Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Iii Part 36

The mistress of Kate's former school gladly relinquished a similar situation which she held in another part of the county, in order to return to her old one at Yatton; and Dr. Tatham was, in the first instance, to select the scholars, who were to be clothed at Delamere's expense, in the former neat and simple attire which had been adopted by Miss Aubrey. How he delighted to think of the charming surprise which he was thus preparing for his lovely mistress, and by which, at the same time, he was securing for her a permanent and interesting memento in the neighborhood!

About this time there came a general election; the nation being thoroughly disgusted with the character and conduct of a great number of those who had, in the direful hubbub of the last election, contrived to creep into the House of Commons. Public affairs were, moreover, getting daily into a more deranged and dangerous condition: in fact, the Ministers might have been compared to a parcel of little mischievous and venturesome boys, who had found their way into the vast and complicated machinery of some steam-engine, and set it into a fearful motion, which they could neither understand nor govern; and from which they were only too glad to escape safely--if possible--and make way for those whose proper business it was to attend to it. All I have to do, however, at present, with that most important political movement, is to state its effect upon the representation of the borough of Yatton. Its late member, Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse, it completely annihilated. Of course, he made no attempt to stand again; nor, in fact, did any one in the same interest. The _Yorks.h.i.+re Stingo_, in its very last number, (of which twelve only were sold,) tried desperately to get up a contest, but in vain. Mr. Going Gone--and even Mr. Glister--were quite willing to have stood--but, in the first place, neither of them could afford to pay his share of the expenses of erecting the hustings; and, secondly, there were insurmountable difficulties in the way of either of them procuring even a pseudo qualification.[21] Besides, the more sensible of even the strong Liberal electors had become alive to the exquisite absurdity of returning such persons as t.i.tmouse, or any one of his cla.s.s. Then the Quaint Club had ceased to exist, partly through the change of political feeling which was rapidly gaining ground in the borough, and partly through terror of the consequences of bribery, of which the miserable fate of Mudflint and Bloodsuck was a fearful instance. In fact, the disasters which had befallen those gentlemen, and Mr. t.i.tmouse, had completely paralyzed and crushed the Liberal party at Yatton, and disabled it from ever attempting to contend against the paramount and legitimate influence of Lord Drelincourt. The result of all this was, the return, without a contest, of the Honorable Geoffrey Lovel Delamere as the representative of the borough of Yatton in the new Parliament; an event, which he penned his first frank[22] in communicating to a certain young lady then in London. Nothing, doubtless, could be more delightful for Mr. Delamere; but in what a direful predicament did the loss of his seat place the late member, Mr. t.i.tmouse! Just consider for a moment.

Mr. Flummery's promise to him of a "place," had vanished, of course, into thin air--having answered its purpose of securing Mr. t.i.tmouse's vote up to the very moment of the dissolution; an event which Mr.

Flummery feared would tend to deprive himself of the honor of serving his country in any official capacity for some twenty years to come--if he should so long live, and the country so long survive his exclusion from office. Foiled thus miserably in this quarter, Mr. t.i.tmouse applied himself with redoubled energy to render available his other resources, and made repeated and most impa.s.sioned applications to Mr. O'Gibbet--who never took, however, the slightest notice of any of them: considering very justly that Mr. t.i.tmouse was no more ent.i.tled to receive back, than he had originally been to lend, the 500 in question. As for Mr.

O'Doodle and Mr. M'Squash they, like himself, were thrown out of Parliament; and no one upon earth seemed able to tell whither they had gone, or what had become of them, though there were a good many people who made it their business to inquire into the matter very anxiously.

That quarter, therefore, seemed at present quite hopeless. Then there was an Honorable youngster, who owed him a hundred pounds; but he, the moment that he had lost his election, caused it to be given out to any one interested in his welfare--and there suddenly appeared to be a great many such--that he was gone on a scientific expedition to the South Pole, from which he trusted, though he was not very sanguine, that he should, one day, come back.--All these things drove Mr. t.i.tmouse very nearly beside himself--and certainly his position was a little precarious. When Parliament was dissolved, he had in his pocket a couple of sovereigns, the residue of a five-pound note, out of which, _mirabile dictu_, he had actually succeeded in teasing Mr. Flummery on the evening of the last division; and these two sovereigns, a s.h.i.+rt or two, the articles actually on his person, and a copy of _Boxiana_, were all his a.s.sets to meet liabilities of about a hundred thousand pounds; and the panoply of Parliamentary "privilege" was dropping off, as it were, hourly. In a very few days' time, in fact, he would be at the mercy of a terrific host of creditors, who were waiting to spring upon his little carca.s.s like so many famished wolves. Every one of them had gone on with his action up to _judgment_ for both debt and costs--and had his _Ca.

Sa._ and _Fi. Fa._[23] ready for use at an instant's notice. There were three of these injured gentlemen--the three Jews, Israel Fang, Mordecai Gripe, and Mephibosheth Mahar-shalal-hash-baz--who had entered into a solemn vow with one another that they would never lose sight of t.i.tmouse for one moment, by day or by night, whatever pains or expense it might cost them--until, the period of privilege having expired, they should be at liberty to plunge their talons into the body of their little debtor.

