The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 97

Those silent notes of thine are such As quite suffice for me.

I'll make no question if thy skill The pencil comprehends, Enough for me, love, if thou still Canst draw thy dividends!

THE RAILWAY OP LIFE.

Short was the pa.s.sage through this earthly vale, By turnpike roads when mortals used to wend; But now we travel by the way of rail, As soon again we reach the journey's end.

A CONJUGAL CONUNDRUM.

Which is of greater value, prythee, say, The Bride or Bridegroom?--must the truth be told?

Alas, it must! The Bride is given away-- The Bridegroom's often regularly sold.

NUMBERS ALTERED.

The lounger must oft, as he walks through the streets, Be struck with the grace of some girl that he meets; So graceful behind in dress--ringlets--all that-- But one gaze at the front--what a horrid old cat!

You then think of the notice you've seen on a door, Which informs you, of "70 late 24."

GRAMMAR FOR THE COURT OF BERLIN

His majesty you should not say of FRITZ, That king is neuter; so for HIS, use ITS.

THE EMPTY BOTTLE.

WILLIAM AYTOUN

Ah, liberty! how like thou art To this large bottle lying here, Which yesterday from foreign mart, Came filled with potent English beer!

A touch of steel--a hand--a gush-- A pop that sounded far and near-- A wild emotion--liquid rush-- And I had drunk that English beer!

And what remains?--An empty sh.e.l.l!

A lifeless form both sad and queer, A temple where no G.o.d doth dwell-- The simple memory of beer!

THE DEATH OF DOCTOR MORRISON.

BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY.

What's the news?--Why, they say Death has killed Dr. Morrison.

The Pill-maker? Yes. Then Death will be sorry soon.

EPIGRAMS BY JOHN G. SAXE.

ON A RECENT CLa.s.sIC CONTROVERSY.

Nay, marvel not to see these scholars fight, In brave disdain of certain scath and scar; 'Tis but the genuine, old, h.e.l.lenic spite,-- "When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war!"

ANOTHER.

Quoth David to Daniel--"Why is it these scholars Abuse one another whenever they speak?"

Quoth Daniel to David--"it nat'rally follers Folks come to hard words if they meddle with Greek!"

ON AN ILL-READ LAWYER.

An idle attorney besought a brother For "something to read--some novel or other, That was really fresh and new."

"Take Chitty!" replied his legal friend, "There isn't a book that I could lend Would prove more 'novel' to you!"

ON AN UGLY PERSON SITTING FOR A DAGUERREOTYPE

Here Nature in her gla.s.s--the wanton elf-- Sits gravely making faces at herself; And while she scans each clumsy feature o'er, Repeats the blunders that she made before!

WOMAN'S WILL.

Men dying make their wills--but wives Escape a work so sad; Why should they make what all their lives The gentle dames have had?

FAMILY QUARRELS.

"A fool," said Jeanette, "is a creature I hate!"

"But hating," quoth John, "is immoral; Besides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate To be found in a family quarrel!"

A REVOLUTIONARY HERO.

JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL

Old Joe is gone, who saw hot Percy goad His slow artillery up the Concord road, A tale which grew in wonder year by year; As every time he told it, Joe drew near To the main fight, till faded and grown gray, The original scene to bolder tints gave way; Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick Beat on stove drum with one uncaptured stick, And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop, Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop; Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight Had squared more nearly to his sense of right, And vanquished Perry, to complete the tale, Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail.

EPIGRAMS OF HALPIN

THE LAST RESORT.

A dramatist declared he had got So many people in his plot, That what to do with half he had Was like to drive him drama-mad!

"The hero and the heroine Of course are married--very fine!