Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Ii Part 23

"All very well, indeed, sir; and constantly talking of you, sir,"

replied Tag-rag, with an earnestness amounting to intensity.

"Ah--well! My compliments--" here he drew on his second glove, and moved towards his cab, Tag-rag accompanying him--"glad they're well. If ever I'm driving that way--good-day!" In popped t.i.tmouse--up jumped his tiger behind--crack went his whip--and away darted the horse and splendid vehicle--Tag-rag following it with an admiring and anxious eye.

As Mr. t.i.tmouse sat in his cab, on his way to the Park, dressed in the extreme of the mode; his glossy hat perched sideways on his bushy, well-oiled, but somewhat mottled hair; his surtout lined with velvet; his full satin stock, spangled with inwrought gold flowers, and ornamented with two splendid pins, connected together with delicate double gold chains; his s.h.i.+rt-collar turned down over his stock; his chased gold eyegla.s.s stuck in his right eye; the stiff wristbands of his s.h.i.+rt turned back over his coat-cuffs; and his red hands concealed in snowy kid gloves, holding his whip and reins with graceful ease: when he considered the exquisite figure he must thus present to the eye of all beholders, and gave them credit for gazing at him with the same sort of feelings which similar sights had, but a few months before, excited in _his_ despairing breast, his little cup of happiness was full, and even br.i.m.m.i.n.g over. This, though I doubt whether it was a just reflection, was still a very natural one; for he knew what his own feelings were, though not how weak and absurd they were; and of course judged of others by himself. If the Marquis of Whigborough, with his 200,000 a-year, and 5,000 independent voters at his command, had been on his way down to the House, absorbed with anxiety as to the effect of the final threat he was going to make to the Minister, that, unless he had a few strawberry leaves promised him, he should feel it his duty to record his vote against the great BILL for "_Giving Everybody Everything_," which stood for a third reading that evening; or the great Duke of ----, a glance of whose eye, or a wave of whose hand, was sufficient to have lit up an European war, and who might at that moment have been balancing in his mind the fate of millions of mankind, as depending upon his _fiat_ for peace or war:--I say, that if both, or either of these personages, had pa.s.sed or met Mr. t.i.tmouse, in their cabs, (which they were mechanically urging onward, so absorbed the while with their own thoughts, that they scarce knew whether they were in a cab or a handbarrow, in which latter, had it been before their gates, either of them might, in his abstraction, have seated himself;) t.i.tmouse's superior acquaintance with human nature a.s.sured him, that the sight of his tip-top turn-out, could not fail of attracting their attention, and nettling their pride.

Whether Milton, if cast on a desolate island, but with the means of writing _Paradise Lost_, would have done so, had he been certain that no human eye would ever peruse a line of it; or whether Mr. t.i.tmouse, had he been suddenly deposited in his splendid cab, in the midst of the desert of Sahara, with not one of his species to fix an envying eye upon him, would nevertheless have experienced a great measure of satisfaction, I am not prepared to say. As, however, every condition of life has its mixture of good and evil, so, if t.i.tmouse had been placed in the midst of the aforesaid desert at the time when he was last before the reader, instead of das.h.i.+ng along Oxford Street, he would have escaped certain difficulties and dangers which he presently encountered.

Had an ape, not acquainted with the science of driving, been put into t.i.tmouse's place, he would probably have driven much in the same style, though he would have had greatly the advantage over his rival in respect of his simple and natural appearance; being, to the eye of correct taste, "when unadorned, adorned the most." Mr. t.i.tmouse, in spite of the a.s.sistance to his sight which he derived from his _neutral_[21] gla.s.s, was continually coming into collision with the vehicles which met and pa.s.sed him, on his way to c.u.mberland Gate. He got into no fewer than four distinct _rows_ (to say nothing of the flying curses which he received in pa.s.sing) between the point which I have named, and Mr.

Tag-rag's premises. But as he was by no means dest.i.tute of spirit, he sat in his cab, on these four occasions, cursing and blaspheming like a little fiend; till he almost brought tears of vexation into the eyes of one or two of his opponents, (cads, cab-drivers, watermen, hackney-coachmen, carters, stage-coachmen, market-gardeners, and draymen,) who unexpectedly found their own weapon--_i. e.

slang_--wielded with such superior power and effect, for once in a way, by a swell--an aristocrat. The more manly of his opponents were filled with secret respect for the possessor of such unsuspected powers. Still it was unpleasant for a person of Mr. t.i.tmouse's distinction to be engaged in these conflicts; and he would have given the world to have conquered his conceit so far as to summon his little tiger within, and surrender to him the reins. Such a ridiculous confession of his own incapacity, however, he could not think of, and he got into several little disturbances in the Park; after which he drove home: the battered cab had to be taken to the maker's, where the injuries it had sustained were repaired, however, for the trifling sum of forty pounds.

The position obtained for t.i.tmouse by the masterly genius of Mr.

