Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 11

In-Laws and Outlaws The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

-George Burns How many people made the slightly ominous "when you marry, you marry the family" comment to you before you got married? As the wedding planning took on a life of its own, you started to understand what that meant, right? You thought deciding whether to seat Uncle Walter next to Cousin Lola took the diplomatic skill of a U.N. Secretary General? Just wait and see what happens to the extended family dynamic when you have a baby.

It's yet another paradox of parenthood. On the one hand, it propels many of us back to our families. We can grow closer and relate better to our parents. On the other, it demands that we step into adulthood once and for all and make our new family our first priority. Usually, this is a less-than-seamless transition.

This chapter is about how profoundly our family relations.h.i.+ps are altered by a baby and how, in turn, these changes impact our marriages.

Sometimes these changes are wonderful; sometimes they are far from it.

Things can change for the better. It can be a veritable Love Fest. Having kids gives us an opportunity to develop a closer relations.h.i.+p not only with our own families, but also with the whole cast of characters who have an important role to play in creating a happy, joyful childhood for our kids. What child doesn't benefit from another set of hands applaud- [image]

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ing every tiny achievement, another lap to sit on, another teller of tales, another adult who loves and cherishes them?

"My parents and I have become so close since I had my kids.

We've always had a good relations.h.i.+p, but they mean even more to me now. We talk at least once a day and they have been there for me every step of the way. I am so deeply grateful to them, and I am so thankful they will be a loving, positive infl uence in my kids' lives."

-Hope, married 9 years, 2 kids "I can't believe I'm saying this. After Ellie was born, I had a whole new appreciation for my mother-in-law."

-Bob, married 5 years, 1 kid Family Tug-of-War Things can also change for the worse. As a couple we can fi nd ourselves in a Family Tug-of-War Family Tug-of-War, with opposing in-laws jockeying for prime position and grandparents who want to run the show. Even the best of us can end up with a t.i.t-for-tat mindset-"the kids see more of your family than mine"-either because we want to keep the peace with our own parents, or we feel genuinely hard done by because our spouse has joined his or her family in pulling on the other end of that rope.

"My wife wanted to live near her parents, so we moved. It's great having them so close by to help, but I can't quite fi gure out In-Laws and Outlaws 159.

where I fit into this whole equation. I've changed my job. I have no friends. We see her family almost every day and see mine only a couple of times a year. I'm not the head of the family. I'm just a sidekick to theirs."

-William, married 8 years, 2 kids Back to the Caves . . . Again Before we discuss the impact of our extended families on our marriages, let's pause for a moment to ask ourselves why do we act the way we do why do we act the way we do after a baby arrives after a baby arrives? Why are so many of us drawn back to our families?

Why do many of our parents, siblings, in-laws, and other family members seem to lose it when the babies enter the picture?

As you may have guessed by now, whenever we can, we blame less-than-perfect behavior (ours or anyone else's) on biological hardwiring.

As we've already noted, having children can send us hurtling right back to the caves. Guess who's waiting there for us? Our entire families. The root of much post-baby family tension lies within each individual's in-nate desire to maximize the survival and dominance of their own genetic legacy. That's a fancy way of saying that everyone wants to call dibs on the baby.

Think about it. What's the most frequently asked question upon the birth of a new baby (right after "How is everyone doing?")? Right. "Who does the baby look like? does the baby look like? " It sounds innocent enough, but it is actually the most loaded of questions. Don't we all have the secret (or not-so-secret) desire to know he looks just like us? Cathy's husband is Indian, and she was thrilled when her daughter was born with a freckle-like birthmark on her bottom. It was as if, Cathy says, Kate came into the world with " It sounds innocent enough, but it is actually the most loaded of questions. Don't we all have the secret (or not-so-secret) desire to know he looks just like us? Cathy's husband is Indian, and she was thrilled when her daughter was born with a freckle-like birthmark on her bottom. It was as if, Cathy says, Kate came into the world with "Irish" stamped on her b.u.m. All families play their own version of the "Is she an O'Neill or a Kadyan?" game. Our German friend, Carolyn, told us, "My mother-in-law says, 'I see a little brown in there. Her eyes are definitely going to be brown.' My daughter is two and her eyes are sky blue. She keeps thinking her Italian side of the gene pool is going to ultimately emerge victorious."

