Get the Guy Part 3

In this way, men and women aren't that different. You probably feel just as nervous around a guy you think is hot as a guy does around a woman to whom he's attracted. Think how much easier it is to flirt and act s.e.xy with a guy you're not interested in: it's the same for us.

Why is this? I could ask you to approach a stranger and ask him for the time, and you wouldn't feel nervous. You might feel a little awkward at first, but you wouldn't feel any actual pressure. Even if I asked you to approach the most attractive person in the room to ask where the restroom was located, it might not be that intimidating.

What's the crucial distinction between approaching someone for directions and approaching a potential love interest for conversation?

It's all in your intent.

Our intentions are responsible for making us nervous.

When we approach someone to ask for the time, we have no ulterior motive. We are seeking information, plain and simple. It's straightforward. It's not about who we ask, not about any person in particular.

But the instant you think, "I'm approaching him because I would like to get his phone number, which I hope will lead to a date," you seize up, because there's always the possibility he'll reject you. It's your intent that creates pressure on a simple social interaction. Your intent fuels feelings of nervousness and anxiety.

Because your intent exposes your most vulnerable hopes and desires-he's hot! I want him to like-maybe-love me!-you fall into the mindset that you'll either be Accepted or Rejected. The stakes are suddenly high. This is now serious business. You worry (even obsess) about the way he is going to react to you. Why? Because now you're desperate for his approval.

It's not unlike the nervousness we experience in a job interview. When we're sitting around with our friends it's easy to talk about our qualities and what makes us an ideal candidate, but when we're sitting across from the person who has it in their power to hire us, we're ill at ease, because we're attached to the outcome.

The very moment you're invested in a guy's approval is the same moment all of those traits that make you a vibrant, spontaneous, intriguing, s.e.xually attractive woman mysteriously vanish.

The Conundrum I'm sure you're ahead of me here. If guys won't make the first move, and if you, as a high-value woman, aren't about to chase after them, how does anyone ever meet anyone? Furthermore, men like to feel as if they've done something special to earn your attraction; the more you seem to be "chasing" a guy, the less interested he is. No matter how far we've come socially, a stubborn prevailing idea persists of how boy meets girl: that it is the man's role to be the pursuer and the women's job to either accept or reject him.

My friend Jenny was completely fed up. We were meeting in a coffee shop, but she was in no mood for small talk. "All the guys who approach me are just complete idiots who I have no interest in. All the guys I approach won't give me the time of day. There's just no one out there-it's hopeless."

"So, what now?" I asked. "Do you think there are any men in the world who would live up to your standards?"

"There must be. I just don't know how to meet them."

Jenny was stuck. She had specific ideas about how meeting a guy should be: "I don't want to look desperate. It's the guy's job to do the work. I'm not going to go around like some predatory woman trying to track down men. It's not feminine."

Jenny's concerns are legitimate. No woman wants to look desperate or feel as if she's doing all the work. No woman wants to feel as if she had to track down Prince Charming like a lioness hunting her prey.

We're still living in an era when dating advice generally holds that it's a woman's obligation to be chased, that her role in the courts.h.i.+p process is to wait for a man to approach, since anything else will only make her appear desperate and needy. Let's dispense with this false wisdom right now. We've already talked about the pitfalls of waiting. Now it's time to talk about the creating part, and how you can do this without compromising your sense of being of high value.

Two Ways to Eliminate Your Anxiety About Making the First Move What if there was a way to make the first move without jeopardizing all of those attractive qualities you have now so beautifully cultivated? Let's put you in control so you can choose the men who will approach you. Yes, in this case, you can have your cake and eat it, too. I am going to tell you how.

Change your intent A few pages back we talked about how intent can cause us to fumble if it pertains to something for which we have a vested interest in the outcome. Most of us treat talking to an attractive stranger as though it's the final heat of an Olympic event. We behave as though we have one chance to win, and if we fail it's over. We'll have to wait another four years to get another shot at the gold, and by then we might be too old. Instead of approaching a guy with the intention that he might be The One, do it with the notion that you will never see or talk to him again. Just think about how freeing that would be. If your intention is only to engage for one moment and move on, then there is less at stake. It's like running a race: you focus on getting to the next marker, not the finish line, and that gets you, invariably, to the finish line!

The truth is, you get as many chances to approach guys as you want. If one encounter doesn't work out, you can move on and engage with someone new. You couldn't speak to a tenth of the interesting people on this earth even if you went from guy to guy to guy 24-7 for the rest of your life. The opportunities are limitless-remember our theory of abundance versus scarcity. There's an old saying that men are like buses: if you miss one, there's always another coming along in a few minutes. The sooner you embrace this truth, the sooner you can get on with meeting your one and only.

