Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 8

_Refrain_ (_ill.u.s.trative of utter loss of self-respect_).

"Find one straight before me?"

Bobby, you're a trump!

Faintness stealing o'er me-- Ha--at last--a pump!

If that little maid 'll Just make room for one, I could grab the ladle After she has done.

_The last verse is the culminating point of this moral drama:--The miserable wretch has reached the last stage. He shuts himself up in his cheerless abode, and there, in shameful secrecy, consumes the element for which he is powerless to pay--the inevitable Nemesis following._

_Sixth Verse_ (_All lights down in front. Ghastly green light at wings_).

Up his sordid stairs in secret to the cistern now he steals, Where, amidst organic matter, gambol microscopic eels; Tremblingly he turns the tap on--not a trickle greets the trough!

For the stony-hearted turnc.o.c.k's gone and cut his water off!

_Refrain_ (_in which the profligate is supposed to demand an explanation from the turnc.o.c.k, with a terrible denoument_).

"Rate a quarter owing, Comp'ny stopped supply."

"Set the stream a-flowing, Demon--or you die!"

"Mercy!--ah! you've choked me!"

[_In hoa.r.s.e, strangled voice as the turnc.o.c.k._ "_Will_ you turn the plug?" [_Savagely as the hero._ "No!" [_Faintly, as turnc.o.c.k._

[_Business of flinging a corpse on stage, and regarding it terror-stricken. A long pause; then, in a whisper,_--

"The fool provoked me!

(_With a maniac laugh._) Horror! I'm a Thug!"

[_Here the artist will die, mad, in frightful agony, and rise to bow his acknowledgments._

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DUETTISTS.]

IX.--THE DUETTISTS.

The "Duet and Dance" form so important a feature in Music-hall entertainments, that they could hardly, with any propriety, be neglected in a model compilation such as _Mr. Punch's_, and it is possible that he may offer more than one example of this blameless diversion. For some reason or other, the habit of singing in pairs would seem to induce a pessimistic tone of mind in most Music-hall _artistes_, and--why, _Mr.

Punch_ does not pretend to say--this cynicism is always more marked when the performers are of the softer s.e.x. Our present study is intended to fulfil the requirements of the most confirmed female sceptic, and, though the Message of the Music Halls may have been given worthier and fuller expression by pens more practised in such compositions, _Mr.

Punch_ is still modestly confident that this ditty, with all its shortcomings, can be sung in any Music Hall in the Metropolis without exciting any sentiment other than entire approval of the teaching it conveys. One drawback, indeed, it has, but that concerns the performers alone. For the sake of affording contrast and relief, it was thought expedient that one of the fair duettists should profess an optimism which may--perhaps must--tend to impair her popularity. A conscientious _artiste_ may legitimately object, for the sake of her professional reputation, to present herself in so humiliating a character as that of an _ingenue_, and a female "Juggins"; and it does seem as if the Cynical Sister must inevitably monopolise the sympathies of an enlightened audience. However, this difficulty is less formidable than it appears; it should be easy for the Unsophisticated Sister to convey a subtle suggestion here and there, possibly in the incidental dance between the verses, that she is not really inferior to her partner in smartness and knowledge of the world. But perhaps it would be the fairest arrangement if the Sisters could agree to alternate so ungrateful a _role._

RHINO!

_First Verse._

_First Sister_ (_placing three of the fingers of her left hand on her heart, and extending her right arm in timid appeal_).

Dear sister, of late I'm beginning to doubt If the world is as black as they paint it.

It mayn't be as bad as some try to make out----

_Second Sister_ (_with an elaborate mock curtsy._) That _is_ a discovery! _Mayn't_ it?

_First S._ (_abashed_).

I'm sure there are sev'ral who aren't a bad lot, And some sort of principle seem to have got, For they act on the square----

_Second S._ Don't you talk tommy-rot!

It's done for advertis.e.m.e.nt, _ain't_ it?

_Refrain._

_Second S._ Why, there's n.o.body at bottom any better than the rest!

_First S._ Are you sure of it?

_Second S._ I'm telling you, and _I_ know, The principle they act upon's whatever pays 'em best.

And the only real religion now is--Rhino!

[_The last word must be rendered with full metallic effect. A step-dance, expressive of conviction on one part and incipient wavering on the other, should be performed between the verses._

_Second Verse._

_First S._ (_returning, shaken, to the charge_).

Some _un_married men lead respectable lives.

_Second S._ (_decisively_). Well, I've never happened to meet them!

_First S._ There are husbands who're always polite to their wives.

_Second S._ Of course--if their better halves beat them!

_First S._ Some tradesmen have consciences, so I've heard said; Their provisions are never adulterated, But they treat all their customers fairly instead.

_Second S._ 'Cause they don't find it answer to cheat them!

_Refrain._

_First S._ {What?

{ _Second S._ {No,--They're none of 'em at bottom any better than the rest.

_Second S._ I'm speaking from experience, and _I_ know.

If you could put a window-pane in everybody's breast You'd see on all the hearts was written--"Rhino!"

_Third Verse._

_First S._ There are girls you can't tempt with a t.i.tle or gold.

_Second S._ There may be--but I've never seen one.

_First S._ Some much prefer love in a cottage, I'm told.