Ten Thousand a-Year Volume I Part 1

Ten Thousand a-Year.

Volume 1.

by Samuel Warren.

PREFACE.

The Author of this Work begs gratefully to express his conviction that no small share of any success which it may have met with, is attributable to the circ.u.mstance of its having had the advantage of an introduction to the public through the medium of _Blackwood's Magazine_--a distinguished periodical, to which he feels it an honor to have been, for a time, a contributor.

One word, only, he ventures to offer, with reference to the general character and tendency of "TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR." He has occasionally observed it spoken of as "an amusing and laughable" story; but he cannot help thinking that no one will so characterize it, who may take the trouble of reading it throughout, and be capable of comprehending its scope and object. Whatever may be its defects of execution, it has been written in a grave and earnest spirit; with no attempt whatever to render it acceptable to _mere_ novel-readers; but with a steadfast view to that development and ill.u.s.tration, whether humorously or otherwise, of principles, of character, and of conduct, which the author had proposed to himself from the first, in the hope that he might secure the approbation of persons of sober, independent, and experienced judgment.

Literature is not the author's profession. Having been led, by special circ.u.mstances only, to commence writing this work, he found it impossible to go on, without sacrificing to it a large portion of the time usually allotted to repose, at some little cost both of health and spirits. This was, however, indispensable, in order to prevent its interference with his professional avocations. It has been written, also, under certain other considerable disadvantages--which may account for several imperfections in it during its original appearance. The periodical interval of leisure which his profession allows him, has enabled the author, however, to give that revision to the whole, which may render it worthier of the public favor. He is greatly gratified by the reception which it has already met with, both at home and abroad; and in taking a final and a reluctant leave of the public, ventures to express a hope, that this work may prove to be an addition, however small and humble, to the stock of healthy English literature.

LONDON, _October_ 1841.

For the beautiful verses ent.i.tled "PEACE," (at page 266, Vol. I.) the author is indebted to a friend--(W. S.)

CHAPTER I.

About ten o'clock one Sunday morning, in the month of July 18--, the dazzling sunbeams, which had for several hours irradiated a little dismal back attic in one of the closest courts adjoining Oxford Street, in London, and stimulated with their intensity the closed eyelids of a young man--one t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE--lying in bed, at length awoke him. He rubbed his eyes for some time, to relieve himself from the irritation occasioned by the sudden glare they encountered; and yawned and stretched his limbs with a heavy sense of weariness, as though his sleep had not refreshed him. He presently cast his eyes towards the heap of clothes lying huddled together on the backless chair by the bedside, where he had hastily flung them about an hour after midnight; at which time he had returned from a great draper's shop in Oxford Street, where he served as a shopman, and where he had nearly dropped asleep, after a long day's work, in the act of putting up the shutters. He could hardly keep his eyes open while he undressed, short as was the time required to do so; and on dropping exhausted into bed, there he had continued, in deep unbroken slumber, till the moment of his being presented to the reader.--He lay for several minutes, stretching, yawning, and sighing, occasionally casting an irresolute glance towards the tiny fireplace, where lay a modic.u.m of wood and coal, with a tinder-box and a match or two placed upon the hob, so that he could easily light his fire for the purposes of shaving, and breakfasting. He stepped at length lazily out of bed, and when he felt his feet, again yawned and stretched himself.

Then he lit his fire, placed his bit of a kettle on the top of it, and returned to bed, where he lay with his eye fixed on the fire, watching the crackling blaze insinuate itself through the wood and coal. Once, however, it began to fail, so he had to get up and a.s.sist it, by blowing, and bits of paper; and it seemed in so precarious a state that he determined not again to lie down, but sit on the bedside: as he did, with his arms folded, ready to resume operations if necessary. In this posture he remained for some time, watching his little fire, and listlessly listening to the discordant jangling of innumerable church-bells, clamorously calling the citizens to their devotions. The current of thoughts pa.s.sing through his mind, was something like the following:--