Place less value on the outcome Whenever we're worried about someone else's reaction to us, it's a sign that we're placing too much value on their opinion. And why do we care about their opinion? Because we're still too invested in the outcome.

Rejection is not the worst experience in life. We humans are amazingly resilient. For one thing, the biological imperative to procreate hardwires us to keep at it until we've found a mate. The species would have died out long ago if we gave up after one rejection. Besides, when we bounce back from failure we become more confident. It is certainly better to deal with rejection than to realize too late that we never ventured out and got what we wanted because we were too worried about what people thought about us. Remember, the pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of regret.

To put this in perspective: Why should you get nervous at the idea of starting a conversation with someone you find attractive when you don't know a single thing about him? Right now, he's just a smile, some hair, a s.h.i.+rt that brings out the blue of his eyes. That's it, nothing more. You don't even know this person. Why place so much importance on what he thinks of you? Try to think about it this way: he has to earn an opinion about you. That's why you are talking to him. Everything else is nonsense.

You'll Never Be Everyone's Cup of Tea Even if you change your intent, place less value on the outcome, adopt the mindset of the chooser, and wear your lucky shoes, there will always be conversations that won't go as you'd like them to.

And that's okay. Sometimes the guy you're interested in will give you the cold shoulder, or be into someone else. For all you know, he might be gay or already in a relations.h.i.+p. It doesn't matter. It only matters that you tried. That's the success story here.

Whether you're trying to get the guy or just get through the day, rejection is inevitable. There will always be people with whom you don't connect. When we're applying for a job and send out twenty resumes, most of us expect that at least half of those will be rejections because the fit isn't right. It doesn't reflect on our worth as a person. The same holds true when you're approaching men who look interesting. You'll win some, you'll lose some. As a friend who's a doctor points out, "Statistics never matter to the individual." There could be a one-in-a-thousand chance you're going to come down with some disease, but if you're that one, the stats go out the window. Likewise, for our purposes, it doesn't matter how many divorces there are, or what the ratio of single men to single women is, or how many times you get rejected. You only need to find your ideal partner once. And once you do, every statistic will be irrelevant.

The Odds Are Better Than You Think Many women worry that there's too much compet.i.tion out there. If you find yourself falling into this trap I want to remind you of something: most women aren't doing anything to find the guy, so they're not competing with you. They are either hanging out at home on their Facebook page or out with their friends talking about how there are no guys out there.

On my weekend seminar my clients go out on Sat.u.r.day night and practice what they learned that day. One of my clients told me about a group of beautiful women who sat at a nearby table and no one approached them all evening, while my clients had engaged almost every guy in the venue.

This was a lesson I learned at my first school dance. The girls stood on one side, the guys on the other. Then I noticed one guy getting all the attention-he was simply the guy who had crossed the room. I remember thinking when I got home, I can't believe how much I missed by focusing on compet.i.tion that wasn't even there!

How to Overcome Your Fear of Hot Guys It's normal to feel a few b.u.t.terflies in your stomach when you're approaching a guy you find attractive or compelling, but if you're nervous to the point of speechlessness, it's important to ask yourself this two-part question: What are you overvaluing about him at that moment? And, more important, what are you undervaluing about yourself?

Remind yourself how high your standards are for a relations.h.i.+p. Think about the list of qualities your ideal man must possess. He must be kind, generous, challenging, ambitious, caring, optimistic, intelligent, polite, amiable with your friends, playful, adventurous, physically appealing, and a hundred other qualities.

This list should remind you that you are extremely fussy. Not any guy will fit the bill. In fact, most guys won't fit the bill.

His good looks tell you nothing except for the first flush of, oh yes, him, I'd like to talk to him. But good looks are just one of dozens of qualities you require. His score is one out of twenty, and it might end right there. Talking to him is a method of discovering how many other attributes on your list he might possess. This isn't about being arrogant or judgmental, it's about taking a long step back and putting appearance in its proper place.

What if you learned that the hot guy over by the punch bowl who's making your palms sweat and your stomach flip-flop was cold, selfish, dull, and had a criminal record for beating up his previous girlfriends? Would you still turn to jelly at the thought of talking to him? As a friend who's completely conquered her fear of talking to attractive men likes to remind herself if she starts feeling nervous, "Ted Bundy was great looking, and he turned out to be a serial killer."

Yet, when we see someone whose looks we like and we feel that rush of attraction, we project every good quality we desire onto them, even though we have absolutely no basis for doing so.

He's just a guy you want to talk to-nothing more.

