Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Ii Part 31

"It seems all up, Gammon, certainly--don't it?" said he, faintly, with a fl.u.s.tered air.

"Indeed, my dear Mr. Quirk, it does! You have my sincerest"----

"Now comes t'other end of the thing, Gammon! You know every promise of marriage has two ends--one joins the heart, and t'other the pocket; _out_ heart, _in_ pocket--so _have at him_, Gammon--have at him, by Jove!" He rose up and rubbed his hands as he stood before the fire.

"Breach of promise--thundering damages--devilish deep purse--special jury--broken heart, and all that! I wish he'd written her--by the way--more letters! Adad, I'll have a shot at him by next a.s.sizes--a writ on the file this very day! What d'ye think on't, friend Gammon, between ourselves?" quoth Mr. Quirk, heatedly.

"Why, my dear sir--to tell you the truth--aren't you really well out of it? He's a miserable little upstart--he'd have made a wretched husband for so superior a girl as Miss Quirk."

"Ay--ay! ay! She _is_ a good girl, Gammon--there you're right; would have made the best of wives--my eyes, (between ourselves!) how that'll go to the jury! Gad, I fancy I see'em--perhaps all of'em daughters of their own."

"Looking at the thing calmly, Mr. Quirk," said Gammon, gravely--apprehensive of Mr. Quirk's carrying too far so very absurd an affair--"where's the _evidence_ of the promise?--Because, you know, there's certainly _something_ depends on that--eh?"

"Evidence? Deuce take you, Gammon! where are your wits? Evidence?

Lots--lots of it! A'n't there I--her father? A'n't I a competent[31]

witness? Wait and see old Caleb Quirk get into the box. I'll settle his hash in half a minute."

"Yes--if you're believed, perhaps."

"_Believe_ be----! Who's to be believed, if her own father isn't?"

"Why, you may be too much swayed by your own feelings!"

"_Feelings_ be----! It's past all that; he has none--so he must pay, for he _has_ cas.h.!.+ He ought to be made an example of!"

"Still, to come to the point, Mr. Quirk, I vow it quite _teases_ me--this matter of the evidence"----

"Evidence? Why, Lord bless my soul, Gammon," quoth Quirk, testily, "haven't _you_ had your eyes and ears open all this while? Gad, what a crack witness you'd make! A man of your--your intellect--serve a friend at a pinch--and in a matter about his daughter? Ah, how often you've seen'em together--walking, talking, laughing, dancing, riding--writ in her alb.u.m--made her presents, and she him. _Evidence?_ Oceans of it, and to spare! Secure Subtle--and I wouldn't take 5,000 for my verdict!"

"Why, you see, Mr. Quirk," said Gammon, very seriously--"though I've striven my utmost these six months to bring it about, the artful little scamp has never given me the least thing that I could lay hold of, and _swear_ to."

"Oh, you'll _recollect_ enough, in due time, friend Gammon, if you'll only turn your attention to it; and if you'll bear in mind it's life and death to my poor girl. Oh Lord! I must get my sister to break it to her, and I'll send sealed instructions to Mr. ---- Weasel, shall we say? or Lynx? ay, Lynx; for he'll then have to fight for his own pleadings; and can't turn round at the trial and say, 'this is not right,' and 'that's wrong,' and, '_why_ didn't you have such and such evidence?' Lynx is the man; and I'll lay the venue in Yorks.h.i.+re, for t.i.tmouse is devilish disliked down there; and a special jury will be only too glad to give him a desperate slap in the chops! We'll lay the damages at twenty thousand pounds! Ah, ha! I'll teach the young villain to break the hearts of an old man and his daughter. But, egad," he pulled out his watch, "half-past two; and Nicky Crowbar sure to be put up at three! By Jove! it won't do to be out of the way; he's head of the gang, and they always come down very liberally when they're in trouble. Snap!

Amminadab! hollo! who's there? Drat them all, why don't they speak?"