"Heigho!--Lud, Lud!--Dull as ditch water!--This is my only holiday, yet I don't seem to enjoy it!--for I feel knocked up with my week's work! (A yawn.) What a life mine is, to be sure! Here am I, in my eight-and-twentieth year, and for four long years have been one of the shopmen at Tag-rag & Co.'s, slaving from half-past seven o'clock in the morning till nine at night, and all for a salary of thirty-five pounds a-year, and my board! And Mr. Tag-rag--eugh! what a beast!--is always telling me how high he's raised my salary!! Thirty-five pounds a-year is all I have for lodging, and turning out like a gentleman! 'Pon my soul!

it _can't_ last; for sometimes I feel getting desperate--such strange thoughts come into my mind!--Seven s.h.i.+llings a-week do I pay for _this_ cursed hole--(he uttered these words with a bitter emphasis, accompanied by a disgustful look round the little room)--that one couldn't swing a cat in without touching the four sides!--Last winter three of our gents (_i. e._ his fellow-shopmen) came to tea with me one Sunday night; and bitter cold as it was, we four made this cussed dog-hole so hot, we were obliged to open the window!--And as for accommodation--I recollect I had to borrow two nasty chairs from the people below, who on the next Sunday borrowed my only decanter, in return, and, hang them, cracked it!--Curse me, say I, if this life is worth having! It's all the very vanity of vanities--as it's said somewhere in the Bible--and no mistake! f.a.g, f.a.g, f.a.g, all one's days, and--what for? Thirty-five pounds a-year, and '_no advance!_' (Here occurred a pause and revery, from which he was roused by the clangor of the church-bells.) Bah, bells! ring away till you're all cracked!--Now do you think _I'm_ going to be mewed up in church on this the only day out of the seven I've got to sweeten myself in, and sniff fresh air? A precious joke that would be! (A yawn.) Whew!--after all, I'd almost as lieve sit here; for what's the use of my going out?

Everybody I see out is happy, excepting me, and the poor chaps that are like me!--Everybody laughs when they see me, and know that I'm only a tallow-faced counter-jumper--I know that's the odious name we gents go by!--for whom it's no use to go out--for one day in seven can't give one a bloom! Oh, Lord! what's the use of being good-looking, as _some_ chaps say I am?"--Here he instinctively pa.s.sed his left hand through a profusion of sandy-colored hair, and cast an eye towards the bit of fractured looking-gla.s.s which hung against the wall, and had, by faithfully representing to him a by no means ugly set of features (despite the dismal hue of his hair) whenever he chose to appeal to it, afforded him more enjoyment than any other object in the world, for years. "Ah, by Jove! many and many's the fine gal I've done my best to attract the notice of, while I was serving her in the shop--that is, when I've seen her get out of a carriage! There has been luck to many a chap like me, in the same line of speculation: look at Tom Tarnish--how did he get Miss Tw.a.n.g, the rich pianoforte-maker's daughter?--and _now_ he's cut the shop, and lives at Hackney, like a regular gentleman! Ah!

that _was_ a stroke! But somehow it hasn't answered with _me_ yet; the gals don't take! How I have set my eyes to be sure, and ogled them!--_All_ of them don't seem to dislike the thing--and sometimes they'll smile, in a sort of way that says I'm safe--but it's been no use yet, not a bit of it!--My eyes! catch me, by the way, ever nodding again to a lady on the Sunday, that had smiled when I stared at her while serving her in the shop--after what happened to me a month or two ago in the Park! Didn't I feel like damaged goods, just then? But it's no matter, women are so different at different times!--Very likely I mismanaged the thing. By the way, what a precious puppy of a chap the fellow was that came up to her at the time she stepped out of her carriage to walk a bit! As for good looks--cut me to ribbons (another glance at the gla.s.s) no; I a'n't afraid _there_, neither--but--heigho!--I suppose he was, as they say, born with a golden spoon in his mouth, and had never so many a thousand a-year, to make up to him for never so few brains! He was uncommon well-dressed, though, I must own. What trousers!--they stuck so natural to him, he might have been born in them. And his waistcoat, and satin stock--what an air! And yet, his figure was nothing _very_ out of the way! His gloves, as white as snow; I've no doubt he wears a pair of them a-day--my stars! that's three-and-sixpence a-day; for don't I know what _they_ cost?--Whew! if I had but the cash to carry on that sort of thing!--And when he'd seen her into her carriage--the horse he got on!--and what a tip-top groom--that chap's wages, I'll answer for it, were equal to my salary!

