Get the Guy Part 9

Why is the guy not calling you back?

The Reasons You Think He's Not Calling Are Not the Real Reasons Throughout my years of coaching I've discovered that the reasons men really don't call women back are completely different from the reasons women generally suppose. These are some of the most common fallacies.

He didn't call me back because he's intimidated by me This is one of the most common misinterpretations. I've met and worked with many successful women who are so fond of this reason, they trot it out before the first date has even occurred. "Just watch," a woman who attended one of my seminars said after she'd traded numbers and made a date with a guy she'd met at a party. "He'll be too intimidated by me to make this work."

Successful women have a habit of a.s.suming that a guy can't handle their level of achievement, or that a guy is always turned off by a woman more advanced in her career than he is. But the truth is, unless a woman behaves on a date as she does in a business meeting, or aggressively interrogates a guy under the guise of conversation, most of the time men are intrigued and even turned on by a successful woman, especially one who also displays a degree of femininity, playfulness, spontaneity, and s.e.xuality.

He didn't call me back because I'm not good-looking enough If a guy has been on a date with you, he's already decided that he likes what he sees. One of the main reasons he asked you out in the first place is that there was visual chemistry. Unless he was wearing a blindfold on the day you met, he already thinks you're good-looking enough.

But it is possible that he went on the date without feeling any s.e.xual chemistry, hoping some might develop. A guy wants to feel as if he can imagine having wild s.e.x with you, which is easy to do with a girl who laughs and teases him, who's pa.s.sionate and seems comfortable with her body, or who shows that she is willing to be naughty and take herself less seriously. Most likely, he didn't call back because he didn't feel any of the s.e.xual chemistry he was hoping to find.

He didn't call me back because he's flaky and doesn't want commitment Even if a guy has already decided before the first date that he doesn't want anything serious, it doesn't mean he's going to go on a date, then suddenly disappear. Even the most dedicated bachelor enjoys having a dating life. He could go on a dozen dates with someone with whom he's having mind-blowing s.e.x, but still consider himself as someone who doesn't want commitment. Just because he doesn't want commitment doesn't mean he's going to run out after one or two dates. Besides, I can't tell you how many confirmed bachelors I've met over the years who, when they meet the right woman, stumble happily head over heels into commitment.

He didn't call me back because he was only after s.e.x In order to understand just how ridiculous this a.s.sumption is we need to be clear about two things relating to men. First, no matter what they tell you, most of them are not having regular s.e.x outside a relations.h.i.+p. Second, the guys who are having regular s.e.x are often having it with the same person.

Why is this relevant? Because-and I am sure you don't need me to convince you more about this-men are pretty big on s.e.x. They are so into s.e.x, they don't give it up when there's no reason. Especially s.e.x they enjoy.

I always laugh at the stereotype of the hit-it-and-quit-it guy, who supposedly lies in bed the morning after a night of great s.e.x thinking, Phew, I need to get out of here and never call again so that that doesn't happen again anytime soon.

My point is, a guy who gets s.e.x (especially s.e.x he likes) will call again even if it's just for the s.e.x at the end of a night. Even the biggest player will keep calling for s.e.x. The vast majority of men are not having so much s.e.x offered to them that they can afford not to call back a woman with whom they had an exciting night of pa.s.sion.

If the s.e.x was good, but perhaps the conversation wasn't, he's still going to a.s.sume you're up for a booty call. But even if the s.e.x wasn't good, everything else being equal he's probably going to call again. The great comedian Mel Brooks put it this way: For men, s.e.x is like pizza. Even if it's done bad, it's still good.

The point is that if he's not calling, it's not because of the s.e.x.

The Real Reasons He's Not Calling Men, simpletons though they may be, are surprisingly articulate when it comes to why they're not interested in pursuing a relations.h.i.+p with a woman. Many of their remarks stem from their own insecurities, but the reality is, the following are the kind of things they're thinking. If confronted, a guy might slip into vague mumbo jumbo, but when he's being up front he's likely to say one of the following: She was just nice (there was no edge, no challenge).

She was boring.

She was too aggressive.

She was too superficial.

She came across as too desperate.

