Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 6

_Chorus_--Why _shouldn't_ the darlings, &c.

They'll declare it's quite immoral to engage in foreign quarrel, And that Britons never never will be warriors any more!

When our forces are abolished, and defences all demolished, They will turn upon the Jingo tack, and want to go to war!

_Spoken_--So----

_Chorus_--Why _shouldn't_ the darlings, &c.

(_With a grieved air._) Yet there's some who'd close such vistars to their poor down-trodden sistars, And persuade 'em, if they're offered votes, politely to refuse!

Say they do not care about 'em, and would rather be without 'em-- Oh, I haven't common patience with such narrer-minded views!

_Spoken_--No!----

_Chorus_--Why _shouldn't_ the darlings, &c.

And it's females--that's the puzzle!--who pet.i.tion for the muzzle, Which I call it poor and paltry, and I think you'll say so too.

They are not in any danger. Let 'em drop the dog-in-manger!

If they don't require the vote themselves, there's other Ladies do!

_Spoken_--And----

_Chorus_--Why _shouldn't_ the darlings, &c.

[_Here the singer will gradually retreat backwards to the rear of the stage, open his crush-hat, and extend it in an att.i.tude of triumph as the curtain descends._

VII.--THE FRANKLY CANAILLE.

Any ditty which accurately reflects the habits and amus.e.m.e.nts of the people is a valuable human doc.u.ment--a fact that probably accounts for the welcome which songs in the following style invariably receive from Music-hall audiences generally. If--_Mr. Punch_ presumes--they conceived such pictures of their manner of spending a holiday to be unjustly or incorrectly drawn in any way, they would protest strongly against being so grossly misrepresented. As they do nothing of the sort, no apology can be needed for the following effusion, which several ladies now adorning the Music-hall stage could be trusted to render with immense effect. The singer should be young and charming, and attired as simply as possible. Simplicity of attire imparts additional piquancy to the words:--

THE POOR OLD 'ORSE.

We 'ad a little outing larst Sunday arternoon; And sech a jolly lark it was, I shan't forget it soon!

We borrered an excursion van to take us down to Kew, And--oh, we did enjoy ourselves! I don't mind telling _you._

[_This to the Chef d'Orchestre, who will a.s.sume a polite interest._

[_Here a little spoken interlude is customary._ Mr. P. _does not venture to do more than indicate this by a synopsis, the details can be filled in according to the taste and fancy of_ _the fair artiste:--"Yes, we did 'ave a time, I can a.s.sure yer." The party: "Me and_ Jimmy 'Opkins;" _old_ "Pa Plapper."

_Asked because he lent the van. The meanness of his subsequent conduct._ "Aunt Snapper;" _her imposing appearance in her "cawfy-coloured front."_ Bill Blazer; _his "girl," and his accordion._ Mrs. Add.i.c.k _(of the fried-fish emporium round the corner); her gentility--"Never seen out of her mittens, and always the lady, no matter how much she may have taken." From this work round by an easy transition to--_

_The Chorus_--For we _'ad_ to stop o' course, Jest to bait the bloomin' 'orse, So we'd pots of ale and porter (Or a drop o' something shorter), While he drunk his pail o' water, He was sech a whale on water!

That more water than he oughter, More water than he oughter, 'Ad the poor old 'orse!

_Second Stanza._

That 'orse he was a rum 'un--a queer old quadru-ped, At every public-'ouse he pa.s.sed he'd c.o.c.k his artful 'ed!

Sez I: "If he goes on like this, we shan't see Kew to-night!"

Jim 'Opkins winks his eye, and sez--"We'll git along all right!"

_Chorus_--Though we 'ave to stop of course,--&c., &c.

[_With slight textual modifications._

_Third Stanza._

At Kinsington we 'alted, 'Ammersmith, and Turnham Green, The 'orse 'ad sech a thust on him, its like was never seen!

With every 'arf a mile or so, that animal got blown: And we was far too well brought-up to let 'im drink alone!

_Chorus_--As we 'ad to stop, o' course, &c.

_Fourth Stanza._

We stopped again at Chiswick, till at last we got to Kew, But when we reached the Gardings--well, there was a fine to-do!

The Keeper, in his gold-laced tile, was shutting-to the gate, Sez he: "There's no admittance now--you're just arrived too late!"

[_Synopsis of spoken Interlude: Spirited pa.s.sage-at-arms between_ Mr. Wm. Blazer _and the_ Keeper; _singular action of_ Pa Plapper; _"I want to see yer PaG.o.der--bring out yer old PaG.o.der as you're so proud on!"_ Mrs. Add.i.c.k's _disappointment at not being able to see the "Intemperate Plants," and the "Pitcher Shrub," once more. Her subsidence in tears, on the floor of the van._ Keeper _concludes the dialogue by inquiring why the party did not arrive sooner. An' we sez_, "Well, it was like this, ole c.o.c.k robin--d'yer see?"

_Chorus_--We've 'ad to stop, o' course, &c.

_Fifth Stanza._

"Don't fret," I sez, "about it, for they ain't got much to see Inside their precious Gardings--so let's go and 'ave some tea!

A cup I seem to fancy now--I feel that faint and limp-- With a slice of bread-and-b.u.t.ter, and some creases, and a s'rimp!"

[_Description of the tea_:--"_And the s'rimps--well, I don't_ _want to say anything against the s'rimps--but it did strike me they were feelin' the 'eat a little--s'rimps are liable to it, and you can't prevent 'em." After tea. The only tune_ Mr. Blazer _could play on his accordion. Tragic end of that instrument. How the party had a "little more lush." Scandalous behaviour of_ "Bill Blazer's _girl." The company consume what will be elegantly referred to as "a bit o' booze."_ Aunt Snapper _"gets the 'ump." The outrage to her front. The proposal to start--whereupon,_ "Mrs. Add.i.c.k, _who was a'-settin' on the geraniums in the winder, smilin' at her boots, which she'd just took off because she said they stopped her breathing,"

protested that there was no hurry, considering that_--

_Chorus, as before_--We've got to stop, o' course, &c.

_Sixth Stanza._

But when the van was ordered, we found--what _do_ yer think?

[_To the_ Chef d'Orchestre, _who will affect complete ignorance._

That miserable 'orse 'ad been an' took too much to drink!

He kep' a reeling round us, like a circus worked by steam, And, 'stead o' keeping singular, he'd turned into a team!

[_Disgust of the party:_ Pa Plapper _proposes to go back to the inn for more refreshment, urging--_

_Chorus_--We must wait awhile o' course, Till they've sobered down the 'orse.

Just another pot o' porter Or a drop o' something shorter, While our good landlady's daughter Takes him out some soda-warter.

For he's 'ad more than he oughter, He's 'ad more than he oughter, 'As the poor old 'orse!

_Seventh Stanza._

So, when they brought the 'orse round, we started on our way: 'Twas 'orful 'ow the animal from side to side would sway!

Young 'Opkins took the reins, but soon in slumber he was sunk-- (_Indignantly._) When a interfering Copper ran us in for being drunk!