(Here was another pause.) Now, just for the fun of the thing, only suppose luck was to befall _me_! Say that somebody was to leave me lots of cash--many thousands a-year, or something in that line! My stars!

wouldn't I go it with the best of them! (Another long pause.) Gad, I really should hardly know how to begin to spend it!--I think, by the way, I'd buy a _t.i.tle_ to set off with--for what won't money buy? The thing's often done; there was a great p.a.w.n-broker in the city, the other day, made a baronet of, all for his money--and why shouldn't I?" He grew a little heated with the progress of his reflections, clasping his hands with involuntary energy, as he stretched them out to their fullest extent, to give effect to a very hearty yawn. "Lord, only think how it would sound!--

"SIR t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE, BARONET;" or, "LORD t.i.tMOUSE!!"

"The very first place I'd go to, after I'd got my t.i.tle, and was rigged out in Tight-fit's tip-top, should be--our cursed shop! to buy a dozen or two pair of white kid. Ah, ha! What a flutter there would be among the poor pale devils as were standing, just as ever, behind the counters, at Tag-rag and Co.'s when my carriage drew up, and I stepped, a tip-top swell, into the shop. Tag-rag would come and attend to me himself! No, he wouldn't--pride wouldn't let him. I don't know, though: what wouldn't he do to turn a penny, and make two and nine-pence into three and a penny? I shouldn't _quite_ come Captain Stiff over him, I think, just at first; but I should treat him with a kind of an air, too, as if--hem! 'Pon my life! how delightful! (A sigh and a pause.) Yes, I should often come to the shop. Gad, it would be half the fun of my fortune! How they would envy me, to be sure! How one should enjoy it! I wouldn't think of _marrying_ till--and yet I won't say either; if I got among some of them out-and-outers--those first-rate articles--that lady, for instance, the other day in the Park--I should like to see her cut me as she did, with ten thousand a-year in my pocket! Why, she'd be running after _me_!--or there's no truth in novels, which I'm sure there's often a great deal in. Oh, of course, I might marry whom I pleased! Who couldn't be got with ten thousand a-year? (Another pause.) I think I should go abroad to Russia directly; for they tell me there's a man lives there who could dye this cussed hair of mine any color I liked--and--egad! I'd come home as black as a crow, and hold up my head as high as any of them! While I was about it, I'd have a touch at my eyebrows"---- Crash here went all his castle-building, at the sound of his tea-kettle, hissing, whizzing, sputtering, in the agonies of boiling over; as if the intolerable heat of the fire had driven desperate the poor creature placed upon it, which instinctively tried thus to extinguish the cause of its anguish. Having taken it off, and placed it upon the hob, and put on the fire a tiny fragment of fresh coal, he began to make preparations for shaving, by pouring some of the hot water into an old tea-cup, which was presently to serve for the purposes of breakfast. Then he spread out a bit of crumpled whity-brown paper, in which had been folded up a couple of cigars, bought over-night for the Sunday's special enjoyment--and as to which, if he supposed they had come from any place beyond the four seas, I imagine him to have been slightly mistaken. He placed this bit of paper on the little mantel-piece; drew his solitary well-worn razor several times across the palm of his left hand; dipped his brush, worn, within half an inch, to the stump, into the hot water; presently pa.s.sed it over so much of his face as he intended to shave; then rubbed on the damp surface a bit of yellow soap--and in less than five minutes Mr. t.i.tmouse was a shaved man. But mark--don't suppose that he had performed an extensive operation. One would have thought him anxious to get rid of as much as possible of his abominable sandy-colored hair. Quite the contrary! Every hair of his spreading whiskers was sacred from the touch of steel; and a bushy crop of hair stretched underneath his chin, coming curled out on each side of it, above his stock, like two little horns or tusks. An imperial--_i. e._ a dirt-colored tuft of hair, permitted to grow perpendicularly down the under-lip of puppies--and a pair of promising mustaches, poor Mr. t.i.tmouse had been compelled to sacrifice some time before, to the tyrannical whimsies of his vulgar employer, Mr. Tag-rag, who imagined them not to be exactly suitable appendages for counter-jumpers. Thus will it be seen that the s.p.a.ce shaved over on this occasion was somewhat circ.u.mscribed. This operation over, he took out of his trunk an old dirty-looking pomatum pot. A modic.u.m of its contents, extracted on the tips of his two forefingers, he stroked carefully into his eyebrows; then spreading some on the palms of his hands, he rubbed it vigorously into his stubborn hair and whiskers for some quarter of an hour; afterwards combing and brus.h.i.+ng his hair into half a dozen different dispositions--so fastidious in that matter was Mr. t.i.tmouse.

