Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 5

10. Bribe the kids with candy or ice cream to do things they should do anyway.

What's the big deal about shortcuts?

The big deal is that many of the things women think need to be done "right" are fundamental, essential parenting functions. Health! Nutrition! Hygiene! Safety! If standard operating procedure was that fruits and vegetables, toothbrus.h.i.+ng, bathing, and mental stimulation were optional activities, imagine the generation of toothless, ratty-haired, pajama-wearing street urchins that would see us into our old age. Guys want all these things done, but they don't want to do them themselves.

74."I know my husband wants to be with the kids, but he just doesn't want to worry about whether their developmental and nutritional needs are being met. In essence, he wants to coach the team to victory, but he doesn't want to attend practice every week."

-Jennifer, married 9 years, 3 kids Another reason it's a big deal is that we really really do want to turn the mommy pager off occasionally. But if you call us during our away time to ask, "Is it possible that the baby might have a p.o.o.py diaper?" (true story-one of us actually got that call), we might as well have stayed where we were. do want to turn the mommy pager off occasionally. But if you call us during our away time to ask, "Is it possible that the baby might have a p.o.o.py diaper?" (true story-one of us actually got that call), we might as well have stayed where we were.

If we genuinely worry about a diaper not getting changed for ten hours, or about the life and limbs of our kids while they are in your care (some women do: "As long as our two-year-old is within shouting distance, my husband thinks he is watching him. How the h.e.l.l can I leave him in charge?" says our friend Amy), of course it's going to upset us that you don't do things "the right way."

And, yes, we'll admit it: sometimes, sometimes sometimes, we're just being control freaks.

They're Your Kids, Too "I feel like I am always shoving family time down his throat.

On the weekends he's more concerned with doing his own stuff than he is in spending time with us. Sometimes, I'm not quite sure where we fit into his life."

-Maggie, married 7 years, 3 kids Guys, what's up with the Perma-Scowl Perma-Scowl all weekend when you're hanging out with the family and helping with the kids? It is absolutely heartbreak-ing for a woman when she sees that her husband looks ready to bolt when she suggests they all go the park. It is profoundly dispiriting when, every weekend, it's the same old bad att.i.tude from you. Our friend Tammy said, "I hate it when we're out doing something with the kids and I can see on his face that he doesn't want to be there." We want to know that you see your family as the headline event, not some sideshow you fi t in between work and hockey. When you consistently make your extracur-What's the Score? all weekend when you're hanging out with the family and helping with the kids? It is absolutely heartbreak-ing for a woman when she sees that her husband looks ready to bolt when she suggests they all go the park. It is profoundly dispiriting when, every weekend, it's the same old bad att.i.tude from you. Our friend Tammy said, "I hate it when we're out doing something with the kids and I can see on his face that he doesn't want to be there." We want to know that you see your family as the headline event, not some sideshow you fi t in between work and hockey. When you consistently make your extracur-What's the Score?

75.ricular pursuits your default M.O., you're telling us exactly what your priorities are.

Men often respond to requests to give the baby a bath or whatever by saying that it's harder for them to look after the kids. To all men with the "She's so much better at it than me" line, we say, "Maybe if you spent more time with them, they wouldn't be so difficult." In fact, we suspect that "She's so much better at it than me" is code for "I don't want to deal with any of the domestic stuff if I can possibly get away with it."

We're on to You, Buddy Pa.s.sive Man, the antihero, lurks in the hearts of all men. Plenty of guys out there think that pa.s.sivity pays off. They think they can still get points for making a half hearted effort to get to the dirty dishes first, or raising their posterior ever so slightly off the chair when they hear the baby crying, and then trying to appear disappointed when they say, "Oh, guess you've got him this time?" This time? You're not fooling anyone, Buddy. the antihero, lurks in the hearts of all men. Plenty of guys out there think that pa.s.sivity pays off. They think they can still get points for making a half hearted effort to get to the dirty dishes first, or raising their posterior ever so slightly off the chair when they hear the baby crying, and then trying to appear disappointed when they say, "Oh, guess you've got him this time?" This time? You're not fooling anyone, Buddy.

"I drive home at about thirty miles an hour. I do whatever I can to delay the moment."

-Chris, married 8 years, 2 kids "Yeah, I call my wife from the car to ask her if she needs me to pick something up from the store on my way home. It's a great stalling tactic. She hasn't figured it out yet."

-Dave, married 11 years, 2 kids I Am NOT Your Mother "I have three boys. A four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a thirty-six-year-old."

