The Breitmann Ballads Part 15

PARDT DE SECONDT.

SHOWING HOW MR. HIRAM TWINE "PLAYED OFF" ON SMITH.[35]

Vide licet. Dere vas a fillage whose vote alone vouldt pe Apout enof to elegdt a man und give a mayority, So de von who couldt "scoop" dis seddlement vouldt make a lucky hit, But dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, dey all go von on Schmit.

Now id hoppinet to gome to ba.s.s, dat in dis little town, De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin' dat Mishder Schmit coom down, His brinciples to foresetzen und his idees to deach- (Id est, fix oop de brifate pargains) - und telifer a p.o.o.plic shbeech.

Now Twine vas a gyrotwistive cuss ash blainly ish peen shown, Und vas always an out-findin' votefer might pe known, Und mit some of his circ.u.mswindles he fix de matter so, Dat he'd pe himself at dis meeding, und see how dings vas go.

Oh shdrangely in dis leben de dings kits vorked apout, Oh voonderly Fortuna makes doorn us inside out.

Oh sinkular de loock-vheel rolls - dis liddle meeding dere, Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum: - shoosh suit him to a hair.

Now it hopponet on dis efenin', de Deutschers von und all, Vere erwaitin' mit oonpatience de onfang of de Ball, Und de shates of nighdt vere fallin' und de shdars pegin to plink, Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoory, for 'twas dime to dake a trink.

Dey hear some hoofs a dramplin' - und dey saw und d.i.n.ked dey know'd, De bretty greature coomin' on his horse entlang de road, Und ash he ride town invard de likeness vas so blain, Dey donnered out "Hoora for Schmit!" enof to make it rain.

Der Twine vas shdart like plazes - boot oop shdardet too his vit, Und he d.i.n.ks, "Great turnips! - vhot if I couldt ba.s.s for Colonel Schmit!

Gaul darn my heels I'll do it - and go the total swine, Oh soap b.a.l.l.s! - what a chance!" said dis dissembulatin' Twine.

Denn'twas "Willkomm! willkomm! Mishder Schmit!"

rings aroom on efery site, Und "First-rate - how dy do, yourself?" der Hiram Twine replied, Dey ashk him "Coom und dake a trink" - boot dey find id mighdy gueer, Vhen Twine informed em none boot hogs vould trink dat shtinkin' bier.

Dat lager vas nodings boot boison, und as for Sharman wein, He d.i.n.ks it vas erfounden exbressly for Sharman schwein, Dat he himself was a demperanceler, dat he gloria in de name, Und adfised dem all for tecence's sake to go und do de same.

Dese bemarks, among de Deutschers, vere apout as vell receife, Ash cats in a game of den-pins - ash you may of coorse peliefe, De heats of de recebtion vent down a dootzen degrees, Und in blace of hurraws was only heardt de roostlin' of de drees.

Und so in solemn stille dey scorched him to de hall, Vhere he maket de crate oradion vhitch vas so moosh to blease dem all, Und dis vay he pegin it: "Pefore I furder go, I vish dat my obinions, you puddin-het Dutch, shouldt know.

"Und eher I norate furder, I d.i.n.k it only fair, Ve shouldt oonderstand each oder, prezackly, chunk and square; Dere are points on vitch ve tisagree, und I will plank de facts- I tont go round slanganderin' my friendts pehind deir packs.

"So I beg you dake it easy, if on de raw I touch, Vhen I say I can't apide de sound of your groonting s.h.i.+s.h.i.+ng Dootch, Should I in de Legisladure as your slumgullion stand, I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch, droo all dis 'versal land.

"Should a husband talk it to his frau, to deat' he should pe led, If a mutter breat' it to her s.h.i.+ld, I'd bunch her in de head; Und I'm sure dat none vill atvocate id's use in p.o.o.plic schools, Oonless dey're peastly, nashdy, prutal, saur-kraut eadin' fools."

Here Mishder Twine, to gadder breat', shoost make a liddle pause, Und see sechs hundert gapin' eyes - sechs hundert shdaring' chaws!

Dey shtanden erstarrt like frozen - von faindly dried to hiss:- Und von saidt: "Ish id shleeps I'm treamin' - Gottstausend! - vhot ish dis?

Twine keptet von eye on de vindow, - boot boldly vent ahet, "Of your oder shtinkin' hobits no vordt needt here pe set; Shdop goozlin' bier - shdop shmokin' bipes - shdop rootin'

in de mire, Und shoost un-Dutchify yourselfs! - dat's all dat I require."

Und denn dere coomed a s.h.i.+ndy ash if de shky hat trop: "Trow him mit ecks, py doonder! - go - shlog him on de kop!

Hei! shoot him mit a powie-knifes! - go for him, ganz and gar!