Bladdery Pip, was secured and strengthened by much more substantial claims upon the respect of society than those derived from literary genius. Rumor is a dame always looking at objects through very strong magnifying-gla.s.ses; and who, guided by what she saw, soon gave out that t.i.tmouse was patron of three boroughs; had a clear rent-roll of thirty thousand a-year; and had already received nearly a hundred thousand pounds in hard cash from the previous proprietor of his estates, as a compensation for the back rents, which that usurper had been for so many years in the receipt of. Then he was--in truth and fact--very near in succession to the ancient and distinguished Barony of Drelincourt, and the extensive estates thereto annexed. He was young; by no means ill-looking; and was--unmarried. Under the mask of _navete_ and eccentricity, it was believed that he concealed great natural acuteness, for the purpose of ascertaining who were his real and who only his pretended friends and well-wishers, and that his n.o.ble relatives had given in to his little scheme, for the purpose of aiding him in the important discovery upon which he was bent. Infinite effect was thus given to the earl's introductions. Wherever t.i.tmouse went, he found new and delightful acquaintances; and invitations to dinners, b.a.l.l.s, routs, soirees, came showering daily into his rooms at the Albany, where also were left innumerable cards, bearing names of very high fas.h.i.+on. All who had daughters or sisters in the market, paid eager and persevering court to Mr. t.i.tmouse, and still more so to the Earl of Dreddlington and Lady Cecilia, his august _sponsors_; so that--such being the will of that merry jade Fortune--they who had once regarded him as an object only of shuddering disgust and ineffable contempt, and had been disposed to order their servants to show him out again into the streets, were now, in a manner, _magnified and made honorable_ by means of their connection with him; or rather, society, through his means, had become suddenly sensible of the commanding qualities and pretensions of the Earl of Dreddlington and the Lady Cecilia. In the ball-room--at Almack's even--how many young men, handsome, accomplished, and of the highest personal consequence and rank, applied in vain for the hand of haughty beauty, which Mr. t.i.tmouse had only to ask for, and obtain! Whose was the opera-box into which he might not drop as a welcome visitor, and be seen lounging in envied familiarity with its fair and brilliant inmates?

Were there not mothers of high fas.h.i.+on, of stately pride, of sounding rank, who would have humbled themselves before t.i.tmouse, if thereby he could have been brought a suitor to the feet of one of their delicate and beautiful daughters? But it was not over the fair s.e.x alone that the magic of Mr. t.i.tmouse's name and pretensions had obtained this great and sudden ascendency; he excited no small attention among men of fas.h.i.+on--great numbers of whom quickly recognized in him one very fit to become their b.u.t.t and their dupe. What signified it to men secure of their own position in society, that they were seen openly a.s.sociating with one so outrageously absurd in his dress--and vulgar and ignorant beyond all example? So long as he bled freely, and "_trotted out_,"

briskly and willingly, his eccentricities could be not merely tolerated, but humored. Take, for instance, the gay and popular MARQUIS GANTS-JAUNES DE MILLEFLEURS; but he is worth a word or two of description, because of the position he had contrived to acquire and retain, and the influence which he managed to exercise over a considerable portion of London society. The post he was anxious to secure was that of the leader of _ton_; and he wished it to appear that that was the sole object of his ambition. While, however, he affected to be entirely engrossed by such matters as devising new and exquisite variations of dress, equipage, and cookery, he was, in reality, bent upon graver pursuits--upon gratifying his own licentious tastes and inclinations, with secrecy and impunity. He really despised _folly_, cultivating and practising only _vice_; in which he was, in a manner, an epicure. He was now about his forty-second year; had been handsome; was of bland and fascinating address; variously accomplished; of exquisite tact; of most refined taste. There was, however, a slight fulness and puffiness about his features--an expression in his eye which spoke of _satiety_--and spoke truly. He was a very proud, selfish, heartless person; but these qualities he contrived to disguise from many of even his most intimate a.s.sociates. An object of constant anxiety to him, was to ingratiate himself with the younger and weaker branches of the aristocracy, in order to secure a distinguished _status_ in society, and he succeeded. To gain this point, he taxed all his resources; never were so exquisitely blended, as in his instance, with a view to securing his _influence_, the qualities of dictator and parasite: he always appeared the _agreeable equal_ of those whom, for his life, he dared not seriously have offended. He had no fortune; no visible means of making money--did not sensibly sponge upon his friends, nor fall into conspicuous embarra.s.sments; yet he always lived in luxury.--Without money, he in some inconceivable manner always contrived to be in the possession of money's worth. He had a magical power of soothing querulous tradesmen. He had a knack of always keeping himself, his _clique_, his sayings and doings, before the eye of the public, in such a manner as to satisfy it that he was the acknowledged leader of fas.h.i.+on. Yet was it in truth no such thing--but only a _false_ fas.h.i.+on; there being all the difference between him, and a man of real consequence, in society, that there is between mock and real pearl--between paste and diamond. It was true that young men of sounding name and t.i.tle were ever to be found in his train, thereby giving real countenance to one from whom they fancied (till they found out their mistake) that they themselves derived celebrity; thus enabling him to effect a lodgement in the outskirts of aristocracy; but he could not penetrate inland, so to speak, any more than foreign merchants can advance farther than to Canton, in the dominions of the Emperor of China.[22] He was only tolerated in the regions of real rank and fas.h.i.+on--a fact of which he had a very galling consciousness; though it did not, apparently, disturb his equanimity, or interrupt the systematic and refined sycophancy by which alone he could secure his precarious position.

With some sad exceptions, I think that Great Britain has reason to be proud of her aristocracy. I do not speak now of those gaudy flaunting personages, of either s.e.x, who, by their excesses or eccentricities, are eternally obtruding themselves, their manners, dress, and equipage, upon the offended ear and eye of the public; but of those who occupy their exalted sphere in simplicity, in calmness, and in un.o.btrusive dignity and virtue. I am no flatterer or idolater of the n.o.bility. I have a profound sense of the necessity and advantage of the _inst.i.tution_: but I shall ever pay its _members_, personally, an honest homage only, after a stern and keen scrutiny into their personal pretensions; thinking of them ever in the spirit of those memorable words of Scripture--"_Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required_," and that not hereafter only, but HERE also. No one would visit their faults and follies with a more unsparing severity than I; yet making all just allowances for their peculiar perils and temptations, exposed, as they are, especially at the period of their entrance upon life, to sedulous and systematic sycophancy, too often also to artful and designing profligacy. Can, however, anything excite greater indignation and disgust in the mind of a thoughtful and independent observer than the instances occasionally exhibited of persons of rank presumptuously imagining that they enjoy a sort of prescriptive immunity from the consequences of misconduct? An insolent or profligate n.o.bleman is a spectacle becoming every day more dangerous to exhibit in this country; of that he may be a.s.sured.