Whenever you find yourself feeling intimidated at the prospect of starting a conversation, remind yourself, This guy has a lot to prove before he lives up to my standards.

Whenever you make an effort to speak to a guy, it's because you're merely curious. It's not because you want him. You are just giving him the opportunity to impress you. You're giving him a chance to prove his personality can match up to his initial attractiveness.

Thinking this way begins to put you in the mindset of the chooser.

When I auditioned for NBC's reality matchmaking show Ready for Love, I flew to LA for a screen test. The people at the network made it clear that my being cast in the show would depend on how I did in front of the camera. I was nervous as h.e.l.l. The day of my flight, I received a brilliant e-mail from my friend Jon Turteltaub, a film director, who offered some great wisdom: Think of this screen test the same way you would think about approaching a woman. If you focus on the fact that you desperately need something from her, you'll be insecure and awkward. If you focus on the fact that you're already desired because you're already charming, smart, funny, and knowledgeable, then you'll be confident and charismatic.

You also never get a girl by acting compet.i.tive with other guys. Just be the best version of yourself, and if the chemistry is right . . . and the girl is smart and astute . . . she'll choose you. This is as easy as can be.

Oh, one more thing . . . wear an antiperspirant and your lucky shoes.

I took his advice and got the job. And I've worn antiperspirant ever since.

5.

The Traits of Desirable Women When I was a kid growing up in Ess.e.x, England, my dad owned a nightclub, and the club had a DJ. I must have been about eleven when I got it into my head that I wanted to be a DJ too. I went out and bought a pair of turntables and two or three vinyl alb.u.ms, and I started practicing in my bedroom.

My dad is an entrepreneurial sort. Even though he had a lot of successful ventures, and there were times when we lived in a big house, there were also times when things weren't going so well, financially, and we lived in a trailer. But my dad loved books and learning, and no matter where we lived we always had books.

One day I was looking around on the bookshelf and came across How to Win Friends and Influence People. I remember thinking how tragic my life would have to be that I would need to win friends. But I picked it up anyway, and after about ten pages I was hooked.

I was floored by the notion that there were behaviors that you could learn that had nothing to do with your looks, your education, or your background; that there was a formula and a set of tools that could get you further with people. I felt like I was learning a superpower, and I started to apply the principles in the book to my DJ aspirations.

I realized that the difference between people who get ahead in life is not talent, necessarily, but knowing the right people and knowing how to be around them. I knew of a lot of great DJs who were exceptional but were working for public radio stations for free. I also knew of DJs who were just okay but were getting a thousand bucks a night just because they were friendly with the owner of a good club. I realized that I could practice DJing in my bedroom for the next ten years, but if I didn't know how to talk to people, how to "win friends," there was a good chance I'd never get anywhere. I started to talk about myself as a DJ at school. I didn't say I wanted to be one, or that I was practicing to be one, I just said I was one. To my amazement, my cla.s.smates just accepted it. Word got around, and one day an uppercla.s.sman asked me to DJ at a party he was throwing.

I said I'd love to, even though I was twelve years old and I had no idea how to get my stuff to the party. But it was a great opportunity and I did it for nothing. And word continued to spread.

Four parties later, someone offered me fifty pounds to do a party and that became my going rate. Until I started charging a hundred, then three hundred, and so on. And my reputation grew around Ess.e.x, until everyone who threw a party with a DJ had decided I was the DJ to get.

Charming, you may be thinking, but what's that got to do with me?

Earlier in this book, I listed the attributes of the woman of high value. She is certain and confident about her own worth. She is independent, and has a life that she loves that any guy would be thrilled to be a part of. She has principles and the integrity to uphold them. She is not afraid to be feminine.

All of this is well and good, but it's not unlike me practicing my mad DJing skills in my bedroom. Until I became a DJ in the eyes of others, nothing happened. So I started calling myself a DJ and behaving like a DJ, and eventually people accepted me as one. Likewise, to get the guy it's not enough to be a woman of high value, the men you meet have to know that you are someone special. When a guy realizes you're not just any girl, but one of high value, you become something else in his eyes: a desirable woman.

You s.e.xy Thing s.e.x is such a defining part of a relations.h.i.+p that it's important to express your s.e.xuality in the early stages. s.e.xuality doesn't mean coming on to every guy who makes eye contact. Indeed, women who try to play on their s.e.xuality too quickly can make a man feel either suspicious or threatened.

A desirable woman doesn't disguise her ability to be comfortable with her s.e.xual self, and she is able to express it. This expression can, and perhaps should, be subtle. You express your s.e.xuality in the way you move, in your willingness to throw a seductive look out now and then, in being able to playfully touch a guy with confidence.