She was trying too hard to impress.

She was too negative.

She's a drama queen and would be a nightmare over the long term.

There wasn't any chemistry.

While these reasons may seem all over the map, in the end it comes down to a few basic areas in which the date didn't pan out the way he'd hoped. Let's look at them in more detail.

Lack of s.e.xual chemistry A guy can go on a date and enjoy a woman's company but still not feel any real attraction. He might think you're the nicest person he's ever met, but if he doesn't feel that pull of s.e.xual energy from your teasing, flirting, and challenging him, the initial visual chemistry he felt peters out. He likes the looks of you, but something isn't working out.

Even if you have perceived value in his eyes and you've managed to connect, he still needs to experience you as a perceived challenge to feel chemistry and deep attraction. Our tendency when we go on a date is to focus on being agreeable. We try to find common topics of interest or connect on something we are pa.s.sionate about. Being nice might make you a new friend, but it won't create attraction. Being simply pleasant won't repel a guy, but it won't draw him to you, either.

To create the necessary chemistry it's also necessary to stoke the s.e.xual tension with playfulness, teasing, flirting, and breaking rapport. The guy is on the date with you because he's interested in you. But a guy can easily lose his enthusiasm if he doesn't feel a s.e.xual connection as well as an emotional one. Just being nice won't do it.

Lack of complexity "She seemed one-dimensional" is something I often hear. This translates as only s.e.xy, only funny, only serious, or only career-minded. She's s.e.xy, but she seems superficial. She's smart and ambitious, but not playful or fun. She's a huge amount of fun! But not s.e.xy. All of these traits are great, but they're part of a whole package; alone they're not enough.

A multidimensional woman displays several sides of her personality during a date. She shows that she has serious values and is dedicated to her career but is also willing to indulge in fun adventures and silly jokes. She shows she is s.e.xy but also has cla.s.s and doesn't try to seduce everyone. She has accomplishments but she doesn't show them off; she lets him find them out for himself.

Recently I was having breakfast with a single friend of mine; he was giving me the postmortem on a date he'd been on the night before. He'd been at a nightclub the week before and slept with a girl he met on the dance floor that night.

A few days later he texted her to see if they could see each other again. "Why don't we go to dinner?" she texted in return. He agreed, and they set up a date.

Most people would a.s.sume that after that dinner my friend would use the opportunity to get her back into bed, but after having taken her to dinner he decided that he didn't want to see her again. I was surprised.

"She was really boring. She had no strong opinions about anything; she didn't banter with me; she wasn't particularly playful. She doesn't seem to have ambitions, hobbies, or pa.s.sions. By the end of dinner I barely knew any more about her than when I started. I couldn't imagine going home with her because I don't know what we'd talk about when we weren't having s.e.x!"

If this guy couldn't envisage what they would talk about before and after s.e.x on a single evening, he surely couldn't imagine how they would ever pa.s.s the time during the day-to-day events that occur in a committed relations.h.i.+p.

The real tragedy is the misunderstanding this will create. The woman will go back to her friends and wonder why he didn't even try to take her home (even if she was planning to say no) and why he never called her again. After all, he was the one who asked to see her again, he agreed to dinner, and he picked up the check. Why had he suddenly turned into such a jerk?

Her friends are unlikely to know what she's like on a date. They probably won't realize that she bored him senseless. Chances are they'll look at the situation and say something like, "It's probably because you slept with him too soon," which had nothing to do with it.

Because she'll never know the real reason, she'll focus on sleeping with men too soon as the source of her pain, and maybe even form a belief that all men run away after s.e.x, rather than the fact that her personality doesn't come across well in the cold light of day.

She was needy and desperate Men have a sixth sense for a woman who gives off the vibe of needing to fill a relations.h.i.+p-shaped hole. Worse, if she is oversharing about her plans to get married as soon as possible and have children, she might as well be holding up a sign that says, "Yes, I'm that scary. Please don't call me for another date, ever."

It's not because a guy doesn't want all of these things, it's because he doesn't like feeling as if he's the target in your big plan of bagging an eligible male as soon as possible. Men always need to feel chosen for a unique reason. In the early stages, he wants to feel like you haven't got it all planned out. He wants to feel like anything can happen-and yes, marriage and children might, in the end, be what happens.