Hardwiring also influences the way we relate to our spouses and our families. As parents, we often turn to our families for guidance and emo-160 tional support. Many of us forge a deeper and more loving connection with our parents and siblings (and sometimes even our in-laws) at this time. We appreciate our parents in a whole new way and we love sharing our children's early years with them.

The downside, though, is that it can make us compet.i.tive with one another within the marriage. We want to make sure the kids are suffi - ciently exposed to our our family, and that family, and that our our family (a.k.a. our genes) has as great, if not a greater, influence than our spouse's. We also want the pecking order to be clear. We get more protective of our "turf "-our kids, our spouses, our way of doing things-and we'll fight like h.e.l.l if that turf is threatened. And we get supremely annoyed if our spouse doesn't see it like we do. family (a.k.a. our genes) has as great, if not a greater, influence than our spouse's. We also want the pecking order to be clear. We get more protective of our "turf "-our kids, our spouses, our way of doing things-and we'll fight like h.e.l.l if that turf is threatened. And we get supremely annoyed if our spouse doesn't see it like we do.

Issues for the Couple (What It All Means for the Two of You) The subtle, and not so subtle, changes in the family dynamics can cause serious tension between husband and wife. In fact, the main issue is not the main issue is not that you might have arguments with your parents or in-laws; it is that your that you might have arguments with your parents or in-laws; it is that your extended families might cause arguments between the two of you extended families might cause arguments between the two of you. Of course, as with all things in life, it's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it.

Almost every couple we spoke with had one or two ongoing disputes, and an unfortunate few were having divorce-level arguments. Most of the conflicts (and, yes, we admit, we've had more than a few ourselves) center around the following issues: * The Pecking Order *

Interference *

Grandparent Qualifi cations *

Equal Access In-Laws and Outlaws 161.

The Pecking Order "My wife is married to her mother. She talks to her first about all major decisions, and then I am told what we we have decided." have decided."

-Duane, married 11 years, 3 kids On an intellectual level, we know that putting our spouse above all others is how it's supposed to work. (Hmmm. Wasn't that a marriage vow?

It sounds awfully familiar.) We all want to know that we have top billing in our spouse's heart. In many ways, prioritizing our new family over our original one is the final step into adulthood. And, for most of us, it's a difficult step to take. Telling Mom and/or Dad to back off is not easy, no matter how much we did it (or wanted to do it) as teenagers.

"My mother has no boundaries. She wants to visit all the time and doesn't understand that this interferes with our family time on the weekends, which is all we have since I work full-time.

It's created a real issue between my husband and me. He tells me, 'You've got to stand up to her more,' and I'm trying, but it's hard."

-Anita, married 9 years, 4 kids It's not just about knowing when to tell our parents to stuff it (respectfully). It's also about how we choose to spend our time, because when we become parents, time is our most precious commodity. How much time we spend with our respective families is a clear indication of who comes first. Our friend Hillary had this to say on the matter: "My husband helps his dad manage his money, so he's often on the phone with him all evening. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I really resent that he spends that amount of time with his dad when we have so little time together. What about me and the girls?"

Of course there will be times in life when our parents will need and deserve our attention, especially as they age or if they become ill. But, in general, if we put our "old" family ahead of our "new" family, we are effectively telling our spouses, "You are not my number one priority. They are." Even though that is rarely the intention, it can have a devastating 162 162 effect. There are few things more hurtful than thinking that the person with whom you share your life does not put you fi rst.