Then he dipped the end of a towel into a little water, and twisting it round his right forefinger, pa.s.sed it gently over his face, carefully avoiding his eyebrows, and the hair at the top, sides, and bottom of his face, which he then wiped with a dry corner of the towel; and no farther did Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse think it necessary to carry his ablutions.

Had he, however, been able to "see himself as others saw him," in respect of those neglected regions which lay somewhere behind and beneath his ears, he might not, possibly, have thought it superfluous to irrigate them with a little soap and water; but, after all, he knew best; it might have given him cold: and besides, his hair was very thick and long behind, and might perhaps conceal anything that was unsightly.

Then Mr. t.i.tmouse drew from underneath the bed a bottle of "incomparable blacking," and a couple of brushes; with great labor and skill polis.h.i.+ng his boots up to a wonderful degree of brilliancy. Having replaced his blacking implements under the bed and washed his hands, he devoted a few moments to boiling about three tea-spoonfuls of coffee, (as it was styled on the paper from which he took, and in which he had bought, it--whereas it was, in fact, _chiccory_.) Then he drew forth from his trunk a calico s.h.i.+rt, with linen wristbands and collar, which had been worn only twice--_i. e._ on the preceding two Sundays--since its last was.h.i.+ng--and put it on, taking great care not to rumple a very showy front, containing three rows of frills; in the middle one of which he stuck three "studs," connected together with two little gilt chains, looking exceedingly stylish--especially when coupled with a span-new satin stock, which he next buckled round his neck. Having put on his bright boots, (without, I am really sorry to say, any stockings,) he carefully insinuated his legs into a pair of white trousers, for the first time since their last was.h.i.+ng; and what with his short straps and high braces, they were so tight that you would have feared their bursting if he should have sat down hastily. I am almost afraid that I shall hardly be believed; but it is a fact, that the next thing he did was to attach a pair of spurs to his boots:--but, to be sure, it was not _impossible_ that he might intend to ride during the day. Then he put on a queer kind of under-waistcoat, which in fact was only a roll-collar of rather faded pea-green silk, and designed to set off a very fine flowered damson-colored silk waistcoat; over which he drew a ma.s.sive mosaic-gold chain, (to purchase which he had sold a serviceable silver watch,) which had been carefully wrapped up in cotton wool; from which soft depository, also, he drew HIS RING, (those must have been sharp eyes which could tell, at a distance, and in a hurry, that it was not diamond,) which he placed on the stumpy little finger of his red and thick right hand--and contemplated its sparkle with exquisite satisfaction. Having proceeded thus far with his toilet, he sat down to his breakfast, spreading upon his lap the s.h.i.+rt which he had taken off, to preserve his white trousers from spot or stain--his thoughts alternating between his late waking vision and his purposes for the day.

He had no b.u.t.ter, having used the last on the preceding morning; so he was fain to put up with dry bread--and very dry and teeth-trying it was, poor fellow--but his eye lit on his ring! Having swallowed two cups of his _quasi_-coffee, (eugh! such stuff!) he resumed his toilet, by drawing out of his other trunk his blue surtout, with embossed silk b.u.t.tons and velvet collar, and an outside pocket in the left breast.