There were, in fact, at least a hundred of his creditors ready to pounce upon him the instant that he should make the slightest attempt to quit the country. His lodgings consisted, at this time, of a miserable little room in a garret at the back of a small house in Westminster, not far from the Houses of Parliament, and of the two, inferior to the room in Closet Court, Oxford Street, in which he was first presented to the reader. Here he would often lie in bed half the day, drinking weak--because he could not afford strong--brandy and water, and endeavoring to consider "what the devil" he had done with the immense sums of money which had been at his disposal--how he would act, if by some lucky chance he should again become wealthy--and, in short, "what the plague was now to become of him." What was he to do? Whither should he go?--To sea?--Then it must be as a common sailor--if any one would now take him! Or suppose he were to enlist? "Glorious war, and all that," _et cetera_; but both these schemes pre-supposed his being able to escape from his creditors, who, he had a vehement suspicion, were on the look-out for him in all directions. Every review that he thus took of his hopeless position and prospects, ended in a fiendish degree of abhorrence of his parents, whose fault alone it was--in having brought him into the world--that he had been thus turned out of a splendid estate of ten thousand a-year, and made worse than a beggar. He would sometimes spring out of bed, convulsively clutching his hands together, and wis.h.i.+ng himself beside their grave, to tear them out of it. He thought of Mr. Quirk, Mr. Snap, and Mr. Tag-rag, with fury; but whenever he adverted to Mr. Gammon, he shuddered all over, as if in the presence of a baleful spectre. For all this, he preserved the same impudent strut and swagger in the street which had ever distinguished him. Every day of his life he walked towards the scenes of his recent splendor, which seemed to attract him irresistibly. He would pa.s.s the late Earl of Dreddlington's house, in Grosvenor Square, staring at it, and at the hatchment suspended in front of it. Then he would wander on to Park Lane, and gaze with unutterable feelings--poor little wretch!--at the house which once had been his and Lady Cecilia's, but was then occupied by a n.o.bleman, whose tasteful equipage and servants were often standing at and before the door. He would, on some of those occasions, feel as though he should like to drop down dead, and be out of all his misery.

If ever he met and nodded, or spoke to those with whom he had till recently been on the most familiar terms, he was encountered by a steady stare, and sometimes a smile, which withered his very heart within him, and made the last three years of his life appear to have been but a dream. The little dinner that he ate--for he had almost entirely lost his appet.i.te through long addiction to drinking--was at a small tavern, at only a few doors' distance from his lodgings, and where he generally spent his evenings, for want of any other place to go to; and he formed at length a sort of intimacy with a good-natured and very respectable gentleman, who came nearly as often thither as t.i.tmouse himself, and would sit conversing with him very pleasantly over his cigar and a gla.s.s of spirits and water. The oftener t.i.tmouse saw him, the more he liked him; and at length, taking him entirely into his confidence, unbosomed himself concerning his unhappy present circ.u.mstances, and still more unhappy prospects. This man was a brother of Mahar-shalal-hash-baz the Jew, and a sheriff's officer, keeping watch upon his movements, night and day, alternately with another who had not attracted t.i.tmouse's notice. After having canva.s.sed several modes of disposing of himself, none of which were satisfactory to either t.i.tmouse or his friend, he hinted that he was aware that there were lots of the enemy on the look-out for him, and who would be glad to get at him; but he knew, he said, that he was as safe as in a castle for some time yet to come; and he also mentioned a scheme which had occurred to him--but this was all in the strictest confidence--viz. to write to Lord Drelincourt, (who was, after all, his relation of some sort or other, and ought to be devilish glad to get into all his, t.i.tmouse's, property so easily,) and ask him for some situation under government, either in France, India, or America, and give him a trifle to set him up at starting, and help him to "nick the b.u.ms!" His friend listened attentively, and then protested that he thought it an excellent idea, and Mr. t.i.tmouse had better write the letter and take it at once. Upon this t.i.tmouse sent for pen, ink, and paper; and while his friend leaned back calmly smoking his cigar, and sipping his gin and water, poor t.i.tmouse wrote the following epistle to Lord Drelincourt--the very last which I shall be able to lay before the reader:--

"To the Right HON. LORD DRELINCOURT, My Lord--

"Natrally situated In The Way which I Am With y^r lords.h.i.+p Most Unpleasantly Addressing you On A Matter of that Nature most Painful To My feelings Considering My surprising Forlorn Condition, And So Sudden Which Who c^d Have A Little While Ago suppos'd. Y^r Lords.h.i.+p (of Course) Is Aware That There Is No fault of Mine, But rather My Cursed Parents w^h Ought To be Ashamed of Themselves For Their Improper Conduct w^h Was never made Acquainted with till Lately with Great Greif. Alas. I Only Wish I Had Never Been Born, or Was Dead and c.u.mfortable in An Erly Grave. I Humbly, My Lord, Endevoured To Do My Duty when In the Upper Circles and Especially to the People, which I Always voted for, _Steady_, in The House, And Never Injured Any One, Much less you, My Lord, if You Will Believe Me, For I surely w^d. Not Have Come Upon You In the Way I did My Lord But Was obliged, And Regret, &c. I Am Most Truly Miserable, Being (Betwixt You and Me, my Lord) over Head and Years in debt, And Have Nothing To pay With and out of _The House_ So Have No Protection and Fear am Going Very Fast To y^e. Dogs, my Lord, Swindle O'Gibbet, Esq. M.P. Owes me 500 (borrowed Money) and Will not Pay and is a Shocking Scamp, but (depend upon it) I will stick To Him Like a Leach. Of Course Now your Lords.h.i.+p Is Got into y^e Estate &c. you Will Have y^e Rents, &c., but Is Not _Half_ The _Last Quarter_ Mine Seeing I Was in possession w^h is 9-10ths of y^e law. But gave it All up To you willingly Now For what can't Be cur'd, Must Be Indur'd can y^r lords.h.i.+p Get me _Some Foreign_ Appointment _Abroad_ w^h sh^d be much obliged for and Would Get Me out of the Way of Troubling y^r lords.h.i.+p about the Rents w^h _freely give Up_. You Being Got To _that High Rank_ w^h was to Have Been mine can do What You please doubtless. Am Sorry To Say I am Most Uncommon Hard Up Since I Have Broke up. And am nearly Run Out. Consider my Lord How Easy I Let You Win y^e Property. When might Have Given Your Lords.h.i.+p Trouble. If you will Remember this And Be So obliging to _Lend me_ a 10 Note (For y^e Present) Will much oblige "Your Lords.h.i.+p's to Command, "Most obed^t "t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE.