Such are _my_ sentiments--those of a contented member of the middle cla.s.ses, with whom are all his best and dearest sympathies, and who feels as stern a pride in his "Order," and determination to "_stand by it_" too, as ever was felt or avowed by the haughtiest aristocrat for _his_; of one who, with very little personal acquaintance with the aristocracy, has yet had opportunities of observing their conduct; and sincerely and cheerfully expresses his belief, that very, very many of them are worthy of all that they enjoy--are bright patterns of honor, generosity, loyalty, and virtue; that, indeed, of by far the greater proportion of them it may be said that they

"Have borne their faculties so meek--have been So clear in their great office, that their virtues Will plead like angels."

And finally, I say these are the sentiments of one who, if that Order were in jeopardy, would, with the immense majority of his brethren of the middle cla.s.ses, freely shed his blood in defence of it: for its preservation is essential to the well-being of society, and its privileges are really ours.

To return, however, to the marquis. The means to which, as I have above explained, he resorted for the purpose, secured him a certain species of permanent popularity. In matters of dress and equipage, he could really set the fas.h.i.+on; and being something of a practical humorist, and desirous of frequent exhibitions of his influence in order to enhance his pretensions with his patrons--and being also greatly applauded and indulged by the tradespeople profiting by the vagaries of fas.h.i.+on, he was very capricious in the exercise of his influence. He seized the opportunity of the advent of my little hero, to display his powers very advantageously. He waved his wand over t.i.tmouse, and instantly transformed a little a.s.s into a great lion. 'Twas the marquis, who with his own hand had sketched off, from fancy, the portrait of t.i.tmouse, causing it to be exhibited in almost every bookseller's shop-window.

Well knew the marquis, that had he chosen to make his appearance once or twice in the parks, and leading streets and squares, in--for instance--the full and imposing evening costume of the clown at the theatre, with cunningly colored countenance, capacious white inexpressibles, and tasteful cap and jacket--within a few days' time several thousands of clowns would make their appearance about town, turning it into a vast pantomime. Could a more striking instance of the marquis's power in such matters have been exhibited, than that which had actually occurred in the case of t.i.tmouse? Soon after the novel of Tippetiwink had rendered our friend an object of public interest, the marquis happened, somewhere or other, to catch a glimpse of the preposterous little ape. His keen eye caught all t.i.tmouse's personal peculiarities at a glance; and a day or two afterwards he appeared in public, a sort of splendid edition of t.i.tmouse--with quizzing-gla.s.s stuck in his eye and cigar in his mouth; taper ebony cane; tight surtout, with the snowy corner of a white handkerchief peeping out of the outside breast-pocket; hat with scarce any rim perched slantingly on his head; satin stock bespangled with inwrought gold flowers; s.h.i.+rt-collar turned down; and that inimitable strut of his!--'Twas enough; the thoughtful young men about town were staggered for a moment; but their senses soon returned. _The marquis_ had stamped the thing with his fiat; and within three days' time, that bitter wag had called forth a flight of _t.i.tmice_ which would have reminded you, for a moment, of the visitation of locusts brought upon Egypt by Moses. Thus had been effected the state of things, recorded towards the close of the preceding chapter of this history. As soon as the marquis had seen a few of the leading fools about town fairly in the fas.h.i.+on, he resumed his former rigid simplicity of attire; and, accompanied by a friend or two in his confidence, walked about the town enjoying his triumph; witnessing his trophies--"t.i.ttlebats" and "t.i.tmouseties" filling the shop-windows on the week-days, and peopling the streets on Sundays. The marquis was not long in obtaining an introduction to the quaint little _millionaire_, whose reputation he had, conjointly with his distinguished friend Mr. Bladdery Pip, contributed so greatly to extend.

t.i.tmouse, who had often heard of him, looked upon him with inconceivable reverence, and accepted an invitation to one of the marquis's _recherche_ Sunday dinners, with a sort of tremulous ecstasy. Thither on the appointed day he went accordingly, and, by his original humor, afforded infinite amus.e.m.e.nt to the marquis's other guests. 'Twas lucky for t.i.tmouse that, getting dreadfully drunk very early in the evening, he was utterly incapacitated from accompanying his brilliant and good-natured host to one or two scenes of fas.h.i.+onable entertainment, in St. James's Street, as had been arranged between the marquis and a few of his friends!

Let us pause now to ask whether this poor little creature was not to be pitied? Did he not seem to have been plucked out of his own sphere of safe and comparatively happy obscurity, only in order to become every one's game--an object of everybody's cupidity and cruelty? May he not be compared to the flying-fish, who, springing out of the water to avoid his deadly pursuer there, is instantly pounced upon by his ravenous a.s.sailants in the air? In the lower, and in the upper regions of society, was not this the condition of poor t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse? Was not his long-coveted advancement merely a transition from scenes of vulgar to refined rapacity? Had he, ever since "_luck_ had happened to him,"

had one single _friend_ to whisper in his ear one word of pity and of disinterested counsel? In the splendid regions which he had entered, who regarded him otherwise than as a legitimate object for plunder or ridicule, the latter disguised by the _designing_ only? Was not even his dignified and exemplary old kinsman, the Earl of Dreddlington, Right Honorable as he was, influenced solely by considerations of paltry self-interest? Had he not his own ridiculous and mercenary designs to accomplish, amid all the attentions he vouchsafed to bestow upon t.i.tmouse? 'Twas, I think, old Hobbes of Malmesbury who held, that the natural state of mankind was one of war with each other. One really sees a good deal in life, especially after tracing the progress of society, that would seem to give some color to so strange a notion. 'Twas, of course, at first a matter of downright fisticuffs--of physical strife, occasioned, in a great measure, by our natural tendencies, according to him of Malmesbury; and aggravated by the desire which everybody had, to take away from everybody else what he had. In process of time we have, in a measure, dropped the physical part of the business; and instead of punching, scratching, kicking, biting, and knocking down one another, still true to the original principles of our nature, we are all endeavoring to circ.u.mvent one another: everybody is trying to take everybody in; the moment that one of us has got together a thing or two, he is pounced upon by his neighbor, who in his turn falls a prey to another, and so on in endless succession. We cannot effectually help ourselves, though we are splitting our heads to discover devices by way of laws, to restrain this propensity of our nature: it will not do; we are all overreaching, cheating, swindling, robbing one another, and, if necessary, are ready to ruin, maim, and murder one another in the prosecution of our designs. So is it with nations as with individuals, and minor collections of individuals. Truly, truly, we are a precious set, whether the sage of Malmesbury be right or wrong in his speculations!----

