The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment Part 6

CHAPTER V.

_Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation._

This first division will comprehend the physical care of the organs we use in conversation, our movements, the manner of listening, p.r.o.nunciation, and purity of speech in a grammatical view.

SECTION I.

_Physical Observances in Conversation._

Conversation is the princ.i.p.al, not to say the only means of pleasing, and making our way in the world. How does it happen then, that so many persons converse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown upon themselves, and the _ennui_ they occasion their hearers; without going into the inquiry, whether they have not some physical qualities which present more or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, or without thinking of the means of correcting them!

We shall point out some faults and the means of remedying them. It is essential in speaking, to be well on our guard not to protrude the tongue too near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many great inconveniences: it occasions a kind of disagreeable hissing, produced by the immediate contact of this organ as it pa.s.ses the teeth; and exposes us to throw out saliva.[13] When an unfortunate habit or too great a development of the tongue produces these accidents, we should take care to keep this unlucky organ out of the way on one side of the gums or the other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, that is, stammering, by reason of too small size of the tongue, we should practice when we are alone speaking distinctly. To declaim and to exercise ourselves upon the words which present the greatest difficulties, is a useful exercise.

There are some persons in whom the saliva is so abundant, that it makes their p.r.o.nunciation thick; such persons should accustom themselves to swallow it before beginning to speak.

Politeness in accordance with health, requires that our teeth should be perfectly clean. A yellow and foul set of teeth, which emit an odor, will not suffer any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence of our language. Feelings of disgust are without appeal.

Some persons who have fine teeth, have the lamentable fault of showing them in speaking; this ridiculous vanity excites laughter, and besides, injures the physiognomy: it is not necessary to conceal the teeth to the utmost, but always without affectation. To use a tooth-pick while speaking, to carry the fingers to the gums, to hold a flower between the teeth, are habits of bad _ton_.

To open the mouth widely when one speaks, especially when making an exclamation of wonder or surprise; to draw the mouth on one side to give ourselves the air of an original; to contract it, in order to make it small; to laugh violently in an unmeaning and boisterous manner; to impart to the lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any one relates or reads something sad or terrible; to force our breath into the face of the person we are conversing with--all these are shocking faults, and insupportable grimaces.

[13] When this accident happens to any one, you must appear not to perceive it.

SECTION II.

_Of Gestures._

To act a pantomine with every word, cannot be tolerated; extended or numerous gestures, which do not accord with the conversation; mysterious signs accompanying the announcement of the most simple thing; abrupt gestures, in friendly conversation; mincing gestures, in serious conversation; rapid movements of the person, sitting or standing, and who seems to be performing a sort of a dance--all these are equally great faults against propriety and good taste.

We should not absolutely condemn gestures, which, according to the Abbe Delille, give physiognomy to our conversation. Moderate action corresponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, lively, and graceful, are allowable, and even indispensable. The left hand must not move, but a significant and exact co-operation of the right hand, should never be wanting in conversation: but I must censure dialogists, who put their hand into their pockets or work-bags, who always rest them joined or crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons give themselves the air of automatons, while, on the other hand, excessive gesticulators, have the appearance of madmen.

Those persons who in conversing, violently seize hold of the arm of their chair; play with little objects which come under their hands; who amuse themselves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning their hat backwards and forwards, twisting and untwisting the strings of their bag, or the ends of their cravat, are, without doubt, ignorant how much opposed to politeness, are these degrees of familiarity, childishness and embarra.s.sment. I will briefly add, that those who are witnesses of all these ridiculous actions, ought never to notice them, unless they wish to be still more ridiculous themselves.

SECTION III.

_Of the Talent of Listening to Others._

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarra.s.sed, you should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; _please to continue; you were just saying?_--If we are obliged in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation.

If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and a.s.sume an air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, _and finally_--

Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator p.r.o.nounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; _I ask your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it_, &c. It is necessary also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief.

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening becomes embarra.s.sing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pa.s.s for a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pa.s.s for an uncivil person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the following, _That is astonis.h.i.+ng_, will extricate you honorably from your embarra.s.sment; but when an event is narrated which is only extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this kind; _If I did not know your strict regard for the truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly believed it._ Under no circ.u.mstances should you interrupt him.

It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, _I see it, it is so, exactly_. An interruption of this kind, although well meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your _I see it_, &c. as with a triumphant air, _egad, but you can't see it_, &c.

which is always embarra.s.sing.