"P.S.--I Leave This with my _Own Hand_ That you May be Sure and get it. Remember me to Miss A. and Lady D."

Mr. t.i.tmouse contented himself with telling his new friend merely the substance of the above epistle, and, having sealed it up, he asked his companion if he were disposed for a walk to the West End; and on being answered in the affirmative, they both set off for Lord Drelincourt's house in Dover Street. When they had reached it, his friend stepped to a little distance; while t.i.tmouse, endeavoring to a.s.sume a confident air, hemmed, twitched up his s.h.i.+rt-collar, and knocked and rang with all the boldness of a gentleman coming to dinner. Open flew the door in a moment; and--

"My Lord Drelincourt's--isn't it?" inquired t.i.tmouse, holding his letter in his hand, and tapping his ebony cane pretty loudly against his legs.

"Of course it is! What d'ye want?" quoth the porter, sternly, enraged at being disturbed at such an hour by such a puppy of a fellow as then stood before him--for the bloom was off the finery of t.i.tmouse; and who that knew the world would call, and with such a knock, at seven o'clock with a letter? t.i.tmouse would have answered the fellow pretty sharply, but was afraid of endangering the success of his application: so, with considerable calmness, he replied--

"Oh--Then have the goodness to deliver this into his Lords.h.i.+p's own hand--it's of great importance."

"Very well," said the porter, stiffly, not dreaming what a remarkable personage was the individual whom he was addressing, and the next instant shut the door in his face.

"Dem impudent blackguard!" said he, as he rejoined his friend--his heart almost bursting with mortification and fury; "I've a great mind to call to-morrow, 'pon my soul--and get him discharged!"

He had dated his letter from his lodgings, where, about ten o'clock on the ensuing morning, a gentleman--in fact, Lord Drelincourt's man of business--called, and asking to see Mr. t.i.tmouse, gave into his hands a letter, of which the following is a copy:--

"_Dover Street, Wednesday Morning._

"Lord Drelincourt, in answer to Mr. t.i.tmouse's letter, requests his acceptance of the enclosed Bank of England Note for Ten Pounds.

"Lord D. wishes Mr. t.i.tmouse to furnish him with an address, to which any further communications on the part of Lord D. may be addressed."

On repairing to the adjoining tavern, soon after receiving the above most welcome note, Mr. t.i.tmouse fortunately (!) fell in with his friend, and, with somewhat of an air of easy triumph, showed him Lord Drelincourt's note, and its enclosure. Some time afterwards, having smoked each a couple of cigars and drank a couple of tumblers of brandy and water, Mr. t.i.tmouse's companion got very confidential, and in a low whisper said, that he had been thinking over Mr. t.i.tmouse's case ever since they were talking together the night before; and for five pounds would put him in the way of escaping all danger immediately, provided no questions were asked by Mr. t.i.tmouse; for he, the speaker, was running a great risk in what he was doing. t.i.tmouse placed his hand over his heart, exclaiming, "Honor--honor!" and having called for change from the landlord, gave a five-pound note into the hand of his companion, who thereupon, in a mysterious undertone, told him that by ten o'clock the next morning he would have a hackney-coach at the door of his lodgings, and would at once convey him safely to a vessel then in the river, and bound for the south of France; where Mr. t.i.tmouse might remain till he had in some measure settled his affairs with his creditors. Sure enough, at the appointed time, the promised vehicle drew up at the door of the house where t.i.tmouse lodged; and within a few moments' time he came down-stairs with a small portmanteau, and entered the coach where sat his friend, evidently not wis.h.i.+ng to be recognized or seen by anybody pa.s.sing. They talked together earnestly and eagerly as they journeyed eastward; and just as they arrived opposite a huge dismal-looking building, with a large door, and immensely high walls, the coach stopped. Three or four persons were standing, as if they had been in expectation of an arrival; and, requesting Mr. t.i.tmouse to alight for a moment, his friend opened the coach door from within, and let down the steps. The moment that poor t.i.tmouse had got out, he was instantly surrounded, and seized by the collar by those who were standing by; his perfidious "friend" had disappeared; and almost petrified with amazement and fright, and taken quite off his guard by the suddenness of the movement, poor t.i.tmouse was hurried through the doorway of the King's Bench Prison, the three Jews following close at his heels, and conducted into a very gloomy room. There he seemed first to awake to the horrors of his situation, and went into a paroxysm of despair and fury. He sprang madly towards the door, and on being repulsed by those standing beside him, stamped violently about the room, shouting, "Murder, murder!

