Get the Guy Part 1

Get the Guy.

Matthew Hussey.

Dedication.

To the ultimate high-value woman, my mum.

Epigraph.

This moment contains all moments.

-C. S. LEWIS.

Introduction.

Love is hard.

You love someone who doesn't love you back. You fall out of love with a guy you thought you'd love forever. Someone you love disappoints you. Or he leaves you. You fall for someone, hard, then never hear from him again. You've been burned, shut out, and heartbroken.

Even at the best of times, love can be traumatizing, like being punched in the gut. But isn't it amazing that although love sucks, we still want it in our lives? We patch up our hearts and go forth, hoping to find our real true love. Why? Why risk it all again? Because nothing feels as good as being in love. There is nothing better than lying in bed on a Sunday morning with someone who drives you wild. Nothing like the sound of your beloved's voice when he simply says, "h.e.l.lo." There is no business opportunity, no promotion, no holiday, no amount of money that makes our hearts swell so.

Whatever your experiences with guys have been in the past, I know the odds are you will go out and try to find love again. This time, though, I'd like you to go back out with the tools and techniques that will help guarantee success in finding the man of your dreams.

So often I hear, where are all the good men? They're all around you! The problem is that you're not meeting them, simply because you haven't given yourself the opportunity to meet them. I'm not talking about meeting every player who's wagging his tongue at you from across the bar, but someone up to your standards, who's worth your time and attention.

Finding a guy isn't just about finding a guy. It's about living a life that engages you at every level and by extension creates opportunities for you to connect with many people. Some may well be guys you date, and one may be the man of your dreams. The real benefit to the techniques I teach is that you will raise the level at which you live your life. Women who live pa.s.sionate lives are inherently s.e.xy and attractive.

What I teach in this book is how you can be proactive in your love life without seeming desperate or easy, and how you can choose the man you want to meet but still get him to do the chasing. Most of all, I'll show you how to do this naturally, so that you never have to play games again.

When I was just starting to notice girls, I used to wonder how other guys always seemed to be able to get the girl they wanted, while I somehow always ended up with whoever would have me. It drove me mad.

Even at a young age, I knew that there were rules of attraction that eluded me. The frustration I felt about my own lack of prowess spurred me to teach myself how to become acquainted with the girls to whom I was attracted, how to talk to them, how to attract them, and how to win them.

Over the years, I became more confident and successful. I believed I had tapped into something I could share with others, and I started to coach other guys on how to do the same for themselves. My coaching business grew quickly, and over the course of a few years, I worked with more than ten thousand guys on how to attract women. By trying to overcome my own limitations I wound up developing a widespread reputation throughout the United Kingdom for helping guys with their love lives. I was featured in a major doc.u.mentary and dubbed in the press as a real-life Hitch, after the 2005 romantic comedy starring Will Smith as a professional "date doctor."

One day I was giving a talk to a room full of three hundred guys, and to break the ice I asked, "So, who here wants to get laid?" There wasn't a single woman in the room. There was no reason for them to be anything but honest. You would think they would all raise their hands. What guy doesn't want to get laid, right? But only 60 percent of them raised their hands. Then I asked, "Who here wants to find a great relations.h.i.+p?" And do you know what happened? Every single hand in the room went up.

It turns out that men want what women want: a lasting, meaningful relations.h.i.+p.

I couldn't stop thinking about that show of hands. If women knew this about men, I thought, it might make them feel more optimistic about finding true love.

At first, the thought of coaching women seemed daunting. How could I possibly understand a woman's point of view? Why would anyone listen to me? I'm a guy. How could I possibly help? But then the idea struck me that I knew what guys were thinking. I had spent years learning about what makes guys tick and what they were looking for. What if I took all of that acquired intelligence and shared it with women so they could use it to find love? I could help them get noticed, get dates, and get treated with respect. Perhaps I could even help them to get the proposal of marriage so many of my female friends thought was out of reach.

I created some basic and practical steps for women to follow and then hosted a small gathering for the women in my life. At this meeting, I distilled and divulged what I'd learned about the way men think and how women could use this to their advantage. We worked on elegant techniques the women could use to influence men without ever looking as if they were doing anything. I offered subtle ways in which they could be proactive in their love lives, ways that would slip completely under a guy's radar, so that they could choose the guy they wanted and orchestrate his attraction.

