Get the Guy Part 11

What matters most at the moment of heartbreak is the meaning we ascribe to our pain. We may feel devastated because we believe we've just lost our soul mate. And that's often what we do feel in that moment. When we are deep in heartbreak we feel like we have lost the only person in the world for whom we are capable of feeling this level of emotion. We can't imagine ever loving anyone else.

If we invest in this belief, not only will it increase our suffering, it will also make it more difficult for anyone else to come into our life, because we feel like we've already lost The One. Nothing else seems to matter. We lose our drive, our ambition, and our ability to take even baby steps forward.

But there's another way to look at it.

Consider this: the pain doesn't come from losing your soul mate, but from the disappointment that this guy wasn't your soul mate. It's sad, but it's not catastrophic. And if you look at it this way-that in some regard, he failed to live up to your values and standards, so how could he have been your soul mate?-the pain is likely to be less severe. I don't mean to minimize the amount it hurts. I've been there, believe me. But by grieving only for your disappointment and dashed expectations, you allow yourself to remain open to the next guy who comes along. It's a much more manageable type of pain. We can now say more easily, "Although I'm hurt right now, this person wasn't right for me. Now I can allow myself to find the right person."

This might sound like a small difference, but just allowing ourselves to take on this more correct understanding of what has happened can free us to move forward. And remember, none of our efforts will have been in vain. We are always learning more about ourselves and our relations.h.i.+ps with others. Every experience adds richness to our character, which in turn informs the depth of connection we can make going forward.

NEVER LOOK BACK.

I'm going to tell you how to get over any guy once and for all.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/getoverhim Access code: gtgbook

19.

What Guys Really Think About the C-Word Guys aren't born scared of commitment. There's not a gene on the Y chromosome that makes a guy prefer his c.r.a.ppy apartment and video games to a relations.h.i.+p with you.

Usually, somewhere along the way a guy has a bad experience with a girl and develops strong negative a.s.sociations with commitment. If a guy has suffered in love, his first impulse is not to examine the complexities of the relations.h.i.+p. Indeed, he doesn't want to think about it at all. He's had his heart stomped on, and it's far easier to blame Women, or Relations.h.i.+ps, than it is to think too deeply about what went wrong. He turns into a committed bachelor out of a desire to keep himself from getting hurt again. You know this guy. He frequently use phrases like "I don't want to be tied down," "I just want to be free and single," "I just want to enjoy myself and have no responsibilities."

These phrases may make women roll their eyes, and justifiably so, but they also reveal something about the pain men sometimes a.s.sociate with commitment.

The Truth About Men and the Single Life-Mr. Bachelor For Mr. Bachelor, the idea of "settling down" conjures up an image of a bored couple sitting at home on a Friday night watching soap operas, or spending all day Sat.u.r.day doing household ch.o.r.es. Committing to a relations.h.i.+p looks like the end of all the fun. This perception is reinforced because every guy has a friend who used an excuse like this: "Sorry I can't play poker on Sat.u.r.day, I promised my girlfriend that I would stay home and hang with her." The girlfriend's showing up with the friend to poker night is simply the other side of this dreaded scenario. The thought that "I" means "we" once he's in a relations.h.i.+p is a real obstacle for Mr. Bachelor. He fears his separate life will end forever.

The modern guy is also bombarded with messages that affect the way he views his ideal lifestyle. Think about the kind of guys who are held up as alpha males on television and in movies. To risk using the a.n.a.logy one time too often, James Bond's defining characteristics are that he is handsome, suave, perfectly built, impeccably dressed, decisive, and always certain of himself. He also happens to be completely irresistible to women. What's more, he gets to seduce a different woman in every single film, and at the end of that film, either he moves on to someone else or she dies. Consider, for another example, Mad Men's Don Draper, a wealthy advertising genius, who enjoys complete authority in his world. Everyone looks up to him, and guess what. Despite being married (in the early seasons), he sleeps with whomever he pleases.

Mr. Bachelor may aspire to the cool, powerful lives of James Bond and Don Draper, but most will settle for being like the guys in The Hangover, hanging out with their bros and avoiding as much responsibility as possible. These guys aren't high powered, but at least they're free to mess around and do what they please. And maybe-who knows?-they might get laid along the way.

Conversely, the wives and girlfriends in these shows and films are often portrayed as too serious and fun-killing. Women must be resisted if you want to keep having fun. Their sole aim in life is to shut down the party and get you hitched as soon as possible.

