A Prison Diary Part 19

8.15 am

As we wait to be called for breakfast, the talk among the prisoners in the corridor is all about Shane (GBH, gym orderly). They're fed up (not their actual words) with the incessant noise he makes late at night and first thing in the morning. I overhear that two or three of them are planning to beat him up in the shower room after he comes back from the rugby match this afternoon. I ask Darren if I ought to report this to Mr Tinkler.

'No,' he says adamantly. 'Mind your own f.u.c.kin' business and leave it to us. But when you next see Tinkler or Meanwell, you could mention what a f.u.c.kin' nuisance Shane's become. Most of us would like to see him moved back upstairs.' It's the first time Darren has sworn in front of me.

9.00 am Pottery. Cancelled because I have to attend a meeting with Reg Walton, the sentence management officer. He seems a nice chap, if a little overburdened by it all. He explains that he has to fill in yet another form if I'm to advance to a D-cat.

'Be reinstated' I explain firmly, giving him a brief run-down of how I ended up at Wayland. He nods, and begins to fill in the little boxes. Here we go again.

Once he's filled in all the little boxes he stands up, shakes my hand and wishes me luck.

'My wife loves your books.' He pauses. Though I confess I've never read one.'

2.00 pm I referee a rugby match between Wayland and a local RAF camp. It's our first game against a visiting team, and it shows. I play the advantage law as best I can to a.s.sistWayland, but the RAF still end up winning 39-12.

4.10 pm Mr Tinkler says that he needs to see me following my interview with Mr Walton. Steve tells me that he has never known the two meetings to take place on the same day, which he takes as a sign they will be moving me soon. I've come to learn what 'soon' means in prison, so I don't comment.

6.00 pm Shane is roaming around the corridor in his dirty rugby kit, avoiding the shower room and being nice to everyone. He even walks across to my cell to congratulate me on how well I refereed the match (frankly, not that well). Darren later tells me that Monster (taxi driver, transporting cannabis) had warned him of his impending doom if he doesn't reform.

Far more effective than a ticking-off from an officer.

8.00 pm I finish The Tempest in peace. Shane has got the message, but for how long?

DAY 78

THURSDAY 4 OCTOBER 2001

8.20 am

Meeting with the PO, Mr Tinkler. He tells me that he's signed my D-cat forms, but they still have to be countersigned by my spur officer, Mr Clegg. Mr Tinkler leaves me in no doubt about how he feels the system has treated me.

I accept that he and the uniformed staff have done everything in their power to make my incarceration in Wayland bearable, remembering that I was never meant to come here in the first place.

8.50 am Carl (GBH, servery, goal every match) comes down to our spur to say goodbye. It's always interesting to see how the different prisoners react to someone who's being released.

There are those who will be leaving themselves within weeks, even months, who hug him and shake him by the hand, while the long-termers look on sullenly with envy in their eyes.

My abiding memory of Carl will be the day I put on a smart pair of brown loafers when Mary came to visit me, and he said, 'I've got a pair just like those, Jeff. Did you get them in Harrods?'

'Yes,' I replied.

'So did I,' said Carl. 'But I'll bet you paid for yours.'

As Carl leaves, Mr Clarke comes onto the spur and wishes him luck. 'I feel sure well be seeing you again' he adds.9.00 am Pottery. My pot, or however we think of it, is drying, so I watch Shaun add Jules's head to last week's shoulders.

Jules is pleased with the result and wants the original to give to his mother, always an excellent sign. Normally Shaun would charge 5 or the equivalent in tobacco, but he explains to Jules that my publishers have to see all the sketches first. I promise that, once they have, Jules will be sent the original. (See plate section.) Jules has already been enhanced, which affords him several privileges, including wearing his own clothes. He's recently come down to our spur to take over Danny's cell. He tells me that they've enrolled him as a Listener which, as I've already explained, is a big responsibility. His educational programme (A level English) is going well, and when he says, 'I won't be coming back once I've been released,' in his case, I believe him.

3.15 pm Gym. Complete programme in one hour, steady or slight improvement almost every day.

6.30 pm Mr Clegg takes me through my D-cat form and, as my spur officer, signs me off as a model prisoner. By that he means no drugs, no violence, no other charges since entering prison. The doc.u.ment will now be pa.s.sed on to Mr King, who in turn will send it up to Mr Carlton-Boyce, who in turn...

Mr Clegg goes on to tell me that a prisoner has reported him for racism. Now whatever failings Mr Clegg might have, being a racist is not one of them. So when I return to the spur, I brief Nigel (GBH), known as Preacher (see plate section), who is the block's race relations representative.

He tells me that he'll speak to Mr King and try to straighten things out.

8.00 pm Mary has flown to Was.h.i.+ngton for the fiftieth birthday of a mutual friend, so I can't call her. I begin Henry IV, Part I.

DAY 79

FRIDAY 5 OCTOBER 2001

9.00 am

My little special needs group are now breaking records every week. Alex is even joining in with catchball, whichrounds off every session. Darren has promised to take them over once I depart, which is a relief, because he's almost as much of a martinet as I am.