The more that the earl and Lady Cecilia perceived of t.i.tmouse's popularity, the more eager were they in parading their connection with him, and openly investing him with the character of a protege. In addition to this, the Lady Cecilia had begun to have now and then a glimmering notion of the objects which the earl was contemplating. If the earl, having taken him down to the House of Lords, and secured him a place at the bar, would, immediately on entering, walk up to him, and be seen for some time--august instructor!--condescendingly pointing out to him the different peers by name, as they entered, and explaining to his intelligent auditor the period, and mode, and cause, of the creation and accession of many of them to their honors, and also the forms, ceremonies, and routine of business in the House; so Lady Cecilia was not remiss in availing herself, in her way, of the little opportunities which presented themselves. She invited him, for instance, one day early in the week, to accompany them to church on the ensuing Sunday, and during the interval gave out among her intimate friends that they might expect to see Mr. t.i.tmouse in her papa's pew. The lion accepted the invitation; and, on the arrival of the appointed hour, might have been seen in the earl's carriage, driving to attend the afternoon's service, at the Reverend MORPHINE VELVET'S chapel--_Rosemary_ Chapel, near St.

James's Square. 'Twas a fas.h.i.+onable chapel; a chapel _of Ease_: rightly so called, for it was a very _easy_ mode of wors.h.i.+p, discipline, and doctrine that was there practised and inculcated. If I may adopt without irreverence the language of Scripture, but apply it very differently, I should say that Mr. Morphine Velvet's yoke was _very_ "easy," his burden _very_ "light." He was a popular preacher; middle-aged; sleek, serene, solemn in his person and demeanor. He had a very gentlemanlike appearance in the pulpit and reading-desk. There was a sort of soothing, winning elegance and tenderness in the tone and manner in which he "_prayed_" and "_besought_" his "dearly beloved brethren, as many as were there present, to accompany him," their bland and graceful pastor, "to the throne of the heavenly grace!" Fit leader was he of such a flock. He read the prayers remarkably well, in a quiet and subdued tone, very distinctly, and with marked emphasis and intonation--in fact, in a most gentlemanly manner--having sedulously studied under a crack theatrical teacher of elocution, who had given him several "points"--in fact, a new reading entirely of one of the clauses in the Lord's Prayer; and which, he had the gratification of perceiving, produced a striking, if not, indeed, a startling effect. On the little finger of the hand which he used most, was to be observed the sparkle of a diamond ring; and there was a sort of careless grace in the curl of his hair, which it had taken his hairdresser at least half an hour, before Mr. Velvet's leaving home for his chapel, to secure. In the pulpit he was calm and fluent. _That_, he rightly considered, ought not to be the scene for attempting intellectual display. He took care, therefore, that there should be nothing in his sermons to arrest the _understanding_, or unprofitably occupy it; addressing himself entirely to the feelings and fancy of his cultivated audience, in frequently interesting and even charming imaginative compositions. On the occasion I am speaking of, he took for his text a fearful pa.s.sage of Scripture, 2 Cor. iv. 3,--"_But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost._" If any words were calculated to startle such a congregation as was arrayed before Mr.

Velvet, out of their guilty and fatal apathy, were not these? Ought not their minister to have looked round him and trembled? So one would have thought; but "_dear_ Mr. Velvet" knew his mission and his flock better.

He presented them with an elegant description of heaven, with its crystal battlements, its jasper walls, its buildings of pure gold, its foundations of precious stones; its balmy air, its sounds of mysterious melody, its overflowing fulness of everlasting happiness--amid which friends, parted upon earth by the cruel stroke of death, recognize and are reunited to each other, never more to p.r.o.nounce the agonizing word "adieu!" And would his dear hearers be content to lose all this--content to _enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season_? Forbid it, eternal mercy!--But lest a strain like this should disturb or distress his hearers, he took the opportunity to enforce and ill.u.s.trate the consolatory truth that--

"Religion never was design'd To _make our pleasures less_;"

and presently resuming the thread of his discourse, went on to speak of the unquestionably serious consequences attending a persevering indifference to religion; and proceeded to give striking instances of it in--the merchant in his counting-house, and on 'change; the lawyer in his office; the tradesman in his shop; the operative in the manufactory; showing how each was absorbed in his calling--_laboring for the meat which perisheth_, till he had lost all appet.i.te and relish for spiritual food, and never once troubled himself about "the momentous concerns of hereafter!" Upon these topics he dwelt with such force and feeling, that he sent his distinguished congregation away--those of them, at least, who could retain any recollection of what they had heard for five minutes after entering their carriages--with lively fears that there was a very black look-out, indeed, for--the kind of persons whom Mr. Velvet had mentioned--viz. tailors, milliners, mercers, jewellers, and so forth; and who added graver offences, and of a more positive character, to the misconduct which he had pointed out--in their extortion and their rapacity! Would that some of them had been present!--Thus was it that dear Mr. Velvet sent away his hearers overflowing with Christian sympathy; very well pleased with Mr. Velvet, but infinitely better pleased with themselves! The deep impression he had made, was evidenced by a note which he received that evening from the d.u.c.h.ess of Broadacre; most earnestly begging permission to copy his "beautiful sermon," in order to send it to her sister, Lady Belle Almacks, who (through early dissipation) was ill of a decline at Naples. I may as well here mention, that about the time of which I am speaking, there came out an engraved portrait of "the Rev. Morphine Velvet, M. A., Minister of Rosemary Chapel, St. James," and a very charming picture it was, representing the aforesaid Mr. Velvet in pulpit costume and att.i.tude, with hands gracefully outstretched, and his face directed upward, with a heavenly expression; suggesting to you the possibility that some fine day, when his hearers least expected it, he might gently rise out of his pulpit into the air, like Stephen, with heaven open before him, and _be no more seen of men!_

