A Nonsense Anthology Part 36

THE BISON

The Bison is vain, and (I write it with pain) The Door-mat you see on his head Is not, as some learned professors maintain, The opulent growth of a genius' brain; But is sewn on with needle and thread.

_Hilaire Belloc_.

THE PANTHER

Be kind to the panther! for when thou wert young, In thy country far over the sea, 'Twas a panther ate up thy papa and mamma, And had several mouthfuls of thee!

Be kind to the badger! for who shall decide The depths of his badgerly soul?

And think of the tapir when flashes the lamp O'er the fast and the free-flowing bowl.

Be kind to the camel! nor let word of thine Ever put up his bactrian back; And cherish the she-kangaroo with her bag, Nor venture to give her the sack.

Be kind to the ostrich! for how canst thou hope To have such a stomach as it?

And when the proud day of your bridal shall come, Do give the poor birdie a bit.

Be kind to the walrus! nor ever forget To have it on Tuesday to tea; But b.u.t.ter the crumpets on only one side, Save such as are eaten by thee.

Be kind to the bison! and let the jackal In the light of thy love have a share; And coax the ichneumon to grow a new tail, And have lots of larks in its lair.

Be kind to the bustard! that genial bird, And humor its wishes and ways; And when the poor elephant suffers from bile, Then tenderly lace up his stays!

_Anonymous_.

THE MONKEY'S GLUE

When the monkey in his madness Took the glue to mend his voice, 'Twas the crawfish showed his sadness That the bluebird could rejoice.

Then the perspicacious parrot Sought to save the suicide By administering carrot, But the monkey merely died.

So the crawfish and the parrot Sauntered slowly toward the sea, While the bluebird stole the carrot And returned the glue to me.

_Goldwin Goldsmith_.

THERE WAS A FROG

There was a frog swum in the lake, The crab came crawling by: "Wilt thou," coth the frog, "be my make?"

Coth the crab, "No, not I."

"My skin is sooth and dappled fine, I can leap far and nigh.

Thy sh.e.l.l is hard: so is not mine."

Coth the crab, "No, not I."

"Tell me," then spake the crab, "therefore, Or else I thee defy: Give me thy claw, I ask no more."

Coth the frog, "That will I."

The crab bit off the frog's fore-feet; The frog then he must die.

To woo a crab it is not meet: If any do, it is not I.

_From Christ Church MS., I. 549_.

THE BLOATED BIGGABOON

The bloated Biggaboon Was so haughty, he would not repose In a house, or a hall, or _ces choses_, But he slept his high sleep in his clothes-- 'Neath the moon.

The bloated Biggaboon Pour'd contempt upon waistcoat and skirt, Holding swallow-tails even as dirt-- So he puff'd himself out in his s.h.i.+rt, Like a b'loon.

_H. Cholmondeley-Pennell_.

WILD FLOWERS

"Of what are you afraid, my child?" inquired the kindly teacher.

"Oh, sir! the flowers, they are wild," replied the timid creature.

_Peter Newell_.

TIMID HORTENSE

"Now, if the fish will only bite, we'll have some royal fun."

"And do fish bite? The horrid things! Indeed, I'll not catch one!"

_Peter Newell_.

HER POLKA DOTS

She played upon her music-box a fancy air by chance, And straightway all her polka-dots began a lively dance.

_Peter Newell_.