thieves!" Then he pulled his hair, shook his head with frantic vehemence, and presently sank into a seat, from which, after a few moments, he sprang wildly, and broke his cane into a number of pieces, scattering them about the room like a madman. Then he cried pa.s.sionately; more, in fact, like a frantic school-girl, than a man; and struck his head violently with his fists. All this while the three Jews were looking on with a grin of devilish gratification at the little wretch's agony. His frenzy lasted so long that he was removed to a strong room, and threatened with being put into a strait waistcoat if he continued to conduct himself so outrageously. The fact of his being thus safely housed, soon became known, and within a day or two's time, the miserable little fellow was completely overwhelmed by his creditors; who, absurd and unavailing as were their proceedings, came rus.h.i.+ng down upon him, one after another, with as breathless an impetuosity as if they had thought him a ma.s.s of solid gold, which was to become the spoil of him who could first seize it. The next day his fate was announced to the world by paragraphs in all the morning newspapers, which informed their readers that "yesterday Mr. t.i.tmouse, late M.P. for Yatton, was secured by a skilful stratagem, just as he was on the point of quitting this country for America, and lodged in the King's Bench Prison, at the suit of three creditors, to the extent of upwards of sixty thousand pounds. It is understood that his debts considerably exceed the sum of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds." As soon as he had become calm enough to do so--viz. three or four days after his incarceration--he wrote a long, dismal epistle to Lord Drelincourt, and also one to Miss Aubrey, pa.s.sionately reminding them both that he was, after all, of the same blood with themselves, only luck had gone for them and against him, and therefore he hoped they would "remember him, and do something to get him out of his trouble." He seemed to cling to them as though he had a claim upon them--instead of being himself Lord Drelincourt's debtor to the amount of, _at least_, twenty thousand pounds, had his Lords.h.i.+p, instead of inclining a compa.s.sionate ear to his entreaties, chosen to fling his heavy claim, too, into the scale against him. This, however, was a view of the case which never occurred to poor t.i.tmouse. Partly of their own accord, and partly at Miss Aubrey's earnest entreaty, Lord Drelincourt and Mr. Delamere went to the King's Bench Prison, and had a long interview with him--his Lords.h.i.+p being specially anxious to ascertain, if possible, whether t.i.tmouse had been originally privy to the monstrous fraud by means of which he had succeeded in possessing himself of Yatton, at so fearful a cost of suffering to those whom he had deprived of it. While he was chattering away, more after the fas.h.i.+on of a newly-caged ape, than a MAN, with eager and impa.s.sioned tone and gesticulation--with a profuse usage of his favorite phraseology--"'Pon my soul!" "'Pon my life!" "By Jove!" and of several shocking oaths, for which he was repeatedly and sternly rebuked by Lord Drelincourt, with what profound and melancholy interest did the latter regard the strange being before him, and think of the innumerable extraordinary things which he had heard concerning him! Here was the widowed husband of the Lady Cecilia, and son-in-law of the Earl of Dreddlington--that broken pillar of pride!--broken, alas! in the very moment of imaginary magnificence! Here was the late member of Parliament for the borough of Yatton, whose const.i.tuency had deliberately declared him possessed of their complete confidence!--on whose individual vote had several times depended the existence of the king's ministry, and the pa.s.sing of measures of the greatest possible magnitude! This was he whom all society--even the most brilliant--had courted as a great lion.--This was the sometime owner of Yatton! who had aspired to the hand of Miss Aubrey! who had for two years revelled in every conceivable species of luxury, splendor, and profligacy! Here was the individual at whose instance--at whose nod--Lord Drelincourt had been deprived of his liberty, ruthlessly torn from the bleeding bosom of his family, and he and they, for many, many weary months, subjected to the most hara.s.sing and heart-breaking privations and distresses! On quitting him, Lord Drelincourt put into his hand a ten-pound note, with which t.i.tmouse seemed--though he dared not say so--not a little disappointed. His Lords.h.i.+p and Mr. Delamere were inclined, upon the whole--for t.i.tmouse had displayed some little cunning--to believe that he had not been aware of his illegitimacy till the issue of the ecclesiastical proceedings had been published; but from many remarks he let fall, they were satisfied that Mr. Gammon must have known the fact from a very early period--for t.i.tmouse spoke freely of the constant mysterious threats he was in the habit of receiving from Mr. Gammon. Lord Drelincourt had promised t.i.tmouse to consider in what way he could serve him; and during the course of the day instructed Mr. Runnington to put the case into the hands of some attorney of the Insolvent Debtors' Court, with a view of endeavoring to obtain for the unfortunate little wretch the "_benefit of the Act_." As soon as the course of practice would admit of it, he was brought up in the ordinary way before the court, which was quite crowded by persons either interested as creditors, or curious to see so celebrated a person as t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE. The commissioners were astounded at the sight of the number and magnitude of his liabilities--a hundred thousand pounds at least!--against which he had nothing to set except the following items:--

Cash lent Swindle O'Gibbet, Esq. M. P 500 Do. do. Phelim O'Doodle 200 Do. do. Micah M'Squash 100

--together with some other similar but lesser sums; but for none of them could he produce any vouchers, except for the sum lent to the Hon. Empty Belly, who had been imprudent enough to give him his I. O. U. Poor t.i.tmouse's discharge was most vehemently opposed on the part of his creditors--particularly the three Jews--whose frantic and indecorous conduct in open court occasioned the chief commissioner to order them to be twice removed. _They_ would have had t.i.tmouse remanded to the day of his death! After several adjourned and lengthened hearings, the court p.r.o.nounced him not to be ent.i.tled to his discharge till he should have remained in prison for the s.p.a.ce of eighteen calendar months; on hearing which he burst into a fit of loud and bitter weeping, and was removed from court, wringing his hands and shaking his head in perfect despair.

As soon as this result had been communicated to Lord Drelincourt, (who had taken special care that his name should not be among those of Mr.

t.i.tmouse's creditors,) he came to the humane determination of allowing him a hundred and fifty pounds a-year for his life, _payable weekly_, to commence from the date of his being remanded to prison.--For the first month or so he spent all his weekly allowance in brandy and water and cigars, within three days after receiving it. Then he took to gambling with his fellow-prisoners; but, all of a sudden, he turned over quite a new leaf. The fact was, that he had become intimate with an unfortunate literary hack, who used to procure small sums by writing articles for inferior newspapers and magazines; and at his suggestion, t.i.tmouse fell to work upon several quires of foolscap: the following being the t.i.tle given to his projected work by his new friend--

"UPS and DOWNS: Being Memoirs of My Life, by t.i.tTLEBAT t.i.tMOUSE, Esq., Late M. P. for Yatton."

