Ten Thousand a-Year Volume I Part 23

An inconceivably strange and horrid figure he looked. He had all his day clothes on; a white cotton nightcap was drawn down to his very eyes, like a man going to be hanged; his face was very pale, and his whiskers were of a bright green color.

"Lard a-mighty!" exclaimed Mrs. Squallop, faintly, the moment that this strange apparition had presented itself; and sinking on the chair, she pointed with a dismayed air to the ominous-looking object standing on the window shelf. t.i.tmouse thence inferred that she had found out the true state of the case. "Well--_isn't_ it an infernal shame, Mrs.

Squallop?" said he, getting off the bed; and, plucking off his nightcap, he exhibited the full extent of his misfortune. "What d'ye think of _that_!" he exclaimed, staring wildly at her. Mrs. Squallop gave a faint shriek, turned her head aside, and motioned him away.

"I shall go mad--I SHALL!" cried t.i.tmouse, tearing his green hair.

"Oh Lord!--oh Lord!" groaned Mrs. Squallop, evidently expecting him to leap upon her. Presently, however, she a little recovered her presence of mind; and t.i.tmouse, stuttering with fury, explained to her what had taken place. As he went on, Mrs. Squallop became less and less able to control herself, and at length burst into a fit of convulsive laughter, and sat holding her hands to her fat shaking sides, and appearing likely to tumble off her chair. t.i.tmouse was almost on the point of striking her! At length, however, the fit went off; and wiping her eyes, she expressed the greatest commiseration for him, and proposed to go down and fetch up some soft soap and flannel, and try what "a good hearty wash would do." Scarce sooner said than done--but, alas, in vain! Scrub, scrub--lather, lather, did they both; but, the instant that the soap-suds had been washed off, there was the head as green as ever!

"Oh, murder, murder! what _am_ I to do, Mrs. Squallop?" groaned t.i.tmouse, having taken another look at himself in the gla.s.s.

"Why--really I'd be off to a police-office, and have 'em all taken up, if as how I was _you!_" quoth Mrs. Squallop.

"No--See if I don't take that bottle, and make the fellow that sold it me swallow what's left--and I'll smash in his shop front besides!"

"Oh, you won't--you mustn't--not on no account! Stop at home a bit, and be quiet; it may go off with all this was.h.i.+ng, in the course of the day.

Soft soap is an uncommon strong thing for getting colors out--but--a--a--excuse me now, Mr. t.i.tmouse"--said Mrs. Squallop, seriously--"why wasn't you satisfied with the hair G.o.d Almighty had given you? D' ye think He didn't know a deal better than you what was best for you? I'm blest if I don't think this is a judgment on you, when one comes to consider!"

"What's the use of your standing preaching to me in this way, Mrs.

Squallop?" said t.i.tmouse, first with amazement, and then with fury in his manner--"A'n't I half mad without it? Judgment or no judgment--where's the harm of my wanting black hair any more than black trousers? That a'n't _your own_ hair, Mrs. Squallop--you're as gray as a badger underneath--'pon my soul! I've often remarked it--I _have_, 'pon my soul!"

"I'll tell you what, Mr. Himperance!" furiously exclaimed Mrs. Squallop, "you're a liar! And you deserve what you've got! It _is_ a judgment, and I hope it will stick by you--so take _that_ for your sauce, you vulgar fellow!" (snapping her fingers at him.) "Get rid of your green hair if you can! It's only carrot _tops_ instead of carrot _roots_--and some likes one, some the other--ha! ha! ha!"

"I'll tell you what, Mrs. Squ"---- he commenced, but she had gone, having slammed to the door behind her with all her force; and t.i.tmouse was left alone in a half frantic state, in which he continued for nearly two hours. Once again he read over the atrocious puffs which had over-night inflated him to such a degree, and he now saw that they were all lies. This is a sample of them:

"This divine fluid (as it was enthusiastically styled to the inventor, by the lovely d.u.c.h.ess of Dunderwhistle) possesses the inestimable and astonis.h.i.+ng quality of changing hair, of whatever color, to a dazzling jet-black; at the same time imparting to it a rich glossy appearance, which wonderfully contributes to the imposing _tout-ensemble_ presented by those who use it. That well-known ornament of the circle of fas.h.i.+on, the young and lovely Mrs. Fitzfrippery, owned to the proprietor that to this surprising fluid it was that she was indebted for those unrivalled raven ringlets which attracted the eyes of envying and admiring crowds,"

and so forth.

A little farther on:--

"This exquisite effect is not _in all cases_ produced instantaneously; much will of course depend (as the celebrated M.

Dupuytren, of the Hotel Dieu, at Paris, informed the inventor) on the physical idiosyncrasy of the party using it, with reference to the const.i.tuent particles of the coloring matter const.i.tuting the fluid in the capillary vessels. Often a single application suffices to change the most hopeless-looking head of red hair to as deep a black; but, not unfrequently, the hair _pa.s.ses through intermediate shades and tints_--all, however, ultimately settling into a deep and permanent black."

This pa.s.sage not a little revived the drooping spirits of t.i.tmouse.

