Cold Sands Chapter 6

VI Times Past

The attack on South Hill Pa.s.s hasn’t been commenced yet for some reason. At least it hasn’t by the time I become well enough to walk freely. Well, I did recover pretty quickly which, Murong Yu says, is all due to the good medicine that was originally prepared for him. 

No matter what, he saved me and I owe him a big one. 

I shake my head in an effort to get all these haphazard thoughts out and then put down the pile of books I had in my arms onto his desk. I turn around to leave. 

“Han Xin,” he says without even looking up and points to the teapot. “There is no more tea. Make another pot, and remember—I want it hot, not warm!” 

I start to curse him in my mind. 

Who do you think I am, Murong Yu? Your personal retinue? It’s not like you didn’t have any before I came along! 

But despite my discontent I pick up the pot obediently. He looks up with a smile, eyes narrowed, as if content with my behaviour. I flash a foolish grin and take my leave. 

Sunlight comes pouring down in brilliant gold beams through the thin layers of clouds and hits the ground with spots of various sizes. There is no one on the training field other than some soldiers on watch duty. 

I crouch in front of the stove and zone out while the water boils. 

I’m being ordered around by him because of that big favour that I owe him. It hasn’t even been a day yet and I have become his favourite entourage to order around. I have to follow him around from the moment he leaves the training field; when he eats, I serve; when he reads reports, I grind ink; even when he sleeps, I have to make the bed. If I show the tiniest sign of unwillingness he would give me a discontent look and bark at me: ‘Do you want to go back to prison that badly?’ 

Staring at the flames burning carelessly in the stove, I unknowingly shake my head. 

Of course I don’t. I still think it’s better to have some freedom than none at all—even if it means getting bullied by him like this. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. It’s not like it’s the first time s.h.i.+tty things are happening to me. Plus I must find a way to get the h.e.l.l away from this place....

I let out a soft sigh, reminiscing the events of the past few days. 

See, I found such a way a couple days ago. I had discovered that one guard would secretly go meet with his gal. I had observed him closely for several days but right when I got ready to execute my escape plan on a windy, moonless night Murong Yu stopped me in an odd way. 

'I can’t sleep. Come sit with me.'

His face had been buried in the shadow of the moonlight. I couldn’t see his expression or decipher his tone so all I could do was plop down nervously next to him on the gra.s.s. He had on a white night robe. His face was lowered and the gaze that was usually icy and distant had lost its ice, leaving only cold loneliness in those globes. 

He didn’t speak and I didn’t want to tempt him so we just sat there in chilling silence. 

A breeze had blown across the field and swept dead gra.s.s up into the air, making the thin blades dance a desolate dance under the frosty silver moonlight. 

I have no idea what could have made a mighty crown prince like him that lonely. He’s the first-born son of the Yan Emperor. The Emperor especially adores him even though his mother pa.s.sed away early, bestowing him peerage at a very young age. Furthermore, he has many victorious campaigns under his belt. Chances are that he will be the one to ascend the throne in the near future and hold incredible power and immense wealth. 

Therefore, I had thought: Shouldn’t he be in high spirits instead and get more fired up with each battle? Why would there be loneliness in his eyes like that? 

‘What are you…looking at me for?’

His utterance had startled me and I saw he was already looking up so I hurriedly turned away and focused on the gra.s.s in front of me. 

‘Why can’t you sleep again?’

I saw him shaking his head from the corner of my eyes. ‘I do not know. I just can’t. It’s weird. I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow on those nights when the sound of battle echoed all around the camp but I actually cannot fall asleep now that it’s nice and quiet.’

He chuckled; the shape of his brows was almost gentle as he pushed strands of loose hair out of the way. I gave a light smile and remained silent. We remained that way until the moon climbed to the top of the sky. 

Only then did he mumble. ‘It is late. Let us all go to bed.’

The sound of water boiling brings me out of my daze. I shoot up and reach out to pour the boiling water into the pot, but something goes ‘thump’ behind me. I dodge to the side instinctively. Something brushes past my face with a sharp whistle. 

A b.o.o.by trap? How come it hasn’t gone off before? 

I stay in the corner for some time but there doesn’t seem to be any more activity so I stick my head out. After checking (several times), I come out of hiding. Only when I wander near the door do I find sunlight coming through a hole the size of a nail in the paper. 