Having smoothed down a few creases, he put it on:--then, before his little vulgar fraction of a looking-gla.s.s, he stood twitching about the collar, and sleeves, and front, so as to make them sit well; concluding with a careful elongation of the wristbands of his s.h.i.+rt, so as to show their whiteness gracefully beyond the cuff of his coat-sleeve--and he succeeded in producing a sort of white boundary line between the blue of his coat-sleeve and the red of his hand. At that useful member he could not help looking with a sigh, as he had often done before--for it was not a handsome hand. It was broad and red, and the fingers were thick and stumpy, with very coa.r.s.e deep wrinkles at every joint. His nails also were flat and shapeless; and he used to be continually gnawing them till he had succeeded in getting them down to the quick--and they were a sight to set one's teeth on edge. Then he extracted from the first-mentioned trunk a white pocket handkerchief--an exemplary one, that had gone through four Sundays' show, (not _use_, be it understood,) and yet was capable of exhibition again. A pair of sky-colored kid gloves next made their appearance: which, however, showed such barefaced marks of former service as rendered indispensable a ten minutes' rubbing with bread-crumbs. His Sunday hat, carefully covered with silver-paper, was next gently removed from its well-worn box--ah, how lightly and delicately did he pa.s.s his smoothing hand round its glossy surface!

Lastly, he took down a thin black cane, with a gilt head, and full brown ta.s.sel, from a peg behind the door--and his toilet was complete. Laying down his cane for a moment, he pa.s.sed his hands again through his hair, arranging it so as to fall nicely on each side beneath his hat, which he then placed upon his head, with an elegant inclination towards the left side. He was really not bad-looking, in spite of his sandy-colored hair.

His forehead, to be sure, was contracted, and his eyes were of a very light color, and a trifle too protuberant; but his mouth was rather well-formed, and being seldom closed, exhibited very beautiful teeth; and his nose was of that description which generally pa.s.ses for a Roman nose. His countenance wore generally a smile, and was expressive of--self-satisfaction: and surely any expression is better than none at all. As for there being the slightest trace of _intellect_ in it, I should be misleading the reader if I were to say anything of the sort.

In height, he was about five feet and a quarter of an inch, _in his boots_, and he was rather strongly set, with a little tendency to round shoulders:--but his limbs were pliant, and his motions nimble.

Here you have, then, Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse to the life--certainly no more than an average sample of his kind; but as he is to go through a considerable variety of situation and circ.u.mstance, I thought you would like to have him as distinctly before your mind's eye as it was in my power to present him.--Well--he put his hat on, as I have said; b.u.t.toned the lowest two b.u.t.tons of his surtout, and stuck his white pocket handkerchief into the outside pocket in front, as already mentioned, anxiously disposing it so as to let a little appear above the edge of the pocket, with a sort of careful carelessness--a graceful contrast to the blue; drew on his gloves; took his cane in his hand; drained the last sad remnant of infusion of chiccory in his coffee-cup; and, the sun s.h.i.+ning in the full splendor of a July noon, and promising a glorious day, forth sallied this poor fellow, an Oxford Street Adonis, going forth conquering and to conquer! Petty finery without, a pinched and stinted stomach within; a case of Back _versus_ Belly, (as the lawyers would have it,) the plaintiff winning in a canter! Forth sallied, I say, Mr. t.i.tmouse, as also, doubtless, sallied forth that day some five or six thousand similar personages, down the narrow, creaking, close staircase, which he had no sooner quitted than he heard exclaimed from an opposite window, "My eyes! _a'n't_ that a swell!" He felt how true the observation was, and that at that moment he was somewhat out of his element; so he hurried on, and soon reached that great broad disheartening street, apostrophized by the celebrated Opium-Eater,[1]