The old gentleman was soon, however, attended to.

"Are they here?" he inquired, as Mr. Amminadab entered.

"Yes, sir, all three; and the coach is at the door, too. Nicky Crowbar's to be up at three, sir"----

"I see--I know--I'm ready," replied Mr. Quirk, who was presently seated in the coach with three gentlemen, to whom he minutely explained the person of Mr. Nicky Crowbar, and the place at which it was quite certain that Mr. Crowbar could _not_ have been at half-past eleven o'clock on Tuesday night the 9th of July, seeing that it did so happen that at that precise time he was elsewhere, in company with these very three gentlemen--to wit, at Chelsea, and _not at Clapham_! In short, this was a first-rate ALIBI.

Though Mr. Gammon thus sympathized with one of the gentle beings who had been "rifled of all their sweetness," I grieve to say that the other, Miss Tag-rag, never occupied his thoughts for one moment. He neither knew nor cared whether or not she was apprised of the destruction of all _her_ fond hopes, by the paragraph which had appeared in the _Aurora_.

He felt, in fact, that he had really done enough, on the part of Mr.

t.i.tmouse, for his early friend and patron, Mr. Tag-rag, on whom the stream of fortune had set in strong and steady; and, in short, Mr.

Gammon knew that Mr. Tag-rag had received a substantial memento of his connection with t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse. How truly disinterested a man was Mr. Gammon towards all with whom he came in contact! What had he not done, as I have been saying, for the Tag-rags? What for Mr. t.i.tmouse?

What for the Earl of Dreddlington? What for Mr. Quirk, and even Snap? As for Mr. Quirk, had he not been put in possession of his long-coveted bond for 10,000? of which, by the way, he allotted 1,000 only to the man--Mr. Gammon--by whose unwearying exertions and consummate ability he had obtained so splendid a prize, and 300 to Mr. Snap! Then, had not Mr. Quirk also been paid his bill against t.i.tmouse of 5,000 and upwards, and 2,500 by Mr. Aubrey? And, governed by the articles of their partners.h.i.+p, what a _lion's half_ of this spoil had not been appropriated to the respectable old head of the firm? Mr. Gammon did undoubtedly complain indignantly of the trifling portion allotted to him, but he was encountered by such a desperate pertinacity on the part of Mr. Quirk as baffled him entirely, and caused him to abandon his further claim in disgust and despair. Thus, the 20,000 obtained by Mr.

t.i.tmouse, on mortgage of the Yatton property, was reduced at once to the sum of 5,000;--but out of this handsome balance had yet to come, first, 800, with interest, due to Mr. Quirk for subsistence-money advanced to t.i.tmouse; secondly, 500 due to Mr. Snap, for moneys alleged to have been also lent by him to his friend t.i.tmouse at different times, in the manner which has been already explained to the reader--Snap's demand for repayment being accompanied by _verbatim_ copies--such he stated them to be--of between forty and fifty memoranda--many of them in pencil--notes of hand, receipts, I. O. U.'s, &c., in whose handwriting the figures representing _the sums lent_, and the times when, could not be ascertained, and did not signify: it being, in point of law, good _prima facie_ evidence for Snap, in the event of a trial, simply to produce the doc.u.ments and prove the signature of his friend Mr. t.i.tmouse.[32] That gentleman discharged a volley of imprecations at Snap's head, on receiving this unexpected claim, and referred it to Mr. Gammon; who, after subjecting it to a _bona fide_ and very rigorous examination, found it in vain to attempt to resist, or even diminish it; such perfect method and accuracy had Snap observed in his accounts, that they secured him a clear gain of 350; the difference between that sum and 500, being the amount actually and _bona fide_ advanced by him to t.i.tmouse.