He got so far on with his task as to fill three quires of paper; and it is a fact that a fas.h.i.+onable publisher got scent of the undertaking, came to the prison, and offered him three hundred pounds for his ma.n.u.script, provided only he would undertake that it should fill three volumes. This greatly stimulated t.i.tmouse; but unfortunately he fell ill before he had completed the first volume, and never, during the remainder of his confinement, recovered himself sufficiently to proceed further with his labors. I once had an opportunity of glancing over what he had written, which was really very curious, but I do not know what has since become of it. During the last month of his imprisonment he became intimate with a villanous young Jew attorney, who, under the pretence of commencing proceedings in the House of Lords (!) for the recovering of the Yatton property once more from Lord Drelincourt, contrived to get into his own pockets more than one-half of the weekly sum allowed by that n.o.bleman to his grateful pensioner! On the very day of his discharge, t.i.tmouse--not comprehending the nature of his own position--went off straight to the lodgings of Mr. Swindle O'Gibbet to demand payment of the five hundred pounds due to him from that honorable gentleman, to whom he became a source of inconceivable vexation and torment. Following him about with a sort of insane and miserable pertinacity, t.i.tmouse lay in wait for him now at his lodgings--then at the door of the House of Commons; dogged him from the one point to the other; a.s.sailed him with pa.s.sionate entreaties and reproaches in the open street: went to the public meetings over which Mr. O'Gibbet presided, or where he spoke, (always on behalf of the rights of conscience and the liberty of the subject,) and would call out--"Pay me my five hundred pounds! I want my money! Where's my five hundred pounds?" on which Mr. O'Gibbet would point to him, call him an "impostor! a liar!" furiously adding that he was only hired by the enemies of the people to come and disturb their proceedings: whereupon (which was surely a new way of paying old debts) t.i.tmouse was always shuffled about--his hat knocked over his eyes--and he was finally kicked out, and once or twice pushed down from the top to the bottom of the stairs. The last time that this happened, poor t.i.tmouse's head struck with dreadful force against the banisters; and he lay for some time stunned and bleeding. On being carried to a doctor's shop, he was shortly afterwards seized with a fit of epilepsy. This seemed to have given the finis.h.i.+ng stroke to his shattered intellects; for he sank soon afterwards into a state of idiocy. Through the kindness and at the expense of Lord Drelincourt, he was admitted an inmate of a private lunatic asylum, in the Curtain Road, near Hoxton, where he still continues. He is very harmless; and after dressing himself in the morning with extraordinary pains--never failing to have a glimpse visible of his white pocket-handkerchief out of the pocket in the breast of his surtout--nor to have his boots very brightly polished--he generally sits down with a gla.s.s of strong and warm toast and water, and a colored straw, which he imagines to be brandy and water, and a cigar.

He complained, at first, that the brandy and water was very weak; but he is now reconciled to it, and sips his two tumblers daily with an air of tranquil enjoyment. When I last saw him he was thus occupied. On my approaching him, he hastily stuck his quizzing-gla.s.s into his eye, where it was retained by the force of muscular contraction, while he stared at me with all his former expression of rudeness and presumption. 'Twas at once a ridiculous and a mournful sight.

I should have been very glad, if, consistently with my duty as an impartial historian, I could have concealed some discreditable features in the conduct of Mr. Tag-rag, subsequently to his unfortunate bankruptcy. I shall not, however, dwell upon them at greater length than is necessary. His creditors were so much dissatisfied with his conduct, that not one of them could be prevailed upon to sign his certificate,[24] by which means he was prevented from re-establis.h.i.+ng himself in business, even had he been able to find the means of so doing; since, in the eye of our law, any business carried on by an uncertificated bankrupt, is so carried on by him only as a trustee for his creditors.--His temper getting more and more soured, he became at length quite intolerable to his wife, whom he had married only for her fortune, (800, and the good-will of her late husband's business, as a retail draper and hosier, in Little Turn-stile, Holborn.) When he found that Mrs. Tag-rag would not forsake her unhappy daughter, he snapped his fingers at her, and, I regret to say, told her that she and her daughter, and her respectable husband, might all go to the devil together--but he must s.h.i.+ft for himself; and, in plain English, he took himself off. Mr. Dismal Horror found that he had made a sad business of it, in marrying Miss Tag-rag, who brought him two children in the first nineteen months, and seemed likely to go on at that rate for a long time to come, which made Mr. Horror think very seriously of following the example of his excellent father-in-law--viz. deserting his wife. They had contrived to sc.r.a.pe together a bit of a day-school for young children, in Goswell Street; but which was inadequate to the support of themselves, and also of Mrs. Tag-rag, who had failed in obtaining the situation of pew-opener to a neighboring dissenting chapel. The scheme he had conceived, he soon afterwards carried into effect; for, whereas he went out one day saying he should return in an hour's time, he nevertheless came not back at all. Burning with zeal to display his pulpit talents, he took to street-preaching, and at length succeeded in getting around him a group of hearers, many of them most serious and attentive pickpockets, with dexterous fingers and devout faces, wherever he held forth, which was princ.i.p.ally in the neighborhood of the Tower and Smithfield--till he was driven away by the police, who never interfered with his little farce till he had sent his hat round; when, to preserve the peace, they would rush in, disperse the crowd, and taking him into custody, convey him to the police-office, where, in spite of his eloquent defences, he several times got sentenced to three months' imprisonment, as an incorrigible disturber of the peace, and in league with the questionable characters, who--the police declared--were invariably members of every congregation he addressed. One occasion of his being thus taken into custody was rather a singular one:--Mr.

Tag-rag happened to be pa.s.sing while he was holding forth, and, unable to control his fury, made his way immediately in front of the impa.s.sioned preacher; and, sticking his fists in his side a-kimbo, exclaimed, "_Aren't_ you a nice young man now?"--which quite disconcerted his pious son-in-law, who threw his hymn-book in his father-in-law's face, which bred such a disturbance that the police rushed in, and took them both off to the police-office; where such a scene ensued as beggars all description. What has since become of Mr.