I'm not suggesting that guys have been completely brainwashed by the culture, but they have been powerfully influenced by it. Worse, that influence is reinforced by their buddies, who watch and absorb the same entertainment and feel the same way. Earlier in the book, you read about how tough it is for a guy to leave his friends and walk across the room to say h.e.l.lo to a woman he finds attractive. This is not dissimilar. If a guy pals around with a group of other single guys, chances are he's going to live in a way that supports being single. What guy hasn't heard from his single friends, "Women just want to pin you down" or "As soon as you get married and have kids you can kiss your dreams good-bye." That those dreams are likely fallacies is beside the point. Mr. Bachelor isn't eager to meet your parents or go shopping for engagement rings.

Why he thinks he's not ready for commitment Mr. Bachelor imagines his twenties as a golden era in which he envisions himself living with no responsibilities. During this decade he travels and has many awesome adventures, including lots of crazy s.e.xual experiences. He dreams of dating lots of different women with no repercussions. It's a period of ultimate freedom, where he can do everything and anything he wants, without answering to anybody.

Sometime after his thirtieth birthday he'll meet the "right girl." (Women are often portrayed as the romantic ones who dream about meeting a great guy to settle down with, but men are exactly the same.) She'll show up on the scene when he's ticked off every item on his wild and crazy single guy's 101 Things to Do Before the Ball and Chain list. Then, when he's reached a certain level of financial stability and he feels that he can provide in some essential way, he'll be ready to settle down.

Of course, this is completely unrealistic. Most guys get to their midthirties and realize they haven't done all those things they thought they were going to do in their twenties. They haven't been jet-setting around the world, haven't been sleeping with a new hot babe every other night, and haven't come close to reaching the peak of their career.

Now, even if the guy is fortunate enough to meet the perfect woman, he still doesn't feel ready. He's afraid of commitment, because it means all these mad adventures he's been hoping to have, all of the wild s.e.x with dozens of women, will now never happen. He may even experience panic, thinking, I'm not supposed to meet this woman yet. I'm not ready to settle down.

What single life is like for most guys Boring. And lonely.

Unless he's a rock star, a guy isn't living a life of threesomes and driving through Italy in a Ferrari with supermodels. He's not traveling the world living on a sailboat, or inventing a product he can sell to a corporation for half a billion dollars.

For most guys, being single means sitting at home getting drunk with friends and watching movies, or going to nightclubs and trying to find the courage to dance with a girl and eventually ask for her phone number, or texting a girl he doesn't care about just to feel good about himself. If he's lucky, he might land himself a one-night stand. (Take it from a guy, we're always having much less s.e.x than women imagine.) So why do men remain so attached to the single life? While it's true that the monumental influence of culture has led them to romanticize a reality that doesn't exist, most guys, who are neither shut-ins nor extremely shy, have had a few adventures they cherish. They may be few and far between, but there was that day he went skydiving. There was that trip to Vegas. There's always Sat.u.r.day poker nights.

The first thing a woman does in a relations.h.i.+p is to change things, or so he a.s.sumes. Remember, he is taking his cues from pop culture. She comes over to his apartment and there go the neon beer signs, his favorite chair, and his life-size cardboard Darth Vader. There go his Sat.u.r.day poker night and the nights when he just sits around in his boxers playing video games and eating three-day-old pizza.

It's not that he's having such a great time being single, but that as long as he is single, he has a perceived freedom that he is unwilling to give up. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind he is thinking, What if that fabulous life is about to present itself at any moment? If he commits, the fantasy of that life dies. If he chooses the wrong girl, he gives up his freedom for naught.

Why He Leaves You, Then Marries the Next Woman He Meets Typically, when a single guy finds himself in a relations.h.i.+p sometime in his late twenties or early thirties before he thinks he's ready, he goes along with his girlfriend's program. He may genuinely love her. He may genuinely have a terrific time with her. She may enrich his life beyond measure. Still, he believes he's just not ready.

Time pa.s.ses. Then more time pa.s.ses. They argue, because he doesn't want to spend the Christmas holidays with her parents. Or he wants to go camping with his pals instead of to her best friend's baby shower. Eventually, it comes out: she wants more commitment. Maybe she gives him an ultimatum, saying, "Look, where are we going? Are we serious or not? Because if not, then I can't do this anymore." Now he has a choice. Stay with her, or take his chances being single? Faced with an ultimatum, a guy who is inclined toward the single life will always choose it over the risk of being "trapped" in a relations.h.i.+p, where he believes he'll have too many serious responsibilities, and where it will mean the end of his (imaginary) adventures and autonomy.