The key to making it all work is striking the perfect balance between being proactive and being high value. (There's plenty in this book on the subject of being a high-value woman. More about that later.) I had no idea how this would all go over, but my friends were floored. They'd never heard these things before, certainly never from a guy. In some ways, I felt as if I was betraying my own s.e.x by coming over to fight for the other side, but I really wanted to bring some a.s.sistance to my female friends. Even though I believed every word of what I told these women, what happened next was crazy.

Within the next week my single friends began getting dates with men who appealed to them. Those in relations.h.i.+ps started saying their boyfriends were treating them with more respect, admiration, and attraction. Men who had never said, "I love you" started saying it for the first time; one even proposed, though previously he had said he never would. Three months later, the women who'd been single were in relations.h.i.+ps with guys they adored.

Word spread. Women I didn't know started calling me, asking for advice. E-mails flooded my inbox from women with dating and relations.h.i.+p questions. I began conducting private coaching sessions. Every week, I'd receive phone calls at all hours of the night from women in far-flung time zones.

This was the beginning of what would be a years-long journey of working with fifty thousand women in Get the Guy events, and with millions online, to help them find love. Through Get the Guy, I now host everything from weekend events aimed at transforming women's love lives to transformative five-day retreats held all over the world. The contents of this book are the result of what I have been thinking about, teaching, and refining over the past four years.

During the Get the Guy weekend course, I give women the A to Z on everything they need to know, from where to meet the right guys and how to attract them, to how to make the guy they've chosen desire a relations.h.i.+p that will last a lifetime. I've utilized thousands of real-life case studies to road test every technique and theory. My mission is to share every piece of secret information about men that I have been privy to in order to transform women's love lives.

The evening of the first day of the event, I send these women out into the world with a simple mission to practice everything they'd learned that day. They talk, flirt, and have fun in ways they'd never experienced. The next morning they return to the seminar and recount their stories. Women who haven't had a date in years tell of how they already have several dates set up for the next week. It is my hope that you will do the same after reading this book.

Get the Guy is meant to be a double entendre. It will help you land a mate, if that's what you desire, but it will also help you "get" the guy-to understand how men think, what they really want, how they view women, relations.h.i.+ps, s.e.x, and commitment. However, even though I reveal a lot of secrets about the male mind, this book isn't about guys, it's about you. There's nothing I say here that isn't designed to help you. Some of it might strike you as a little blunt, but were I writing a book for men I would be just as direct about what they should be doing to find women, and believe me, the book would be much longer. While I can't help you by telling you what's wrong with men, I can help by telling you how to utilize men's needs and desires to find the one worthy of your love. Think of me as your personal insider, the guy in your corner.

I know there is a lot of information out there about how to improve your love life. There's the makeover crowd, who focus on fixing your appearance to the exclusion of your behavior, and the therapy crowd, who delve into your deepest psychological and emotional barriers to help you overcome obstacles. These are the shallow and deep ends of the spectrum and may well have value. But what you really need to know are the logistics necessary to go about finding, meeting, and getting the guy, and then what to do with him once you've got him.

With a proper model, you will be successful. No matter who you are, what you look like, what you do for work, whether you've been married before, whether you have kids, whether you're shy or outgoing, tall or short, blond or redhead, you can have the kind of love life you desire. It has nothing to do with luck or fate or Cupid showing up with bow and arrow. Your love life is not determined by romantic notions and magical thinking, but rather by a set of conditions that everyone and anyone can create.

My model is based on three basic ideas: 1. Learning simple, new behaviors that allow you to meet more guys and choose those you like 2. Understanding how men think and what they want 3. Creating a high-value lifestyle that will draw men to you and satisfy you with or without your guy The book is organized by techniques for finding the guy, getting the guy, and keeping the guy.

"Finding the Guy" will teach you how to meet more men, get them to approach you, and engage in conversation that will tell you within minutes whether you want to get to know a guy better. This part of the book focuses primarily on how to increase your odds of meeting the right guy. While some of it may seem daunting, it's the millimeter s.h.i.+fts in behavior that transform our lives and love lives.

"Getting the Guy" deals with methods for creating attraction and deepening your connection to find out if this is a guy you want in your life.

Finally, "Keeping the Guy" focuses on the work that we all have to do when we finally find the love of our life. You will learn that the theories that apply in the beginning are also relevant at the end. The practices you develop and hold dear will help you to enjoy the love life you've been hoping for.

