Get the Guy Part 7

During a seminar I coached in Los Angeles, we did the usual part of the course where my clients put the lessons of the day into practice by going out and meeting guys. One woman was a single mom, and rather than being worried that no guy would want to date a woman with kids, she used her situation to flirt.

I heard her say to one guy, "Your dimples look like my daughter's. They are so cute." She was totally unfazed. Here was a woman talking about her kids, but doing it in a way that made it an entirely positive opening, precluding a negative response from the guy. She was a single mom, fun to be around, s.e.xy, successful, and someone with a life. Her att.i.tude told him from the outset that he might be lucky enough to share it with her.

When we're attracted to someone who might not fit our profile of the perfect partner, it's because that person displays qualities that make them attractive, and might also defy a stereotype in the bargain. When that happens-and it does all the time-all your preconceived notions about who is your type go out the window. In that moment, the only thing you feel is attraction. Attraction has its own power that goes beyond arbitrary characteristics.

The Truth About Imperfections Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. If we are comfortable with our imperfections, and see them as an intriguing part of the whole of who we are, then a guy will see them in the same way. Once he's attracted to you, your imperfections become not just irrelevant, but cherished.

Men and women are alike in this way: we're all looking for someone with a unique combination of qualities that make him or her like no other. When a guy discovers a woman like this, her superficial imperfections have no importance. No man has ever met a woman who makes him melt and then thought, Wow, she's the perfect woman for me. If only her hips were a little narrower and teeth a little straighter. Ah well, never mind, let's move on.

We all know someone who is not objectively good-looking but who nevertheless commands whatever room she enters. At a party, she's surrounded by people clamoring for her attention. Everyone enjoys her company and seeks her approval. She's magnetic and she makes people laugh. She makes big gestures, isn't afraid to take up s.p.a.ce, and makes people feel good in her company. She's comfortable in her own skin. We notice her not because of her looks, but because of her charisma. And charisma is the aggregate of all of the qualities in the formula, put together in a unique way to create your own unique brew of attraction.

TURN A LIABILITY INTO AN a.s.sET.

I want to share how one amazing woman turned her insecurity around and it changed her life.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/insecurity Access code: gtgbook

12.

The Art of Creating the Great Date What do most of us do on a first date? You go to some middle-of-the-road restaurant for dinner, make some light conversation, try not to eat anything that's going to get stuck in your teeth, and after two hours feel no closer to this person with whom you were feeling so excited to spend time. You feel as if you're in a bad movie, because it all feels artificial and awkward. You don't really feel comfortable with the person you're sharing a meal with-h.e.l.l, you may have had only one brief, c.o.c.ktail-enhanced conversation with him and now you're suddenly spending an entire evening in his company, awkwardly sitting face-to-face.

Only after the waiter has brought the menu does it occur to you that you've signed up for three hours of impersonating someone on a date. Is there any s.e.xual chemistry here, any way to establish connection? Who knows? Your main goal has been reduced to not saying something stupid.

Earlier, I made my position clear about formal dates. I don't even think we should call them dates. I prefer the term "meet-up," as in "I'm going to meet up with that guy I met at my cousin's birthday party."

It's Not You, It's the Date: Why Dinner and a Movie Doesn't Work We need to stop treating dates as if they were a big deal where we get dressed up and plot an entire, endless evening of that creaky cliche that features drinks, dinner, and a movie.

I'm not against a date that involves drinking, eating, or moviegoing per se, but we need to start thinking casually. The old-school formal dinner date has so many drawbacks, it's a wonder that people have stuck with it for so long.

The standard formal date rarely works for a number of reasons: It's uninspired On a first date you want to show a guy what makes you different from anyone else. A dinner date is business as usual, so the occasion doesn't promise anything memorable. He's been on dozens of dinner dates. Make him know you are different.

There's a good chance that this bad idea was his idea. You can him help recover from his lack of imagination by challenging him to be more creative. Tell him you've been working so hard lately and are feeling the need for something out of the ordinary-it doesn't have to be complicated. Maybe you suggest taking a walk along the river or going to the new Harley dealers.h.i.+p to look at motorcycles. Then you can follow up with a playful challenge: "If you've got any good ideas let me know!" In this way you're also subtly communicating your standards. You're not just any woman to be dropped on the drinks-and-dinner date a.s.sembly line.