Four or five carriages had to set down before that containing the Earl of Dreddlington, Lady Cecilia, and Mr. t.i.tmouse, could draw up; by which time there had acc.u.mulated as many in its rear, so eager were the pious aristocrats to get into this _holy retreat_. As t.i.tmouse, holding his hat and cane in one hand, while with the other he arranged his hair, strutted up the centre aisle, following the earl and Lady Cecilia, he could hardly repress the exultation with which he thought of a former visit of his to that very fabric some two years before. _Then_, on attempting to enter the body of the chapel, the vergers had politely but firmly repulsed him; on which, swelling with vexation, he had ascended to the gallery, where, after having been kept standing for ten minutes at least, he had been beckoned by the pew-opener towards, and squeezed into, the furthermost pew, close at the back of the organ, and in which said pew were two powdered footman. If disgusted with his mere contiguity, guess what must have been his feelings when his nearest companion good-naturedly forced upon him a part of his prayer-book; which t.i.tmouse, ready to spit in his face, held with his finger and thumb, as though it had been the tail of a snake! _Now_, how changed was all! He had become an aristocrat; in his veins ran some of the richest and oldest blood in the country; his brow might ere long be graced by the coronet which King Henry II. had placed upon the brow of the founder of his family, some seven hundred years before; and a tall footman, with powdered head, glistening silver shoulder-knot, and sky-blue livery, and carrying in a bag the gilded implements of devotion, was humbly following behind him! What a remarkable and vivid contrast between his present and his former circ.u.mstances, was present at that moment to his reflecting mind! As he stood, his hat covering his face, in an att.i.tude of devotion--"I wonder," thought he, "what all these n.o.bs and swells would say, if they knew the sort of figure I had cut here on the last time?" and again--"'Pon my life, what would I give for--say Huckaback--to see me just now!" What an elegant and fas.h.i.+onable air the congregation wore! Surely there _must_ be something in religion, when people such as were around him came so punctually to church, and behaved so seriously! The members of that congregation were, indeed, exemplary in their strict discharge of their public religious duties! Scarce one of them was there who had not been at the opera till twelve o'clock over-night; the dulcet notes of the singers were still thrilling in their ears, the graceful att.i.tudes of the dancers still present to their eyes. Every previous night of the week had they been engaged in the brilliant ball-room, and whirled in the mazes of the voluptuous waltz, or glittering in the picturesque splendor of fancy dress, till three, four, and five o'clock in the morning: yet here they were in the house of G.o.d, in spite of all their exhaustion, testified by the heavy eye, the ill-suppressed yawn, the languor and ennui visible in their countenances, prepared to accompany their polite pastor, "with a pure heart and humble voice, unto the throne of the heavenly grace," to acknowledge, with lively emotion, that they "had followed too much the devices and desires of their own hearts;" praying for "mercy upon them, miserable offenders," that G.o.d would "restore them, being penitent," so that "they might thereafter lead a G.o.dly, righteous, and sober life."

Here they were, punctual to their time, decorous in manner, devout in spirit, earnest and sincere in repentance and good resolutions--knowing, nevertheless the while, how would be spent the remainder of the season--of their _lives_; and yet resolving to attend to the respectfully affectionate entreaties of Mr. Velvet, to be "_not hearers only, but doers of the word_." Generally, I should say, that the state of mind of most, if not all of those present, was a.n.a.logous to that of persons who sit in the pump-room, to drink the Bath or Cheltenham waters. Everybody did the same thing; and each hoped that, while sitting in his pew, what he heard would, like what he drank at the pump-room, in some secret mode of operation, insensibly benefit the hearer, without subjecting him to any unpleasant restraint or discipline--without requiring active exertion, or inconvenience, or sacrifice. This will give you a pretty accurate notion of Lord Dreddlington's state of mind upon the present occasion. With his gold gla.s.ses on, he followed with his eye, and also with his voice, every word of the prayers, with rigid accuracy and unwavering earnestness; but as soon as Mr. Velvet had mounted the pulpit, and risen to deliver his discourse, the earl quietly folded his arms, closed his eyes, and, in an attentive posture, dignifiedly composed himself to sleep. Lady Cecilia sat beside him perfectly motionless during the whole sermon, her eyes fixed languidly upon the preacher. As for t.i.tmouse, he bore it pretty well for about five minutes; then he pulled his gloves off and on at least twenty times; then he twisted his handkerchief round his fingers; then he looked with a vexed air at his watch; then he stuck his gla.s.s in his eye, and stared about him. By the time that Mr. Velvet had ceased, t.i.tmouse had conceived a very great dislike to him, and was indeed in a fretful humor. But when the organ struck up, and they rose to go; when he mingled with the soft, crus.h.i.+ng, fluttering, rustling, satin-clad throng--nodding to one, bowing to another, and shaking hands with a third, he felt "himself again." The only difference between him and those around him was, that _they_ had learned to bear with calm fort.i.tude what had so severely tried _his_ temper. All were glad to get out: the crash of carriages at the door was music in their ears--the throng of servants delightful objects to their eyes--they were, in short, in the dear world again, and breathed as freely as ever!

