Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas - BestLightNovel.com
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_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_.
_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again Till I have cooked the geese of Tom and Jane!
But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky, For downright felonies I'm far too funky!
I'd hire a.s.sa.s.sins--but of late the villains Have raised their usual fee to fifteen s.h.i.+llin's!
Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age!
So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) I must myself get rid of Tom and Jenny.
Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter, And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.
(_Looking off._) Ha, in the distance, Jane and little Tom I see!
These berries--(_meditatively_)--why, it only needs diplomacy.
Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!
[_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ Jane _and_ Tom _trip in, and regard him with innocent wonder._
_Jane._ Uncle, what _is_ the joke? Why all this merriment?
_The W. U._ (_in guilty confusion_). Not merriment, my loves--a trifling spasm-- Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em!
I'm feeling better than I did at first-- _You're_ looking flushed, though not, I hope, with thirst?
[_Insidiously._
_Song, by the_ Wicked Uncle.
The sun is scorching overhead; The roads are dry and dusty; And here are berries, ripe and red, Refres.h.i.+ng when you're _thusty_!
They're hanging just within your reach, Inviting you to clutch them!
But--as your Uncle--I beseech You won't attempt to touch them?
_Tommy and Jane_ (_dutifully_). We'll do whatever you beseech, and not attempt to touch them!
[_Annoyance of_ W. U.
_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) A child, in order kept, shuns; And fruit in lanes is seldom good (With several exceptions).
However freely you partake, It can't--as you are young--kill, But should it cause a stomach-ache-- Well, don't you blame your Uncle!
_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our Uncle!
_The W. U._ (_aside_). They'll need no further personal a.s.sistance, But take the bait when I am at a distance.
I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats, (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets, Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut!
[_Stealing off._
_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going?
_The W. U._ (_with a.s.sumed jauntiness_). Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._
_Tommy_ (_looking wistfully at the berries_). I say, they _do_ look nice, Jane, such a lot too!
_Jane_ (_demurely_). Well, Tommy, Uncle never told us _not_ to.
[_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance of delight._
_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance_).
_Tommy_ (_dancing, with his mouth full_). These berries ain't so bad--although they've far too much acidity.
_Jane_ (_ditto_). To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.
_Tommy_ (_rudely_). But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with wonderful avidity!
_Jane_ (_indignantly_). No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now!
_Tommy_ (_calmly_). But you _are_!
_Jane._ And so are _you_!
[_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which they gaze thoughtfully at each other._
_Jane._ This fruit is most refres.h.i.+ng--but it's curious how it cloys on you!
_Tommy_ (_with anxiety_). I wonder why all appet.i.te for dinner it destroys in you!
_Jane._ Oh, Tommy, aren't you half afraid you've ate enough to poison you?
_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c.
[_They dance as before._
_Tommy._ Jane, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity?
_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.
_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.
[_Refrain as before; they dance with decreasing spirit, and finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._
_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.
_Tommy._ My pa.s.sing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.
_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?
[_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but suddenly sit down side by side._
_Jane_ (_with a gasp_). I don't know what it is--but, oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar!
_Tommy_ (_with a gulp_). I've tumults taking place within that I may say unruly are.
_Jane._ Why, Tommy, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are!
