Standard Selections Part 72

SIR A. Upon my word, Jack, thou art either a very great hypocrite, or--but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm sure it must. Come, now, off with your demure face; come, confess, Jack, you have been lying, ha'nt you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey? I'll never forgive you, if you ha'nt been lying and playing the hypocrite.

CAPT. A. I am sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you, should be so mistaken.

SIR A. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me. I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you; come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience; if you don't, 'egad, I'll marry the girl myself! [_Exeunt._

ACT IV, SCENE II

CHARACTERS: Mrs. Malaprop; Lydia; Captain Absolute known to Lydia as "Beverley"; Sir Anthony; Servant.

_Enter_ MRS. MALAPROP _and_ LYDIA

MRS M. Why, thou perverse one!--tell me what you can object to in him?--Isn't he a handsome man?--tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYD. She little thinks whom she is praising. [_Aside_.] So is Beverley, ma'am.

MRS. M. No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman.

LYD. Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen. [_Aside_.

MRS. M. Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity and adulation!--He has so much to say for himself, in such good language, too. His physiognomy so grammatical; then his presence so n.o.ble! I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:--"Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself! an eye, like March, to threaten at command! a station, like Harry Mercury, new"--Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me directly.

LYD. How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!

[_Aside_.

_Enter_ SERVANT

SERV. Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

MRS. M. Show them up here. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYD. Madam, I have told you my resolution; I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him.

[_Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door_.

_Enter_ SIR ANTHONY _and_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE

SIR A. Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. I don't know what's the matter, but if I had not held him by force he'd have given me the slip.

MRS. M. You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause! Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!--pay your respects! [_Aside to her_.

SIR A. I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance. Now, Jack, speak to her.

[_Aside to him_.

CAPT. A. What the devil shall I do? [_Aside_.]--You see, sir, she won't even look at me while you are here. I knew she wouldn't!--I told you so.--Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!

MRS. M. I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small. Turn round, Lydia, I blush for you! [_Aside to her_.

SIR A. Why don't you begin, Jack? Zounds! sirrah! why don't you speak?

[_Aside to him_.

CAPT. A. Hem! hem! Madam--hem! [CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE _attempts to speak, then returns to_ SIR ANTHONY.] 'Faith! sir, I am so confounded!--and so--so confused! I told you I should be so, sir,--I knew it. The--the tremor of my pa.s.sion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

SIR A. But it don't take away your voice, does it? Go up, and speak to her directly!

CAPT. A. [_draws near_ LYDIA]. [_Aside_.] Now heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! I must disguise my voice.--Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not--

SIR A. Why don't you speak out?--not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsey!

CAPT. A. The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my modesty quite choke me!

SIR A. Ah! your modesty again! Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favor us with something more than a side-front.

[MRS. MALAPROP _seems to chide_ LYDIA.

CAPT. A. So! all will out, I see! [_Goes up to_ LYDIA, _speaks softly_.]

Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYD. [_aside_]. Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice!--[_Looks round by degrees, then starts up_.] Is this possible!--my Beverley! how can this be?--my Beverley!

CAPT. A. Ah! 'tis all over! [_Aside._

SIR A. Beverley!--the devil--Beverley! What can the girl mean? This is my son, Jack Absolute.

MRS. M. For shame! for shame!--your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes! beg Captain Absolute's pardon, directly.

LYD. I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

SIR A. Zounds, the girl's mad!--her brain's turned by reading!

MRS. M. O' my conscience, I believe so!--what do you mean by Beverley?--you saw Captain Absolute before to-day, there he is: your husband that shall be.

LYD. With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley--

SIR A. Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!--or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick? Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

CAPT. A. 'Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavor to recollect.

SIR A. Are you my son, or not?--answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me.

CAPT. A. Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!--[_Aside._]--Sir Anthony, most a.s.suredly I am your wife's son; Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew. I need not tell my Lydia that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, a.s.sumed that name, and a station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy, in a more elevated character.

LYD. So!--there will be no elopement after all!

SIR A. Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! To do you justice, I think I never saw a piece of more consummate a.s.surance! Well, I am glad you are not the dull insensible varlet you pretend to be, however! I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog--I am.

So, this was your penitence, your duty, and obedience! Ah! you dissembling villain! Come, we must leave them together, Mrs. Malaprop; they long to fly into each other's arms. I warrant! Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll not disturb their tenderness; theirs is the time of life for happiness! [_Sings_.] _Youth's the season made for joy_--hey! odds life!