Deducting, therefore, 1,300, (the amount of the two minor demands of 800 and 500 above specified,) there remained to Mr. t.i.tmouse out of the 20,000 the sum of 3,700; and he ought to have been thankful; for he _might_ have got _nothing_--or even have been brought in debtor to Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap. I say that Mr. Gammon would seem, from the above statement of accounts, not to have been dealt with in any degree adequately to his merits. He felt such to be his case; but soon reconciled himself to it, occupied as he was with arduous and extensive speculations, amid all the complication of which he never for a moment lost sight of one object, viz.--_himself_. His schemes were boldly conceived, and he went about the accomplishment of them with equal patience and sagacity. Almost everything was at present going on as he could have wished. He had contrived to place himself in a very convenient fast-and-loose sort of position with reference to his fellow-partners--one which admitted of his easily disengaging himself from them, whenever the proper time should have arrived for taking such a step. He was absolute and paramount over t.i.tmouse, and could always secure his instant submission, by virtue of the fearful and mysterious talisman which he occasionally flashed before his startled eyes. He had acquired great influence, also, over the Earl of Dreddlington--an influence which was constantly on the increase; and had seen come to pa.s.s an event which he judged to be of great importance to him--namely, the engagement between t.i.tmouse and the Lady Cecilia. Yet was there one object which he had proposed to himself as incalculably valuable and supremely desirable--as the consummation of all his designs and wishes; I mean the obtaining the hand of Miss Aubrey--and in which he had yet a fearful misgiving of failure. But he was a man whose courage rose with every obstacle; and he fixedly resolved within himself, to succeed, at any cost. 'Twas not alone his exquisite appreciation of her personal beauty, her grace, her accomplishments, her lovely temper, her lofty spirit, her high birth--objects all of them dazzling enough to a man of such a powerful and ambitious mind, and placed in such circ.u.mstances in life as Gammon. There were certain other considerations, intimately involved in all his calculations, which--as may possibly become apparent hereafter--rendered success in this affair a matter of vital consequence--nay, indispensable. Knowing, as I do, what had pa.s.sed at different times between that proud and determined girl and her constant and enthusiastic lover, Mr. Delamere, I am as certain as a man can be of anything that has not actually happened, that, though she may possibly not be fated to become Mrs. Delamere, she will certainly NEVER become--MRS. GAMMON!--Loving Kate as I do, and being thoroughly acquainted with Gammon, I feel deep interest in his movements, and am watching them with great apprehension:--she, lovely, innocent, unsuspicious; he, subtle, selfish, unscrupulous, desperate! And he has great power in his hands: is he not silently surrounding his destined prey with unperceived, but apparently inextricable meshes? G.o.d guard thee, my Kate, and reward thy n.o.ble devotion to thy brother and his fallen fortunes! Do we chide thee for clinging to them with fond tenacity in their extremity, when thou art daily importuned to enter into that station which thou wouldst so adorn?

Gammon's reception by the Aubreys, in Vivian Street--kind and courteous though it had surely been--had ever since rankled in his heart. Their abstaining from a request to him to prolong his stay, or to renew his visit, he had noted at the time, and had ever since reflected upon it with pique and discouragement. Nevertheless, he was resolved at all hazards to become at least an occasional visitor in Vivian Street.

When a fortnight had elapsed without any further intimation to Mr.

Aubrey concerning the dreaded balance due to the firm, Gammon ventured to call upon him, for the purpose of a.s.suring Mr. Aubrey that it was no mere temporary lull; that he might divest his mind of all uneasiness on the subject; and of asking whether he (Gammon) had not told Mr. Aubrey truly that he both could and would restrain the hand of Mr. Quirk. Could Mr. Aubrey be otherwise than grateful for such active, effectual, and manifestly disinterested kindness? Again Gammon made his appearance at Mrs. Aubrey's tea-table--and was again received with all the sweetness and frankness of manner which he had formerly experienced from her and Miss Aubrey. Again he called, on some adroit pretext or another--and once heard Miss Aubrey's rich voice and exquisite performance on the piano. He became subject to emotions and impulses of such a sort as he had never before experienced; yet, whenever he retired from their fascinating society, he was conscious of an aching void, as it were, within--he perceived the absence of all sympathy towards him; he felt _indignant_--but that did not quench the ardor of his aspirations. 'Tis hardly necessary to say, that on every occasion, Gammon effectually concealed the profound and agitating feelings which the sight of Miss Aubrey called forth in him; and what a tax was this upon his powers of self-control! How he laid himself out to amuse and interest them all!