I study it for quite some time…but I’ve got nothing. 

Slightly frustrated, I go to the other wall and indeed I find a corresponding hole but only after picking at it for a long time do I find a silver needle about an inch long. A small paper ball is pinned snuggly onto the wall by it. 

You’re kidding me. Again? 

My lips twitch. 

Can’t the old geezer use a more normal method? He just has to be all mysterious…. 

I can’t help but howl, albeit secretly in my mind, after reading the note. If he has ways to get that note to me how could he not know that I’m being dragged around on a very short leash by Murong Yu practically everywhere he goes? 

Depressed, I fling the note into the fire. The flames suddenly flash but dim again the next moment. I decide to accept my misfortunes and pick up the tea pot and walk out sighing. 

I pa.s.s a couple of low-ranking military officers who are chit chatting amongst themselves. 

“The prince is probably gonna get another big fat bonus from the Emperor right?” 

“I think so. His Highness has rendered outstanding contributions. I mean, we’re right outside South Hill Pa.s.s! How much more outstanding than that can ya get?” 

“I heard the emperor’s people’re almost here. He-he, I wonder what sorta reward His Highness’ll receive this time…perhaps a coupla fine beauties…” 

Their voices fade away as I turn a corner to get to Murong Yu’s room and mull over what I just heard. 

Hmm. It seems like the Yan Emperor dotes on him quite a bit, sending people over this urgently. He’s probably worried for this son of his who’s out at war. Perfectly normal to send a couple of women over- 

But come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen him with a woman lately. Hmm. What a diligent worker. 

My thoughts are ruthlessly interrupted by Murong Yu’s unfriendly voice. 

“Hey, you didn’t go get water, did you?” 

“Huh?” I stop in my tracks, run through some ideas and put on an honest face before replying. “Yeah, the fire was too slow so….” 

He looks up from his military reports and glares at me, to which I respond with an innocent look and a hot steaming cup of tea. He shrugs and he takes a small sip before sticking his head into those reports again. 

I sit down in the corner, bored out of my skull, so I pick up a random book. I get past a couple of lines before waves of exhaustion hit me but I don’t dare fall asleep on him. My eyes meander around the room and somehow end up back on him. 

Normally he would bicker with me but when he gets down to business he is 120% focused. His eyes don’t stray and his brush keeps moving; his head is lowered and his eyes unblinking, as if he’s drowning in that pile of reports. 

He’s sitting at his desk so I can only see one side of him. Sunlight falls softly through the windows and lines his figure with an extremely pale light, making the outlines of his face even more distinct. His tall nose bridge, tightly pursed lips and slightly furrowed brows—seems as though he’s in deep thought. There’s none of the usual overwhelming aura or any inhospitality. Even the playfulness he has when he bickers with me is gone. 

I nod slowly. I must admit, he’s an outstanding man. I’ve gotten to know him better after being with him these days: he’s probably the prince who leads battles most often, he definitely has a very unfriendly personality (he’s fine when he squabbles with me but he’s basically a frozen hunk of ice in front of other people), but a cold personality, even a slightly twisted one, is understandable seeing that his mother died early….

I fall asleep from boredom with the book in hand in this warm stuffy room. 

After who knows how long, I kind of feel light breaths on me and a warm hand on my cheek. I think it is part of my dream so I bat at it with my hand and it disappears. I s.h.i.+ft into a more comfortable position and continue to chat with the Sandman. 

But soon after the strange sensation comes back again and doesn’t stop. 

“Shtawppit….” I grumble as I turn my face away. 

The funny feeling follows and I get irritated. I rip my eyes open and see Murong Yu about a step away. It looks as if he had just put his hands behind his back and looked away. His lips are pursed and he turns his head away calmly. 

I rub my eyes, touch my face, yawn and ask him, “Aren’t you supposed to be reading those reports of yours?” 

I see his lips moving but nothing comes out. His eyes dart around and something about it seems unnatural but it disappears the next moment. He rolls his eyes at me but refuse to give me a reply. 

Okay then…. I have never actually seen him looking uneasy like this before. 

My gaze seems to irritate him and he frowns. “Just what are you looking at?” 

“Nothin’.” I shrug. “Just not fully awake yet.” 

He rolls his eyes a little and sits back down. “I’m done with these. Put them back.” He points to the pile of reports. 