Alternatively, you can invite him along to something you've already got planned. "A few friends and I are going to this book launch tomorrow. Come with us!" Even though the guy asked you out on the date, you can lead him around to what you want to do by offering him a better alternative. Don't worry that he's going to feel rejected because you turned down his suggestion. You haven't said no to the date, you've just shown that you're high value and confident enough to express a preference for what you'd like to do. Besides which, most guys offer the dinner date only because they are being lazy and think it's a safe bet. With a little prompting on your end, you show him that he needs to try harder.

You have little chance to be your best self The formal dinner date usually requires you put on "nice" clothes to which you may not necessarily be accustomed, then sit directly opposite each other and try to make conversation. It conjures up that horrible job-interview atmosphere, in which both parties trade interview-style questions back and forth, then judge each other's performance. What's more, you don't have much of a chance to behave in a way that increases your value. Even going for a walk through the park with an ice cream cone offers more of a chance for spontaneity and allows for the opportunity to share the more appealing parts of yourself.

You have no opportunity for casual physical contact Sitting opposite a guy doesn't encourage touching, which removes one avenue for building chemistry and connection. This is why you both feel awkward at the end of the date, and you're not sure whether to kiss. During the date, if you haven't become comfortable touching in a light, playful way that feels natural, the idea of kissing will feel as if you're going from zero to ninety miles per hour. A good date should feel as if your physical intimacy is progressing until the kiss feels inevitable.

It's not flexible The dinner date generally has to last for a few hours, during which you're at the mercy of the rhythms of the meal. After the first course, no matter how bad it's going, it's unlikely that one of you will bail. If things are going well, you are forced into a static interaction rather than a dynamic one. You're imprisoned until the check arrives.

The success of a date has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of time you spend together. A great date can be a twenty-minute breakfast before work or a ten-hour day starting with a picnic and ending with stargazing in a field. What matters is the connection and chemistry you feel on the date. You also want to be left wanting more of each other, not feeling like you've just pa.s.sed an endurance test. Doing something engaging and out of the ordinary gives you both the best chance to explore whether there is s.e.xual chemistry worth pursuing.

The Great Date Many of us try to simply get through the first date. It's like enduring a turbulent flight; we pray, just get me through this, just get me through this. We try to avoid having a bad date, instead of focusing on having a great date.

This is where building a life you love pays off. Remember how while you were busy finding guys and meeting guys, you were also building your social circle, which included exploring your interests and pa.s.sions? You were making a life that excited you and would eventually excite your guy.

When your lifestyle is a full and a key part of who you are, you don't have to scratch your head wondering where to go on a first date. You already have interesting activities and social events, so you can invite your guy to join in.

You can ask him to come to your regular happy hour, where he'll both meet your friends and also have a chance to see you as the most popular person in the room. If you're both really into wine, tell him he should come along to a wine tasting you're going to next week. If you're both into art, tell him about a new exhibit you are going to see and invite him along.

A date doesn't have to be the two of you going it alone in an intense one-on-one environment. It can also be about bringing a guy into your world and seeing how it goes. This way you're able to interact with him in a more natural way, as well as see how he gets along with your friends and whether he's able to share your interests. You'll get a chance to see what it would be like to hang out with this person in everyday life.

You don't need to surround yourself with your friends on your date, but the point is that a date doesn't have to be an enormous, stilted, time-consuming event that feels separate from your normal life. The women who attend my seminars who say they don't have time to date obviously don't mean they don't have time for love. What they mean is they don't have time for a weekly or biweekly extravaganza, where they spend a few days prior to the date worrying about the perfect restaurant, stressing about the conversation, then an hour and a half deciding what to wear and putting on their makeup.

When we adopt a more casual mindset, it's much easier to imagine meeting up with a person we like. If you're having a busy, stressful week and you don't want to spend a whole evening on a date, then don't! Remember, longer dates don't equal better dates. The only purpose of a date is to connect with a guy to see whether he's someone with whom you want to spend more time and someone who lives up to your standards.

Where, then, might a great date take place? The zoo. An art gallery. A food festival. Go bike riding or hiking. Fly a kite on the beach. Have a picnic in the park. Take in some local tourist attraction that you've wanted to see: How many New Yorkers make a point of going to the top of the Empire State Building?

What matters most isn't where we go or what we do, but that we choose a setting where we have the best chance to create a memorable date. A date should be a preview of how fun and intriguing life with you will be.

