The Fall of British Tyranny Part 13

CHAPLAIN. Very true, My Lord; David prayed that he might be preserved from secret enemies.

KIDNAPPER. Aye, so I've heard, but I look upon this to be a grand manoeuvre in politics; this is making dog eat dog--thief catch thief--the servant against his master--rebel against rebel--what think you of that, parson?

CHAPLAIN. A house divided thus against itself cannot stand, according to scripture--My Lord, your observation is truly scriptural.

KIDNAPPER. Scripture? poh, poh--I've nothing to do with scripture--I mean politically, parson.

CHAPLAIN. I know it very well; sure, My Lord, I understand you perfectly.

KIDNAPPER. Faith that's all I care for; if we can stand our ground this winter, and burn all their towns that are accessible to our s.h.i.+ps, and Colonel Connolly succeeds in his plan, there's not the least doubt but we shall have supplies from England very early in the spring, which I have wrote for; then, in conjunction with Connolly, we shall be able to make a descent where we please, and drive the rebels like hogs into a pen.

CHAPLAIN. And then gather them (as the scriptures say) as a hen gathereth her chickens.

KIDNAPPER. True, Mr. Scripture.

CAPTAIN SQUIRES. Very good, but you must take care of the hawks.

KIDNAPPER. What do you mean by the hawks, Captain?

CAPTAIN SQUIRES. I mean the s.h.i.+rt-men, the rifle-men, My Lord.

KIDNAPPER. Aye, d.a.m.n 'em, hawks indeed; they are cursed dogs; a man is never safe where they are, but I'll take care to be out of their reach, let others take their chance, for I see they have no respect to persons--I suppose they wou'd shoot at me, if I were within their reach.

CHAPLAIN. Undoubtedly, they would be more fond of you than of a wild turkey; a parcel of ignorant, unmannerly rascals, they pay no more respect to a Lord than they wou'd to a devil.

KIDNAPPER. The scoundrels are grown so d.a.m.n'd impudent too, that one can scarcely get a roasting pig now-a-days, but I'll be even with some of 'em by and by.

CHAPLAIN. I hope we shall get something good for our Christmas dinner--so much abstinence and involuntary mortification, cannot be good for the soul--a war in the body corporal is of more dangerous consequence than a civil war to the state, or heresy and schism to the church.

KIDNAPPER. Very true, parson--very true--now I like your doctrine--a full belly is better than an empty sermon; preach that doctrine;--stick to that text, and you'll not fail of making converts.

CHAPLAIN. The wisest of men said, there is nothing better, than that a man should enjoy that which he hath, namely, eat, drink, and be merry, if he can.

KIDNAPPER. You're very right--Solomon was no fool, they say--[_He sings._]

_Give me a charming la.s.s, Tw.a.n.gdillo cries, I know no pleasure, but love's sweet joys._

CHAPLAIN. [_Sings._]

_Give me the bottle, says the red face sot, For a wh.o.r.e I'd not give six-pence, not a groat._

Yet two is better than one, my Lord, for the scriptures further say, if one be alone, how can there be heat? You seem to be converted to that belief, for you have a brace of them, as the Boatswain says.

KIDNAPPER. Ha, ha. It's a pity but you were a bishop, you have the scriptures so pat--now I'll go and take a short nap, meanwhile; Captain, if any thing new happens, pray order my servant to wake me.

CAPTAIN SQUIRES. I will, my Lord.

[_Exit KIDNAPPER._

CHAPLAIN. And you and I'll crack a bottle, Captain; (bring a bottle, boy!) 'tis bad enough to perish by famine, but ten thousand times worse to be chok'd for want of moisture. His Lords.h.i.+p and two more make three; and you and I and the bottle make three more, and a three-fold cord is not easily broken; so we're even with him.

CAPTAIN SQUIRES. With all my heart.--Boy, bear a hand!

TOM. Coming, sir.

CHAPLAIN. Tom, Tom!--make haste, you scoundrel!--fetch two bottles. I think we can manage it.

_Enter TOM with the bottles._

CHAPLAIN. That's right, Tom.--Now bring the gla.s.ses, and shut the door after you.

[_Exit TOM._

SCENE VII. _In Boston. A council of war after the battle of Bunker's-Hill._

LORD BOSTON, ADMIRAL TOMBSTONE, ELBOW ROOM, MR. CAPER, GENERAL CLINTON, EARL PERCY.