-Olga, married 9 years, 2 kids Oedipal complexes aside, we know that most of you did not want to marry your mother. Why is it then that you leave your underwear on the fl oor for us to pick up? Why is it that when we take out a snack for the kids you ask, did you bring anything for me? did you bring anything for me? Why is it that you expect us to plan all social events and family holidays? Why is it that you don't know Why is it that you expect us to plan all social events and family holidays? Why is it that you don't know 76 76 where to find your daughter's shoes when she has been walking for the last two years? When you don't engage domestically, it sends the message that you think Mommy will come take care of it. Not cool. It's hard enough parenting the actual children in the family, without also Mommying someone who's just acting like a child.

What's Your Definition of a Sick Day?

"I spent the other night on my hands and knees doubled over with a stomach bug. The next morning, I'm still green, trying to make lunches and wondering if I might pa.s.s out at the wheel during the school run, when Brad came in, grabbed his shake, kissed me on the head, and said, 'Hope you feel better today, Hon,' and then poof, he was gone. Gone. I just sat down and cried. Then I threw up again, loaded up the kids, and drove them to school. He had no idea of the day I was facing, and it never even occurred occurred to him that he might try to help me out a little. I didn't need a pat on the head; I needed him to do the school run." to him that he might try to help me out a little. I didn't need a pat on the head; I needed him to do the school run."

-Bethany, married 6 years, 2 kids What happens when you you get sick? get sick?

Her day: Without a signed hospital note, there's no such thing as sick leave for a stay-at-home Mom. When the factory whistle blows, she has to clock in for diaper changing, tantrum resolution, transport, and feeding duty, no matter what the thermometer reads. She can't even take the good drugs to knock herself out for a few hours. By the end of the day, you might as well put her on a stretcher and load her into the ambulance.

His Day: When Dad takes ill, however, his day looks a little different.

He swills his Nyquil, tucks himself into bed, and maybe watches a little The Price Is Right The Price Is Right before the drugs kick in. Then he calls it a day. If he feels up to it, he might catch up on his TiVo-ed favorites or work on his Fantasy Football trades while the wife replenishes his sick supplies. before the drugs kick in. Then he calls it a day. If he feels up to it, he might catch up on his TiVo-ed favorites or work on his Fantasy Football trades while the wife replenishes his sick supplies.

Don't get us wrong; we don't begrudge a sick man a day in bed. We're all for it. It's just that we don't think this situation is fair, because a) we could use a shot of Nyquil and a day in bed, too, and b) it seems to us that men don't realize they have a role to play in keeping the factory running during a state of emergency.

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What's the Score?

77.His & Hers Sick Days A Little Validation Means a Lot "Honestly, I really need him to tell me more often that I am doing a great job, that what I am doing is important. He gets affirmation all the time at work; I don't."

-Denise, married 10 years, 1 kid So many women said the same thing: "I just wish he'd tell me he appreciates what I do." A lot of us wonder, at times, if the work we put into home and family is largely unnoticed and unappreciated by you. You may think, as one guy put it, that domestic c.r.a.p has no value, that the every-day keeping of home and hearth is not important. But it is is important. important.

Without it, what kind of family life would we have?

Why She Does What She Does The Volume Problem Most women believe that their husbands simply don't understand how much there is to do. What we consider mandatory, they view as optional.

Leave aside the huge number of "basics" (the cooking, the shopping, the cleaning) required for daily household functioning, disease preven-78 tion, and starvation avoidance-all of which must be performed during our lunch break or with a child hanging on our leg. There are also many long-term issues that require thought and preparation: health (nutrition, doctors, exercise, safety), education (schools, cla.s.ses, learning styles), and development (socialization, behavior, values, family interaction).

The volume problem is why we're up at midnight researching the saf-est car seat online. It's why our friend Carolyn said, "I've been thinking about schools since Annie was six months old. I'm researching on the net, talking to other Moms, reading everything I can. Joe would wait until Annie is six years years old before he realized she should even be in school. old before he realized she should even be in school.

Then he'd probably just say 'Hey, there's a bus stop at the end of the road.

Just leave her there.' " It's why we sometimes complain about feeling overwhelmed. It's a lot to think about. It's a lot to do.

Mommy Brain: What's It Like?

We've already talked about the Mommy Chip that runs, all day and all night, in our brains. As a result of this chip, the kids are always just a few steps away in our thoughts: We're always thinking about the children. "I need to get that report finished by 3:00 p.m. Hmmm, that reminds me, doesn't Tim have a pediatrician appointment at 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday?" As we drive to work in the morning, we're mentally rummaging through the cupboards to see what we might have for dinner that evening. Men leave their parenting hat behind them when they walk out the door and don't pick it up again until they walk back in that night. "I need to get that report finished by 3:00 p.m. Hmmm, that reminds me, doesn't Tim have a pediatrician appointment at 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday?" As we drive to work in the morning, we're mentally rummaging through the cupboards to see what we might have for dinner that evening. Men leave their parenting hat behind them when they walk out the door and don't pick it up again until they walk back in that night.

