Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 29

_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_.

_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again Till I have cooked the geese of Tom and Jane!

But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky, For downright felonies I'm far too funky!

I'd hire a.s.sa.s.sins--but of late the villains Have raised their usual fee to fifteen s.h.i.+llin's!

Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age!

So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) I must myself get rid of Tom and Jenny.

Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter, And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.

(_Looking off._) Ha, in the distance, Jane and little Tom I see!

These berries--(_meditatively_)--why, it only needs diplomacy.

Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!

[_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ Jane _and_ Tom _trip in, and regard him with innocent wonder._

_Jane._ Uncle, what _is_ the joke? Why all this merriment?

_The W. U._ (_in guilty confusion_). Not merriment, my loves--a trifling spasm-- Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em!

I'm feeling better than I did at first-- _You're_ looking flushed, though not, I hope, with thirst?

[_Insidiously._

_Song, by the_ Wicked Uncle.

The sun is scorching overhead; The roads are dry and dusty; And here are berries, ripe and red, Refres.h.i.+ng when you're _thusty_!

They're hanging just within your reach, Inviting you to clutch them!

But--as your Uncle--I beseech You won't attempt to touch them?

_Tommy and Jane_ (_dutifully_). We'll do whatever you beseech, and not attempt to touch them!

[_Annoyance of_ W. U.

_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) A child, in order kept, shuns; And fruit in lanes is seldom good (With several exceptions).

However freely you partake, It can't--as you are young--kill, But should it cause a stomach-ache-- Well, don't you blame your Uncle!

_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our Uncle!

_The W. U._ (_aside_). They'll need no further personal a.s.sistance, But take the bait when I am at a distance.

I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats, (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets, Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut!

[_Stealing off._

_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going?

_The W. U._ (_with a.s.sumed jauntiness_). Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._

_Tommy_ (_looking wistfully at the berries_). I say, they _do_ look nice, Jane, such a lot too!

_Jane_ (_demurely_). Well, Tommy, Uncle never told us _not_ to.

[_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance of delight._

_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance_).

_Tommy_ (_dancing, with his mouth full_). These berries ain't so bad--although they've far too much acidity.

_Jane_ (_ditto_). To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.

_Tommy_ (_rudely_). But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with wonderful avidity!

_Jane_ (_indignantly_). No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now!

_Tommy_ (_calmly_). But you _are_!

_Jane._ And so are _you_!

[_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which they gaze thoughtfully at each other._

_Jane._ This fruit is most refres.h.i.+ng--but it's curious how it cloys on you!

_Tommy_ (_with anxiety_). I wonder why all appet.i.te for dinner it destroys in you!

_Jane._ Oh, Tommy, aren't you half afraid you've ate enough to poison you?

_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c.

[_They dance as before._

_Tommy._ Jane, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity?

_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.

_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.

[_Refrain as before; they dance with decreasing spirit, and finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._

_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.

_Tommy._ My pa.s.sing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.

_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?

[_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but suddenly sit down side by side._

_Jane_ (_with a gasp_). I don't know what it is--but, oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar!

_Tommy_ (_with a gulp_). I've tumults taking place within that I may say unruly are.

_Jane._ Why, Tommy, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are!