Horror, I do not know; but the next thing I heard of Mr. Tag-rag was his entering into the employ of no other a person than Mr. Huckaback, who had been for some time settled in a little shop in the neighborhood of Leicester Square. Having, however, inadvertently shown in to Mr.

Huckaback one of the creditors to whom he had given special orders to be denied, that gentleman instantly turned him out of the shop, in a fury, without character or wages; which latter, nevertheless, Tag-rag soon compelled him, by the process of the Court of Bequests, to pay him; being one week's entire salary. In pa.s.sing one day a mock auction, on the left-hand side of the Poultry, I could not help pausing to admire the cool effrontery with which the Jew in the box was putting up showy but worthless articles to sale to four patient puffers--his entire audience--and who bid against one another in a very business-like way for everything which was thus proposed for their consideration. Guess my astonishment and concern, when one of the aforesaid puffers, who stood with his back towards me, happened to look round for a moment, to discover in him my friend Mr. Tag-rag!! His hat was nicely brushed, but all the "_nap_" was off; his coat was clean, threadbare, and evidently had been made for some other person; under his arm was an old cotton umbrella; and in his hands, which were clasped behind him, were a pair of antiquated black gloves, doubled up, only for show, evidently not for use. Notwithstanding, however, he had sunk thus low, there happened to him, some time afterwards, one or two surprising strokes of good fortune. First of all, he contrived to get a sum of three hundred pounds from one of his former debtors, who imagined that Tag-rag was authorized by his a.s.signees to receive it. Nothing, however, of the kind; and Tag-rag quietly opened a small shop in the neighborhood of St. George's in the East, and began to sc.r.a.pe together a tolerable business. Reading one day a flouris.h.i.+ng speech in Parliament, on the atrocious enormity of calling upon Dissenters to pay Church-rates--it occurred to Mr. Tag-rag as likely to turn out a good speculation, and greatly increase his business, if he were to become a martyr for conscience sake; and after turning the thing about a good deal in his mind, he determined on refusing to pay the sum of twopence-halfpenny, due in respect of a rate which had been recently made for the repair of the church steeple, then very nearly falling down. In a very civil and unctuous manner, he announced to the collector his determination to refuse the payment on strictly conscientious grounds. The collector expostulated--but in vain.

Then came the amazed churchwardens--Tag-rag, however, was inflexible.

The thing began to get wind, and the rector, an amiable and learned man--and an earnest lover of peace in his parish--came to try his powers of persuasion--but he might have saved himself the trouble; 'twas impossible to divert Mr. Tag-rag's eye from the glorious crown of martyrdom he had resolved upon earning. Then he called on the minister of the congregation where he "wors.h.i.+pped," and with tears and agitation unbosomed himself upon the subject, and besought his counsel. The intelligent and pious pastor got excited; so did his leading people. A meeting was called at his chapel, the result of which was a declaration that Mr. Tag-rag's conduct was most praiseworthy and n.o.ble--that he had taken his stand upon a great principle--and deserved to be supported.

Several leading members of the congregation, who had never dealt with him before, suddenly became customers of his. The upshot of the matter was, that after a prodigious stir, Mr. Tag-rag became a victim in right earnest; and was taken into custody by virtue of a writ _De Contumace Capiendo_, amid the indignant sympathy and admiration of all those enlightened persons who shared his opinions. In a twinkling he shot up, as it were, into the air like a rocket, and became popular, beyond his most sanguine expectations. The name of the first Church-rate martyr went the round of every paper in the United Kingdom; and at length came out a lithographed likeness of his odious face, with his precious autograph appended, so--

"THOMAS TAG-RAG, CHURCH-RATE MARTYR."

Subscriptions were entered into on his behalf; and as they were paid into his hands from time to time, he kept quietly increasing his purchases of linen-drapery and enlarging his business, in a most decisive and satisfactory manner. Nothing could exceed the accounts brought in to the poor martyr of the extent to which his custom was increasing; for in each window of his shop hung a copy of his portrait, attracting the eye of every pa.s.senger. But he was not the only person who rejoiced in this state of things; there being others who had a deep stake in his success, and whom--forgetful of the maxim that one should begin nothing till one has well considered the end of it--he had not at first adverted to, viz. HIS a.s.sIGNEES--to whom belonged, in point of law, the rattling business he was carrying on, and who were watching his movements with lively interest. He was suddenly struck dumb with dismay and astonishment when he heard of this unexpected issue of the affair, and began to fear that he had "missed his providential way." His a.s.signees, however, seemed to think that they had got into _theirs_--and enlarged the premises, and greatly increased the stock, profiting by the continually augmenting popularity of Tag-rag. From the moment of this dismal discovery, his ardor in the Great Cause wonderfully declined; and he would have jumped at any decent excuse for getting out of the thing altogether. And, indeed, when he came to think of it--where was the difficulty? He had fought a good fight--he had maintained a great principle--he had borne the heat and burden of the day!--But while the martyr was thus musing within himself, powerful forces were coming into the field to his succor--viz. the Society for the Promotion of Civil and Religious Discord; who having caused all the proceedings against Tag-rag to be laid before an ambitious little Radical Barrister, he discovered a fatal flaw in them--viz. that in the _Significavit_, the word "Bishop"

was spelled "_Bisop_," (_i.e._ without the "h.") The point was argued with prodigious pertinacity, and incredible ingenuity, by four counsel on each side; each party vehemently declaring that if he failed, the laws of England would be shaken to their very foundation: an intimation which not a little agitated the court. After great deliberation, however, the objection, "being in favor of liberty," was held to prevail; all the proceedings were quashed; and Mr. Tag-rag was consequently declared ent.i.tled to his discharge!--On this he was invited to a grand tea-party by the leading friends of the voluntary principle, given in Hackney Fields, where, amid a concourse of at least a hundred souls, (including women and children,) Tag-rag (inwardly shuddering, however, at the thought) avowed himself ready to go again to the stake, "if Providence should require it." That seemed not, however, likely to be the case; for the churchwardens, having already had to pay some 1,750 odd in the shape of costs, resolved never to meddle with him any more. He succeeded in prevailing on his a.s.signees to take him into the shop, in order to carry on the business upon their account, and as their servant--for which they allowed him two pounds a-week. Out of this, however, he was soon after compelled by the parish authorities to allow twelve s.h.i.+llings a-week to Mrs. Tag-rag; and on making her the first payment, he actually spit in the poor woman's face! Dr. Johnson used to say that _patriotism_ was the last refuge of a scoundrel. Now-a-days, however, it is _Church-rate Martyrdom_; and Tag-rag has had many imitators!