We always want to do our best for the children. Our intentions are perfectly honorable, though we admit we can get carried away in the pursuit of perfectionism. We have that voice in our heads that says, "If I don't get her to eat that lentil soup, she's going to be unhealthy and have bad eating habits her entire life. If I don't get her into that preschool, it will hurt her long-term chances to excel academically. If I don't arrange enough playdates, she's going to get cut out of the preschool social circle." Our intentions are perfectly honorable, though we admit we can get carried away in the pursuit of perfectionism. We have that voice in our heads that says, "If I don't get her to eat that lentil soup, she's going to be unhealthy and have bad eating habits her entire life. If I don't get her into that preschool, it will hurt her long-term chances to excel academically. If I don't arrange enough playdates, she's going to get cut out of the preschool social circle."

Obviously, our husbands want what's best for our kids, too, but they don't understand the compulsion we feel to match, or at least be in the same ballpark as, the extreme mothering happening all around us.

What's the Score?

79.We get stressed about doing it all for the children (and for you, and for ourselves). for ourselves). Men's answer to this is invariably, "Just chill out." Telling a mother who has child and work commitments to chill out is like telling a nuclear engineer not to worry about the leak in the reactor he has been sent in to fix. We know you mean to be helpful when you tell us to relax, but often that suggestion is infuriating. It kind of underlines that you just don't get it. Men's answer to this is invariably, "Just chill out." Telling a mother who has child and work commitments to chill out is like telling a nuclear engineer not to worry about the leak in the reactor he has been sent in to fix. We know you mean to be helpful when you tell us to relax, but often that suggestion is infuriating. It kind of underlines that you just don't get it.

Men have no Mommy Chip Mommy Chip and no and no Guilt Circuit Guilt Circuit. You, in light of this, often wonder why we create so much unnecessary work for ourselves. The answer is that to us, it's not unnecessary. It's called being a Mom.

Freud, Here's Your Answer . . .

Guys, there's a reason we've laid all this out for you. We're not trying to lecture. We're not trying to say we have it any tougher.

We're just saying it is is hard work. And it hard work. And it has has to get done. We too often feel like you take it for granted or angle to get out of doing your fair share. What do women want? The same thing you do! A little more appreciation, and a little more time to park our tired a.s.ses on the couch. to get done. We too often feel like you take it for granted or angle to get out of doing your fair share. What do women want? The same thing you do! A little more appreciation, and a little more time to park our tired a.s.ses on the couch.

Those "Thank yous" and "You're a great moms" are pretty hard to come by. What we tend to hear instead is, "We're out of coffee," "Where are my s.h.i.+rts?" and "Can I go shoot hoops on Sat.u.r.day instead of taking Sammy to the birthday party?" We want a partner in our family and home life.

Not a helper. Not a Sleestak stalking ominously around the house. Your words, your positive att.i.tude, and your willingness to roll up your sleeves show us how you really view your home and your family.

Some "Scientific" Research on This Topic An MSNBC survey asked men and women whether or not they shared ch.o.r.es equally. 74 percent of men said that they shared ch.o.r.es equally with their wives. 51 percent of the women said their husbands shared ch.o.r.es equally.1 Clearly, men overestimate their contributions, or, rather, they give themselves credit for doing things that their wives don't consider a contribution. An MSNBC survey asked men and women whether or not they shared ch.o.r.es equally. 74 percent of men said that they shared ch.o.r.es equally with their wives. 51 percent of the women said their husbands shared ch.o.r.es equally.1 Clearly, men overestimate their contributions, or, rather, they give themselves credit for doing things that their wives don't consider a contribution.

80.An interesting parallel is that, in our experience, women tend to overestimate how much s.e.x they are having. Men, on the other hand, know exactly how long it has been since the last touchdown.

And while we're on the subject of s.e.x . . . are ya gettin' any?

Noted marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman reports that husbands who are more willing to share in domestic ch.o.r.es have a more active s.e.x life.2 It's a chicken and egg thing. We're not sure which comes first, the s.e.x or the domestic help. The bottom line, however, appears to be that he who gives more, gets more. (Note to the men: willing willing is the operative word here. Emptying the dishwasher with a scowl on your face won't send us running to the bedroom.) is the operative word here. Emptying the dishwasher with a scowl on your face won't send us running to the bedroom.) H OW M E N F E E L.

