Six One-Act Plays Part 24

OFFICER--Hush money won't go, boss.

KING--Take these things off, or I'll brain you.

(_The Boy dances around the stage in glee, getting into everyone's way._)

BOY--Keep the nippers on 'em, Casey, or they'll muss up the shop!

OFFICER--I'm running no risks with murderers.

BART AND KING--Murderers! (_they collapse. King drops his cane, and Miss Brown makes a dive for it, and shakes it at him._)

MISS BROWN--I heard ye, ye bloodthirsty thug.

KING--(_To Officer._) Now see here, don't be a fool. I'm George King, editor of the Gazette--

OFFICER--Can it, boss, everything you say will be used against you at the trial.

BART--(_Despairingly._) It only needed this!

KING--Is Lieut. Mason in the guard house?

OFFICER--Maybe he is, maybe he ain't. I ain't sayin'.

KING--Take us to him at once. He'll identify us. You can't run men in like this, on a pink headed old maid's say so. Where's your warrant?

OFFICER--The warrant's comin'. We hadn't time to wait for it, while you skinned out.

KING--Take us to Lieut. Mason at once.

OFFICER--Well, come along, and none of your funny tricks, or I'll wing you.

(_Takes out revolver._) You too, Miss Brown, the chief'll want your testimony.

MISS BROWN--(_To Boy._) Watch the Cafe, while I'm gone, and don't you give n.o.body nothin'.

(_Exeunt Bart, King, Miss Brown, Officer and Policeman. Boy puts record on machine, and before starting it, says, "Gee, life's great!" then dances to the music, stopping when Selina and Gentleman, in evening attire, appear at the door._)

GENTLEMAN--It's too bad the tire's punctured.

SELINA--(_Graciously._) I really don't mind it in the least.

GENTLEMAN--Really?

SELINA--Really.

GENTLEMAN--A car's such a rotten nuisance. Always something wrong with it; much rather ride in a hack.

SELINA--(_Coquettishly._) Even a hack would have no terrors with you, though I confess, I prefer the machine.

GENTLEMAN--We'll be late for dinner, too. It will take Thompson half an hour to put on that tire.

SELINA--Then let's sit here, look at the moon, and talk.

GENTLEMAN--About the moon?

SELINA--Oh dear no,--about you and me.

GENTLEMAN--About you, you're such a ripping sort. Maybe I can get something to drink while we wait.

SELINA--Do, I'm chilled to the bone.

GENTLEMAN--Boy, let us have two cups of fresh hot coffee.

BOY--You gotta wait.

GENTLEMAN--Wait, why?

BOY--The lady's out. I can't make cawfee. I'm just mindin' the shop.

GENTLEMAN--You get us something to drink.

BOY--Aw, this is a temperance joint.

(_Grins impudently at the Gentleman, who stares at him with great disdain for an instant, then turns to Selina._)

GENTLEMAN--Botheration! I suppose we might as well stay out of the cold until Thompson is ready.

SELINA--There's a draft along there. Don't sit too near the wall.

GENTLEMAN--I'll fix the draft with this screen. (_Places screen across one corner of room._) That will keep that fresh kid from seeing us, too.

SELINA--Why don't you want the boy to see? What are you going to do?

GENTLEMAN--Well, for one thing, kiss you, if I get the chance.

SELINA--(_Severely._) I think you are forgetting yourself.

GENTLEMAN--(_Confusedly._) I beg your pardon. My tongue slipped. I wanted to ask you to, to--I'll take a look at Thompson.

(_Exit Gentleman. Boy makes a smacking noise with his lips._)

BOY--Um, honey!

SELINA--(_Behind screen, exultingly._) It'll be easy enough to work him.

He's ready to drop into my hand now, like a ripe plum. Lord, what fools men are!

(_Boy puts on record, and starts machine. Selina listens a moment, then picks up her skirt, and does a few steps behind screen. Bart and King enter._)