LORD BOSTON. I fully expected, with the help of the last reinforcement you brought me over, and the advice and a.s.sistance of three accomplish'd and experienc'd Generals, I should have been able to have subdued the rebels, and gain'd immortal laurels to myself--have return'd to Old England like a Roman Consul, with a score or two of the rebel Generals, Colonels and Majors, to have grac'd my triumph.

ELBOW ROOM. You have been vastly disappointed, sir--you must not look for laurels (unless wild ones) nor expect triumphs (unless sham ones) from your own victories or conquests in America.

LORD BOSTON. And yet, not more disappointed than you, sir--witness your thrasonical speeches on your first landing, provided you had but elbow room--and Mr. Caper too, to bring over Monsieur Rigadoon, the dancing-master, and Signor Rosin, the fiddler forsooth; he thought, no doubt, to have country danc'd the rebels out of their liberty with some of his new cuts--with his soft music to have fascinated their wives and daughters, and with some of 'em, no doubt, to have taken the tour of America, with his reg'ment of fine, sleek, prancing horses, that have been feeding this six months on codfish tails; he thought to have grown fat with feasting, dancing, and drinking tea with the Ladies, instead of being the skeleton he now appears to be--not to mention any thing of his letter, wherein he laments Tom's absence; for[9] "had Tom been with him (he says) he wou'd have been out of danger, and quite secure from the enemy's shot."

PERCY. I think, Gentlemen, we're even with you now; you have had your mirth and frolic with us, for dancing "Yankee Doodle," as you called it, from Lexington.--I find you have had a severer dance, a brave sweat at Bunker's Hill, and have been obliged to pay the fiddler in the bargain.

CLINTON. However, Gentlemen, I approve (at proper seasons) of a little joking, yet I can by no means think (as we have had such bad success with our crackers) that this is a proper time to throw your squibs.

LORD BOSTON. I grant you, sir, this is a very improper time for joking; for my part, I was only speaking as to my own thoughts, when Mr. Elbow Room made remarks, which he might as well have spared.

ELBOW ROOM. I took you, sir, as meaning a reflection upon us for our late great loss, and particularly to myself, for expressing some surprise on our first landing, that you should suffer a parcel of ignorant peasants to drive you before 'em like sheep from Lexington; and I must own I was a little chagrin'd at your seeming so unconcern'd at such an affair as this (which had nearly prov'd our ruin), by your innuendoes and ironical talk of accomplish'd Generals, Roman Consuls and triumphs.

LORD BOSTON. My mentioning accomplish'd Generals, surely, sir, was rather a compliment to you.

ELBOW ROOM. When irony pa.s.s current for compliments, and we take it so, I shall have no objection to it.

MR. CAPER. The affair of Lexington, My Lord Boston, at which you were so much affrighted (if I am rightly inform'd), was because you then stood on your own bottom, this of Bunker's Hill you seem secretly to rejoice at, only because you have three accomplish'd and experienc'd Generals to share the disgrace with you, besides the brave Admiral Tombstone--you talk of dancing and fiddling, and yet you do neither, as I see.

LORD BOSTON. And pray, sir, what did you do with the commission, the post, the Duke of Grafton gave you, in lieu of your losses at Preston election, and the expenses of your trial at the king's bench for a riot, which had emptied your pockets?--Why you sold it--you sold it, sir--to raise cash to gamble with.----

ADMIRAL TOMBSTONE. d.a.m.n it, don't let us kick up a dust among ourselves, to be laugh'd at fore and aft--this is a h.e.l.l of a council of war--though I believe it will turn out one before we've done--a scolding and quarrelling like a parcel of d.a.m.n'd b.u.t.ter wh.o.r.es--I never heard two wh.o.r.es yet scold and quarrel, but they got to fighting at last.

CLINTON. Pray, Gentlemen, drop this discourse, consider the honour of England is at stake, and our own safety depends upon this day's consultation.

LORD BOSTON. 'Tis not for argument's sake--but the dignity of my station requires others should give up first.

ELBOW ROOM. Sir, I have done, lest you should also accuse me of obstructing the proceedings of the council of war.

MR. CAPER. For the same reason I drop it now.