With what racy humor would he describe the vulgar absurdities of t.i.tmouse--the stately eccentricities of the Dreddlingtons! With what eager and breathless interest was he listened to! Few men could make themselves more completely agreeable than Gammon; and the ladies really took pleasure in his society; Kate being, all the while, about as far from any notion of the real state of his feelings, as is my fair reader of what is at this moment going on in the dog-star. Her reserve towards him sensibly lessened; why, indeed, should she feel it, towards one of whom Dr. Tatham spoke so highly, and who appeared to justify his eulogium? Moreover, Mr. Gammon took special care to speak in the most unreserved and unqualified manner of the mean and mercenary character of Mr. Quirk--of the miserable style of business in which he, Mr. Gammon, was compelled, for only a short time longer, he trusted, to partic.i.p.ate, and which was really revolting to his own feelings. He did his best, in short, to cause himself to appear a sensitive and high-minded man, whose unhappy fate it had been to be yoked with those who were the reverse.

Mr. Aubrey regarded him from time to time with silent anxiety and interest, as one who had it in his power, at any instant he might choose, to cause the suspended sword to fall upon him; at whose will and pleasure he continued in the enjoyment of his present domestic happiness, instead of being incarcerated in prison; but who had hitherto evinced a disposition of signal forbearance, sincere good-nature, and disinterestedness. They often used to speak of him, and compare the impression which his person and conduct had produced in their minds; and in two points they agreed--that he certainly exhibited anxiety to render himself agreeable; and that there was a certain _something_ about his eye which none of them liked. It seemed as though he had in a manner two natures; and that one of them was watching the effect of the efforts made by the other to beguile!

CHAPTER XIII.

While, however, the Fates thus seemed to frown upon the aspiring attempts of Gammon towards Miss Aubrey, they smiled benignantly enough upon t.i.tmouse, and his suit with the Lady Cecilia. The first shock over--which no lively sensibilities or strong feelings of her Ladys.h.i.+p tended to protract, she began to get familiar with the person, manners, and character of her future lord, and in a measure reconciled to her fate. "When people understand that they _must_ live together," said a very great man, "they learn to soften, by mutual accommodation, that yoke which they know that they cannot shake off; they become good husbands and wives, from the necessity of remaining husbands and wives, for necessity is a powerful master in teaching the duties which it imposes."[33] The serene intelligence of Lady Cecilia having satisfied her that "IT WAS HER FATE" to be married to t.i.tmouse, she resigned herself to it tranquilly, calling in to her a.s.sistance divers co-operative reasons for the step which she had agreed to take. She could thereby accomplish at all events one darling object of her papa's--the reunion of the long and unhappily-severed family interests.

Then Yatton was certainly a delightful estate to be mistress of--a charming residence, and one which she might in all probability calculate on having pretty nearly to herself. The rent-roll was large and unenc.u.mbered, and would admit of a handsome jointure. On her accession to her own independent rank, the odious name of t.i.tmouse would disappear in the n.o.ble one of Lady Drelincourt, peeress in her own right, and representative of the oldest barony in the kingdom. Her husband would then become a mere cipher--no one would ever hear of him, or inquire after him, or think or care about him--a mere mote in the sunbeam of her own splendor. But, above all, thank Heaven! there were many ways in which a _separation_ might be brought about--never mind how soon after marriage: and a separation was becoming almost a matter of course, implying nothing derogatory to the character, or lessening to the personal consequence of the lady--who indeed was almost, as of course, recognized as an object of sympathy, rather than of suspicion or scorn.