11.00 am Mr King tells me that my D-cat forms have been handed over to Mr Carlton-Boyce. He also adds that Nigel has been to see him about Mr Clegg, and made it clear that no other prisoner has ever described him as a racist. Mr King thanks me for my intervention, explaining that this sort of slur is hard to remove once it's been written up on an officer's report.

'Tell Ms Nicholson that,' I say in a moment of anger.

12 noon Lunch. I have a small portion of beans and chips as it's canteen day. How can I hope to lose weight with a diet of beans and chips supplemented by Cadbury's Fruit and Nut plus crisps? I shall have to become the gym orderly at my next prison.

9.00 pm The prime minister hints that the bombing of Afghanistan is about to begin. He adds that the ground war that will follow could continue beyond next summer. I can only wonder where I'll be next summer.

Manage Act IV of Henry TV, Part I before falling asleep.

If I be not ashamed of my soldiers, I am a soused gurnet,'

declares Falstaff. I have to look up gurnet.

DAY 8O SAt.u.r.dAY 6 OCTOBER 2OOI

Vicky, Gould, Kal, Searle, Furniss, Steadman and Scarfe, amongst many others. The collection also includes sixteen Brookes, but only nine hang in the flat. Chris feels we should remove Hague from the wall (an octopus surrounded by suckers) and replace him with bin Laden. The cartoonist keeps the odd gem for his private collection, so I may not be able to acquire it Should you be wondering, black and white, 850, colour, 1,450. Chris points out that he hasn't yet seen the quintessential cartoon summing up the full horror of September 11th.

11.00 am Governor Carlton-Boyce calls for me to confirm that my D-cat is going through the system. He asks if I have any preference as to which prison I would like to be moved to. It becomes clear he hasn't read Tony Morton-Hooper's letter. I explain that as my main residence is in London, any D-cat in that area would be fine, because then my family will find iteasier to visit. We discuss Latchmere House, Spring Hill and Stamford Hill. He says he'll check on availability and let me know.

2.30 pm Amazing Brookes cartoon of Osama bin Laden as a poisonous mushroom in Nature Notes on the back of today's Times (see plate section). I call Chris Beetles, who represents the cartoonist and ask if we should add it to the collection.

I have been putting together a cartoon collection - with Chris's help - for the past fifteen years, which I had intended to leave to the Palace of Westminster (Parliament).

I'm even having second thoughts about that. The collection comprises around three hundred drawings, and includes works by Beerbohm, 5.00 pm Steve (conspiracy to murder, librarian) has just returned from the visits hall where he's been in charge of the shop.

He tells me that they've had to stop selling Walkers crisps because one of the inmates opened a packet and pulled out a 20 note (the company's latest promotional scheme). The money was immediately impounded by a surveillance officer and credited to the prisoner's canteen account (no inmate is allowed to be in possession of money for obvious reasons).

All boxes of Walkers have been replaced with Golden Wonder until this campaign is over.

DAY 81

SUNDAY 7 OCTOBER 200I

8.00 am

After writing for two hours I turn on the news to discover that the bombing of Afghanistan has begun in earnest. Forty strike aircraft and fifty cruise missiles (750,000 each) have been deployed. David Frost interviews everyone from Kissinger to Clinton, but by 9.30 am we're none the wiser as to how the campaign is going.

11.00 am Exercise. As Darren, Jimmy and I stroll round the yard we pa.s.s an officer I've never seen before because he's attached to another block. His name is Zac Carr, known as 'Z cars'.

Jimmy tells me that he was temporarily suspended for allowing a prisoner to tattoo him. It's an offence for one prisoner to tattoo another, let alone an officer. Jimmy then describes how the prisoner (the best tattoo artist at Wayland) goes about his craft. I later ask Mr Nutbourne if the story istrue. He nods and says, 'I could tell you many more stories about Z cars,' he pauses, smiles, and adds, "but I won't.'

11.45 am Nigel (GBH, race relations rep) walks into my cell to complain that black people aren't represented enough on TV. I sympathize with him and ask what he feels should be done about it.

They ought to show Crimewatch seven nights a week,' he adds with a grin, 'because that would just about even it up.'

Having got a rise out of me, he leaves. I continue writing.

8.00 pm Patricia Routledge gives a moving performance in Everyone's Nightmare, the true story of a woman who was wrongly convicted of murdering her mother and spent four years in jail before her sentence was quashed. Once you've been convicted, it can take forever to prove your innocence.

DAY 82

MONDAY 8 OCTOBER 2001

11.00 am

All the papers have stories reporting that I'm about to be transferred to a D-cat. The Daily Mail mentions five possible prisons, so that they can eventually tell their readers they got it right. They didn't. None of them bother to say that the police have dropped their enquiries. I suppose that would be asking too much.

12 noon The allies have bombed Kabul for a second night, but there is still no news as to how effective the onslaught has been.

6.00 pm Write for two hours, but am unable to concentrate because I know Mary is on a flight back from New York. I won't be able to speak to her until tomorrow morning as I'm already banged up.

8.00 pm Mr Nutbourne comes to my cell to tell me that he's off on holiday to Cuba. He a.s.sumes I'll have been transferred by the time he returns and says that he's sorry to have met me in these circ.u.mstances, and wishes me well for the future.