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity.

It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he might have made something interesting; but if we should not be restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the poor narrator who is injured in his rights.

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to do it by a gesture.

There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture of surprise; by a motion of a.s.sent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit manner of saying, _ah, I recollect, you are right_, and charms the narrator without interrupting him.

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, however, to be too often repeated.

There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the narrator, _Yes, yes_, by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a pendulum; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits are offences against good _ton_.

SECTION IV.

_Of p.r.o.nunciation._

p.r.o.nunciation is still more indispensable in conversation than elocution; for indeed before selecting our expressions, we must make them understood, and one can do this but imperfectly if he p.r.o.nounces badly. From this fault arise forced repet.i.tions, the loss of what is appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the impatience of the two persons speaking, and in fine, all the sad results of deafness. Should we not use every effort to rid ourselves of this?

The first, the greatest impediment to p.r.o.nouncing well, is volubility.

By speaking too fast, we speak confusedly, and utter inarticulate and unintelligible sounds, and this, without dispute, is of all the faults in p.r.o.nunciation, the most insupportable. We know very well, that to speak too slowly, and as they say, to listen to our own words, is a caprice which seems to denote pride or nonchalance; and that in certain cases it is necessary to speak quickly; but we ought never to speak precipitately, even on subjects which require us to be brief. Besides the physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other moral inconveniences: it supposes heedlessness, loquacity, or foolishness.

Next comes hesitancy, which is little less troublesome, for it fills the conversation with ridiculous and painful efforts. This defect which is sometimes owing to the organization, happens still more frequently from neglecting to think before we speak, from timidity, from some lively emotion which obliges us to stammer, or from a formal anxiety to make use of select terms. This last motive is almost an excess. With the intention of pleasing persons, you weary them by repet.i.tions, by far-fetched mincing words, and in order to appear clever, you render yourself excessively annoying.

The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, and a provincial accent, are frequently obstacles to good p.r.o.nunciation; let us instance some examples of this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among those who are considered as correct speakers, in general, such a misuse of words as the following: _Me_ for _I_, _Miss_ for _Mrs._, _set_ for _sit_, _sat out_ for _set out_, _expect_, (of a pa.s.sed event;) _lay_ for _lie_, _shew_ for _showed_, _would_ for _should_, _hadn't ought_ for _ought not_, &c. As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. To discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an opposite effort, are the means of avoiding these shoals; but however ridiculous we may appear in running upon them continually, we are a hundred times less so than those people who, like true pedagogues, stop you in the midst of an affecting recital, to repeat with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly p.r.o.nounced, or a wrong accent which happens to escape you.

Not only among persons of good society, should we condemn pedantry in p.r.o.nunciation, but we ought, moreover, with Rousseau, to blame over-nicety of p.r.o.nunciation or _purism_. He could not tolerate (and many others like him,) those people so particular in sounding every letter of a word.[14]

Besides a general accent, there is also a particular accent, which gives a shade to the words, when we express a sentiment. We feel all its delicacy and its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in perfect harmony with the language; that it ought to be free from all affectation, and all exaggeration. To utter hard things in a tone of mildness; to display in a humble voice proud pretensions; to open a political discussion in a caressing tone; to recount an affair of pleasantry with a melancholy accent,--is ridiculous in the highest degree. It is no less so, to force the accent, to pervert it into irony; or to introduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or tone.

We cannot judge by the accent of a person who speaks too high or too low, but we decide, in the first case, that he is vulgar, and in the second, that he is disdainful.

[14] The examples in the original, are the final letters of the words, _tabac_, _sang_, _estomac_. In English, some persons are as scrupulous in the distinct p.r.o.nunciation of every letter in such words as _extra-ordinary_, _Wed-nes-day_, &c.--_T._

SECTION V.

_Of Correctness in Speaking._

_'Surtout qu'en vos discours la langue reveree.'_

In addressing this advice to readers, we shall beware of considering them as strangers to the rules of grammar; it is so shameful at the present day to be ignorant of one's own language, that it would not be less so, to suspect others of not knowing it; but although we may not be deprived of this indispensable knowledge, it is still necessary carefully to beware of contracting bad habits in language; of using bad phrases, and even of using terms of which we know not the import; a little study and attention will afford a certain remedy to the embarra.s.sment which we might experience.

Young people cannot too much guard against these faults, which show an education that has been little attended to. They will arrive at it by studying a good grammarian, and by paying attention to the sense of their words.