These were powerful forces, all impelling her in one direction--and irresistibly. How could it be otherwise with one like _her_--a mere creature of circ.u.mstance? Notwithstanding all this, however, there were occasions when t.i.tmouse was presented to her in a somewhat startling and sickening aspect. It sometimes almost choked her to see him--ridiculous object!--in the company of gentlemen--to witness their treatment of him, and then reflect that he was about to become her--lord and master. One day, for instance, she accompanied the earl in the carriage to witness the hounds throw off, not far from Yatton, and where a very brilliant field was expected. There were, in fact, about two hundred of the leading gentlemen of the county a.s.sembled--and, dear reader, do try to picture to yourself the figure which t.i.tmouse must have presented among them--his quizzing-gla.s.s screwed into his eye, and clad in his little pink and leathers!--What a _seat_ was his! How many significant and scornful smiles, and winks, and shrugs of the shoulders did his appearance occasion among his bold and high-bred companions! And only about four or five minutes after they had "gone away"--on the occasion in question, this unhappy little sinner was thoroughly found out by the n.o.ble animal he rode; and who equally well knew _his own business_, and what he had _on_! In trying to take a dwarf wall, on the opposite side of an old green horsepond by the road-side, he urged his horse with that weak and indecisive impulse which only disgusted him; so he suddenly drew back at the margin of the pond--and over head and heels flew t.i.tmouse, descending plump on his head into the deep mud, where he remained for a moment or two, up to his shoulders, his little legs kicking about in the air--

"Who's that?" cried one--and another--and another--without stopping, any more than the Life Guards would have stopped for a sudden individual casualty in the midst of their tremendous charge at Waterloo--till the very last of them, who happened to be no less a person than Lord De la Zouch, seeing, as he came up, the desperate position of the fallen rider, reined up, dismounted, and with much effort and inconvenience aided in extricating t.i.tmouse from his fearful yet ludicrous position--and thus fortunately preserved to society one of its brightest ornaments. As soon as he was safe---a dismal spectacle to G.o.ds and men--his preserver, not disposed, by discovering who t.i.tmouse was, to supererogatory courtesy, mounted his horse, leaving t.i.tmouse in the care of an old woman whose cottage was not far off, and where t.i.tmouse, having had a good deal of the filth detached from him, remounted his horse and turned its head homewards--heartily disposed, had he but _dared_, cruelly to spur, and kick, and flog it; and in this pickle--stupid, and sullen, and crestfallen--he was overtaken and recognized by Lord Dreddlington and Lady Cecilia, returning from the field!

This was her future husband----

Then again--poor Lady Cecilia!--what thought you of the following, which was one of the letters he addressed to you?--Well might Miss Aubrey exclaim, "how I should like to see their correspondence!"

"The Albanny, Picadilly, London, 12th Oct. 18--.

"MY DEAR CECILIA,

"I take Up My pen To Inform you of Arriving safe Here, where Am sorry how^r. To say There Is No One which one knows except Tradespeople Going About and so Dull on Acc^t. of Customers Out of Town, Dearest love You Are the Girl of my Heart As I am of Your's, and am particular Lonely Alone Here and wish to be There _where she Is_ how I Long to Fold My dearest girl in My Arms hope You Don't Forget Me As soon As I am Absent do You often Think of _me_ w^h. I do indeed of _you_, and looking Forward to The Happy Days When We are United in the Happy bonds of Hymmen, never To part Again dearest I Was Driving yesterday In my New Cabb In the park, where whom Sh^d. I Meet but That Miss Aubrey W^h. they say (Between you And I and The post) is Truly in a Gallopping Consumption on Acc^t.

