Ever Heard This? Part 16

"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, walking homeward after service with an industrious labourer, who was a constant attendant, "well, Master Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest for you who work so hard all the week. And you make a good use of the day, for you are always to be seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, "it is indeed a blessed day; I works hard enough all the week, and then I comes to church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and thinks o' nothing!"

NOT TO BE CAUGHT

It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquarters.

"And if a man suffering from trench feet were brought to you, how would you treat him?" asked the examiner.

The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge of the licensing laws, quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay for our own."

MOLECULES

"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.

"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.

"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye."

A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN

Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning meditatively from a learned discourse, came upon the rec.u.mbent body of a man in front of a house.

Being a Samaritan he proffered his services, and discovered that the man lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted him and opening a door pushed him gently in. Reaching again the ground floor another human being confronted him and he also needed help to the first floor. But when our Professor found yet another fellow-creature in distress his curiosity was aroused and he said:

"It is strange that there should be three men needing help to the first floor of the same house."

"Not so strange, mister," replied the p.r.o.ne figure, "seeing as 'ow you've dropped me down the lift 'ole twice."

CHAPS

A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips."

TWINS

A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this telegram to his sister-in-law.

"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."

A NATURAL OBJECTION

The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates.

Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on anything."

BADLY PUT

A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady.

"Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked.

"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."

A DOUBTFUL MARKET

A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice.

"You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss."

"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"

SEQUENCES

An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his duties asked him if he understood sequences.

"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?"

"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table."