Interference Closely related to recognizing who comes first are the disagreements produced by a grandparent (or an entire bevy of relatives) with intervention-ist tendencies. Grandparents in particular feel a certain sense of owners.h.i.+p, a certain right of involvement that causes them to encroach on their kids' turf. They interfere and, G.o.d forbid, they volunteer opinions: "My mother-in-law didn't think that I sent out the thank-you notes for our daughter's first birthday party quick enough, so she decided she needed to do it herself. She handwrote them all, signed our daughter's name, put our return address on them, and drove the fifteen miles into our town so they would be postmarked from where we live-all of this without telling me.

I found out when a friend mentioned it."

-Tina, married 8 years, 2 kids "My parents are so critical of my decision to work full-time. My dad says, 'Your working is so hard on little Jamie. He tells me he really misses his Mommy.' "

-Kristin, married 6 years, 1 kid "My father-in-law keeps emailing me articles about childhood obesity. He thinks our eleven-month-old is too fat. She is a chubby, adorable, healthy baby."

-Beatrice, married 9 years, 2 kids Live and let live is not every grandparent's motto. They generally do mean well when they offer advice, or just haul off and do what they think is best. The problem for the two of you to resolve is what happens when one of you agrees with the infringer and the other doesn't. Since most of us have a much higher tolerance for our own parents' "misbehaviors" is not every grandparent's motto. They generally do mean well when they offer advice, or just haul off and do what they think is best. The problem for the two of you to resolve is what happens when one of you agrees with the infringer and the other doesn't. Since most of us have a much higher tolerance for our own parents' "misbehaviors"

than our spouse does, and vice versa, there are lots of opportunities for disagreement.

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"Janet thinks that it is fantastic that her mother is so helpful.

And she is great. But she doesn't know when to stop. She will call on Sat.u.r.day morning and have a whole day planned, movie with the kids or whatever. It's hard to say no, but I just wish she'd back off, or at least ask us if we have any plans fi rst."

-Kevin, married 8 years, 3 kids It's also an issue when an in-law's presence influences how your spouse behaves: "When his parents are here, I see a change in my husband. He gets tougher on the kids to make sure they are well-behaved.

He's so much more easygoing when it's just us."

-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids "When my mother-in-law comes to stay with us, Danny becomes a complete lazy a.s.s. He lets her do his entire share of the parenting load. She washes the dishes, picks up the kids, does his laundry. It's like he's the lord of the manor. I know he loves having her clucking over him, but it drives me nuts. He's a Dad now and he needs to let go of being her little boy."

-Mary, married 5 years, 2 kids Grandparent Qualifi cations In some instances one spouse thinks that a grandparent is perfectly able to mind the kids, whereas the other spouse wouldn't leave a small animal in his or her care. When your grandparenting standards differ, arguments will inevitably follow.

"I think my in-laws lack judgment. It's a safety issue. My father-in-law lets the kids jump on the bed with the ceiling fan on and leaves knife handles hanging off the kitchen countertops. My husband doesn't see what I'm so upset about, so I get no backup from him when I tell my father-in-law that those things are dangerous."

-Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids 164.

The "What If " Question The discussion about grandparent (and other family member) qualifi - cations can become heated, if not explosive, when you talk about who should raise the kids in the unfortunate event of your untimely deaths.

"My wife vetoed my parents because my dad has guns in the house and has a real relaxed 'boys will be boys' approach to everything. I don't want her parents raising them because her mom is a loud hippie type. Whenever we try to discuss this we end up fi ghting."

-James, married 9 years, 3 kids Equal Access We all love and feel a sense of obligation to our families of origin. Our spouse feels the same love and responsibility toward his or hers. Finding the time to meet each spouse's desire to be with their family is a huge challenge. Sometimes we don't get the balance right at all: Holiday h.e.l.l Holiday h.e.l.l "Since we had kids, my wife insists that we spend Christmas with her family, and partic.i.p.ate in their 'special' traditions, which consist of eating dinner at a bad Italian restaurant, going to church in a school gymnasium, then playing poker and drinking Scotch until midnight with my wife's brother-in-law's senile step-grandmother. It's great."