Of my Not Having Her A likely thing indeed that I ever car'd for Such an individule w^h. Never Did Only of you, Dearest What shall I Send you As A Gift Shall it Be In The cloathing Line, For there Is a Wonderful Fine and Choice a.s.sortm^t. of Cashmere Shawls and Most Remarkable Handsome Cloaks, All Newly arrived fr. Paris, Never Think Of The price w^h. Betwixt Lovers Goes For Nothing. However _Large the Figure_ Only Say what You Shall have and Down It shall Come And Now dearest Girl Adieu.

'Those Can't meet Again, who Never Part.'

dearest Your's to command till death. T. t.i.tMOUSE.

"P. T. O.--Love and Duty To My Lord (of Course) who shall Feel only Too happy to Call My Father-In-Law, the Sooner The better."

When poor Lady Cecilia received this exquisite epistle, and had read over only half a dozen lines of it, she flung it on the floor; threw herself down on the sofa in her dressing-room; and remained silent and motionless for more than an hour. When she heard Miss Macspleuchan knock at her door for admittance, Lady Cecilia started up, s.n.a.t.c.hed the letter from the floor, and thrust it into her dressing-case, before admitting her "humble companion."

A succession of such letters as the above might have had the effect upon Lady Cecilia's "_attachment_" to t.i.tmouse, which the repeated affusion of cold water would have upon the thermometer; but the crack-brained Fates still favored Mr. t.i.tmouse, by presently investing him with a character, and placing him in a position, calculated to give him personal dignity, and thereby redeem and elevate him in the estimation of his fastidious and lofty mistress--I mean that of candidate for a seat in Parliament--for the representation of a borough in which he had a commanding influence:--but this brings me to topics which must not be lightly handled.

After a national commotion commensurate with the magnitude of the boon which had been sought for, the great BILL FOR GIVING EVERYBODY EVERYTHING had pa.s.sed into a law, and the people were frantic with joy.

Its blooming first fruits were of a sort calculated to satisfy the public expectation, viz.--two or three earls were turned into marquises, and one or two marquises into dukes, and deservedly; for these great men had far higher t.i.tles to the grat.i.tude and admiration of the country, in exacting this second Magna Charta from King ----, than the stern old barons in extorting the first from King John--namely, they parted with vast substantial political power, for only a nominal _quid pro quo_, in the shape of a bit of ribbon or a strawberry leaf. Its next immediate effect was to cleanse the Augean stable of the House of Commons, by opening upon it the floodgates of popular will and popular opinion; and having utterly expelled the herd of ignorant and mercenary wretches which had so long occupied and defiled it, their places were to be supplied by a band of patriots and statesmen, as gifted as disinterested--the people's own enlightened, unbiased, and deliberate choice. Once put the government of the country--it was said--the administration of affairs--into hands such as these, and the inevitable result would be, the immediate regeneration of society, and the securing the greatest happiness to the greatest number. It was fearfully apparent that, under the old system, we had sunk into irredeemable contempt abroad, and were on the very verge of ruin and anarchy at home. So blessedly true is it, that when things come to the worst, they begin to mend! In short, the enlightened and enlarged const.i.tuencies began forthwith to look out for fit objects of their choice--for the best men; men of independent fortune; of deep stake in the welfare of the country; of spotless private and consistent public character; who, having had adequate leisure, opportunity, inclination, and capacity, had fitted themselves to undertake, with advantage to the nation, the grave responsibilities of statesmen and legislators. Such candidates, therefore, as Mr. t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse, became naturally in universal request; and the consequence was, such a prodigious flight of t.i.tmice into the House of Commons--but whither am I wandering? I have to do with only one little borough--that of Yatton in Yorks.h.i.+re. The Great Charter operated upon it, by _first_, in a manner, _amputating_ it of one of its members; _secondly_, extending its boundary--Grilston, and one or two of the adjacent places, being incorporated into the new borough; _thirdly_, by the introduction of the new qualification of voters. I have ascertained from a very high quarter--in fact, from a Cabinet Minister, _since deceased_[34]--a curious and important fact; viz. that had Mr.

