Ever Heard This? Part 20

THE G.O.M.

A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."

A NEAT RETORT

A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr.

Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as you do."

A SYDNEY SMITH STORY

To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was of a different mind."

A COMMON DIFFICULTY

A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine,"

replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the mouths, and you the food."

MARY JONES

The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest the children in the Burial Service.

He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation.

Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."

DONALD COMPLIED

A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it was worth.

An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game, first asked if it had any deer.

Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."

"Any grouse?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any partridges?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any woodc.o.c.k?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.

"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and again, like yoursel'."

VEGETARIANISM

It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food."

Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."

FELLOW-FEELING

A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the s.e.xton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the s.e.xton's misconduct that the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."

JONAH AND THE WHALE

"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale,"

someone said to Father Healy one day.