Top Ten Things Your Husband Really Wants to Tell You (During a Scorekeeping Argument) (During a Scorekeeping Argument) 1. "I really don't enjoy playing with the baby for more than ten minutes."

2. "It's not fair that after a full day at the office, you expect me to hit the door at sixty miles per hour."

3. "You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Being Super Provider and Super Dad isn't easy."

4. "I just want a little free time without being made to feel guilty. I'll be a lot happier if you let me off the leash for a couple of hours on the weekend."

5. "I'm not stopping you-it's not my fault you haven't been to the gym in three months."

6. "Doing every last thing 'as a couple' or 'as a family' is emasculating."

7. "Stop micromanaging my relations.h.i.+p with the kids."

What's the Score?

81.8. "Tell me what you want me to do! Make me a list and I will do it!"

9. "Why is it you see only the stuff I didn't do . . . what about everything I did do?"

10. "What happened to my old life? I feel trapped in the trenches of domesticity."

Why Do Men Keep Score?

As we've said, in most relations.h.i.+ps, women are the primary scorekeepers. But men play ball, too. In this section we'll try to unravel the reasons why. Here's what we think they are: 1. To preserve parity. To preserve parity. Men feel like whatever they do, it is never enough. Men feel like whatever they do, it is never enough.

2. To maintain control over their lives. To maintain control over their lives. Men express irritation that, often, their wives control (or attempt to control) their relations.h.i.+p with their kids, their home environment and, inadvertently, their free time. Men express irritation that, often, their wives control (or attempt to control) their relations.h.i.+p with their kids, their home environment and, inadvertently, their free time.

3. They need acknowledgment (just like their wives). They need acknowledgment (just like their wives). If the "Thank yous," the "You're working really hards," and the "You're a great Dads" If the "Thank yous," the "You're working really hards," and the "You're a great Dads"

are few and far between, they begin to wonder if their wives take them for granted.

Just as most women are stunned by, and rarely happy about, the domestic obligations a.s.sociated with motherhood, men, at times, rail against the lack of freedom that accompanies fatherhood. Some men despair that fatherhood has reduced their life, outside of work, to one of relentless domesticity. It is this fear (that nagging "is this it? ") that serves as a backdrop to much of male scorekeeping. ") that serves as a backdrop to much of male scorekeeping.

82.It's Never Enough!

"I get zero recognition for work. It doesn't matter how tough of a day I've had. I get home and I have to be on on."

-Phil, married 7 years, 2 kids Welcome to the doghouse. Most men feel like, no matter what they do, It's Never Enough It's Never Enough. They make comments such as, "my contributions are never appreciated," or "I am behind, and always will be, for the rest of my entire life." Many think that their wives have superhuman expectations of them. Most say it is completely unfair for their wives to criticize them for not helping enough at home when they make Herculean efforts to excel at work. This sense of unfairness is especially acute among men who are the primary, or only, income earners.

"You women want to have your cake and eat it, too. You can't actively choose an aggressive alpha male because he's a good provider and then expect him to be Mr. Mom at the same time."

-Harrison, married 8 years, 2 kids Another friend, Lee, said, "I cannot, cannot function at work when I'm constantly down in the weeds scrubbing bottles and burping babies at 3:00 a.m." He may have a point. The three of us have all felt, at one time or another, that our husbands don't do enough, despite the fact that they all do a h.e.l.l of a lot. There are several categories of It's Never Enough It's Never Enough, including: 1. A man does not get credit for what he does do, especially what he does at work.

When he does do something around the house, it's never right. do something around the house, it's never right.

3. He has to guess what he is supposed to do.

4. When he doesn't do something, or he doesn't do it right, his wife holds it against him . . . indefi nitely.

The three of us will be the first to admit that we've been guilty of some, if not all, of these infractions.

What's the Score?

83.Work Counts for Nothing "Why does work count for nothing in her mind? Shouldn't there be some kind of percentage exchange going on here? If I am contributing eighty percent of the household income, shouldn't I just be responsible for twenty percent of the domestic stuff?"

-Vince, married 5 years, 2 kids Once children arrive, men feel the weight of the potential long-term consequences of every decision, whether it is seeking a promotion or selecting a college savings plan. The stakes are higher than they've ever been, especially if a man becomes the sole breadwinner. To him, it is a new world order. He is now shouldering 100 percent of the responsibility to provide enough money for the family. He starts to see it, as Vince does, as a percentage exchange, and he wonders why work is not included in his wife's fi ftyfifty calculation. Women born any time in the last fi fty years, however, expect their husband's share of the domestic workload to remain, if not exactly the same, at least in the same ballpark as it was before kids. Many men think this is totally unfair.