t.i.tmouse failed in recovering the Yatton property, or been of different political opinions, in either of these cases, the little borough of Yatton was doomed to utter extinction: a circ.u.mstance which shows the signal vigilance, the accurate and comprehensive knowledge of local interest and capabilities, evinced by those great and good men who were remodelling the representation of the country. How little did my hero suspect that his political opinions, as newly-installed owner of Yatton, formed a topic of anxious discussion at more than one Cabinet council, previous to the pa.s.sing of the Great Bill! Upon such considerations did it--in fact--depend whether Yatton should be at once deposited in the sepulchre of "_Schedule A_;" or added to the dismal rank of surviving, but _maimed_ ones in "_Schedule B._" As its boundary was extended, so the const.i.tuency of Yatton was, as I have said, enlarged; the invaluable elective franchise being wisely given to those most in need of the advantages it could _immediately_ procure; and the fleeting nature of whose interest naturally enhanced their desire to consult the welfare of those who had a permanent and deep stake in its prosperity. Though, however, the change effected by the new act had so considerably added to the roll of electors, it had not given ground for serious apprehension as to the security of the seat of the owner of the Yatton property.

After a very long and private interview between Gammon and t.i.tmouse, in which something transpired which may be referred to hereafter, it was agreed that--(the New Writs having been issued within one week after the calmed and sobered new const.i.tuencies had been organized--which organization, again, had been wisely effected within a week or two after the pa.s.sing of the act which had created them)--Mr. t.i.tmouse should instantly scare away all compet.i.tion, by announcing his determination to start for the borough. As soon as this was known, a deputation from a club of the new electors in Grilston waited upon Mr. t.i.tmouse--to propose the pecuniary terms on which their support was to be obtained.

Hereat he was somewhat startled--but Gammon saw in it the legitimate working of the new system; and--nothing was ever better managed!--n.o.body was in any mischievous secret--neither party compromised; and yet the happy result was--that _one hundred and nine_ votes were in a trice secured in Grilston alone for Mr. t.i.tmouse. Then Gammon appointed Messrs. Bloodsuck and Son the local agents of t.i.tmouse; for whom he wrote an address to the electors--and, t.i.tmouse promising to have it printed forthwith, Mr. Gammon returned to town for a day or two. Nothing could have been more skilful than the doc.u.ment which he had prepared--at once terse, comprehensive, and showy; meaning everything, or nothing--(_dolosus semper versatur in generalibus_, was an observation of Lord c.o.ke's on which Gammon had kept his eye fixed in drawing up his "Address.") Yet it came to pa.s.s, that on the evening of the day of Gammon's departure, a Mr. Phelim O'Doodle, a splendid billiard-player, (in fact he had commenced life in the capacity of _marker_ to a billiard-table near Leicester Square,) and also one of the first members returned--only a few days before--for an Irish borough in the Liberal interest, chanced to take Yatton in his way to Scotland, (where he was going to officiate professionally at a grand match at billiards, at the house of an early patron, Sir Archibald M'Cannon,) from London; and being intimate with Mr. t.i.tmouse, from whom (to conceal nothing from the reader) he had borrowed a little money a few months before, to enable him to present himself to his intelligent and enthusiastic const.i.tuency--they sat down to canva.s.s the merits of the Address which the astute but _absent_ Gammon had prepared for t.i.tmouse. Mr. O'Doodle p.r.o.nounced it "divilish tame, and _maiger_;" comparing it to toddy, with the _whiskey omitted_: and availing himself of Gammon's draft as far as he approved of it, he drew up the following, which put t.i.tmouse into an ecstasy; and he sent it off the very next morning for insertion in the _Yorks.h.i.+re Stingo_. Here is an exact copy of that judicious and able performance--which I must own I consider quite a model in its way.

