Standard Selections Part 70

MRS. M. Fie, fie, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically.

SIR A. Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation, now, what would you have a woman know?

MRS. M. Observe me, Sir Anthony--I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or Algebra, or Simony, or Fluxions, or Paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning; nor will it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments; but, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice.

Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; and, as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries; above all, she would be taught orthodoxy. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a superst.i.tious article in it.

SIR A. Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the question.--But to the more important point in debate--you say you have no objection to my proposal?

MRS. M. None, I a.s.sure you. We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side.

SIR A. Objection!--let him object, if he dare!--No, no, Mrs. Malaprop; Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple--in his younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this,"--if he demurred, I knocked him down; and, if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

MRS. M. Aye, and the properest way, o' my conscience!--Nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; and I hope you will represent her to the Captain as an object not altogether illegible.

SIR A. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl--take my advice, keep a tight hand--if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about.

MRS. M. Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my jurisprudence. [_Exit._

ACT II, SCENE I

CHARACTERS: Sir Anthony Absolute; Captain Absolute, his son.

SCENE: Captain Absolute's lodgings.

_Enter_ SIR ANTHONY _and_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE

CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so well! Your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

SIR ANTHONY. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey?

CAPT. A. Yes, sir; I am on duty.

SIR A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

CAPT. A. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently that you may continue so.

SIR A. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

CAPT. A. Sir, you are very good.

SIR A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a n.o.ble independence.

CAPT. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. Such generosity makes the grat.i.tude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection.

SIR A. I am glad you are so sensible of my attention; and you shall be master of a large estate in a few weeks.

CAPT. A. Let my future life, sir, speak my grat.i.tude. I cannot express the sense I have of your munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army.

SIR A. Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

CAPT. A. My wife, sir!

SIR A. Aye, aye, settle that between you--settle that between you.

CAPT. A. A wife, sir, did you say?

SIR A. Aye, a wife--why, did not I mention her before?

CAPT. A. Not a word of her, sir.

SIR A. Upon my word, I mustn't forget her, though! Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage,--the fortune is saddled with a wife; but I suppose that makes no difference?

CAPT. A. Sir, sir, you amaze me!

SIR A. What's the matter? Just now you were all grat.i.tude and duty.

CAPT. A. I was, sir; you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not one word of a wife.

SIR A. Why, what difference does that make? Sir, if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

CAPT. A. If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the purchase. Pray, sir, who is the lady?

SIR A. What's that to you, sir? Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly.

CAPT. A. Sure, sir, that's not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of!

SIR A. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of.

CAPT. A. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that on this point I cannot obey you.

SIR A. Hark you, Jack! I have heard you for some time with patience; I have been cool--quite cool; but take care; you know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led--when I have my own way; but don't put me in a frenzy.

CAPT. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I cannot obey you.

SIR A. Now, shoot me, if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

CAPT. A. Nay, sir, but hear me.

SIR A. Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word!--not one word! So, give me your promise by a nod; and I'll tell you what, Jack,--I mean, you dog,--if you don't--

CAPT. A. What, sir, promise to link myself to some ma.s.s of ugliness; to--

SIR A. Sir, the lady shall be as ugly as I choose; she shall have a lump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in c.o.x's mu-se-um; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew; she shall be all this, sir! yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty!

CAPT. A. This is reason and moderation, indeed!