One last note: As you go through the book you'll see sidebars that contain links to online videos designed to help you visualize the techniques in the book. If you don't have online access, or you are not inclined to move off the page, the book stands on its own.

However, I wanted to overdeliver for you, so I have taken strategic snippets from my live seminars-which women fly from all over the world to attend-and put them online. In these videos, I speak directly to you with the hope that your reading experience is enhanced, and you get the most from this book.

If you'd like to get started with these videos immediately, go to www.gettheguybook.com/members and enter the code: gtgbook. And here is my promise to you: if you read this book, watch the videos, and truly put the advice into practice, you will meet more guys, your love life will improve, and ultimately so will your life. So let's get started!

PART ONE.

Find the Guy.

1.

Put the Odds in Your Favor.

How many guys do you meet in an average week?

And when I say "meet," I refer to a genuine social interaction, where you engage with a man, eye contact and all, for anywhere from five minutes of chatting to a full two-hour conversation. But it has to be a conversation, not just collecting your mail from the postman (unless of course he's new and you turn him into a social connection).

If your answer is none, or even one, how long do you think it's going to take you to meet the guy? I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt: let's say you meet one new man every week. How long will it take to meet Mr. Right if you are meeting only one new man in an average week? I'm not a mathematician, but the odds are pretty long. What makes them even longer is that these interactions are probably happening by chance, and certainly not because they are men you have selected yourself.

This isn't the case for only you. If I asked the same question of a male reader, the number would be just as small. Both s.e.xes are guilty of leaving their love lives to chance. Blame it on the fairy tales we're read as kids, blame it on Hollywood, but the fact remains that we've come to believe that true love is the product of fate. We've all been led to believe that someday it will just "happen," that one day fate will drop the person of our dreams right next to us while we're standing at a stoplight. The fate-will-bring-me-love approach lacks urgency, which leads to lack of action. You a.s.sume that "when the time is right" the right guy will come along, and in the meantime you focus on your work, your ambitions, your family, your friends, your hobbies. That's not to say that these are not all highly fulfilling aspects of your life in their own right, but I want to help you understand how within these essential parts of your life are opportunities to find the man of your dreams. When people put aside their love life to focus on these other areas, years pa.s.s, and one day the lack of urgency turns into panic. We become frantic as we realize that not only is nothing happening in our love life, but we are at a loss as to how to make it happen, which of course leads to more panic, creating a loop of frustration, at best, or worse, hopelessness. You may be reading this book because you keep asking yourself (and perhaps your sisters, girlfriends, and coworkers), "Where are all the good men to be found?" If you're gradually coming to the realization that fate isn't cooperating, you might be on the verge of seeing that you're going to have to be proactive. You are going to have to go out and find him.

And how do you find him?

It's a very simple principle: To meet more men you have to, er, meet more men!

Waiting or Creating A word of encouragement before you set out to meet the man of your dreams: Life is full of people who wait. They wait for the right moment to approach someone, or wait for someone to approach them first. They wait for someone to show enough interest that they don't risk being rejected, they wait to be invited, and they wait to make a move. They wait to feel confident before taking action. Wait, wait, wait, for everything.

"Waiters" imagine they are playing it safe, but more often than not, only two things come to those who wait: the wrong thing or no-thing.

Ask yourself: Right now, at this very moment, am I waiting or am I creating? Am I taking the positive steps which will give me results in my love life? (If your answer is no, take heart; simply by reading this book you are already taking action, seeking the knowledge that will enable you to make the changes necessary to make rapid progress.) There's an added benefit to taking your life into your own hands: when you know you are doing everything in your power to improve your situation, you can be content even if the results aren't immediate. The knowledge that you are moving forward, improving, and developing in a significant way is what makes humans happy.

Wherever you feel you are right now, you still have a choice: you can wait or you can create.

There is only one way to wait: just do nothing. But there are thousands of ways to create, so the opportunities are endless.

START CREATING NOW.

I've produced a special video to help you start creating.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/create Access code: gtgbook Throwing the Net Wide I know your goal is not to meet as many men as possible, but to meet your man, the one who is going to add more meaning to your life. Setting aside for a moment the logic that you can't meet your man if you don't meet any men, there is another reason to throw the net wide.

Let's say that you meet only one man in three years. You might think he is fine-or, even better, perfect for you. But since you have nothing to compare him with, you risk settling for less than you deserve. No one is perceptive enough to call it correctly with only one choice.