Mr. t.i.tmouse took leave of the earl and Lady Cecilia at their carriage-door, having ordered his cab to be in waiting--as it was; and entering it, he drove about leisurely till it was time to think of dressing for dinner. He had accepted an invitation to dine with a party of officers in the Guards, and a merry time they had on't. t.i.tmouse in due time got blind drunk; and then one of his companions, rapidly advancing towards the same happy state, seized the opportunity, with a burned cork, to blacken poor t.i.tmouse's face all over--who thereupon was p.r.o.nounced to bear a very close resemblance to one of the black boys belonging to the band of the regiment; and thus, when dead drunk, afforded nearly as much fun to his companions as when sober. As he was quite incapable of taking care of himself, they put a servant with him into his cab, (judging his little tiger to be unequal to the responsibility.)

t.i.tmouse pa.s.sed a sad night, but got better towards the middle of the ensuing day; when he was sufficiently recovered to receive two visitors.

One of them was young Lord Frederic Feather, (accompanied by a friend,) both of whom had dined in company with t.i.tmouse over-night; and his Lords.h.i.+p it was, who, having decorated t.i.tmouse's countenance in the way I have described--so as to throw his valet almost into fits on seeing him brought home--imagining it might possibly come to his ears who it was that had done him such a favor, had come to acknowledge and apologize for it frankly and promptly. When, however, he perceived what a fool he had got to deal with, he suddenly changed his course--declared that t.i.tmouse had not only done it himself, but had then presumed to act similarly towards his Lords.h.i.+p, whose friend corroborated the charge--and they had called to receive, in private, _an apology_!

t.i.tmouse's breath seemed taken away on first hearing this astounding version of the affair. He swore that he had done nothing of the sort, but had _suffered_ a good deal; dropping, however, from the tight rope, on observing the stern looks of his companions, he protested that at all events "he did not recollect" anything of the kind; on which they smiled good-naturedly, and said that _that_ was very possible. Then t.i.tmouse made the requisite apology; and thus this "awkward affair" ended. Lord Frederic continued for some time with t.i.tmouse in pleasant chat; for he foresaw that, "hard up" as he frequently was, Mr. t.i.tmouse was a friend who might be exceedingly serviceable. In fact, poor Lord Frederic could, on that very occasion, have almost gone on his knees for a check of Mr.

t.i.tmouse upon his bankers for a couple of hundred pounds. Oh, thought that "n.o.ble" young spark--what would _he_ have given to be in t.i.tmouse's position, with his twenty thousand a-year, and a hundred thousand pounds of hard cas.h.!.+ But, as the reader well knows, poor t.i.tmouse's resources, ample as they were, were upon a far less splendid scale than was supposed. Partly from inclination, and partly through a temporary sense of embarra.s.sment, occasioned by the want of ready money, t.i.tmouse did not spend a tenth part of the sum which it had been everywhere supposed he could disburse freely on all hands: and this occasioned him to be given credit for possessing all that rumor a.s.signed to him; and, moreover, for a disposition not to squander it. He had several times been induced to try his hand at ecarte, rouge et noir, and hazard; and had, on the first occasion or two, been a little hurried away, through deference to his distinguished a.s.sociates, and bled rather freely; but when he found that it was a matter of _business_--that he must _pay_--and felt his purse growing lighter, and his pocket-book, in which he kept his bank-notes, rapidly shrinking in dimensions as the evening wore on, he experienced vivid alarm and disgust, and an increasing disinclination to be "victimized;" and his aversion to play was infinitely strengthened by the frequent cautions of his distinguished and disinterested monitor, the Earl of Dreddlington.

But there was one step in Mr. t.i.tmouse's upward progress which he presently took, and which is worthy of special mention; I mean his presentation at court by the Earl of Dreddlington. The necessity for such a move was explained to t.i.tmouse by his ill.u.s.trious kinsman, a day or two after the appearance of the ordinary official announcement of the next levee. This momentous affair was broached by the earl, one day after dinner, with an air of almost mysterious anxiety and interest.

Had, indeed, that stately and solemn old simpleton been instructing his gaping protege, in the minutely-awful etiquettes requisite for the due discharge of his duties, as an amba.s.sador sent upon a delicate and embarra.s.sing mission to the court of his Sacred Majesty the King of Sulkypunctilio, he could not have appeared more penetrated by a sense of the responsibility he was incurring. He commenced by giving t.i.tmouse a very long history of the origin and progress of such ceremonies, and a minute account of the practical manner of their observance, all of which, however, was to t.i.tmouse only like breathing upon a mirror--pa.s.sing as quickly out of one ear as it had entered into the other. When, however, the earl came to the point of dress, t.i.tmouse was indeed "a thing all ear, all eye," his little faculties being stimulated to their utmost. The next morning he hurried off to his tailor, to order a court dress. When it had been brought home for trial, and he had put it on, upon returning to his room in his new and imposing costume, and glancing at his figure in the gla.s.s, his face fell; and he felt infinitely disappointed. It is to be remembered in candor, however, that he had not on lace ruffles at his coat-cuffs, nor on his s.h.i.+rt-front.

After gazing at himself for a few moments in silence, he suddenly snapped his fingers, and exclaimed to the tailor, who, with the valet, was standing beside him, "Curse me if I like this thing at all!"

"Not like it, sir!" exclaimed Mr. Clipclose, with astonishment.

"No, I don't, demme! Is _this_ a court dress? It's a quaker's made into a footman's! 'Pon my soul, I look the exact image of a footman; and a devilish vulgar one too!" The two individuals beside him turned suddenly away--looking in different directions--and from their noses there issued the sounds of ill-suppressed laughter.

"Oh, sir--I beg a thousand pardons!"--quickly exclaimed Mr. Clipclose, "what can I have been thinking about? There's the sword--we've quite forgot it!"