with bitter feeling, as--"Oxford Street!--stony-hearted stepmother! Thou that listenest to the sighs of orphans, and drinkest the tears of children!" Here, though his spirits were not just then very buoyant, our poor little dandy breathed more freely than when he was pa.s.sing through the wretched crowded court (Closet Court) which he had just quitted. He pa.s.sed and met hundreds who, like himself, seemed released for a precious day's interval from miserable confinement and slavery during the week; but there were not very many of them who could vie with him in elegance of appearance--and that was indeed a luxurious reflection! Who could do justice to the air with which he strutted along! He felt as happy, poor soul, in his little ostentation, as his Corinthian rival in tip-top turn-out, after twice as long, and as anxious, and fifty times as expensive, preparations for effective public display! Nay, _my_ poor swell was in some respects greatly the superior of such an one as I have alluded to. Mr. t.i.tmouse _did_, to a great degree, bedizen his back--but at the expense of his belly; whereas, the Corinthian exquisite, too often taking advantage of station and influence, recklessly both pampers his luxurious appet.i.te within, and decorates his person without, at the expense of innumerable heart-aching creditors. I do not mean, however, to claim any real merit for Mr. t.i.tmouse on this score, because I am not sure how he would act if he were to become possessed of his magnificent rival's means and opportunities for the perpetration of gentlemanly frauds on a splendid scale.--But we shall perhaps see by and by.

Mr. t.i.tmouse walked along with leisurely step; for haste and perspiration were vulgar, and he had the day before him. Observe, now, the careless glance of self-satisfaction with which he occasionally regards his bright boots, with their martial appendage, giving out a faint clinking sound as he heavily treads the broad flags; his spotless trousers, his tight surtout, and the tip of white handkerchief peeping _accidentally_ out in front! A pleasant sight it was to behold him in a chance rencontre with some one genteel enough to be recognized--as he stood, resting on his left leg; his left arm stuck upon his hip; his right leg easily bent outwards; his right hand lightly holding his ebon cane, with the gilt head of which he occasionally tapped his teeth; and his eyes, half closed, scrutinizing the face and figure of each "_pretty gal_" as she pa.s.sed, and to whom he had a delicious consciousness that he appeared an object of interest! This was indeed HAPPINESS, as far as his forlorn condition could admit of his enjoying happiness.--He had no particular object in view. A tiff over-night with two of his shopmates, had broken off a party which they had agreed the Sunday preceding in forming, to go that day to Greenwich; and this trifling circ.u.mstance had a little soured his temper, depressed as had been his spirits before. He resolved, on consideration, to walk straight on, and dine somewhere a little way out of town, by way of pa.s.sing the time till four o'clock, at which hour he intended to make his appearance in Hyde Park, "to see the swells and the fas.h.i.+ons," which was his favorite Sunday occupation.

His condition was, indeed, forlorn in the extreme. To say nothing of his _prospects_ in life--what was his present condition? A shopman with thirty-five pounds a-year, out of which he had to find his clothing, was.h.i.+ng, lodging, and all other incidental expenses--the chief item of his board--such as it was--being found him by his employers! He was five weeks in arrear to his landlady--a corpulent old termagant, whom nothing could have induced him to risk offending, but his overmastering love of finery; for I grieve to say, that this deficiency had been occasioned by his purchase of the ring he then wore with so much pride! How he had contrived to pacify her--lie upon lie he must have had recourse to--I know not. He was indebted also to his poor washerwoman in five or six s.h.i.+llings for at least a quarter's was.h.i.+ng; and owed five times that amount to a little old tailor, who, with huge spectacles on his nose, turned up to him, out of a little cupboard which he occupied in Closet Court, and which t.i.tmouse had to pa.s.s whenever he went to or from his lodgings, a lean, sallow, wrinkled face, imploring him to "settle his small account." All the cash in hand which he had to meet contingencies between that day and quarter-day, which was six weeks off, was about twenty-six s.h.i.+llings, of which he had taken one for the present day's expenses!

Revolving these somewhat disheartening matters in his mind, he pa.s.sed easily and leisurely along the whole length of Oxford Street. No one could have judged from his dressy appearance, the constant smirk on his face, and his confident air, how very miserable that poor little dandy was; but three-fourths of his misery were really occasioned by the impossibility he felt of his ever being able to indulge in his propensities for finery and display. Nothing better had he to occupy his few thoughts. He had had only a plain mercantile education, as it is called, _i. e._ reading, writing, and arithmetic; beyond an exceedingly moderate acquaintance with these, he knew nothing whatever; not having read anything except a few inferior novels, and plays, and sporting newspapers. Deplorable, however, as were his circ.u.mstances--

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast."