I nod in acknowledgement and just as I finish stacking them all up and get them in my arms he gets up and stops me. 

“Do you not want to know what the reports say, Han Xin?” He leans in and asks. 

I waver but it hits me right away. 

Murong Yu, this sort of second-rate trick won’t work on me. My cousins pulled the same thing the first time they bullied me all those years back. If I can’t fight I can still run, can’t I? 

I smile politely. “Sorry, I’m not interested.” 

He watches me suspiciously as if trying to dig two holes in me. 

I yawn again lazily. “I shall take my leave if there is nothing else, Your Highness.” 

Then I casually turn and leave with the reports not giving his reaction a care in the world. 

The old geezer said that he’d meet me at some windy, moonless, completely deserted place where birds don’t even fly over. This leaves me antic.i.p.ating. 

Well, his name is obviously not ‘old geezer’ but that’s how I secretly call him in my mind. His name is Liao Tianyi. Uncle used to hire him as the household’s live-in teacher. Uncle had told me that he was a man of talent, knowledge and wisdom and a famous scholar but that he had a strange personality. He didn’t want to hold any t.i.tles or recognition and only wanted to be a teacher at the Minister’s Mansion.

If I have to think of something good I got from that place, it would have to be him. He had taught us to read and write and to debate and compose. He would also tell us many epic tales of heroes and adventurers and when he did every one of us, no matter how much of a troublemaker we were, listened attentively with wide, impressed eyes. 

A lot of the times he wouldn’t even get mad if he found me hiding in the library reading,. Instead he would smile kindly, pat my head and tell me, one by one, about things such as how to run a country, strategies, tactics and other stuff I don’t think I would ever need in my life. 

I had asked him, many times, why he told me those things, but he’d always give me an indecipherable reply. 

‘You’ll have a need for them one day, Han Xin.’ He would say. 

I enjoyed having a teacher like that very much though I still can’t understand a lot of what he has taught me. There was someone who applies medicine for me when my cousins bullied me, someone who read stories for me, someone who saw me as a proper human being, someone who cared….

Just when I start to worry about how I’m supposed to sneak out and meet with the old geezer with Murong Yu’s constant surveillance, Murong Yu actually tells me that he needs to see to some officials coming from the Yan court, sent by the Emperor, so I won’t be needed. 

Hallelujah! 

I don’t forget about his unnerving gaze and chilling expression, of course, while I’m secretly celebrating. 

“No wandering around without my permission. If you dare even try running away…you will wish you were never born!” He warns. 

I arrive at the rendezvous at the agreed time. After bearing close to one hour of the night wind’s cruel and unforgiving torture, I start to wonder: did the old geezer decide to blow me off? 

The night is tranquil and nothing stirs. 

I wrap my clothes tighter in hopes to regain some warmth. After who knows how long, the moon has already gone into hiding behind gloomy clouds and left the blazing orange camp fires off in the distance as the only light source. 

I curl myself into the corner as I hear faint footsteps of patrols and the metallic clanking. I huff into my hands and only then I realise they’re almost frozen. 

I curse under my breath. “You’d better not stand me up, old geezer-” 

“Who are you talking ‘bout, you lil’ rascal.” 

Something hits me hard on my head and I quickly glance up to see a person watching me leisurely with a whip in hand. I squint and stand up when I finally recognize him. 

“Old geezer-” 

He smirks as he whacks me again. “Is that what you call your teacher now, you lil’ punk?” 

“Sorry. Sorry.” I immediately correct myself. “Master Liao.” 

Everyone else knows him as a talented scholar but I know he also has a few more tricks up his sleeve that he just never shows publicly. So I don’t even need to wonder how he got in here; the silver needle the other day is also a regular of his. 

We look like two soldiers trying to keep warm as we huddle together. 

The old geezer is in his forties but his eyes are as sharp as ever. There’s some dark-coloured stubble on his jaw and his black robe makes him look ever lankier. 

“Master, if you can come and go from here so freely why don’t you bring me along? Saves me all this suffering.” 

He rolls his eyes at me. “I can’t believe you’d say something that shameful.” 

I heave an exasperated sigh. “But Master, it’s not like I wanted to get caught. Plus I can’t leave by myself. Why all the ha.s.sle coming here if you really want me to die in here?” 