As much as you might love to act like a marksman, picking out a single target, taking aim, and shooting, you can't just pick your ideal man out of the crowd with Cupid's single shot. I suspect you've already discovered on occasion that even when you think you have hit the bull's-eye, you have instead missed the mark completely! A single shot does not allow you to choose the best for yourself. And, you never, ever want to settle.

If you want to have a better chance of finding the right guy, you have to begin with meeting more men. Not one more, not two more, but a lot more. The more men you meet, the more you increase your chances of finding the right one.

Imagine attending a party where there are two hundred men in the room. Out of these two hundred guys, how many would you feel even remotely attracted to? Maybe twenty? Out of this twenty, there might be only ten to whom you felt enough attraction to consider a first date. From this remaining ten, how many would you feel sufficient chemistry with to want to date again? Five? And from these five last men standing, there may be only one with whom you could deeply connect. Many might say that even these figures are wildly optimistic. In which case, how long will it take to find your guy if you're meeting only one new man each week? Anywhere from four years to . . . you won't live that long. In this scenario, you're left relying on fate, which is like hoping to get rich playing the lottery.

Time Out: Reality Check I'm not a mind reader, but I do have quite a bit of experience hearing directly from women some common complaints about men that simply are not true. I want to share a collection of stubborn myths about guys and love that refuse to go away. These mad and bad beliefs do you no good and only hold you back: There are no good men out there ("All the men I meet are either gay, taken, or weird").

Guys only want someone hotter and prettier than me.

Guys don't like women who approach them first.

Guys only want a low-maintenance woman, not someone who will challenge them.

Guys don't want to commit, they only want casual flings and s.e.x.

Every single one of these is a myth. Sadly, they are not only false, but they are dangerous to hold on to and often become excuses for all that is wrong in your love life.

Most of us have had painful experiences in love. It's one of life's biggest, most unforgettable experiences. Love hurts, as the song says. But when we have been let down by someone, we have to be careful not to let that experience, however awful, become our sole reference point for future relations.h.i.+ps.

I'll make you a deal. If you set aside all the myths and generalizations, if you set aside whatever bad experiences you may have had with men and refuse to allow them to color your judgment, I will reveal to you all the facets and secrets of the male mind, the good, the bad, and all the things he desires from the woman in his life.

The Philosophy of the Funnel Now that you are committed to expanding your options by meeting a lot more men, I am going to offer a proven system, a method to all of this man-meeting. It is a process best visualized as a series of funnels.

The first funnel is the largest, into which you pour all the new men you meet. (We'll get to the part about how you are going to meet all these new men in a few pages . . . stay with me.) The funnel acts as a filter, and only the guys you're attracted to pa.s.s through to the second funnel.

The second funnel then filters out all the guys you don't want to date. These would be the guys who may seem attractive at first glance, but you don't have any immediate chemistry with them for you to want to make real time for them. Only those guys you're genuinely interested in spending time with drop into the third funnel. Of those, only a select few will pa.s.s into the fourth funnel, those who are worth more than just one date. Of course the final filtering will result in finding the guy with whom you want a relations.h.i.+p. We will dig into that process in the second and third parts of the book. For now, we are simply getting you to the place of opportunity.

The process is clear and obvious, but there is one important principle I want to emphasize: the first funnel is where we are least selective. The first funnel is not about attraction. It is about meeting new people, both men and women.

The first funnel is about getting out there. It's about joining the human race. It's about practicing conversation and flirting. It's about interacting and entertaining and allowing ourselves to be entertained. Out into the world you go, with the goal of meeting as many guys as possible, so that you have more guys to pour into the first funnel. Pouring only three guys into that first funnel makes it highly unlikely that the right guy will come out the other end. Pouring in every guy who doesn't strike you as a potential serial killer makes your chances much higher that at the end the right one will emerge.

Part of the reason you're tossing every guy into the first funnel is to create the habit of giving a lot of guys a chance, early on. Most of us are so focused on meeting The One that we wind up not meeting anyone. If I could, I would tattoo this on your palm: every interaction with another human being is a possible gateway to some new world or experience, which could, in turn, introduce you to the love of your life.

There are other good reasons to meet as many men as you can: Abundance, not scarcity When you meet lots of men, you put less focus on any one man. Approaching your love life from a position of abundance rather than scarcity helps to put the odds in your favor. It is making simple economics work for you.