Accidentally, however, an asterisk at the last word in the above sentence, directed his eye to a note at the bottom of the page, printed in such minute type as would have baffled any but the strongest sight and most determined eye to read, and which said note was the following:--

"Though cases _do_, undoubtedly, occasionally occur, in which the native inherent indestructible qualities of the hair defy all attempts at change or even modification, and resist even _this_ potent remedy: of which, however, in all his experience" (the wonderful specific has been invented for about _six months_) "the inventor has known but very few instances."

But to this exceedingly select cla.s.s of unfortunate incurables, poor t.i.tmouse, alas! entertained a dismal suspicion that _he_ belonged.

"Look, sir! Look! Only look here what your cussed stuff has done to my hair!" said t.i.tmouse, on presenting himself soon after to the gentleman who had sold him the infernal liquid; and, taking off his hat, exposed his green hair. The gentleman, however, did not appear at all surprised, or discomposed.

"Ah--yes! I see--I see. You're in the intermediate stage. It differs in different people"----

"Differs, sir! I'm going mad! I look like a green monkey--Cuss me if I don't!"

"In _me_, now," replied the gentleman, with a matter-of-fact air, "the color was a strong _yellow_. But have you read the explanations that are given in the wrapper?"

"Read 'em?" echoed t.i.tmouse, furiously--"I should think so? Much good they do _me_! Sir, you're a humbug!--an impostor! I'm a sight to be seen for the rest of my life! Look at me, sir! Eyebrows, whiskers, and all!"

"_Rather_ a singular appearance, just at present, I must own," said the gentleman, his face turning suddenly red all over with the violent effort he was making to prevent an explosion of laughter. He soon, however, recovered himself, and added coolly--"If you'll only persevere"----

"Persevere be d----d!" interrupted t.i.tmouse, violently clapping his hat on his head, "I'll teach you to _persevere_ in taking in the public!

I'll have a warrant out against you in no time!"

"Oh, my dear sir, I'm accustomed to all this!" said the gentleman, coolly.

"The--devil--you--are!" gasped t.i.tmouse, quite aghast.

"Oh, often--often, while the liquid is performing the first stage of the change; but, in a day or two afterwards, the parties generally come back smiling into my shop, with heads as black as crows!"

"No! But really--do they, sir?" interrupted t.i.tmouse, drawing a long breath.

"Hundreds, I may say thousands, my dear sir! And one lady gave me a picture of herself, in her black hair, to make up for her abuse of me when it was in a puce color--Fact, honor!"

"But do you recollect any one's hair turning _green_, and then getting black?" inquired t.i.tmouse, with trembling anxiety.

"Recollect any? Fifty at least. For instance, there was Lord Albert Addlehead--but why should I mention names? I know hundreds! But everything is honor and confidential _here_!"

"And did Lord what's-his-name's hair grow green, and then black; and was it at first as light as mine?"

"His hair was redder, and in consequence it became greener, and now is blacker than ever yours will be."

"Well, if I and my landlady have this morning used an ounce, we've used a quarter of a pound of soft soap in"----

"Soft soap!--soft soap!" cried out the gentleman, with an air of sudden alarm--"That explains all," (he forgot how well it had been already explained by him.) "By Heavens, sir!--soft soap! You may have ruined your hair forever!" t.i.tmouse opened his eyes and mouth with a start of terror, it not occurring to his astute mind that the intolerable green had preceded, not followed, the use of the soft soap. "Go home, my dear sir! G.o.d bless you--go home, as you value your hair; take this small bottle of DAMASCUS CREAM, and rub it in before it's too late; and then use the remainder of the"----

"Then you don't think it's already too late?" inquired t.i.tmouse, faintly; and, having been a.s.sured to the contrary--having asked the price of the Damascus cream, which was "_only_ three-and-sixpence,"

(stamp included)--he purchased and paid for it with a rueful air, and took his departure. He sneaked homeward along the streets with the air of a pickpocket, fearful that every one he met was an officer who had his eye on him. He was not, in fact, very far off the mark; for many a person smiled, and stared, and turned round to look at him as he went along.

CHAPTER VI.