When He's Leading the Way Sometimes you've found yourself a man-with-a-plan, and there's going to be no way to dissuade him from the deadly drinks-dinner-movie date. If there's no way around it, do your best to create great conversation using the techniques discussed in part one. At some point, however, if the first few dates go well, even the guy who likes to arrange the dates will be turned on by the idea of a woman who takes the reins and shows him something new.

During a busy week, one in which you don't have time for a full-blown date, text him and say, "Listen, I'm having a tough week but it would be great to catch up. How about we grab an ice cream at this place near my office after work? You have to try their salted caramel sundae!" Now it's not a big deal that you've arranged the date, because you've arranged it around the fact that the place has great ice cream. And the great thing is that this date is so casual that it doesn't have to last more than thirty minutes, and you can do it on the way home from work. Dating has to become a part of our lifestyle, not something completely separate from it.

The Golden Rules of the Great Date The most important part of any date is not where you go, but what you do when you get there.

Connect, don't interview I've already discussed the importance of being able to initiate and sustain an interesting, dynamic conversation. A date is all about seeking values rather than facts.

Let's say your meet-up is at an art gallery. It's tempting to converse about the pieces in front of you, and certainly that's part of the flow, but this is also an excellent opportunity to connect more deeply with your date. You might ask something like, "Which would you rather be: a great musician, a great painter, or a great writer?" Whichever he answers, ask him why. It's going to tell you something about him and what he values.

If the question sounds a little offbeat, that's good; this is the kind of conversation that makes a date memorable. Great conversation isn't rocket science, it's about creating an exchange of thoughts and feelings that make you stand apart from everyone else.

Good conversationalists get other people to open up and talk about what's meaningful to them. These quirky, speculative questions that are half playful and half serious have a way of allowing us insight into someone's true nature. Asking a guy, "What's your job?" tells us nothing compared to asking, "Why do you love your job?"

The advantage to this approach is that you find out the things you really want to know about someone much quicker than if you stuck with polite chitchat. Also, the quicker a guy feels like he can truly be himself around you, the more attracted he's going to be. Ask questions that might seem a bit cheeky: "What's the geekiest thing about you?" "What TV star do you have a secret crush on?" Getting him comfortable and laughing is much more important than trying to be cool. Every guy secretly loves when he can let someone into his weird little world, instead of having to hide it and pretend to be Mr. Smooth all the time. Be the girl who helps him to feel comfortable with who he really is.

Generate emotional spikes Part of what makes a date memorable is how emotionally invested we find ourselves.

A great date should feel like a mini-adventure. You can draw the guy into antic.i.p.ating the date by creating playful expectations. "If you don't like the dessert at this place, we're no longer friends!" you might say. Or if you're on a date to the zoo, you can take his arm and say, "I am terrified of anything with scales. You can only come if you promise to wrestle down any dangerous alligators with your bare hands." You've set up the dynamic that he has to protect you, and you can tease him by referring back to it, "I hope you've brought your tranquilizer gun. That crocodile just gave me a funny look. I might have to hide behind you." This behavior is silly and playful, but it gives you an excuse to joke around, make physical contact, and enjoy heightened emotion.

Another way to create emotionally memorable dates is to try something new together. Go skiing at a new place. Take a kayaking cla.s.s. Sign up for an introductory cha-cha lesson or an Italian cla.s.s-something that involves more investment than eating dinner and sitting in a movie theater.

Mind you, I love movies, and some of my best dates have been sitting at home watching a film, but at the beginning of a relations.h.i.+p the goal is to get under each other's skin. Sitting shoulder to shoulder in a movie theater may allow for some awkward hand-holding but doesn't give you much opportunity to create an emotional connection. It doesn't let you make easy physical contact, or create s.e.xual tension and tease, or show off different sides of your personality and lifestyle; it hinders all of those things we want to do on a date that make us memorable.

A date should have a rhythm If you're going out for a few hours or more, try hopping around to different venues. Go for a walk in the park, then to a coffee shop. Go check out the new exhibit at a museum, then find a place to shoot some pool. The date is more memorable because you're constantly changing the vibe; sometimes things are slow and intimate, sometimes fast and exciting.

Different kinds of dates allow us to share the different sides of our personalities. Variety helps us to feel closer to someone than if we simply keep going to that same bar, ordering the same drinks, then heading to the same restaurant every Friday night.

One date might show your sophistication. Another might show that you're sociable and have great friends. Another might be adventurous and show your spontaneity. Another might reveal your domestic side. The goal of dating, in addition to learning whether he meets your standards, is to show him that you are someone he could live and be comfortable with in a number of different circ.u.mstances. The fun part is, just when he thinks he's got you figured out, suddenly you show him another side he's never seen before.