"_To the worthy and independent Electors of Yatton._

"GENTLEMEN,--His Majesty having been pleased to dissolve the late Parliament, under very remarkable and exciting circ.u.mstances, and, in the midst of the transports of enthusiasm arising out of the pa.s.sing of that second Great Charter of our Liberties, _the Act for Giving Everybody Everything_, with kindly wisdom, to call upon you to exercise immediately the high and glorious privilege of choosing your representative in the New Parliament, I beg leave to announce myself as a candidate for that distinguished honor. Gentlemen, long before I succeeded in establis.h.i.+ng my right to reside among you in my present capacity, I felt a deep interest in the welfare of the tenants of the property, and especially of those residing in the parts adjacent, and who are now so happily introduced into the const.i.tuency of this ancient and loyal borough. I trust that the circ.u.mstance of my ancestors having resided for ages within it, will not indispose you to a favorable reception of their descendant and representative. Gentlemen, my political opinions are those which led to the pa.s.sing of the Great Measure I have alluded to, and which are bound up in it. Without going into details, which are too multifarious for the limits of such an Address as the present, let me a.s.sure you, that though firmly resolved to uphold the agricultural interests of this great country, I am equally anxious to sustain the commercial and manufacturing interests; and whenever they are unhappily in fatal conflict with each other, I shall be found at my post, zealously supporting _both_, to the utmost of my ability. Though a sincere and firm member and friend of the Established Church, I am not insensible to the fearful abuses which at present prevail in it; particularly in its revenues, which I am disposed to lessen and equalize--devoting the surplus capital to useful purposes connected with the State, from which she derived them, as history testifies. I am bent upon securing the utmost possible lat.i.tude to every species of Dissent. In fact, I greatly doubt whether any form of religion ought to be '_established_' in a free country. While I am resolved to uphold Protestantism, I think I best do so, by seeking to remove all restrictions from the Catholics, who, I am persuaded, will sacredly abstain from endeavoring to promote their own interests at the expense of ours.

The infallible page of history establishes their humility, meekness, and moderation. Gentlemen, depend upon it, the established religion is most likely to flourish when surrounded by danger, and threatened by persecution; it has an inherent vitality which will defy, in the long run, all compet.i.tion, and there _must_ be compet.i.tion, or there can be no triumph. Gentlemen, I am for Peace, Retrenchment, and Reform, which are in fact the Three Polar Stars of my political conduct. I am an advocate for quarterly Parliaments, convinced that we cannot too often be summoned to give an account of our stewards.h.i.+p--and that the frequency of elections will occasion a wholesome agitation, and stimulus to trade. I am for extending the elective franchise to all, except those who are actually the inmates of a prison or a poor-house on the day of election; and for affording to electors the inviolable secrecy and protection of the Ballot. I am an uncompromising advocate of civil and religious liberty all over the globe; and, in short, of giving the greatest happiness to the greatest number. Gentlemen, before concluding, I wish to state explicitly, as the result of long and deep inquiry and reflection, that I am of opinion that every const.i.tuency is ent.i.tled, nay, bound, to exact from a candidate for its suffrages the most strict and minute pledges as to his future conduct in Parliament, in every matter, great or small, that can come before it; in order to prevent his judgment being influenced and warped by the dangerous sophistries and fallacies which are broached in Parliament, and protect his integrity from the base, sinister, and corrupt influences which are invariably brought to bear on public men. I am ready, therefore, to pledge myself to anything that may be required of me by any elector who may honor me with his support. Gentlemen, such are my political principles, and I humbly hope that they will prove to be those of the electors of this ancient and loyal borough, so as to warrant the legislature in having preserved it in existence, amid the wholesale havoc which it has just made in property of this description. Though it is not probable that we shall be hara.s.sed by a contest, I shall make a point of waiting upon you all personally, and humbly answering all questions that may be put to me: and should I be returned, rely upon it, that I will never give you occasion to regret your display of so signal an evidence of your confidence in me.--I have the honor to be, Gentlemen, your most obedient and humble servant,