-Bruce, married 8 years, 2 kids Deciding where to spend vacations can be, uh, a problem. Everyone expects you to be with them. Precious holiday time is meted out, with an eye to keeping everyone happy. Most of us try to rotate visits. It sounds simple in theory, but the practice can get complicated.

"We used to try to split the time between each family when we'd go home to Chicago, but that meant three days at her parents, and three days at my parents. It'll be time to 'move' and my In-Laws and Outlaws 165.

Mom will say, 'Oh, can't you just wait a couple of hours to see Aunt So-and-So?' So then you're feeling sad, but also looking at your watch and knowing that you're about to get in trouble with your wife because now you're cutting in on her time with her family. You get to the point where you don't want to go anymore."

-Thomas, married 11 years, 1 kid And if either set of your parents is divorced and there are step-sets to factor into the planning, you might have to break down your calendar by the hour in an effort to keep everyone happy.

"Since my parents are divorced, Ed and I have to make three different stops every Christmas-Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas night-to make sure we cover all the bases."

-Janice, married 5 years, 1 kid Grandparent Rivalry or The Clash of the Grannies The equal access issue is exacerbated when grandparents compete. Of course, most grandparents like each other tremendously, and build a deep bond based on the love they share for the grandchildren. But some see the other set(s) as "the opposition." In effect, they want to be the The Clash of the Grannies The equal access issue is exacerbated when grandparents compete. Of course, most grandparents like each other tremendously, and build a deep bond based on the love they share for the grandchildren. But some see the other set(s) as "the opposition." In effect, they want to be the Alpha Grandparents Alpha Grandparents. They want to have more influence on the grandkids than the other family does. As a result, some of them don't share very well as they battle it out for star billing.

The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p Sometimes, the battle begins before the baby is even born. Our friend Tina told us that her mother claimed exclusive rights to the t.i.tle "Grandma" when the baby was still in utero in utero. The paternal grandmother, she most generously conceded, could be called "Granny or Nana" but only she could be called "Grandma."

The Battle for Wall and Floor s.p.a.ce Have you ever done a Grandparent Audit of your home? Tallied up how many gifts each set has sent or counted the number of pictures featuring [image]

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each one of them? No, of course you haven't. You have better things to do with your time. But plenty of grandparents have. They know exactly exactly how much wall and floor s.p.a.ce they occupy. We have been told, fi rsthand, about grandmothers mailing Glamour Shots of themselves to their toddler grandchildren. Sandy told us that she returned home from work one day to find that her visiting mother-in-law had replaced some of her parents' photographs with framed pictures of herself. And it's not just about pictures of the grandparents. As George told us, "You have to make sure the grandparents have all the same pictures of the kids, or they'll be like, how much wall and floor s.p.a.ce they occupy. We have been told, fi rsthand, about grandmothers mailing Glamour Shots of themselves to their toddler grandchildren. Sandy told us that she returned home from work one day to find that her visiting mother-in-law had replaced some of her parents' photographs with framed pictures of herself. And it's not just about pictures of the grandparents. As George told us, "You have to make sure the grandparents have all the same pictures of the kids, or they'll be like, 'Hey, why do they have that picture that we don't have?' "

Clash of the Grannies The picture rivalry is matched only by that time-honored tradition of Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving. "If my mom comes over and sees that Brad's Mom has bought the girls a Barbie, she's back the next day with outfits for each of them. It's ridiculous. The house can't hold any more of this c.r.a.p," says our friend Kyra.

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The Battle for Face Time The gift and picture compet.i.tions are, for the most part, easily resolved.

If grandparents want to blow their retirement money hiring photogra-phers and buying toys, so be it. The battle for face time is much trickier: "What I can't stand is the 'fis.h.i.+ng.' I hate it when my in-laws, who are divorced, start their fis.h.i.+ng expeditions to see if their ex is getting to spend more time with our kids. It's another game of monkey-in-the-middle, and guess who always winds up being the monkey . . . me!"