Show him that you have a lifestyle he wants to buy into Another reason I'm against run-of-the-mill dates is because they make us seem run-of-the-mill. When a guy becomes deeply attracted to a woman, he's enticed not just by her, but also by the life she leads, and he wants to be part of it.

By putting a bit of extra thought into the time you spend with a guy, you show that you're the kind of person who puts extra thought into other areas of your life.

This, again, is the point of having a life you value and enjoy. Whether there's a guy in the picture or not, you're out there doing the things you enjoy. It's simply a bonus if your man of interest sees that you're pa.s.sionate, love what you do, and have a strong ident.i.ty. He would consider himself lucky to be able to share it with you.

Bring your best self A first date isn't the place to moan or complain about your past. This guy that you're sharing a walk in the park with hasn't done anything to earn your rancor. We have to resolve to go into this thing with the att.i.tude that whatever happened before is over; whatever bad experiences we've had in love before this moment, we're going to leave them behind.

Even if you've had a lousy day, are stressed at work, or are in a bad mood, leave it behind when you meet your date. Unless you possess the gift of being able to turn something potentially negative into a comedy skit, ask yourself, "What can I be excited about right now?" It doesn't have to be enormous. Maybe it's just the sunset or the turning leaves.

The one universal rule of attractive people is that they seem to be going somewhere. The person who meets us now is going to be a part of our future, and in that respect only one question matters: Does that future look compelling?

Guys Notice In an earlier chapter I made the case for the general cluelessness of guys. Even though most guys are always looking out of the corner of their eye for a woman who might want to have s.e.x with them, they really don't expect anyone to be interested in them. They're at the pub with their friends, drinking beer and playing darts, and they really don't have a clue to whether your look is meant for them. Maybe you're just looking at the clock.

That said, once you're dating a guy, he notices everything.

He's looking to see how well you treat your friends and whether you b.i.t.c.h about other people behind their backs. He's looking for whether you seem to get fl.u.s.tered easily or rattled at the first sign of teasing. He's looking to see if you are confident in your s.e.xuality and believe in your own self-worth. He's looking to see whether you are superficial. He's looking to see your values.

He notices if you get crazy drunk and embarra.s.s yourself, or if you are rude to the waiter. He notices whether you flirt with other guys or use your s.e.xuality to get what you want, whether you get dramatic over little problems, whether you're easily angered and emotional, or whether it's tough to cajole you out of a bad mood.

Whether he's aware that he's evaluating you, he is. Women have been sold a myth that men never think about a relations.h.i.+p's potential on the first date and that they're only out to have a good time and get laid. (They are, but more on that in the next chapter.) The truth is, guys are going through exactly the same thing you are. Guys categorize women fairly quickly. Before the first date is over a guy knows whether you're just a girl to date until someone he goes crazy for comes along. Or maybe you're just a woman he'd like to have s.e.x with. He knows pretty quickly as well if you are the one he wants to take home to his family.

Sooner than you might imagine, he starts thinking things like: Would she get on well with my mother/my sister/my brothers/my cousins/my best friend? Will she be sociable with the people close to me? If I take her to a party, will she need to cling to me all night, or can I leave her to charm the room?

A scene in the TV show Mad Men captures this dynamic beautifully. Don Draper is on a business trip in Los Angeles, and he's brought along his kids and his secretary, Megan, to watch them while he's working. One night they're at a restaurant and one of the kids spills a milk shake. Immediately Don pulls himself up straight, a look of panic in his eyes. His ex-wife, Betty, would have lost her temper and pitched a fit and the evening would have been ruined. Instead, Megan grabs a bunch of napkins and starts mopping it up, completely blase. She registers the horror on his face and says, "It's just a spill. It's no big deal." And in that moment, he falls in love with her.

This is why you always have to bring your best self to the table on a date. Always. If you've had a bad day and you're stressed, and you let it get to you, he's going to think that you're someone who is going to be a lot of work on a long-term basis. You have to be aware of how you come across; you might know that you're not normally in a bad mood, but he might a.s.sume you're like that all the time.

By the way, the first few dates are also your chance to notice everything about him. How much does he seem willing to integrate you into his life? If he's late, does he apologize or shrug it off? Does he lie about little things? If he doesn't take an interest in getting to know you, or doesn't make an effort to impress you, or doesn't express any interest in bringing you into his life, these are signals that he's not showing much investment. These things all add up, and you shouldn't ignore them in the early stages. If he does something you disagree with, call him on it. Tell him you think differently. He'll respect you more for being discerning.