I must not, however, conclude this part of my long history, without adverting to what befell the surviving partners of Mr. Gammon, namely, Messrs. Quirk and Snap. The former had horrible misgivings as to the true cause of Mr. Gammon's death--having a strange inward persuasion that he had destroyed himself. When he heard of the event, very suddenly, from the laundress, he was seized with a fit of trembling which lasted for several days. He dared not attend the funeral--or go to Mr. Gammon's chambers, while his corpse lay there. Mr. Snap, however, had younger and firmer nerves; and resolved to gratify his natural and very delicate curiosity, by seeing "how Mr. Gammon looked in his coffin." The day after the enlightened coroner's inquest had been held, therefore, he went to the chambers for that purpose, and was shown by the sobbing laundress into the silent and gloomy bedroom where the remains of Mr. Gammon lay awaiting burial. The coffin lay on trestles near the window, which of course was darkened; and Mr. Snap, having taken off his hat, removed the coffin-lid and the face-cloth, and _there_ was the cold stern countenance of Mr. Gammon, before him! In spite of himself, Mr. Snap trembled as he looked, and for a moment doubted whether in gazing at the _yellow effigy of him that was_, he really beheld the late Mr. Gammon; so fixed, so rigid, were the features--so contracted of their proportions, and disfigured by the close-fitting frilled cap. What determination was yet visible in the compressed lips! The once keen and searching eyes of Mr. Gammon were now hid forever beneath the heavy and clammy eyelids; and the ample brow was no longer furrowed by the workings of the active and powerful spirit which had "jumped the world to come!" Mr. Snap gazed for several minutes in silence, and his heart beat a little quicker than usual.

"Oh, sir!" sobbed the laundress at length, as she, too, advanced to look again at the countenance of her deceased master, and from which she seldom took her eyes long together when alone--"he was the kindest and best of men! He was indeed!" Mr. Snap said nothing, but presently took hold of the cold, thin, stiff fingers of Mr. Gammon's right hand, squeezed them gently, and then replaced the hand in its former position.

"I hope he's happy, dear soul!" cried the laundress, gazing at him through her tears.

"Yes, of course he is--no doubt," replied Mr. Snap, in a somewhat lower tone of voice than he had spoken in before, and slowly returned to the sitting-room; whither the laundress followed him as soon as she had replaced the face-cloth and coffin-lid.

"Got a drop of brandy in the room, Mrs. Brown?" he inquired, and pa.s.sed his hand across his face, which had grown very pale.

She gave him what he asked for; he drank it, and sighed.

"Devilish ugly look that cap gives him--eh, Mrs. Brown? Hardly knew him."

"Ay, poor soul; but it don't much signify how the _face_ looks if the heart's all right. He was always so kind to me; I shall never get another master like him!"

"Died _very_ suddenly, Mrs. Brown; didn't he?"

"Ay, he did, sir! His troubles broke his heart!"

"He'd quite enough of them to do so!" replied Snap, significantly, and took his departure. He was one of the few who attended the funeral, and the day on which it took place was the gloomiest he had ever known.

Mr. Gammon being gone, old Mr. Quirk seemed to have quite lost the use of his head, and could attend to nothing. As for "the matters of the affidavits," which he had been ordered by the Court of King's Bench to answer, it was impossible to do so, except by acknowledging the facts they stated to be true; and he was, in the ensuing term, struck off the roll of attorneys, and ceased to be any longer a "gentleman, one of the attorneys of our lord the king, before the king himself." In short, he was completely broken up. He was quickly compelled to part with Alibi House--in fact, with all his property; and very narrowly escaped being thrown into a prison, there to end his days. During the last week of his stay at Alibi House, while all his effects were being sold, he was observed to sit down for hours together before a certain picture covered with black c.r.a.pe; and once or twice he lifted up the c.r.a.pe, and gazed with a horrid look at the object before him, as if he were meditating something very mysterious and dismal. Nothing, however, happened. If he had ever wished to hang himself, he never could succeed in s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g his courage up to the sticking-place. He prevailed on a friend to buy in, for him, that particular picture; and it was almost the only article that he took with him to the small lodgings to which he removed with his daughter, on the sale of Alibi House. As for poor Miss Quirk, I pity her from my very soul; for, though rather a weak girl, she was perfectly good-natured; and the reader will probably join in my indignation against Mr. Toady Hug, when he hears that that gentleman, on seeing the unfortunate turn which affairs took with Miss Quirk, owing to no fault of hers, at the very moment when he ought to have clung closest to the poor girl, deserted her, after having been engaged to be married to her ever since the period of her having been disappointed of the affections of Mr. t.i.tmouse. It was, however, the business of the firm of Quirk, Gammon, and Snap, that he had desired to marry; and finding that it no longer existed, he considered himself justified in rescinding the contract on the ground of a failure of consideration. Snap, hearing of this, instantly tendered his own "heart" in lieu of that of Mr. Hug--and was accepted. He kept this very quiet, however, till the fate of the action for a breach of promise of marriage, which he persuaded Miss Quirk to allow him to bring in her name against Mr. Hug, should have been decided--as it soon was; for I should have mentioned that no attempt had been made by any one to strike _Snap_ off the rolls. He retained a Mr. Heartbreak, a most eloquent counsel in such cases: and as Mr. Toady Hug defended himself in what he imagined to be a very splendid speech, the jury immediately found a verdict against him of five hundred pounds--a little fortune for Miss Quirk, if Hug could have paid it. But the fact was, that he could _not_; and after a long negotiation between Snap and him, it was settled that there should be a sort of secret partners.h.i.+p between them; and that Hug should work out the damages, by doing Mr. Snap's business for a quarter only of the proper fees--the full fee, however, for appearance's sake among his brethren, was to be marked on his brief. Shortly after this Snap got married, and took a little house in Saffron Hill, only two doors from the old office; and, as he had always anxiously cultivated the acquaintance of the leading thieves, he soon got into a very respectable connection. A year afterwards, Mrs. Snap made him the happy father of a quaint-looking little child; which, being a boy, his father, out of reverence for his deceased friend and partner, Mr. Gammon, caused to be christened by the name of "_Oily Snap_." Old Mr. Quirk lingered on for about a couple of years longer, most inconveniently to Snap, when he died of a broken heart; and as Snap a.s.sisted in depositing the revered remains of his father-in-law in St. Andrew's church-yard, he could not help thinking within himself what a _horrid_ thing it would be, were the old gentleman to get up again, and come back and establish himself for another couple of years, in their little back parlor!