As much as you might be agonizing over one guy, always remember, men are 50 percent of the population. You are not the luckiest woman in the world when you meet one you like, and you aren't the unluckiest woman in the world when the guy you like doesn't like you back. Scarcity makes us settle. If you believe that there aren't many good guys out there, you'll invest far too much in the first decent man you do meet, even if he's far from being the right one. Abundance, on the other hand, leads to choice and confidence. Abundance comes when we start increasing the number of men going into that first funnel. As soon as you heartily believe that there are plenty of men out there, you can adopt an easy come, easy go att.i.tude and begin to have fun with all of this.

Creating new habits Make a habit of talking to new people. It will do wonders for increasing your basic social skills, which will in turn boost your confidence. You will find yourself creating attraction simply by becoming more at ease engaging with someone you don't know or whom you've just met. This happens simply by doing it more often, and applies not only for men but for anyone at all: women, children, young and old. If you are in the habit of meeting more people in general, it will by default lead you to meet more men. Why do you think you revert back to a being a blus.h.i.+ng, nervous schoolgirl when that hot guy approaches you? Because you're out of practice. You can't instantly summon your best, most confident self for the hot guy if you've never developed your skills by talking to everyone.

Because you're choosing The more new men you meet, the more you'll have to choose from. This will allow you to be selective. We should all be extremely fussy when it comes to love. The person you spend most of your time with, are intimate with, share your life with, and whom you trust the most needs to be extraordinary for you specifically. There are extraordinary people everywhere, but it will take some filtering to find that certain someone who fills your particular needs and desires. Logically, then, to find that special person, you will need to increase your chances of success by meeting many men.

The idea of treating our love life like a large filter system might not seem like the most romantic approach to the dating process, but as we've seen, leaving it to fate also leaves us with no sense of agency in our lives. The fact that we can apply workable strategies to create the results we want doesn't make our love, once we find it, any less real, meaningful, s.e.xy, or romantic.

Yes, I know. Some people do get lucky.

I once knew a young woman named Jane who, while sitting in her first college cla.s.s waiting for the lecturer to arrive, met the love of her life. An attractive and friendly young man happened to sit down right next to her. They joked together, and went for coffee after the lecture. A month later they were seeing each other regularly and ultimately began a relations.h.i.+p that lasted throughout her university years. She told all her friends that he was The One. She envisaged getting married at twenty-five, with kids to follow a couple of years later. She had it all planned out. Her friends were a little envious. They wondered how it was so easy for her.

Then one day, Jane's boyfriend, The One, tells told her he needed to do his own thing for a while. He wasn't ready for marriage, and though he loved her, there was so much more he felt he needed to do before settling down. All of a sudden, at age twenty-five, Jane found herself back in the dating game, heartbroken and wondering where and how she would ever meet someone again.

She patiently waited for another Mr. Right to come along, but nothing happened. She daydreamed that perhaps the guy sitting at the next desk at her new job would be attractive and friendly and introduce himself, just as her first love did. Then, when she began the job, not only was the guy in the next desk neither friendly nor attractive, he didn't even bother to make conversation. She spent Friday and Sat.u.r.day nights going out with her friends, talking about how impossible it was to find someone like the man she once had. She had won the lottery of love at eighteen and spent seven years enjoying the winnings. But at twenty-five she was bankrupt, and now she was seven years older without any idea how to get back out there. Because her limited experience had taught her that the right man was supposed to sit down next to you and start a relations.h.i.+p with you on an unexpected day, she had no skills to make it happen.

Most lottery winners (even those who win millions) find a way to go broke again. And when they do go broke, they don't know how to make that money again because when it happened the first time it was by pure chance. They have no formula they can replicate. Those who are successful in business, on the other hand, know that going broke isn't the end of the world. They have the skills to get back into the game and create something from nothing, and know that waiting will get them nowhere. Likewise, those who know how to go out and find a relations.h.i.+p don't panic when they're single.

Jane thought her only option was to sit around and wait.

Nonsense.

Rituals: The Best-Kept Secret of the Successful Rituals are the best-kept secret of anyone who has ever succeeded in business, love, fitness, family life, learning a foreign language, or any other area. The dictionary says a ritual is an "action or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed," or alternatively, an "action that is repeated continuously in the same way." Rituals are usually enacted for positive results. Following rituals creates a positive a.s.sociation, which in turn results in a positive outcome. I often quote Keith Cunningham's simple but effective mantra: "Ordinary things done consistently produce extraordinary results." This is as true in our love life as in every other aspect of our lives.