It's also about being comfortable with allowing an atmosphere of s.e.xual tension. Women who aren't comfortable with this will often deflect a man's affections and immediately change the subject when he tries to communicate his s.e.xual desire. Sometimes she'll deflate the tension by closing down when the conversation veers into more intimate territory. This is fine if you are not interested in pursuing something more with him. If you are interested, it can stop the momentum cold.

Never underestimate the power of embracing and expressing your s.e.xuality. Many a man has snagged a date with a so-called gorgeous woman, only to find that she's cold and remote. She may be objectively beautiful in the eyes of the world, but without the ability to express her s.e.xual nature, she'll never be able to make a man feel a strong physical desire for her.

All men have had this experience: they meet someone they find beautiful, but then in conversation she's a hollow sh.e.l.l. She might be friendly and pleasant enough to talk to, but just connecting isn't flirting. Flirting is what puts someone on our radar. Without flirting, a date is just two people having a conversation. When there's s.e.xual energy on a date, a man shouldn't be able to stop thinking about kissing you.

Playfulness, the essential ingredient Women are close to ruling the universe these days. At most of my Get the Guy Women's Weekends, I meet CEOs, small-business owners, lawyers, doctors, consultants of every stripe. They consider themselves to be of high value in part because they're used to marching out into the world, kicking a.s.s, and getting what they want. They're used to being in control.

Whenever I discuss traits like certainty, they nod in agreement. They have no problem being certain. They may be responsible for a large team of subordinates who rely on them to keep it together. Sometimes they have to be aggressive to get that client, or to make that deal, or to stay above the compet.i.tion. They are used to networking, meeting, charming, and doing business with people they don't know.

When I begin talking about what makes someone appealing in conversation, someone will eventually become impatient and say, "I do this every day. I know how to meet people and be charming in conversation. I have no problem working a room and being confident. I'm in charge of a huge sales team of men and have no problem being the leader in a social situation. Enough of this confidence stuff, just give me the formula for attraction and I'll do it. Confidence isn't my problem."

But confidence isn't transferable across all areas of our lives. Although we may feel certain and confident in one aspect of our lives, it doesn't mean that we automatically do in others.

On the Sat.u.r.day night of every coaching program, the women I coach go out to put their newfound knowledge to the test. At a recent event I suggested to Diana, one of the attendees, who'd described herself as "very confident" earlier in the day, that she go over and talk to a guy having a drink at the bar.

The expression on Diana's face changed in an instant. "I don't know. He's just standing there, I can't just walk up to him."

"Would you be able to approach him if you were at a networking event?" I asked.

"Sure. I'm just not used to approaching them in this way. At a business event I could do it with no problem."

Suddenly, now that the conversation isn't about networking, the whole idea produces a feeling of terror. Diana's intent changed-instead of making a business contact, she was attempting to make a personal one, and she felt completely out of her element. She couldn't ask for his number under the pretext of exchanging business cards, so her confidence drained away. This isn't to say that Diana is not a confident person; she just isn't confident in this situation.

Of course she could have just dialed in her business mode, ask the guy what he did for a living, and talk about what she does for work. This is the kind of conversation with which she is most comfortable, and isn't it better to be comfortable and confident than the deer in the headlights?

Not at all.

Because Diana's goal here was to create interest and attraction, which requires displaying a different side of her personality, one that is playful.

Playfulness is the essential ingredient in conveying your desirability. Confidence and certainty form the foundation of interactions, but a woman's ability to drop her professional persona and have fun helps creates spark in the conversation. A professional woman used to meeting men has perfected a persona that is all business. She knows she can speak with a guy for hours without creating any chemistry or attraction-which likely serves her well in the business environment.

The inability or disinclination to tap into one's playful side isn't exclusive to women. Men also face this problem when they try to adopt what I like to call the James Bond persona. A guy donning the full James Bond persona puts on his serious face, leans on the bar, and tries to look stern and mysterious while sipping his martini. In reality, he just appears moody and standoffish (or idiotic, if he takes it too far).

To be playful is to take yourself, and all your interactions, less seriously. Adding a hint of playfulness into your conversations with guys is how you create chemistry. The ability to joke around, tease, tell funny stories, and be silly makes us more attractive and charismatic.

Spontaneity Contrary to popular belief, spontaneity isn't about being the kooky girl who lives a crazy, off-the-wall lifestyle and jets off on random island adventures at the drop of a hat. (Although, as I write this, that doesn't sound too bad.) For our purposes, spontaneity means being able to be in the moment. It's about getting out of our heads, ditching our well-laid plans, and allowing the conversation to go where it will.