And probably, in common with most who are miserable from straitened circ.u.mstances, he often conceived, and secretly relied upon, the possibility of some unexpected and accidental change for the better. He had heard and read of extraordinary cases of LUCK. Why might he not be one of the LUCKY? A rich girl might fall in love with him--that was, poor fellow! in his consideration, one of the least unlikely ways of luck's advent; or some one might leave him money; or he might win a prize in the lottery;--all these, and other accidental modes of getting rich, frequently occurred to the well-regulated mind of Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse; but he never once thought of one thing, viz. of determined, unwearying industry, perseverance, and integrity in the way of his business, conducing to such a result!

Is his case a solitary one?--Dear reader, _you_ may be unlike poor t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse in every respect except _one_!

On he walked towards Bayswater; and finding that it was yet early, and considering that the farther he went from town the better prospect there would be of his being able, with little sacrifice of appearances, to get a dinner consistent with the means he carried about with him, viz. one s.h.i.+lling, he pursued his way a mile or two beyond Bayswater; and, sure enough, came at length upon a nice little public-house on the roadside, called the Square-toes Arms. Very tired, and very dusty, he first sat down in a small back room to rest himself; and took the opportunity to call for a clothes-brush and shoe-brush, to relieve his clothes and boots from the heavy dust upon them. Having thus attended to his outer man, as far as circ.u.mstances would permit, he bethought himself of his inner man, whose cravings he presently satisfied with a pretty substantial mutton-pie and a pint of porter. This fare, together with a penny (which he felt _forced_ to give) to the little girl who waited on him, cost him tenpence; and then, having somewhat refreshed himself, he began to think of returning to town. Having lit one of his two cigars, he sallied forth, puffing along with an air of quiet enjoyment. Dinner, however humble, seldom fails, especially when accompanied by a fair draught of tolerable porter, in some considerable degree to tranquillize the animal spirits; and that soothing effect began soon to be experienced by Mr. t.i.tmouse. The sedative _cause_ he erroneously considered to be the cigar he was smoking; whereas in fact the only tobacco he had imbibed was from the porter. But, however that might be, he certainly returned towards town in a calmer and more cheerful humor than that in which he had quitted it an hour or two before.

As he approached c.u.mberland Gate, it was about half-past five; and the Park might be said to be at its _acme_ of fas.h.i.+on, as far as that could be indicated by a sluggish stream of carriages, three and four abreast--coroneted panels in abundance--n.o.ble and well-known equestrians of both s.e.xes, in troops--and some hundreds of pedestrians of the same description. So continuous was the throng of carriages and hors.e.m.e.n, that t.i.tmouse did not find it the easiest matter in the world to dart across to the footpath in the inner circle. That, however, he presently safely accomplished, encountering no more serious mischance than the muttered "D--n your eyes!" of a haughty groom, between whom and his master Mr. t.i.tmouse had presumed to intervene. What a crowd of elegant women, many of them young and beautiful, (who but such, to be sure, would have become, or been allowed to become, pedestrians in the Park?) he encountered, as he slowly sauntered on, all of them obsequiously attended by brilliant beaux! Lords and ladies were here manifestly as plentiful as plebeians in Oxford Street. What an enchanted ground!--How delicious this soft crush and flutter of aristocracy! Poor t.i.tmouse felt at once an intense pleasure, and a withering consciousness of his utter insignificance. Many a sigh of dissatisfaction and envy escaped him; yet he stepped along with a tolerably a.s.sured air, looking everybody he met straight in the face, and occasionally twirling about his little cane with an air which seemed to say--"Whatever opinion _you_ may form of me, I have a very good opinion of myself." Indeed, was he not as much a man--an Englishman--as the best of them? What was the real difference between Count Do-'em-all and Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse? Only that the Count had dark hair and whiskers, and owed more money than Mr. t.i.tmouse's creditors could be persuaded to allow _him_ to owe! Would to Heaven--thought t.i.tmouse--that any _one_ tailor would patronize _him_ as half a dozen had patronized the Count! If pretty ladies of quality did not disdain a walking advertis.e.m.e.nt of a few first-rate tailors, like the Count, why should they turn up their noses at an a.s.sistant in an extensive wholesale and retail establishment in Oxford Street, conversant with the qualities and prices of the most beautiful articles of female attire? Yet alas, they _did_ so!---- He sighed heavily.