It is an ironic coincidence of timing, or the twisted sense of humor of an omnipotent deity, that the baby-making years occur just as the heat turns up on the work front. If, like many couples in our generation, you are marrying and having children in your thirties, you feel considerable pressure to make these years at work count, just as your responsibilities on the domestic front explode. (Women also feel this pressure. If they have taken a career break to focus on the kids, they fear they will never be able to catch up with their professional peers.) "This is all happening during the sweet spot of our careers. The stakes are really high at work. Your thirties are make or break time. You can't take your foot off the accelerator."

-Karl, married 12 years, 3 kids It's Never Good Enough Guys, as we've said, are problem solvers. They see a situation, especially one in which their beloved is not happy, and they want to fix it. They [image]

84.will fix it in the most expedient manner possible, but they are not detail-oriented about it. Wife wants to sleep in? No problem. I can turn on the Baby Einstein and the kid will be happy and she can sack out. Baby needs changing? Change the diaper. Doesn't matter where I put the diaper after the changing part is over.

"Here's an example of not good enough for you: last week, after I got up early and made the kids breakfast, I scrambled to shower and get dressed to make the 8:00 a.m. (i.e., late) train into work. I conscientiously threw away the dry-cleaning wrap from my dress s.h.i.+rt into the wastebasket in our bathroom. On my way out the door, my wife came at me with a scowl and said, 'I don't mean to be picky, but can you throw out all your dry-cleaning wraps in the downstairs garbage and not the one in our bathroom?' I mean, come on! Which garbage can is the right garbage can? Has it come to that?"

-Robert, married 12 years, 2 kids "So I took both kids and went to Costco. Just sucked it right up and did it, just like I thought she wanted me to. Did I get even a 'thank you' when I got back? No. Instead, she went through the shopping list and sighed and told me I forgot the detergent and the plastic cups."

-Frank, married 7 years, 2 kids It's Never Good Enough What's the Score?

85.Guys asked us, we guess because we're women: why does she always want to micromanage everything? Why is doing it my way so terrible?

What does she care if I take Matt and Andy to my parents while she's at the gym all morning? They wonder why they don't at least get partial credit for trying.

Men Answer Women's Number One Question (Well, One of Them) Question: Why don't guys see see the domestic c.r.a.p the way we do? the domestic c.r.a.p the way we do?

Answer: They don't see it because they just don't care. They just don't care.

Do you remember his apartment when you were dating? Would you have ever ever taken a shower in there? Or, G.o.d forbid, used the moldy, festering towels that hadn't been washed in months? Today's husband is not a closet chauvinist. He has no interest in seeing his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. He's probably not even threatened by her earning power or self-sufficiency. He is fully prepared to step up and help out. But he doesn't like the routine running-of-the-household stuff and he never will. In his mind, it has no value and it should be avoided. If it cannot be avoided, it should be minimized. If possible, a shortcut should be used. He cares about getting it done, but not taken a shower in there? Or, G.o.d forbid, used the moldy, festering towels that hadn't been washed in months? Today's husband is not a closet chauvinist. He has no interest in seeing his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. He's probably not even threatened by her earning power or self-sufficiency. He is fully prepared to step up and help out. But he doesn't like the routine running-of-the-household stuff and he never will. In his mind, it has no value and it should be avoided. If it cannot be avoided, it should be minimized. If possible, a shortcut should be used. He cares about getting it done, but not how how it gets done. it gets done.

Top Five Shortcuts Men Use 1. Change the diaper. Put soiled diaper on the floor or on top on top of the Diaper Genie, but not actually of the Diaper Genie, but not actually in in the Diaper Genie. the Diaper Genie.

2. Take the trash out. Don't replace the trash bag in the kitchen.

3. Never change the toilet paper roll. Use tissue from the tissue box instead.

4. Place dirty clothes on top on top of the dirty clothes hamper. of the dirty clothes hamper.

5. Dress the kid in the first thing you pull out of the drawer.

Whether it "works" or not is not an issue.

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86.The Moving Target "When my wife is upset about something it doesn't matter what I say, I just make her madder. I never seem to help the situation.

Whatever she's upset about changes on a daily basis. So every day, I have to figure out what the 'issue du jour' is and avoid it."

-John, married 11 years, 2 kids Moving Targets To a man, every single guy we've spoken to said something along the lines of, "It seems that the hardest thing for women is to articulate what it is they want us to do. We're just supposed to know what they want." And, shockingly, when a guy can't read his wife's mind, he gets in trouble.