He breaks up with his girlfriend or, more likely, he behaves so badly, she's forced to break up with him. Now, he's single again. Hooray! But after a few months of the usual routine, sitting around his apartment drinking with his pals and watching movies, going out to clubs and standing around, it dawns on him that this thing he thought he wanted-freedom!-isn't all it was cracked up to be.

Once he's truly absorbed the truth, he's susceptible to tumbling back into a relations.h.i.+p with the first woman he dates. Maybe he even marries her.

You know what happens next. The first girlfriend, the one he had to leave because he didn't want to commit, gets wind of this and thinks, What the f.u.c.k? He told me he didn't want to commit! What she fails to realize is that a guy's ability to delude himself about the glories of being single is immense, and until he gets a reality check or two, he's unlikely to give it up, even for a relations.h.i.+p with someone wonderful. It's the rare man who doesn't reach middle age and feel a tinge of regret about the one who got away.

Enter Mr. Relations.h.i.+p Of course, many young guys enter committed relations.h.i.+ps and get married all the time. They marry their college sweethearts at age twenty-four and are parents by twenty-six. They meet a girl on holiday at twenty-eight and boom, six months later, they're married. Even though Mr. Relations.h.i.+p might miss and even grieve his single life, he understands without a doubt that his perfect woman makes his life much better than it was before.

Mr. Relations.h.i.+p loves s.e.xual variety, adventure, and excitement as much as Mr. Bachelor does, but Mr. Relations.h.i.+p a.s.sociates these aspects of life with being in a relations.h.i.+p. To Mr. Relations.h.i.+p, having a steady girlfriend, fiancee, or wife means having fantastic s.e.x, since having a committed partner means having regular s.e.x with someone who knows his every quirk and turn-on. He views the woman in his life as someone with whom he can share amazing adventures and experiences. They can backpack through Thailand, go on safari in Kenya, or spend a few weeks together in Paris. With her he experiences companions.h.i.+p and the joy of going through life with someone who understands him at the deepest level. To him, relations.h.i.+ps are the ultimate pleasure.

What's more, unlike Mr. Bachelor, Mr. Relations.h.i.+p usually has no illusions about the single life. To him, the single life equals boredom, loneliness, and awkward one-night stands with the occasional girl who doesn't really know what turns him on s.e.xually.

To sum it up, for Mr. Bachelor being single equals s.e.xual satisfaction, adventure, and excitement, and for Mr. Relations.h.i.+p being in a relations.h.i.+p equals s.e.xual satisfaction, adventure, and excitement. The difference between Mr. Bachelor and Mr. Relations.h.i.+p is not that they have different needs. It's not as if Mr. Bachelor needs more s.e.xual partners than Mr. Relations.h.i.+p, or that Mr. Relations.h.i.+p needs more intimacy and connection than Mr. Bachelor. It's not that one guy needs a more adventurous lifestyle while another craves a more domestic lifestyle. The only difference between Mr. Bachelor and Mr. Relations.h.i.+p is the emotions they a.s.sociate with commitment.

The Good News There's an old Jesuit maxim, "Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man." For our purposes this means that if you fall in love with a cool twenty-seven-year-old software designer who loves to work all night, sleep all day, and spend all his money on expensive scotch and Mexican vacations, your odds of changing him into someone who goes to bed at 9 p.m. and tucks every last penny into high-yield CDs is exactly zero.

My point: you can't change someone. I know you know this, but I wanted to be clear about it because even though you can't change a guy's character or personality, you can alter his emotional a.s.sociations. You cannot change his basic male needs or desires, but you can change his perception of where those needs can be met within a relations.h.i.+p.

I'm not suggesting you try to logically convince a Mr. Bachelor that a relations.h.i.+p is a good idea. As I said earlier, he a.s.sociates commitment with the end of everything potentially good in his life, and sitting him down and lecturing him about the benefits of being in a relations.h.i.+p with you only underscores what he already thinks he knows about women: they are first and foremost fun-killers. Even if you were the captain of the debate team and can make the best possible argument for commitment, you still couldn't talk your way into making him think it's a good idea. A guy can't be convinced that he should want a relations.h.i.+p. He has to come to the decision on his own.