He smiles again. “It doesn’t look so bad to me. I mean you’re doing a pretty good job pourin’ and serving tea and such.” 

My breath catches short. “I have to because if I don’t I’d suffer even more!” 

“Anyway, I didn’t come to chit-chat today.” He faces me with a serious look. “I need to talk with you.” 

I haven’t heard him speak in such a tone and an ominous feeling starts edging up on me. 

“Han Xin, when are you going to stop this act? I hope you aren’t planning to continue this for the rest of your life.” 

My heart jumps to my throat. I get up to leave, not wanting to listen any further, but he hooks onto my wrist. 

“I know. You have been ignored and bullied since you were young and you have never given a d.a.m.n. But now that it has come to this, are you still going to continue this act?” His tone is full of warning. 

I turn my head away, not wanting to respond now the cat has been let out of the bag. 

“You might be all cozy up here but do you know what is happening out there?” 

“Of course I do.” I scoff lightly.” All the lords of Great Rui have sent their army to aid the emperor but all have faced absolute defeat in the face of the Yan army. No survivors. Not even the lords. Marshal Heng in the south has a large army under command but there’s no sign of him sending reinforcements and the capital is facing imminent danger now that Rope Hill Creek has fallen.” 

He nods as his emotionless eyes watch me. “Good. You do know a thing or two.” 

“But what does that all have to do with me?” I violently s.n.a.t.c.h my hand away. “All I want is to live a normal life. All this n.o.bility status is nothing but a burden. Plus no one even sees me that way. I am already doing them a huge favour, not busting their a.s.ses after all those whippings! Whether they live or die has nothing to do with me.” 

“Watch your mouth!” He immediately scowls angrily. “You are not only n.o.bility, you are….” 

“Huh?” 

I take a peek at him, feeling a piece of the puzzle missing. 

His body shakes as he quietly stares at me. After a while he turns around and ignores me. I lightly tug on his sleeve, thinking I probably overdid it this time. 

“C’mon. I apologize,” I mutter. “Master Liao….” 

“How could you possibly say that it has nothing to do with you?” 

His voice is extremely soft as if he’s asking me but asking himself at the same time. I stop and watch him, not knowing what to do. 

The silence is like death, holding everything around us in place. Countless thoughts run through my head and I can’t form any solid ones. 

He turns with a mysterious expression and declares. “You will never have a normal life, Han Xin.” 

I see red like I’ve just been hammered on the head. I shoot up and turn to him. 

“This is my life! No one can live it for me. And all this war and nation bulls.h.i.+t has nothing to do with me!” 

I start das.h.i.+ng away when I hear his voice from behind. “And you are fine living under them?” 

I whip around and glare at him, my tone as certain as metal. “I will leave! Whether it’s this place or Great Rui!” 

Icy wind whistles past. 

I trudge along a small path with no sense of direction. The moon peeks through the clouds and s.h.i.+nes a desolate shadow on the ground. There’s no sign of people anywhere. After turning a corner I glance up unknowingly and suddenly stop in my tracks. A lonely figure is sitting in the gallery. 

Isn’t that…Murong Yu? Isn’t he meeting with some Yan officials or something? Why would he sitting here this late by himself? 

He’s clothed in a simple light-coloured robe. His head is slightly bowed; his eyes shut as if in deep thought but an awesome nimbus still hovers about him. A wine pot is held in front of him and the wind sends over a strong waft of alcohol. 

I guess he’s in a bad mood or something. 

Deciding not to bug him, I nudge backwards and am about to leave when… 

“Not another step.” 

I halt and he slowly looks up. “Han Xin, come…drink with me.” 

They say wine brings joy to the heart. After we down more than a few cups in our stomachs, our cheeks flush and our conversation becomes more spirited. 

“As I had expected…Father sending his people today…” He picks up his cup and speaks to the sky and the moon. “He doesn’t completely trust me after all.” 

“No way…” I rest my head upon my hand and watch the liquor in my cup as I ask. “Why’d a father…not trust his own son?” 

He downs the entire cup and smirks bitterly. “You wouldn’t…understand.” 

I take a sip and glance at him. “An’ that’s why you’re drinkin’ by yourself?” 

He nods and fills up his cup again. 

“Ya know, you’ll feel better if you talk about it.” 