Shoost tar him mit some fedders! - led's fedder him mit tar!"

Sooch a teufel's row of furie vas nefer oopkicket pefore,- Some roosh to on-climb de blatform, - some hoory to festen de toor,- Von veller vired his refolfer - boot de pullet missed her mark, She coot de cort of de shandelier - it vell - und de hall vas tark!

Oh vell vas it for Hiram Twine dat nimply he couldt shoomp!

Und vell dat he light on a mist-hauf und nefer feel de boomp!

Und vell for him dat his coot cray horse shtood sottelet shoost outside!

Und vell dat in an augenblick he vas off on a teufel's ride!

Bang! bang! de sharp pistolen shots vent pipin' py his ear, Boot he tortled oop de barrick road like any moundain deer, Dey trowed der Hiram Twine mit shteins - boot dey only could be-mark Von climpse of his vhite ober-coat - und a clotterin'

droo de dark.

So dey gesempeled togeder, ein ander to sprechen mit, Und allow dat soosh a Rede dey nefer exshpegt from Schmit!

Dat he vas a foorst-gla.s.s plackguard, und so pig a lump ash ran, So - nemine contradicente - dey vented for Breitemann.

Und 'twas annerthalb yar dere after before de Schmit vas know, Vhat maket dis rural fillage go pack oopon him so, Und he schwored at de Dutch more schlimmer ash Hiram Twine had done,- Note bene: he tid it in earnest, while der Hiram's vas pusiness-fun.

Boot vhen Breitmann heardt de shtory how de fillage hat been dricked, He schwore bei Leib und Leben, dat he'd rader hafe peen licked, Dan be helpet droo sooch slumgoozlin', - und 'twas petter to pe a schwein, Dan a schvindlin', honeyfooglin' shnake, like dat lyin'

Yankee Twine.

Und pegot so heavy disgootet mit de boledics of dis land, Dat his friendts could barely keep him from trowin' oop his hand, Vhen he held shtraight-flush mit an ace in his poot- vitch phrase ish all de same, In de science of pokerology, ash if he got de game.

So Breitmann cot elegdet, py vollowin' de vay, Ve manage our elegdions oonto dis fery day.

Dis shows de Deutch Dummehrlichkeit - also de Yankee "wit:"- Das ist das abenteuer how Breitmann lick der Schmit.

BREITMANN AS AN UHLAN.

"Bjo foeri ek ther, Brynthings apaldr!

Magni blandinn Ok magentiri, Fullr er hann ljoda."

-Sigrdrifurnal

"Beer I bear to thee, Battle's great apple-tree!

Mingled with might And with bright glory, All full of song."

-The Edda.

I.

THE VISION.

"Dere vas vonce oopon a dimes a Frantchman who asket if a Sharman could hafe esprit. Allowin for his pad shbellin, de reater will find dat der Herr Breitmann was hafe a spree goot many dimes. You gant ged rount de Dootch." - FRITZ SWACKENHAMMER.

GOTTS blitz! blau Feuer, potz bomben Tod!

Vot s.h.i.+mmers in de mitnacht roth?

Like h.e.l.l-shtrom boorst o'er heafen's plain, Trowin dead light on eart acain:- Ja! - wide im nord om Odin shtone Lies a s.h.i.+ant form im glare alone.

Troonk py de eis-kalt roarin shdream Der Hans ish hafe ein wunder tream.

Troonk om haunted Odinstein Im Hexenlicht und Elfenschein Vhere blooty Druids omens trew From grin und screech of shaps dey slew; Or vhere der Norseman long of yore Vas carven eagles on de sh.o.r.e, As o'er him yell de Valkyr broot Und crows valk round knee teep im ploot, Vhile rabens schkreem o'er ruddy bay; Dere - ten pottles troonk - Hans Breitmann lay.

Fast und rof der war-man shnore Like de hammer-shlog of Thor, Schnell ash Mjollner's bang und beat Heaved de form from het to veet Vhile apofe him in de shkies Dere he saw a glorie rise, Und im mittle von it all De iron lords of crate Valhall.

Long he gaze mit wolfen glare At de Aesir in de air, Long mit schneerin baren grin He toorn his nase auf und hin (For ne'er a Sherman - tam de otts- Vas efer yet gife in to Gotts), Dill avery Aes owned oop dat he A gott-like man of bra.s.s moost pe.

Shtern der Breitmann raise his het, To his fader Gotts he set: "Let your worts of wisehood shlip; Rush your runes, und let 'em rip!

For you de gotts hafe efer pe Of dose who vere ash gotts to me:- Alt Thor der Th.o.r.en here pelow- Vot h.e.l.l you vants,[36] I'd like to know?"