But, as we know, actions speak much louder than words. Through your behavior you can show him that being with you is the most fulfilling, varied, adventurous, and s.e.xually satisfying experience he'll ever have, turning your Mr. Bachelor into Mr. Relations.h.i.+p.

FROM CASUAL TO COMMITTED.

I talk to a hard-core player who completely changed his mindset on commitment.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/commitment Access code: gtgbook

20.

The s.e.x Talk (Part II) There's a moment on the TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm that sums up the stereotypical married male's position regarding s.e.x. Larry David is in bed with his wife, who complains, "Why am I always the one who initiates s.e.x?" to which Larry replies, "Just a.s.sume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder."

The line is funny because it's completely accurate.

Let's get one thing straight. I know that this isn't always the case. There are some women who find themselves with men whose s.e.x drive is not as active as their own. But what I am addressing in this chapter is how s.e.x relates to the male ego.

The moment your guy decides to be in a committed relations.h.i.+p with you, he has given you permission to be the keeper of his masculinity. I suspect most women don't realize how much trust this involves on the guy's part. He's tasking you, his one and only, with validating his sense of himself as a man. And like it or not, the greatest form of validation is s.e.x. You can take his jacket when he offers it, bake his favorite pie, and fawn over his ability to kill the spider in the bathroom, but if you're not that interested in s.e.x, you're not validating his masculinity.

Denying your partner s.e.x, over time, will register as rejection and ultimately have an impact on his sense of himself as a man. When a guy becomes exclusive with one woman, he's placing her at the center of his s.e.xual universe. She's IT. When she says no over and over again, it takes a toll on his self-esteem; the one person he relies on to make him feel desired and like a man is rejecting him. Or that's how it feels to him.

If a man experiences too much s.e.xual rejection in a relations.h.i.+p, one of three things usually happens: 1. He becomes numb.

Some guys attempt to deny the rejection by pretending to themselves that they don't really need s.e.x. This never works in the long run. It just leaves them frustrated and resentful.

2. He can keep pestering you.

Some guys just keep at it, lobbying for s.e.x every chance they get, even though their partners are either denying them outright or giving in begrudgingly. In short order they lose respect for themselves, as do their partners.

3. He can go elsewhere.

One of the basic reasons a man cheats is a feeling of s.e.xual insecurity and a need to validate himself as a man (this isn't an excuse for infidelity, but it is one of the main causes). A man who feels desperate and resentful will often try to validate himself by seeking out intimacy in other places.

This isn't to say that because your guy's ego might get bruised, he gets to have s.e.x every time he wants it and you have no say in the matter. My point is that refusing him, especially repeatedly, has consequences you may not have considered. No, your guy doesn't get to run your s.e.x life, but it's good for you to understand how to refuse him in a positive way.

Just because a guy is open for business twenty-four hours a day, that doesn't mean you are. You don't have to drop everything and leap into bed whenever he starts getting that look, nor should you feel guilty about it. However, it is good to learn how to say no in a graceful way that communicates delay, not denial.

When you tell your guy no, it's crucial that he's able to accept your refusal while still feeling that you desire him s.e.xually.

Let's say it's a Sunday afternoon, you're working on your laptop trying to make a deadline, and suddenly your partner comes up behind you and starts nuzzling your neck, suggesting you take a break. You know what he wants, but you also need to get this piece of work finished. How do you get on with what you have to do without making him feel s.e.xually inadequate?

Say something like, "Look, I really have to get this done for tomorrow, but I'm going to come and jump you as soon as I get this done, okay?" The tone you're going for here is playful but firm.

This line works for several reasons. First, you have a specific, concise reason for saying no. You're not tossing off some generic, not-in-the-mood reason. Even "Not now, I'm working," can sound like a brush-off. Of course he can see you're busy, but that's not what his brain registers. His brain registers: she doesn't desire me, she's making excuses. This may sound like nitpicking, but it's important to understand. When people talk about the fragile male ego, this is what they're talking about.

Logically, he knows that just because you don't want to have s.e.x this very minute, that doesn't mean you've lost all s.e.xual desire for him, but emotionally it feels like a rejection. You know that the only reason you don't want to have s.e.x is that you're swamped with work, but communication is the bedrock of relations.h.i.+ps, and what he hears you communicating is: "I don't feel any physical desire for you right now."

For a guy, feeling this kind of rejection from a woman he loves can be excruciating. When a man is single, he can be s.e.xually validated in all sorts of ways: he can go out and flirt and get phone numbers, he can sleep with different women, he can go on three dates a week. But if he is in a monogamous relations.h.i.+p, all of his options for validation rest with you. When he feels that being physical with him isn't that important to you, it begins to dampen his desire, and in the long run, his attraction to you.