Leaning against the railing in a studied att.i.tude, and eying wistfully each gay and fas.h.i.+onable equipage, with its often lovely, and sometimes haughty enclosure, as it rolled slowly past him, Mr. t.i.tmouse became more and more convinced of a great practical truth, viz. that the only real distinction between mankind was that effected by money. Want of money alone had placed him in his present abject position. Abject indeed! By the great folk, who were pa.s.sing him on all sides, he felt, well-dressed as he believed himself to be, that he was no more noticed than as if he had been an ant, a blue-bottle fly, or a black beetle! He looked, and sighed--sighed, and looked--looked, and sighed again, in a kind of agony of vain longing. While his only day in the week for breathing fresh air, and appearing like a gentleman in the world, was rapidly drawing to a close, and he was beginning to think of returning to the dog-hole he had crawled out of in the morning, and to the shop for the rest of the week; the great, and gay, and happy folk he was looking at, were thinking of driving home to dress for their grand dinners, and to lay out every kind of fine amus.e.m.e.nt for the ensuing week: and that, moreover, was the sort of life they led every day in the week! He heaved a profound sigh. At that moment a superb cab, with a gentleman in it dressed in great elegance, and with very keen dark eyes, and striking nose and whiskers, came up with a cab of still more exquisite structure and appointments, and at which t.i.tmouse gazed with unutterable feelings of envy--in which sat a young man, evidently of consequence; very handsome, with splendid mustaches; perfectly well-dressed; holding the reins and whip gracefully in hands glistening in straw-colored kid gloves--and between the two gentlemen ensued the following low-toned colloquy, which it were to be wished that every such sighing simpleton (as t.i.tmouse must, I fear, by this time appear to the reader) could have overheard.

"Ah, Fitz!" said the former-mentioned gentleman to the latter, who suddenly reddened when he perceived who had addressed him. The manner of the speaker was execrably familiar and presumptuous--but how could the embarra.s.sed _swell_ help himself?--"When did you return to town?"

"Last night only"----

"Enjoyed yourself, I hope?"

"Pretty well--but--I--suppose you"----

"Sorry for it," interrupted the first speaker in a lower tone, perceiving the vexation of his companion; "but can't help it, you know."

"When?"

"To-morrow at nine. Monstrous sorry for it--'pon my soul, you really must look sharp, Fitz, or the thing won't go on much longer."

"Must it be, really?" inquired the other, biting his lips--at that moment kissing his hand to a very beautiful girl, who slowly pa.s.sed him in a coroneted chariot--"must it really be, Joe?" he repeated, turning towards his companion a pale and bitterly chagrined countenance.

"Poz, 'pon my life. Cage clean, however, and not very full--just at present"----

"Would not _Wednesday_!"--inquired the other, leaning forward towards the former speaker's cab, and whispering with an air of intense earnestness. "The fact is, I've engagements at C----'s on Monday and Tuesday nights with one or two country cousins, and I _may_ be in a condition--eh? you understand?"

His companion shook his head distrustfully.

"Upon my word and honor as a gentleman, it's the fact!" said the other, in a low vehement tone.

"Then--say Wednesday, nine o'clock, A. M. You understand? No mistake, Fitz!" replied his companion, looking him steadily in the face as he spoke.

"None--honor!"--After a pause--"Who is it?"

His companion took a slip of paper out of his pocket, and in a whisper read from it--"Cab, harness, &c., 297, 10s."

"A villain! It's been of only three years' standing," interrupted the other, in an indignant mutter.