"Ah--'pon my life, I thought there was _something_ wrong!" quoth t.i.tmouse, as Mr. Clipclose, having brought the sword from the table at the other end of the room, where he had laid it upon entering, buckled it upon his distinguished customer.

"I flatter myself that _now_, sir"--commenced he.

"Ya--as--Quite the correct thing! 'Pon my soul--must say--most uncommon striking!"--exclaimed t.i.tmouse, glancing at his figure in the gla.s.s, with a triumphant smile. "Isn't it odd, now, that this sword should make all the difference between me and a footman, by Jove?" Here his two companions were seized with a simultaneous fit of coughing.

"Ah, ha--it's _so_, a'n't it?" continued t.i.tmouse, his eyes glued to the gla.s.s.

"Certainly, sir," replied Mr. Clipclose, "it undoubtedly gives--what shall I call it? a grace--a finish--a sort of commanding appearance--especially to a figure that becomes it"--he continued with cool a.s.surance, observing that the valet understood him. "But--may I, sir, take so great a liberty? If you are not accustomed to wear a sword--as I think you said you had not been at court before--I beg to remind you that it will require particular care to manage it, and prevent it from getting between"----

"Demme, sir!" exclaimed t.i.tmouse, turning round with an offended air--"d'ye think I don't know how to manage a sword? By all that's tremendous"--and plucking the taper weapon out of its scabbard, he waved it over his head; and throwing himself into the first position--he had latterly paid a good deal of attention to fencing--with rather an excited air, he went through several of the preliminary movements. 'Twas a subject for a painter, and exhibited a very striking spectacle--as an instance of power silently concentrated, and ready to be put forth upon an adequate occasion. The tailor and the valet, who stood separate from each other, and at a safe and respectful distance from Mr. t.i.tmouse, gazed at him with silent admiration.

When the great day arrived--t.i.tmouse having thought of scarce anything else in the interval, and teased every one whom he had met with his endless questions and childish observations on the subject--he drove up, at the appointed hour, to the Earl of Dreddlington's; whose carriage, with an appearance of greater state than usual about it, was standing at the door. On alighting from his cab, he skipped so nimbly up-stairs, that he could not have had time to observe the amus.e.m.e.nt which his figure occasioned even to the well-disciplined servants of the Earl of Dreddlington. Much allowance ought to have been made for them. Think of Mr. t.i.tmouse's little knee-breeches, white silks, silver shoe-buckles, s.h.i.+rt ruffles and frills, coat, bag, and sword; and his hair, plastered up with bear's grease, parted down the middle of his head, and curling out boldly over each temple; and his open countenance irradiated with a subdued smile of triumph and excitement! On entering the drawing-room he beheld a really striking object--the earl in court costume, wearing his general's uniform, with all his glistening orders, standing in readiness to set off, and holding in his hand his hat, with its snowy plume. His posture was at once easy and commanding. Had he been standing to Sir Thomas Lawrence, he could not have disposed himself more effectively.

Lady Cecilia was sitting on the sofa, leaning back, and languidly talking to him; and, from the start which they both gave on t.i.tmouse's entrance, it was plain that they could not have calculated upon the extraordinary transmogrification he must have undergone, in a.s.suming court costume. For a moment or two, each was as severely shocked as when his absurd figure had first presented itself in that drawing-room. "Oh, heavens!" murmured Lady Cecilia: while the earl seemed struck dumb by the approaching figure of t.i.tmouse. That gentleman, however, was totally changed from the t.i.tmouse of a former day. He had now acquired a due sense of his personal importance, a just confidence in himself.

Greatness had lost its former petrifying influence over him. And, as for his appearance on the present occasion, _he_ had grown so familiar with it, as reflected in his gla.s.s, that it never occurred to him that the case might be different with others who beheld him for the first time.

The candor upon which I pride myself urges me to state, however, that when t.i.tmouse beheld the military air and superb equipments of the earl--notwithstanding that t.i.tmouse, too, wore a sword--he felt himself _done_. He advanced, nevertheless, pretty confidently--bobbing about, first to Lady Cecilia, and then to the earl; and after a hasty salutation, observed,--"'Pon my life, my Lord, I hope it's no offence, but your Lords.h.i.+p _does_ look most remarkable fine." The earl made no reply, but inclined towards him magnificently--not seeing the meaning and intention of t.i.tmouse, but being affronted by his words.

"May I ask what your Lords.h.i.+p thinks of _me_? First time I ever appeared in this kind of thing, my Lord--ha! ha, your Lords.h.i.+p sees!" As he spoke, his look and voice betrayed the overawing effects of the earl's splendid appearance, which was rapidly freezing up the springs of familiarity, if not, indeed, of flippancy, which were bubbling up within the little bosom of t.i.tmouse, on his entering the room. His manner became involuntarily subdued and reverential. The Earl of Dreddlington in plain clothes, and in full court costume, were two very different persons; though his Lords.h.i.+p would have been terribly mortified if he had known that any one thought so. However much he now regretted having offered to take t.i.tmouse to the levee, there was no escape from the calamity; so, after a few minutes' pause, his Lords.h.i.+p rang the bell, and announced his readiness to set off. Followed by Mr. t.i.tmouse, the earl slowly descended the stairs; and when he was within two or three steps of the hall floor, it distresses me to relate, that his Lords.h.i.+p suddenly fell nearly flat upon his face, and, but for his servants'

rus.h.i.+ng up, would have been seriously hurt. Poor t.i.tmouse had been the occasion of this dismal disaster; for his sword getting between his legs, down he went against the earl, who went naturally down upon the floor, as I have mentioned. t.i.tmouse was not much hurt, but terribly frightened, and became as pale as death when he looked at the earl; who appeared a little agitated, but, not having been really injured, soon recovered a considerable measure of self-possession. Profuse were poor t.i.tmouse's apologies, as may be supposed; but much as he was distressed at what had taken place, a glance at the angry countenances with which the servants regarded him, as if inwardly cursing his stupidity and clumsiness, stirred up his spirit a little with a feeling of resentment.