One of the keys to a great s.e.x life is to let him know that he's desired. Desirable women receive compliments all the time, but men aren't used to being complimented on their looks and s.e.xuality. A simple comment like "I sort of like it when you don't shave and have a scruffy beard" not only makes your guy feel great about himself, it also increases his attraction for and attachment to you. It takes so little effort to let your guy know he's appreciated in this way, and the reward is that he's completely validated and thus, happy.

Keys to a Great s.e.x Life There's an old piece of relations.h.i.+p wisdom that says when s.e.x is good, it's 20 percent of the relations.h.i.+p; when s.e.x is bad, it's 80 percent of the relations.h.i.+p.

s.e.x is obviously only one component of a great relations.h.i.+p, but it's the cornerstone, so we have to get it right. When it's wrong, it poisons every other part of the relations.h.i.+p. Fortunately, most of the time, as far as the guy is concerned, as long as you're having it regularly he's pretty nonjudgmental. This is one of those rare arenas in where you do get points for trying.

Body confidence The basis of good s.e.x is not how he feels about your body, it's about how you feel about it. s.e.xual attraction is not a matter of how objectively beautiful you are. I know women have insecurities about their bodies. So do men! You might despair over the state of your b.u.t.t or your stomach, or think your legs are slightly chubby, or despise that birthmark on your neck. But please, please, please-it's not necessary to share your opinions with your guy. If he's undressing you, he wants to see and enjoy every single part of your body.

It's a common, frustrating scenario: a guy starts undressing a woman for the first time, something that most guys savor, and suddenly she wrestles himself out of his arms and zips around the room, switching off all the lights and closing her laptop for good measure.

Now the guy, who moments ago was convinced this woman was an absolute G.o.ddess, who was lost in the moment and completely into her, has been alerted to her ma.s.sive insecurities.

A man gets excited by the idea of having s.e.x with a woman he desires. But if she doesn't act like a desirable woman, he's going to find himself less turned on by the experience. Every time he rubs his hand over your stomach and you move it away to place it on your hip, he notices. He won't understand why you don't find yourself as s.e.xy if he does. He wants to see you as the prize, someone he is grateful to have attracted.

When it comes to our imperfections, we have two choices: either do something to change it, or learn to love it.

Most of the time, a man kind of likes the little imperfections. That scar? He actually thought it was kind of cute and wanted to kiss it. Those hips you're worried could be thinner? He likes the way they feel in his hands. That stomach you want to cover up? He likes stroking it.

One thing you can count on-if a guy is sleeping with you, he has already decided he finds you s.e.xy.

s.e.xual confidence s.e.xual confidence is not the same as s.e.xual experience. It's not about knowing everything; it's about the willingness to enjoy s.e.x enough to experiment, to throw yourself into it and learn what you like. The quality of any s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p is defined by the extent to which both people can let themselves go. But again, most guys will be thrilled with the fact that you've made s.e.x a priority.

Variety In an earlier section I described the vision most guys have for the way their lives should unfold. There is often a time, usually in early adulthood, when a guy is counting on being single, free, and having lots of wild s.e.x with as many women as possible. Regardless of whether a guy ever fulfills this fantasy, the desire for it is based on his male need for variety.

A man who loves his partner and his relations.h.i.+p doesn't possess a lesser need for s.e.xual variety than a player. The only difference is that a player fills his need for variety by sleeping with different women, while the man in a relations.h.i.+p, who has consciously relinquished that requirement, fulfills his need by exploring his appet.i.te and trying new things with his partner.

The guy who's happy in his relations.h.i.+p feels like he gets to have s.e.xual experiences he could never have had when he was single. This is what he must believe in order to feel content being monogamous, especially over time. The way you can ensure he feels that is by showing him that the more he commits to you, the more fun, playful, wild, and exciting things are going to become s.e.xually.

A man in a relations.h.i.+p who is getting his s.e.xual needs fulfilled and feels like he can do those things he fantasizes about is living the dream of most guys. And what's more, it's nearly impossible to act out a lot of these fantasies in the single life. When a guy has a one-night stand with a girl, he's not going to open up to her about all the crazy stuff that he's always wanted to do in the bedroom. He's not going to ask her to try that unusual position, or request that she use her silk scarf to bind his hands. That's the kind of thing he can only bring up in an environment in which he feels safe and he's not going to be judged.