-Alicia, married 8 years, 2 kids Brace Yourselves: A Grandma Gone Haywire "My mother-in-law, Barbara, is so jealous when my mom spends time with our daughter. Barbara lives in town so she sees Kaitlyn all the time. My mom doesn't. When she visits, Barbara is over in a flash. She won't let her have a moment alone with her granddaughter. The last time my mom was here, I overheard Barbara saying, 'If she picks her up one more d.a.m.n time . . . ' Excuse me? Another time, my mom walked in the door to find Barbara with Kaitlyn in her lap, stroking her hair like she was petting a dog. It's all about owners.h.i.+p. Like she is marking her territory. My mother has just as much right as she does to see her granddaughter. I told my wife she better tell her mother to back off . . . or I will."

-Bobby, married 7 years, 1 kid Exclusive Access That little nightmare story does bring up a point, however, that applies to those of us who are slightly more rational. Every grandparent wants "their time" with the grandkids. It's an eminently reasonable and understandable desire. But some grandparents don't respect the other side's alone time, causing major headaches for the couple caught in the middle.

Danielle told us how hard this has been to communicate to her in-laws.

"It's not about not wanting to be with Colin's family at all. They're really great. It's just that my parents would simply like to have some time with 168 168 the kids by themselves. I'm afraid to say anything because I think the Bakers will take it the wrong way."

H OW WO M E N F E E L.

When women marry and start a family, we envision a loving, respectful adult relations.h.i.+p with our husbands, parents, in-laws, and extended family. For many of us, this is exactly how things unfold. We feel an overwhelming sense of grat.i.tude and appreciation for their help and welcome the positive infl uence they have on our kids.

But, where there is trouble, there can be big trouble. Stacie once casually mentioned the subject of family roles during her son's Gymbo-ree cla.s.s. As "The Wheels on the Bus " " played in the background, several Moms abandoned their children on the mini-slides and kiddie tunnels to share their war stories of nest invasion and turf infringement. This is a big issue for women. We think our friend Lisa nailed it when she said, "I just want to know that I am number one. I want to know that our family comes first. How can I say that without sounding like a b.i.t.c.h?" played in the background, several Moms abandoned their children on the mini-slides and kiddie tunnels to share their war stories of nest invasion and turf infringement. This is a big issue for women. We think our friend Lisa nailed it when she said, "I just want to know that I am number one. I want to know that our family comes first. How can I say that without sounding like a b.i.t.c.h?"

The Lioness and the Law of the Jungle We have already written about the powerful instincts that accompany motherhood-what we deem the Lioness Effect Lioness Effect. Most women delight in introducing our new cubs to the rest of the pride. But the instincts to protect and nurture our babies also make us guarded, possessive, and, in an animal-kingdom kind of way, authoritarian. Those babies are ours. Those babies are ours.

Nature has charged us, not anyone else, with their ultimate safety, care, and survival.

Law Number One: It's MY Baby Women are perfectly willing to let everyone else in on the kiddie action as long as they understand that ultimately, we call the shots. It's not because we like bossing everyone else around (OK, some of us do). It's because the parenting buck stops with us and the father. We have the ultimate responsibility, so we should have the ultimate authority.

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The Lionness Effect Post-baby tensions are usually rooted in the new Mom's perception, war-ranted or not, that Grandma or Grandpa is stepping on her turf. No matter how much we love our families, we want them to recognize the pecking order. Most grandparents simply want to help (and, of course, hold the baby). Unfortunately their desire to help (and hold) often collides head-on with our desire to do everything ourselves. We can perceive the kindest offers of help as a threat to our authority.