Let us now, however, turn to characters worthier of our notice, of our sympathy, and our congratulation.

Two or three days after the a.s.sembling of the new Parliament, Lord Drelincourt was introduced by two of his brother barons, (one of whom was Lord De la Zouch,) with the usual formalities, into the House of Lords. As he stood at the table while being sworn in, tranquil and dignified, there was such an expression of n.o.ble simplicity and _goodness_ in his features--which had not even then, however, entirely lost the traces of the anxiety and suffering through which he had pa.s.sed during the last three years--as touched me to the very soul; and I fervently wished him health and long life to enjoy his new honors. He looked quite commanding in his ample ermine and scarlet robes; and having, with the pen which was tendered him, inscribed on the roll the name "DRELINCOURT"--(that of very nearly the most ancient barony in England)--and formally taken his seat on the barons' bench, and received the congratulations of his brother peers who came crowding around him--he stepped up to the woolsack, and grasped with silent energy the hand of the new Lord Chancellor, Lord Wolstenholme, who, composed and commanding in his appearance and bearing, and familiar with his position as if he had occupied it for more years than _days_, welcomed the newly-introduced peer with infinite warmth and cordiality. This was Sir Charles Wolstenholme, the Attorney-General of a few short months before, and he to whose masterly ability and unwavering friends.h.i.+p Lord Drelincourt was mainly, if not indeed altogether, indebted for the position which he then occupied. They sat talking together for some time; and the Chancellor happening to mention the ludicrous and yet intolerable pressure to which he was subject for everything he had to give away--particularly in the _livings_ which fell to his disposal--instanced a small one in Devons.h.i.+re of four hundred a-year, of which he had had notice only two hours before coming to the House, since which time he had had upwards of a dozen applications for it from so many peers then present! "Now, as a small _memento_ of to-day, Drelincourt," said he, with a smile, "can you give me the name of any man who wants, and in your judgment would suit, such a living?"

"Oh, my dear Lord Chancellor!" replied Lord Drelincourt, with eager delight, "I know a man--a very able, exemplary, _starving_ friend of mine, Mr. Neville--the Rev. Ralph Neville. He will do honor to your choice!"

"'Tis his!" replied the Chancellor; "give me his name and address--he shall have it offered him this very evening, if he live in town."

Lord Drelincourt, overjoyed, wrote down Mr. Neville's name and address, and gave it to the Chancellor; and having reminded him that their dinner hour was seven precisely, (the Chancellor had been for some time engaged to dinner with him on that day,) Lord Drelincourt somewhat hastily quitted the House, resolved to be himself the first bearer to poor Mr.

Neville of the delightful intelligence of his promotion. His carriage, with Lady Drelincourt and Miss Aubrey in it, had been standing for some time near the House, awaiting his return, in order to drive once or twice round the Park before dinner; but you may guess the kind of transport with which they heard him give directions for their being driven to St. George's in the East, and the object of his errand. When Lord Drelincourt's equipage--simple and elegant, and with the coronet painted on the panels so small as not to _challenge_ the observation of every pa.s.senger--drew up opposite the humble lodgings of Mr. Neville, he and his little sick wife were sitting at tea, for which purpose he had a few minutes before propped her up upon the sofa, on which she was obliged to recline during the greater part of each day. Prettily fl.u.s.tered were both of them on seeing the carriage roll up, the steps let down, and hearing Lord Drelincourt, followed quickly by Lady Drelincourt and Miss Aubrey, (it was the first time that they had seen the former two except as Mr. and Mrs. Aubrey,) knock at the door. Oh, how sweet was the office of communicating such news as that which they had brought to Mr. and Mrs. Neville! He, on hearing it, turned immediately, and as it were instinctively, to his pale suffering wife, with full eye and quivering lip--and she returned the look he gave her!

Well he knew that the true source of her frail health was their privation and miserably straitened circ.u.mstances, and that the intelligence which they had just received, would, as it were, pour into the broken heart the oil of gladness and of health. There was not the slightest change in the deportment of his distinguished visitors; but his own was, in spite of all he could do to the contrary, consciously subdued, and a little embarra.s.sed. What thankfulness was in his heart!

How was the great, barren, frowning world around him, turned into a smiling paradise! No longer would they be unable to supply their few and modest wants! No longer deny themselves the innocent enjoyments of life, and cheerful intercourse with society! Soon would he be in the independent exercise of the delightful duties of the pastoral office!