Openness and honesty In order to have a varied s.e.x life, it's crucial to be open and honest. Men and women both are usually more kinky than anyone who knows them casually would ever a.s.sume. We tend to presume that we're the only ones who are turned on by offbeat things, but I guarantee that everyone has a side that they long to bring out with someone who won't judge them, someone who will make them feel comfortable about it. And if a man feels he is in that kind of relations.h.i.+p, it's a huge plus for him. When a woman understands and encourages his s.e.xual needs, it is unbelievably powerful. A guy rarely maintains a fantasy element of sleeping with loads of other women when he has a woman at home who's willing to create a s.e.xual world of their own.

The ability to play s.e.x is not a final exam. s.e.x is not estate planning or doing your income taxes. The bedroom should be a place where two people can play in complete comfort, where the two of you can giggle and mess around. The willingness to make s.e.x fun takes the pressure off for him too. The more he feels the environment in your bedroom is both accepting and a little playful, the more likely he is going to be able to relax and please you.

One Rule About s.e.x As you know by now, I prefer principles to rules. But I do allow one rule for s.e.x: between the two of you, anything goes.

You may have no interest in indulging a particular fantasy. You may be embarra.s.sed, shocked, or just plain turned off. But it's crucial to adopt an att.i.tude of never say never. Make it your policy to try anything once. (Within reason, of course. If someone suggests something outrageously offensive to you or abusive, run far, run fast. Chances are good he's not the right man for you. You'll know it when you hear it.) Okay, now that we've mentioned the caveat of keeping yourself safe, here's why you want to consider his fantasy: if your guy mentions there's something he wants to try and you respond by saying, "I would never, ever do that in a million years," an alarm goes off in his head. He may not even feel that invested in whatever it is he's suggesting, but your flat refusal will trigger in him that familiar feeling of panic guys experience when they feel trapped, and when they feel as if a relations.h.i.+p is going to deny them experiences they might have had otherwise.

This, at the end of the day, is why men are terrified of marriage and monogamy. Your refusal to even consider something he might want to try induces one of his worst nightmares, which is a lifetime of unfulfilled s.e.xual needs.

It might sound unreasonable and melodramatic that your categorical refusal to dress up as Princess Leia in her metal bikini can induce such terror, but it's the way his brain is wired. If the door slams on variety, how does he know that it's not also going to shut on everything he wants out of his s.e.x life?

So how do you respond if he wants to do something you don't?

I'll let you in on a secret: men rarely actually do all the crazy stuff that's in their heads. They just want to know that it's not an option closed off to them. Much of the time, they are actually content with just being able to talk about all the stuff they might like to do with you. For most guys, that's enough. So never be afraid of talking about it. Just letting him talk dirty is often enough.

Frequency Matters There are different kinds of s.e.x, especially in a long-term relations.h.i.+p. It's not going to be mind-blowing all the time, nor, really, does anyone expect it to be. Sometimes he's going to want to have a quickie. Sometimes you're going to want to have a quickie. Sometimes you might be indifferent to the thought of s.e.x, but you know you can be seduced. Sometimes he's just flown in from a business trip and you want to jump his bones, even though he's half asleep. Sometimes you're getting over a cold, or he's stressed at work, and the s.e.x isn't even that hot, but you knock it out anyway. It's all okay. The point is that you're having it. Frequency of s.e.x in a relations.h.i.+p will always matter-though the tally will vary from couple to couple.

Sometimes s.e.x is used merely as a release. All s.e.xual adults sometimes need to address a s.e.xual urge that might not necessarily include his or her partner. To understand and accept this is to accept a basic human impulse. So the next time you are not in the mood for s.e.x, and your guy is aching for it, let him know that you are fine with him taking matters into his own hands, so to speak. You don't want to deny his need, but you don't want to feel like a blow-up doll, either. The solution is simple: masturbation is an option and is not to be judged by either of you. And if you feel inclined to help out, that's okay, too.

All that being said, we know that there are plenty of s.e.xually exciting relations.h.i.+ps that fail miserably, and also decades-long relations.h.i.+ps where the s.e.xual component may be less important. Even when you get s.e.x right, there are a host of other things that determine whether you keep the guy. As someone wise once said, man cannot live on s.e.x alone. Still, one hard and fast rule to give you an edge to keep the guy: never stop having s.e.x with him.

21.