Sketches by Seymour Part 11

"I'll tell you vot it is, young gentleman," says he, "it's the unevenness o' the ground!"

"D've think so?" says I.

"Sure on it," says he; "I'm a hold sojer! Know this 'ere place, and have picked up many a good dinner in it. Look at them fe'l'fares yonder,"

says he, "on'y let me have a slap at 'em for you, and see if I don't finish some on 'em in the twinkling of a pig's visper."

In course I felt obleeged by sich a hoffer, and hands him the gun. Vell!

I vos a-follerin' him quite pleased, ven he visks round, and puttin' the muzzle o' the hinstrument fist agin my vescoat, says he, "Now you've lent us your gun, you may as vell lend us your votch. I can't shoot any think for you till I sees vot's o'clock!"

Here vas a go!--but I see vot vas a clock in a hinstant--and no mistake.

So I cotch'd hold on the two butiful chased seals and tugs it out.

"That's the time o' day!" says he, a-c.o.c.kin' his hugly heye at the dial; "and now," says he, "as you seems frightened at the gun, I shall jist put it out o' harm's way."

And with that he chucks it splash, into a duck-pond, and hoff marches my hold sojer in a jiffy! I vos putrified! and fell to a-blubberin' like a hinfant.

O! d.i.c.k, vot's to be done?

You know I ham, at any rate,

Yours truly,

S. SOFTLY.

SCENE XX.

The Courts.h.i.+p of Mr. Wiggins.

Among the very few fas.h.i.+onable foibles to which Mr. Wiggins was addicted, was the smoking of cigars. Attracted by the appearance of a small box marked 'Marylands--one penny each,' very much resembling lettuce-leaves with the yellow jaundice, he walked into the chandler's shop where they were displayed.

"Let us look at them cigars," said he, and then, for the first time, glancing at the smart, good-looking mistress of the emporium, he added, "if you please, ma'am--"

"Certain'y, sir."

A pretty little fist that, howsomever! thought Wiggins, as she placed the box before him.

"Vill you have a light?"

"Thank'ye, ma'am," said he, ramming the cigar into his mouth, as if he really intended to bolt it.

She twisted a slip of waste, and lighting it, presented it to her admiring customer, for it was evident, from the rapt manner in which he scanned her, that he was deeply smitten by her personal appearance.

She colored, coughed delicately, as the smoke tickled the tonsils of her throat, and looked full at the youth. Such a look! as Wiggins a.s.serted.

"I'm afeared as the smoke is disagreeable," said he.

"Oh! dear no, not at all, I a.s.sure you; I likes it of all things. I can't abide a pipe no-how, but I've quite a prevalence (predilection?) for siggers." So Wiggins puffed and chatted away; and at last, delighted with the sprightly conversation of the lady, seated himself on the small-beer barrel, and so far forgot his economy in the fascination of his entertainer, that he purchased a second. At this favourable juncture, Mrs. Warner, (for she was a widow acknowledging five-and-twenty) ordered the grinning shop-boy, who was chopping the 'lump,' to take home them 'ere dips to a customer who lived at some distance. Wiggins, not aware of the 'ruse,' felt pleased with the absence of one who was certainly 'de trop' in the engrossing 'tete-a-tete.' We will pa.s.s over this preliminary conversation; for a whole week the same scene was renewed, and at last Mrs. Warner and Mr.

Wiggins used to shake hands at parting.

"Do you hever go out?" said Wiggns.

"Sildom-werry sildom," replied the widow.

"Vos you never at the Vite Cundic, or the hEagle, or any of them places on a Sunday?"

"How can I go," replied the widow, sighing, "vithout a purtector?"

Hereupon the enamoured Wiggins said, "How happy he should be," etc., and the widow said, "She was sure for her part," etc. and so the affair was settled. On the following Sunday the gallant Mr. Wiggins figged out, in his best, escorted the delighted and delightful Mrs. Warner to that place of fas.h.i.+onable resort, the White Conduit, and did the thing so handsomely, that the lady was quite charmed. Seated in one of the snug arbors of that suburban establishment, she poured out the hot tea, and the swain the most burning vows of attachment. "Mr. Viggins, do you take sugar?" demanded the fair widow. "Yes, my haingel," answered he, emphatically. "I loves all wot's sweet," and then he gave her such a tender squeeze! "Done--do--you naughty man!" cried she, tapping him on the knuckles with the plated sugar-tongs, and then cast down her eyes with such a roguish modesty, that he repeated the operation for the sake of that ravis.h.i.+ng expression. Pointing his knife at a pat of b.u.t.ter, he poetically exclaimed, "My heart is jist like that--and you have made a himpression on it as time will never put out!" "I did'nt think as you were quite so soft neither," said the widow. "I ham," replied the suitor--"and there," continued he, cutting a hot roll, and introducing the pat, "I melts as easily afore the glance of your beautiful heyes!"

Resolved to carry on the campaign with spirit, he called for two gla.s.ses of brandy and water, stiff, and three cigars! And now, becoming sentimental and communicative, he declared, with his hand upon his heart, that "hif there vos a single thing in life as would make him completely happy, it vos a vife!"

SCENE XXI.

The Courts.h.i.+p of Mr. Wiggins.

Mr. Wiggins was so intoxicated with love, brandy-and-water and cigars, that he scarcely knew how he reached home. He only remembered that he was very dizzy, and that his charming widow--his guide and friend--had remonstrated with him upon the elevation of his style, and the irregularity of his progression.

With his head in his hand, and a strong "dish of tea" without milk, before him, he was composing himself for business the following morning, when an unexpected visitor was announced.

"Please, sir, there's Mrs. Warner's 's boy as wants to speak vith you,"

said his landlady.

"Show him up," languidly replied our lover, throwing his aching head from his right to his left hand.

"Vell, Jim, vot's the matter!" demanded he--"How's your missus?"

"She ain't no missus o' mine no longer," replied Jim.

"How?"

"I tell you vot it is, sir, she promised to give me a s.h.i.+llin'-aweek an'

my feed; an' she ain't done vun thing nor t' other; for I'm bless'd if I ain't starved, and ain't seen the color of her money sin' I bin there.

Father's goin' to summon her."

"It's some mistake, sure?"

"It's no mistake tho'," persisted Jim, "an' I can tell you she ain't got a farden to bless herself vith!--an' she's over head-and-ears in debt too, I can tell you; an' she pays n.o.body--puttin' 'em all off, vith promises to pay wen she's married."

"My heye!" exclaimed the excited Wiggins, thrown all a-back by this very agreeable intention upon his funds.

"More nor that, sir," continued the revengeful Jim, "I know she thinks as she's hooked a preshus flat, an' means to marry you outright jist for vot she can get. An' von't she scatter the dibs?--that's all; she's the extravagantest 'ooman as hever I came anigh to."

"But, (dear me! ) she has a good stock--?"