He would have given a hundred pounds to have been able to discharge every one of them on the spot!--

"Sir--enough has been said," quoth the earl, rather coldly and haughtily, tired of the multiplied apologies and excuses of t.i.tmouse. "I thank G.o.d, sir, that I am not hurt, though at my time of life a fall is not a slight matter. Sir," continued the earl, bitterly--again interrupting t.i.tmouse--"_you_ are not so much to blame as your tailor; he should have explained to you how to wear your sword!" With this, having cut t.i.tmouse to the very quick, the earl motioned him towards the door. They soon entered the carriage; the door was closed; and, with a brace of footmen behind, away rolled these two truly distinguished subjects to pay their homage to Majesty--which might well be proud of such homage!--They both sat in silence for some time. At length--"Beg your Lords.h.i.+p's pardon," quoth t.i.tmouse, with some energy; "but I wish your Lords.h.i.+p only knew how I _hate_ this cursed skewer that's pinned to me:" and he looked at his sword, as if he could have snapped it into halves, and thrown them through the window.

"Sir, I can appreciate your feelings. The sword was not to blame; and _you_ have my forgiveness," replied the still ruffled earl.

"Much obliged to your Lords.h.i.+p," replied t.i.tmouse, in a somewhat different tone from any in which he had ever ventured to address his august companion; for he was beginning to feel confoundedly nettled at the bitter contemptuous manner which the earl observed towards him. He was also not a little enraged with himself; for he knew he had been in fault, and thought of the neglected advice of his tailor. So his natural insolence, like a reptile just beginning to recover from its long torpor, made a faint struggle to show itself--but in vain; he was quite cowed and overpowered by the Presence in which he was, and he wished heartily that he could have recalled even the few last words he had ventured to utter. The earl had observed his presumptuous flippancy of manner, though without appearing to do so. His Lords.h.i.+p was accustomed to control his feelings; and on the present occasion made some effort to do so, for fear of alienating t.i.tmouse from him by any display of offended dignity.

"Sir, it is a very fine day," he observed in a kind manner, after a stern silence of at least five minutes.

"Remarkable fine, my Lord. I was just going to say so," replied t.i.tmouse, greatly relieved; and presently they fell into their usual strain of conversation.

"We must learn to bear these little annoyances calmly," said the earl, graciously, on t.i.tmouse's again alluding to his mishap;--"as for me, sir, a person in the station to which it has pleased Heaven to call me, for purposes of its own, has his peculiar and very grave anxieties--substantial anx"----

He ceased suddenly. The carriage of his old rival, the Earl of Fitz-Walter, pa.s.sed him; the latter waved his hand courteously; the former, with a bitter smile, was forced to do the same; and then relapsing into silence, showed that _the iron was entering his soul_.

Thus the earl in his own person afforded a striking ill.u.s.tration of the truth of the observation which he had been making to t.i.tmouse. Soon, however, they had entered the scene of splendid hubbub, which at once occupied and excited both their little minds. Without, was the eager crowd, gazing with admiration and awe at each equipage, with its brilliant occupants, that dashed past them:--then the life-guardsmen, in glittering and formidable array, their long gleaming swords and polished helmets glancing and flas.h.i.+ng in the sunlight. Within, were the tall yeomen of the guard, in black velvet caps and scarlet uniforms, and with ponderous partisans, lining each side of the staircase--and who, being in the exact military costume of the time of Henry the Eighth, forcibly recalled those days of pomp and pageantry to the well-informed mind of Mr. t.i.tmouse. In short, for the first time in his life, he beheld, and was overwhelmed by, the grandeur, state, and ceremony which fence in the dread approaches to MAJESTY. He was, fortunately, far too much bewildered and fl.u.s.tered, to be aware of the ill-concealed t.i.ttering and even laughter which his appearance excited, wherever he went. In due course he was borne on, and issued in due form into the presence chamber--into the immediate presence of Majesty. His heart palpitated; his dazzled eye caught a hasty glimpse of a tall magnificent figure and a throne. Advancing--scarce aware whether on his head or his heels--he reverently paid his homage--then rising, was promptly ushered out through a different door; with no distinct impression of anything that he had witnessed!--'twas all a dazzling blaze of glory--a dim vision of awe! Little was he aware, poor soul, that the king had required him to be pointed out upon his approach, having heard of his celebrity in society; and that he had had the distinguished honor of occasioning to Majesty a very great effort to keep its countenance. It was not till after he had quitted the palace for some time, that he breathed freely again. Then he began to feel as if a vast change had been effected in him by some mysterious and awful agency--that he was penetrated and pervaded, as it were, by the subtle essence of royalty--like one having experienced the sudden, strange, thrilling, potent influence of electricity. He imagined that now the stamp of greatness had been impressed upon him; that his pretensions had been ratified by the highest authority upon earth. 'Twas as if wine had been poured into a stream, intoxicating the _t.i.ttlebats_ swimming about in it!--As for me, however, seriously speaking, I question whether anything more than an _imaginary_ change had come over my friend. Though I should be sorry to quote against him language with which I have reason to believe he was not _critically_ acquainted, I cannot help expressing an opinion that Horace must have had in his eye a ROMAN t.i.tMOUSE, when he penned those bitter lines--

"Licet superbus ambules pecunia FORTUNA NON MUTAT GENUS.

--Videsne Sacram metiente te Viam c.u.m bis ter ulnaram toga, Ut ora vertat huc et huc euntium, Liberrima indignatio?

--'Sectus flagellis hic triumviralibus Praeconis ad fastidium, Arat Falerni mille fundi jugera, Et Appiam mannis terit!'"[23]