The Turf Battle Of course, some women have a genuine gripe. There are plenty of extended family members who overstep the mark. For example, our friend Gretchen's mother-in-law thought that all babies should be potty trained by age two. She would constantly harangue Gretchen about the fact that her three-year-old old was still in diapers. Expressing an opinion is one thing, lecturing is over the line. Encroachment on a woman's turf is rarely well-received.

"My mother bought the bedding for the nursery. I really wanted to decorate the nursery myself. It's my baby bird, my nest. I don't want some other bird flying in here with foreign materials where I'm going to lay my egg!"

-Alma, married 7 years, 1 kid 170.

"My mother-in-law rearranged my entire kitchen. She even labeled my spices and put them in alphabetical order. h.e.l.lo? My house? I guess I could move out and she could move in. Maybe that would be satisfactory."

-Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids Law Number Two: I'm Number One Every woman, at least the ones we spoke with, wants to feel that the nuclear family is her husband's top priority. Once we have kids, it is essential that men understand this. That need is especially acute when we have a newborn. Consequently, there are few things more upsetting for a woman than to see her husband choose to "keep the peace" with his parents rather than support her during the monumental transition to motherhood.

Brace Yourself: Another Horrifying Tale "When I had my first baby, my parents waited outside the delivery room. I wanted them to see Isabelle immediately and I especially wanted to see my mother. But my mother-in-law was still a couple of hours from the hospital when the baby was born and my husband, Jason, decided that no one could see the baby until his mom got there. He made my parents wait.

They were furious with him. I was so busy trying to nurse that I didn't realize what was happening. His mom arrived and they all came into the room together. Jason handed Isabelle to his mother first. My mom has never forgiven him and it took me a very long time to."

-Candace, married 11 years, 2 kids Candace's story is an extreme one. Thankfully, men like Jason are rare.

But we tell this cautionary tale to show the dangers of pecking-order blindness.

One thing that raises an eyebrow with women is when our husbands say, "Well, my mom did it this way." The implication is that we should do it that way, too. Suggesting that we should "mother" the way his mother In-Laws and Outlaws 171.

did makes us feel as if our husbands don't recognize our authority. Our friend Melissa said, "John says things like, 'When I grew up, I was in day care. I ate candy. My mother always worked. And I turned out just fi ne.'

Yeah, he did turn out fine, but that's not necessarily the way I want to do it with our kids."

It's also important to us that our parents and in-laws parents and in-laws recognize that our marriages come first. Some women, like Anita, whose mother had no boundaries, talked about how their own mothers or fathers wanted to claim too much of their family's time. Others told us they felt their in-laws didn't recognize their importance in their son's lives. " recognize that our marriages come first. Some women, like Anita, whose mother had no boundaries, talked about how their own mothers or fathers wanted to claim too much of their family's time. Others told us they felt their in-laws didn't recognize their importance in their son's lives. "I'm his wife" his wife"

is something women often feel they have to communicate with all the delicacy of whacking them over the head with a two-by-four.

Lionesses at Play: the Female Dynamic While there can be substantial tension on occasion between men in the family web, it seems, based on the comments we collected, that the majority of tension flares up between women and their mothers or mothers-in-law. Why is this?

Once a lioness, always a lioness. The maternal instinct never dies. The maternal instinct never dies.

Grandmothers often feel qualified to comment on child care and household matters because that was once their domain.

Just because their daughter or son is now a parent does not mean they stop being a mother to them.

"The day we got home from the hospital, I asked my husband to go into the kitchen to get me a bottle of water. His mother glared at me and said, 'He's tired, too, you know.' "

-Jill, married 3 years, 1 kid 172.

Our Husband's Relations.h.i.+p with His Family Stop Calling in the Cavalry Stop Calling in the Cavalry "Spending time with Grandpa is not the same as spending time with Dad. I've argued with my husband about this. His father is not his proxy parent."

-Linda, married 4 years, 1 kid Some women complained that their husbands are too quick to p.a.w.n the kids off on the grandparents. "My husband has his mother on speed dial.