This is admittedly extreme. Perhaps you know better than to introduce the topic of whether you should send your future children to public or private school over appetizers, but there are other, less obvious ways of sending the message that you're a little needy.

If there's one bit of wisdom regarding men that all women should embed into their psyches now and forever, it's this: men love complimenting women, but hate rea.s.suring them.

If a guy compliments you, just smile and thank him. You can even say, "Why, thank you!" in a way that conveys that you're a little bit surprised to hear this, but that's it. This is the only high-value way to respond to a compliment. Accept it graciously.

A never-to-be-broken rule: don't reject his compliment. If he says you look s.e.xy in the morning, don't respond with "G.o.d no, I look disgusting like this."

If he says you look hot in that skirt, don't make him repeat it. Neediness rears its unattractive head because we feel grateful that someone is complimenting us, as opposed to accepting that we deserved the compliment. Our insecurity may compel us to ask, "Oh, do you really think so?" in the hopes of wringing more validation out of the compliment. It's awkward and a turnoff, and you never want to seem too grateful that a man is saying something nice to you.

Topics to Avoid on a First Date When you're a high-value woman, your conversation needs to bear this out. As Benjamin Franklin observed, "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

But sometimes we don't really know what that wrong thing is, or nerves get the best of us and we blurt out what we're thinking. Many of us repeat the same bad conversational habits during dates for years, without being aware that we're turning off a guy who might otherwise grow to love us.

Never dish about your ex If you find yourself straying into anecdotes about your ex, swiftly cut yourself off. Even if it's lighthearted or relevant to the situation, the fact that your ex is a viable topic of conversation will spell disaster for any man you're trying to attract.

Never rant about your ex and how much you can't stand him. You may think you're showing it's over with him, but you're doing the exact opposite. Your date will probably a.s.sume that you still have hang-ups about your ex, or that you have a load of unresolved emotional baggage that he doesn't want to take on. Worse, it may appear to a guy that you've had a string of bad relations.h.i.+ps, and he may start wondering whether the problem wasn't with your exes but with you.

Whenever we complain about an ex, we risk coming across as a victim, which is never s.e.xy or intriguing.

The same reasoning goes for the opposite conversation-a guy doesn't want to hear about how great your last boyfriend was either. Basically, a guy doesn't need to know about any lingering emotional attachments you might have. It's best to keep these to yourself.

Avoid talking about your weight Not only is your weight a boring topic best reserved for your girlfriends, it's an irrelevant one. He's on a date with you, therefore he finds you appealing. There is not a single scenario that exists on a first date where you should be discussing your insecurities about your figure. Even if something happens that requires him to strip off all your clothes, throw you over his shoulder, and run down Main Street, make no cracks about how heavy you must be, how he's going to need a chiropractor after this, nothing. If you're on a date with him, you're a hot chick. Period.

Some insecure phrases that should never leave your lips on a date, ever again "Really? Do you REALLY think I'm pretty/skinny/s.e.xy?"

What you're really saying: Please repeat the compliment so I can feel that buzz of acceptance again. I'm insecure and rely on other people's approval to validate my sense of self.

"Oh no, I'm not that s.e.xy/pretty/hot. There are so many beautiful girls in this place."

What you're really saying: I need more rea.s.surance because I'm intimidated by the situation. Keep telling me that I'm pretty so I can get over this inferiority complex.

"Guys never ask me out. I haven't been on a date in ages."

What you're really saying: It's pretty obvious I'm into you, so I want to make it as easy for you as possible, even at the expense of sounding like a castoff. If a guy ever asks you why you're still single, make it about your standards. Tell him, "If I'm going to be with someone, he has to be really great. I'm not someone who just falls into relations.h.i.+ps."

Insecurity can bring any relations.h.i.+p to its knees, particularly if one partner is much more secure than the other. So many times I hear from men who are torn up about having to leave their girlfriends over this issue. When I ask the guy why he left, so many times he answers, "She's a great girl, but I just felt drained by her. She's so insecure. She always got jealous when I'd speak to other girls, or needed me to keep a.s.suring her I'm not attracted to anyone else but her."

