Ever Heard This? Part 18

"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an'

I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am."

HEMP

Two "nuts" were pa.s.sing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."

GOOD ADVICE

"George," said the farmer half-way through the first banquet in which his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son, "I see only one light at present."

CHANGE AND REST

Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter has got the change and you have got the rest."

THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM

A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip," was the reply.

THE WAY TO YORK

A traveller, lost on a Yorks.h.i.+re moor, met a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then thou askest me a question."

THE WAY TO DO IT

A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pa.s.s, gave it to his Irish servant, and asked him to pa.s.s it. At night he asked him if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw it."

LOT AND THE FLEA

"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture ill.u.s.trates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson?

Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant cla.s.s, "where ith the flea?"

WHIST

Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three adversaries."

A NEW PRESCRIPTION

An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits."

JACOB'S LADDER

A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I, whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.

A PORTRAIT

A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."

BLOATERS