Ever Heard This? Part 5

A GOOD REASON

A certain minister going to visit one of his sick paris.h.i.+oners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir,"

replied he, "my eyes have not come together these three nights." "What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, "because my nose was between them."

ECONOMY IN THE STABLE

Jones, who was a student of economy, lamented the death of his horse.

His friend sympathised and enquired the cause. "He was a wonderful horse, and if he had lived another day he would have proved a theory I have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, you see," replied Jones, "I reckon that it's all nonsense about having to spend so much on a horse's keep. I started this one with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced the quant.i.ty." "And what did he have yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him down to one oat."

THE PATRIARCH

Three young fellows were strolling along a country lane, and saw approaching them a very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking to take a rise out of him, they accosted him thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father Isaac, or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old man replied, "I am none of these, but rather Saul seeking his father's a.s.ses, and lo! here have I found them."

HIGH AND LOW

"I expect six clergymen to dine with me on Sunday next," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Everything, sir," was the reply.

"If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"

BEER

A gentleman, calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking.

"What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is not to be found fault with," answered the other, "for one should never speak ill of the dead."

NOT IMPORTUNATE

A lady having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared." "Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're dead, I'll no' expect ye."

THE RELATIONs.h.i.+P OF HOG TO BACON

A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account of kins.h.i.+p.

"How so?" demanded the judge.

"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin that they cannot be separated."

"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."

UNION IS STRENGTH

A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is strength--a fact of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for had the fleas been unanimous last night they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!"

said the landlord, in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted the traveller, "they are all married and have uncommonly large families."

COURTs.h.i.+P

"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his heart's holiest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," she answered, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay, Martha, but dost thee regard me with the feeling the world calls love?"

"I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly feared that my heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all, but I have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share."

TO LET

A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl, who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No,"

answered she, "I am to be let alone."

CUT AND COME AGAIN