Needing constant validation from someone else indicates that we don't have internal certainty. True certainty means never having to look to anyone else to remind ourselves that we are desirable.

What If Seeing Him Only Ever Happens on His Terms?

Sometimes the problem isn't that a guy doesn't call, but that he only calls when it's convenient for him. He's still in contact with you, but there's no doubt that he's squeezing you into his schedule, rather than making you even a midlevel priority in his life.

Full disclosure: I've been known to be that guy.

Not long ago I'd been seeing a woman for several months. The problem, of course, was that we weren't actually seeing each other at all. I was working seven days a week growing my business. Half the time, I was running Get the Guy seminars in various foreign cities, so I wasn't even in the country.

She would ask me when I was available, attempt to arrange something, and then at the last minute I would have to cancel. When I would try to arrange something, it would always be at the last possible moment when I knew I was free, and even then my invitation would be for something convenient like meeting for a drink before I dashed off to the airport.

Too many women do things on a guy's terms, and when they do, rather than seeming cool and accommodating, they lose his respect. This particular woman wasn't having any of it. She gave me a reality check when, after yet another last-minute flurry of frantic plan making, where I tried to squeeze her in for an hour between meetings, she sent me this text: "I'm not really a one-hour time slot kind of girl, call me when you have some proper time to spend :-) xo."

This was a great high-value message. It immediately elevated her in my esteem. I got the message loud and clear that she was not a woman to call only when it was easy for me or when I could fit her in. I liked this woman, and had no bad intentions with regard to her, but this was a huge wake-up call: If I wanted to pursue her, I needed to give her the time and attention she deserved.

What I loved about her response was that she managed to be playful and unemotional while implying, "The door is open for when you want to do better." Isn't that brilliant?

16.

Premature Obligation You've found a guy.

You've had two coffee dates and spent a day at an amus.e.m.e.nt park. Or, you went to a music festival and spent an afternoon catching up on work and eating takeout. You like him and he likes you.

Maybe he's Mr. Perfect, or maybe he's just enough to get excited about, or maybe he's just better than no one. The fact is, just thinking about him makes your heart race. There seems to be a man in your life. Your thoughts run wild. You can't resist picturing what your next meeting will be like. Quickly, your thoughts mutate into vacationing together, and what you're going to buy him for his birthday, and inviting him home for Thanksgiving, and before you know it you're wondering if he could be the guy.

Suddenly you find yourself trying to get more time with him. Suddenly you're canceling activities to free up your schedule. Suddenly you have no interest in going out to meet anyone else. Now all your focus is on him. Now you arrange your life around being there for him. You wonder what you can do to nudge your budding relations.h.i.+p along more quickly. You try to steer conversations toward talk of "what" the two of you are, since you want to move toward exclusivity as soon as possible.

While all of this is going on inside your head, he's still mulling over what restaurant to take you to for your next date.

The problem is this: the moment you start focusing on the future while he's still thinking of where you're going to eat tonight, he begins to wonder how the two of you are so out of sync. Ironically, even if he was considering moving toward something more meaningful, his reaction is to back away. Why?

The first reason is that he hasn't had time to sell himself on the idea of the two of you as a couple yet. He needs s.p.a.ce to do this.

The second reason is that he begins to see you as low value, which makes the first reason even more difficult for him. All of the hard work you've done to be of perceived value and challenge flies out the window in service of pleasing him. Don't make this mistake.

Why does this happen? It's not because women aren't picky. Most women are incredibly articulate about exactly what they want in a man. Why is it then that so many women seem to want to establish a relations.h.i.+p with guys they don't really even know?

The Folly of Making Mr. Right It's not uncommon for a woman to want a relations.h.i.+p so badly that she finds a way to mold any guy into the image of the right guy. She takes a guy with one or two qualities she likes and fills in the blanks, imbuing him with the rest of the qualities she requires. She turns him into Prince Charming (which is usually far from the truth) and winds up valuing him too highly. This creates a false reality, since the guy hasn't earned the image she has of him. He may be a great guy but for reasons entirely different than her notion of him.