We always have to have the abundance mindset. If a guy doesn't live up to your standards, there are a thousand others who will. You are on the date to see if he is what you are looking for. And when you bring your best self to the date, you help solidify your position of being the chooser because you become what he is looking for in return.

13.

The s.e.x Talk (Part I) When I first started my women's weekends, my groups were sometimes as small as eight. We huddled around a whiteboard in a tiny conference room. I avoided talking about s.e.x. I wasn't being prudish, but rather cautious. I was terrified of offending every woman in the room. My role was offbeat enough already. I'd watched myself be labeled a "dating coach" on daytime TV and witnessed my mother awkwardly try to explain to her friends what her eldest son was now doing for a living. The last thing I wanted was to get a reputation as a s.e.x guru.

For a while, I obeyed that old dinner party rule: keep conversation away from the big three topics-religion, s.e.x, and politics. But I couldn't help thinking I wasn't being fair to my clients. Having promised to be completely open with women about how men think and what they want, how could I continue to gloss over s.e.x, especially when men think about and want s.e.x all the time? And I do mean all the time. There's an old joke that makes the point: the best time for a woman to have a serious conversation with a man is five minutes after they've had s.e.x, because this is the only time he's not thinking about getting laid.

When Do You Sleep with Him?

In my experience the most persistent question on women's minds when it comes to dating and relations.h.i.+ps is How long should I wait until we have s.e.x?

In the early stages of a relations.h.i.+p, men and women generally take different roles when it comes to s.e.x. Men are the pursuers and women the pursued. It is women, then, who make the ultimate decision about whether s.e.x is going to happen.

Still, this doesn't mean a woman's sole power lies in her ability to allow or deny a man s.e.x. Thousands of magazine articles are churned out every month telling you that the only way to get a guy to continue to pursue you is to withhold s.e.x for a specific number of dates, or to not have s.e.x until he has committed to a relations.h.i.+p, or other rules that provide no help in keeping a guy in the long term.

Most of the women I know seem to hold to the wait-three-dates rule, which is based on thinking something like this: "If I wait until after our third date, he'll see that I'm not as easy as those other s.l.u.tty girls he dates. Then he'll realize that I'm someone he has to get serious about before anything is going to happen." This possesses a certain kind of logic, but it's another rule that misses the point. I know plenty of guys who will wait until after three dates for s.e.x and still never commit.

It's not just a question of how long you make him wait for s.e.x. Making him wait for an arbitrary length of time sets you on the course away from genuine connection and into pointless game playing, which never ends well.

While my personal philosophy is that you shouldn't make a policy of having s.e.x on the first date (I am not saying that you should never have s.e.x on the first date), my reservations have nothing to do with the fact that you haven't made him wait long enough. Making a guy wait for s.e.x is not what keeps him interested in you.

The Emotional Hook Point When the average guy goes out on a date, part of him always hopes to have s.e.x at the end of it. He's pretty much hardwired this way. If he is on a date with you, he's already decided there is visual chemistry, and if he's decided there's visual chemistry, he's going to want s.e.x with you. This doesn't make him a good or bad man, it's simply a fact.

It is a mistake to think there are two types of guys: nice guys interested in you for who you are and players who only want s.e.x. No such dichotomy exists. A player is just more up front about his intentions, while the nice guy is playing a longer game but still wants to take you home and have his way with you.

In short, guys know they may not always get s.e.x, but they're always hoping for it. Still, the notion that "men only want one thing" is only partially true. It is one thing they are sure to want, but it is not the only thing. In fact, men are just as receptive as you are to becoming deeply attached. When a guy becomes attracted to your personality and loves spending time in your company, when he sees you as someone special, someone he wants in his life, perhaps forever, it's because the two of you have established an emotional connection. s.e.x becomes a way to deepen that connection.

It matters not whether you've been on two dates or five dates, whether he's met your parents or you've met his buddies, or whether he keeps pressing you to sleep with him every time you meet. s.e.x should enter the relations.h.i.+p when the emotional connection has been made. I call this connection the emotional hook point.

When a guy reaches the emotional hook point, he will be thinking about you when he's watching a film with his buddies. He'll be thinking of calling you the moment he gets off work. He'll find a way to be in your neighborhood when it's not even remotely convenient. He'll go to sleep at night and wonder what you're doing. And that's usually when a guy thinks, Oh man, I think I've fallen for this girl-often a scary moment for him, especially if he thought he was enjoying his single life. In essence, he's been hooked.