Good conversations never follow a logical progression. Think about a typical conversation with your best friend. Rarely will it ever involve a boring exchange of information, in which you both recite exactly what you've been up to over the last week, from start to finish. More likely, the conversation jumps all over the place. One minute you'll be talking about your day, and then you'll jump to "Oh my G.o.d, I have to tell you this story about this guy I met." Before you know it you'll be talking about a movie you saw recently, and then you'll immediately change the subject to family, then comment on her new shoes, and on and on it goes. This is because you are comfortable with this person. The unexpected, spontaneous nature of this kind of conversation is what makes it interesting and engaging.

Imagine if you could re-create this kind of give-and-take in any social environment. What if you could cut through all of the getting-to-know-you c.r.a.p and get straight into being comfortable with a stranger within the first ten minutes?

Being spontaneous allows for this. The irony of trying to become acquainted with someone new is that we ask them exactly the kinds of questions that tell us nothing about who they are. Ten minutes talking about a guy's favorite movie is a better way to tap into any chemistry you may share than an hour spent exchanging your regular resume-type information of where you work and what you do there.

Consider the conversational habits of kids. They're nothing but spontaneous. A child can be sitting drawing a picture of a house, then turn and ask "Do you like Star Wars?" or "Which superhero would you want to be?" She doesn't care if it's relevant or not, it was a question that came to mind.

In the first minute of conversation, if you ask a guy something like, "If you were to ditch work tomorrow and could do anything in the world, what would you do?" you'll have a better shot at a stimulating conversation than if you had spent a whole hour talking about what you both do for a living.

The beauty of this is that because it's a playful, spontaneous-seeming question, most guys will be caught off guard and are likely to answer honestly.

If he says, "I guess I would fly to Paris and have lunch in the Eiffel Tower," you can shoot back with a playful "Hmm, I was thinking a beach break in Hawaii. Are you more of a city guy or a sun-and-sand guy?"

Not only is this more interesting than asking what he does as a.s.sistant to the a.s.sistant vice president at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, it also allows both of you to display your personalities. The guy will instantly a.s.sociate you with adventure and fun, and see your playful side within the first few minutes of your interaction. You are also jarring him out of his normal pattern of conditioned responses, and therefore making him reveal things to you he doesn't normally talk about with others. Spontaneity, because it traffics in the unexpected, gives a guy the sense that there's more to learn about you. Guys are intrigued by the idea that there are different sides to you, and if they hang around, they'll get a chance to see them. They want to feel like the longer they stick around, the more interesting things are going to get.

Cultivate Traits of the High-Value and Desirable Woman The list of traits in this chapter and chapter 2 may sound a bit daunting, but everyone possesses them to varying degrees. Think of them as different muscles that may need to be trained. A woman may be close to everything a man wants, but he can't see himself with her because she never shows him she's s.e.xual. Or, she seems so s.e.xy and intelligent, but she's never playful and fun, so he can't picture himself just hanging out and joking around with her.

The reason a guy gets hooked on one woman is not because she is just s.e.xy, or just playful, or just certain, or just feminine, or just bursting with integrity, but because she possesses a unique combination of traits: the girl who is warm, has integrity, and can charm his family, then rips his clothes off in the bedroom and is a s.e.xual G.o.ddess; the girl who is playful with his friends, can debate politics like a pro, but knows how to enjoy a lazy Sunday watching movies and eating pizza; the girl who is independent, kicks a.s.s out in the world, but is feminine and loving with her man.

Women like this cause an alarm to go off inside a guy's head and heart. Keep her, he thinks. This one's amazing! The longer he's around you, the more he believes you're not like anyone else and that he couldn't find what you have to offer in any other woman. You become irreplaceable.

This explains why a guy who seems only a little interested at first becomes more deeply attached the more time he spends with you. Or a guy who says, and even thinks, he's dating around, playing the field, enjoying the single life, and then suddenly meets a woman who possesses a unique combination of these traits and wow! He doesn't want to date anyone else.

I know this sounds like men want it all. They do.

But so do you!

You want the gentleman with the edge. You want the sensitive guy with the adventurous streak. The intellectual who is also amazing in bed. The charismatic popular guy who is also cultured and has deep values. When someone possesses a unique combination of traits, they become special in our eyes, and we want to hold on to them.

6.

The White Handkerchief Approach In Victorian society, it was generally forbidden for a woman to overtly pursue a man she found interesting. The total value of a woman in this era, the only thing that made her seem desirable, was the degree to which she was pursued. If she were seen to be actively chasing a man, it would probably lower her value in his eyes, and in the eyes of her family and society.