Even women who are good about not imbuing a guy with qualities he doesn't possess can fall into the trap of confusing the traits he manifests in other areas of life with what he's bringing to her.

Often when a woman comes across a seemingly successful, charming, and articulate man, she starts ticking off the criteria she has for Mr. Right. The more she watches him move through the world, the more she sees him interacting successfully with other people and watches how he conducts his business or the way he works a room, the more she risks thinking, Wow, this guy is so great. He really does possess everything I want in a guy. Now I want to go and communicate how much I like him.

What's wrong with this? She's allowing herself to fall for someone who may be a wonder of the world in his own life but who has done nothing special in relation to her. He might be a great human being, but that doesn't necessarily make him a great catch. What makes a guy a great catch is how he relates to you. He may have earned your approval as a person, but he hasn't earned your approval as a partner until he really invests in you.

I can't say this enough: a guy must be evaluated based only on what he does for you.

The Object of Your Affection It strikes me that guys get a bad rap when it comes to objectifying women. There's no doubt that they do it. You'd be hard-pressed to find a guy who hasn't looked at an attractive woman some time in his postp.u.b.escent life and thought, I'd tap that.

But I would venture to say that women also objectify men. When they rate a man based on his success, his status, his power, his general allure, without knowing him or having any sort of a relations.h.i.+p with him, are they not doing the same thing? We all have a tendency to objectify people without knowing or being close them. When we do this it prevents us from having a real relations.h.i.+p with someone, because we are not relating to them but to a set of characteristics that have no bearing on personal connection.

Any of these att.i.tudes can lead a woman to obligate herself prematurely to someone who doesn't yet deserve her focus. She in turn expects reciprocated obligation before it's warranted. This is often a result of the female propensity to select the most desirable male, which is in direct conflict with a man's tendency to select the next female. The following may be a broad generalization, but it makes the point rather neatly: Give a man ten women and he'll play.

Give a woman ten men and she'll choose.

This doesn't mean men don't want to settle down, but their instinct is to explore their options. A woman's instinct is to quickly discard men she doesn't like and settle on the one guy she likes the most. The rest she then ignores. Does this mean she has to become more like a man and play around? Not at all. My point is that rather than concentrate on perhaps forcing a relations.h.i.+p with a single guy she still needs to get to know better, she needs to spend more time with more guys before she narrows her focus. By the way, when a woman does move slower, the guy's inclination will be to move faster. He'll wonder why she's just going with the flow and not pus.h.i.+ng him toward commitment. The perceived challenge increases as he wonders what he needs to do to make her want only him. Her perceived value increases as he sees that she's more discerning than to just rush into commitment with someone who hasn't really gone out of his way for her yet. He now begins to work for her. As we know, everyone values what they work for, and this valuing continues once they get what they want.

How to Know When He's Become Worth It Suppose you held a bank account into which the guy is depositing money, and you couldn't move into a serious situation with him until he deposited a certain amount. How does he build up this credit with you?

He thinks of you in his actions: he makes an effort to see you, he shows generosity and selflessness, and he looks out for your best interests. He supports you. In short, he works to earn you. When he's built up that credit in the bank, you may reward him, and when you do, he'll a.s.sociate that reward with having invested in you. He now learns that the best way to be rewarded by you is to invest more.

Compare this with the situation above. She decides she likes him based on what she sees in him-she essentially gives him unlimited credit-and tries to pin him down. He has no credit in the bank because he hasn't actually done anything specifically for her. So when she tries to force the commitment, he a.s.sociates it with having done nothing to earn her.

Remember: men don't value what they didn't earn in the first place.

A guy's value should be based only on how he treats you.

Contrary to so many romantic movies, it's never enough that a guy merely likes you, or even loves you. Plenty of men love women they treat like c.r.a.p. Your decision to choose him should be based on what he does in relation to you and how he communicates his feelings, not just on how he feels.

A guy worth considering for a serious relations.h.i.+p cherishes you, and if he cherishes you, he shows it. He must display these behaviors before you decide to choose him. Anyone else isn't the guy for you.

PART THREE.