This emotional connection is created through shared experience. This is more than simply spending time together on a few standard dates, but about doing things together that involve the possibility of gaining emotional investment. It's about the intensity of the experiences you share and conversations that you have.

This is why it's important to try to go on dates that allow for meaningful interactions rather than those dastardly dinner dates, where there's little opportunity to bond in a significant way. It's why it's important to have dates that involve sharing a new experience or doing something to which you both have a genuine connection (or through which you can make one).

The more meaningful time you spend with a guy, the greater the variety of experiences you have together, the greater the chance he'll reach an emotional hook point. Emotional connection is not just a function of time, however. Time may help, but time spent together does not in itself produce emotional connection.

Vacation romances can be powerful for this very reason. You can have intense shared experiences over a very concentrated period of time. Usually both people are out of their immediate environment, so they are sharing something new and exciting, maybe adventurous and out of the ordinary. What's more, this environment encourages people to open themselves up more, and so they reach the emotional hook point quicker.

To understand how to make an emotional connection, it's important to know what does not help you make one: Pa.s.sion is not the emotional hook point You don't want to misconstrue wanting to tear each other's clothes off for having reached an emotional hook point. It may feel intensely emotional on your side, but a guy can feel a staggering amount of physical chemistry, yet still feel detached emotionally. His level of physical pa.s.sion is not an indicator of his lasting attraction.

Being really into him is not the emotional hook point When you really like someone it's important to avoid supposing there's an emotional connection on his side that might not yet exist. This is a recipe for unrequited love. It leads to a one-sided situation where we feel deep attraction for someone who doesn't share our emotional involvement. If you find yourself having endless conversations with your friends about why this new guy is always busy and can't make time for you, or how the relations.h.i.+p doesn't seem to be going anywhere, chances are it's because you've confused your swooning, emotionally intense feelings for him with mutual emotional connection that doesn't (yet) exist.

s.e.x itself is not the emotional hook point It's not uncommon for a woman to suppose that since a guy is begging for s.e.x, granting his wish is a way to create emotional connection. This may seem logical to the female mind, but s.e.x doesn't work that way for men, who don't tend to form lasting attachments through s.e.x. Even the nicest of guys can sleep with a woman and remain detached.

If a man doesn't feel any emotional connection with the woman he has s.e.x with, it's easy for him to compartmentalize their interactions. He might genuinely like the woman he's sleeping with but still view her primarily as an enjoyable escape from the everyday realities of work and paying the bills.

If s.e.x comes too quickly or too easily, a man may feel neither the interest nor the obligation to invest more significantly in getting to know you or getting closer to you. The part of him that's focused on s.e.x hijacks his brain, and his sole mission becomes seducing you, rather than trying to connect on any deeper level. When s.e.x becomes the focus it's more of a challenge for you to showcase your personality, making it much more difficult to establish an emotional connection.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO JUST GET IT ON.

Here is one scenario where you can sleep with a guy immediately and still make him feel like he's earned it.

Go to www.gettheguybook.com/hookpoint Access code: gtgbook The Biggest Male Anxiety About s.e.x I fear I've painted a discouraging picture of the male mind, portraying men as little more than dogs who, once you've produced the treat of s.e.x, are incapable of focusing on anything else. But it's not quite that simple. Even the kindest, most compa.s.sionate man, with three beloved sisters and a genuine appreciation of all women, seeks personal validation through s.e.x. Much of his self-esteem is wrapped up in how attractive and s.e.xually desirable he feels. On a primal level, it makes him feel like a man. It is the one thing he wants above everything else.

But the feeling of s.e.xual validation doesn't just come from the s.e.x act. Acquiring s.e.x isn't so much about the action itself; rather, it's a signal that his fundamental need to be chosen has been met. What makes him feel truly validated is the knowledge that a woman could have had her pick of any guy in the room, but she chose him.

Every man secretly wants to feel as if only he could have possibly had s.e.x with you. No other guy in the room could have gotten you. I realize this sounds a little needy, but the truth is that a man can be needy when it comes to s.e.xual validation. He wants to feel that something about him pushed your b.u.t.tons. He wants to believe that he turned you on in a way that made you choose him over anyone else.

If you take only one piece of truth away from this book, make it this: men appreciate physical contact that they have earned.