t.i.tmouse slunk up-stairs to his room in a sad state of depression, and spent the next hour in rubbing into his hair the Damascus cream. He rubbed till he could hardly hold his arms up any longer, from sheer fatigue. Having risen at length to mark, from the gla.s.s, the progress he had made, he found that the only result of his persevering exertions had been to give a greasy s.h.i.+ning appearance to the hair, which remained green as ever. With a half-uttered groan he sank down upon a chair, and fell into a sort of abstraction, which was interrupted by a sharp knock at his door. t.i.tmouse started up, trembled, and stood for a moment or two irresolute, glancing fearfully at the gla.s.s; and then, opening the door, let in--Mr. Gammon, who started back a pace or two, as if he had been shot, on catching sight of the strange figure of t.i.tmouse. It was useless for Gammon to try to check his laughter; so, leaning against the door-post, he yielded to the impulse, and laughed without intermission for nearly a couple of minutes. t.i.tmouse felt desperately angry, but feared to show it; and the timid, rueful, lackadaisical air with which he regarded the dreaded Mr. Gammon, only prolonged and aggravated the agonies of that gentleman. When at length he had a little recovered himself, holding his left hand to his side, with an exhausted air, he entered the little apartment, and asked t.i.tmouse what in the name of heaven he had been doing to himself: "_Without this_" (in the absurd slang of the lawyers) that he suspected most vehemently, all the while, what t.i.tmouse had been about; but he wished to hear t.i.tmouse's own account of the matter!--t.i.tmouse, not daring to hesitate, complied--Gammon listening in an agony of suppressed laughter. He looked as little at t.i.tmouse as he could, and was growing a trifle more sedate, when t.i.tmouse, in a truly lamentable tone, inquired, "What's the good, Mr. Gammon, of ten thousand a-year with such a horrid head of hair as this?" On hearing which Gammon jumped off his chair, started to the window, and laughed for one or two minutes without ceasing. This was too much for t.i.tmouse, who presently cried aloud in a lamentable manner; and Gammon, suddenly ceasing his laughter, turned round and apologized in the most earnest manner; after which he uttered an abundance of sympathy for the sufferings which "he deplored being unable to alleviate." He even restrained himself when t.i.tmouse again and again asked if he could not "have the law" of the man who had so imposed on him. Gammon diverted the thoughts of his suffering client, by taking from his pocket some very imposing packages of paper, tied round with red tape. From time to time, however, he almost split his nose with efforts to restrain his laughter, on catching a fresh glimpse of poor t.i.tmouse's emerald hair.

Mr. Gammon was a man of business, however; and in the midst of all this distracting excitement, contrived to get t.i.tmouse's signature to sundry papers of no little consequence; among others, first, to a bond conditioned for the payment of 500; secondly, another for 10,000;--both to Caleb Quirk, gentleman; and lastly, an agreement (of which he gave t.i.tmouse _an alleged_ copy) by which t.i.tmouse, in consideration of Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap using their best exertions to put him in possession of the estate, &c. &c., bound himself to conform to their wishes in everything, on pain of their instantly throwing up the whole affair, looking out for another heir at law (!) and issuing execution forthwith against t.i.tmouse for all expenses incurred under his retainer. I said that Gammon gave his confiding client an _alleged_ copy of this agreement;--it was not a real copy, for certain stipulations appeared in each, which were not intended to appear _in_ the other, for reasons which were perfectly satisfactory to--Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap. When Gammon had got to this point, he thought it the fitting opportunity for producing a second five-pound note. He did so, and put t.i.tmouse thereby into an ecstasy, which pushed out of his head for a while all recollection of what had happened to the outside of it. He had at that moment nearly eleven pounds in hard cash.

Gammon easily obtained from him an account of his little money transactions with Huckaback--of which, however, all he could tell was--that for ten s.h.i.+llings down, he had given a written engagement to pay fifty pounds on getting the estate. Of this Gammon made a careful memorandum, explaining to t.i.tmouse the atrocious villany of Huckaback--and, in short, that if he (t.i.tmouse) did not look very sharply about him, he would be robbed right and left; so that it was of the utmost consequence to him early to learn how to distinguish between false and true friends. Gammon went on to a.s.sure him that the instrument which he had given to Huckaback, was probably, in point of law, not worth a farthing, on the ground of its being both fraudulent and usurious; and intimated something, which t.i.tmouse did not very distinctly comprehend, about the efficacy of a bill in equity for a _discovery_; which--merely to expose villany--at a very insignificant expense, (not exceeding 100,) would enable the plaintiff in equity to put the defendant in equity, (_i. e._ Huckaback,) in the way of declaring, on his solemn oath, that he had advanced the full sum of 50; and having obtained this important and satisfactory result, t.i.tmouse would have the opportunity of disproving the statement of Huckaback--_if he could_: which of course he could not. By this process, however, a little profitable employment would have been afforded to a certain distinguished firm in Saffron Hill--and that was _something_--to Gammon.

"But, by the way, talking of money," said t.i.tmouse, suddenly, "you can't think how surprising handsome Mr. Tag-rag has behaved to me!"

"Indeed, my dear sir!" exclaimed Gammon, with real curiosity, "what has he done?"

"Advanced to me five pounds--all of his own head!"

"Are you serious, Mr. t.i.tmouse?" inquired Gammon.

t.i.tmouse produced the change which he had obtained for Tag-rag's five-pound note, minus only the prices of the Cyanochaitanthropopoion, the Damascus cream, and the eyegla.s.s. Gammon merely stroked his chin in a thoughtful manner. So occupied, indeed, was he with his reflections, that though his eye was fixed on the ludicrous figure of t.i.tmouse, which so shortly before had occasioned him such paroxysms of laughter, he did not feel the least inclination even to a smile. Tag-rag advance t.i.tmouse five pounds! A-hem!--Throwing as much smiling indifference into his manner as was possible, he asked t.i.tmouse the particulars of so strange a transaction. t.i.tmouse answered (how truly the reader can judge) that Mr. Tag-rag had, in the very handsomest way, volunteered the loan of five pounds; and moreover offered him any further sum he might require!