He suddenly glowers with suspicion and I hurriedly add, “Isokay if you don’t though. I don’t wanna invade your privacy…or whatever.” 

An unfamiliar emotion flashes in his eyes. Sadness? I’m stumped. Sadness? Not really a word fit for him. 

He hesitantly utters. “I’m…Crown Prince of Yan but…no’ne knows that I’ve Rui blood in me too. Mother was the daughter of…an influential family in Rui and was taken by Father in a battle. Father admired her…talent and pa.s.sion an’ made her his concubine.” 

He bows his head down and whispers so softly I can barely hear him. “But…Mother hated ‘im. Even when she gave birth t’ me…she still hated ‘im…and was ambivalent even to me.” 

Suddenly I think of the parents that I’ve never met and my heart clenches. I pat him on his back empathetically. But he doesn’t stop there—probably had too much to drink. 

“Mother missed her home dearly…an’ died six years after givin’ birth t’ me…Father might be fond o’ me…but I’ve four brothers who all come from prestigious backgrounds…so I’ve no one to rely on…but myself.” 

I’m sprawled on the stone table as I gaze at him through hazy eyes—probably had too much to drink, too. “So…so you lead your troops and fight battles everywhere?” 

“They all have the support of their maternal relatives…but I’ve got nothing…Only military accomplishments can help me secure my position.” 

Now that I have the bigger picture, I nod knowingly. “And now yer father doesn’t trust you…so that’s why yer…yer sad.” 

He dips his head down in a nod but comes up again to look at me. He points a long slender finger at me. “Bingo.” 

He pours another cup to the brim and stares at me for a minute before remembering his words. 

“So, Han Xin, what were…your parents like?” 

I close my eyes tight, my mind a mess. I mutter after contemplating, “I…dunno…I’ve ne’er met them.” 

“Surely you remember…a lil’?” 

I shake my head and drink up. “I…really dunno…I can’t recall anything before age nine.” 

His eyes widen. “What d’you mean?” 

“E’ery time I…tried t’ remember…my head wud hurt so much…so I just stopped tryin’.” 

His face flushes red and a mist gathers in those black eyes. 

“I guess that’s one thing we ‘ave in common.” 

My surroundings become fuzzy and I can’t see Murong Yu that well either. I t.i.tter as I drink one last cup and feel my body float like a feather while my vision blurs out of focus. 

After a long period of giddiness, I suddenly feel something soft underneath me. My body gets hotter and hotter and my head gets heavier and heavier. I toss and turn around in the dizziness and find a comfy spot and then get ready for a good night’s sleep. 

Then something heavy is squis.h.i.+ng me. 

Stupid alcohol, look what you’ve done. I can’t even open my eyes, let alone get this thing off. 

After a few attempts, it actually becomes heavier. That stupid alcohol was actually quite strong—I’m practically burning. But suddenly I feel something cold. I peel open my eyelids only to see a pair of glowing black eyes. I look into them for a moment then start glancing around and catch a glimpse of my naked chest. 

No wonder. s.h.i.+rt—Where’s my s.h.i.+rt? 

Hot breaths. .h.i.t my face. I think there’s someone trying to talk to me but I can’t hear s.h.i.+t with this headache. 

What the heck is going on? 

I feel my face getting hotter and a scorching tongue pushes into my mouth, going into every corner with its fiery temperature as if it’s found an outlet. I only recognize the face after several attempts. 

Murong Yu’s shadow completely enshrouds me. His rushed pants sound especially rough from above. His face is getting more and more flushed and his usually clear eyes have become tainted with l.u.s.t. He peers at my useless struggles and his breathing becomes more ragged. 

My drunken mind tries to process this information but before it gets to a conclusion he dips down again in a blink of an eye. I instinctively turn my head to one side and I feel my neck being sucked and gnawed on. 

Wha-what the h.e.l.l is he doing? Could it be that he’s so drunk that he’s mistaken me for a woman? Or maybe he got aroused from the alcohol? 

I mean, I haven’t seen him with a woman recently. Or maybe…he’s also interested in men. I s.h.i.+ft over a bit and giggle. 

“Wha.s.so funny?” He breathes beside my ear while rubbing me all over the place. 

So, His Highness, the crown prince, has this special fetish, too. Why didn’t he just tell me earlier? It’s nothing to be embarra.s.sed about; I won’t make fun of him. 

“Murong Yu!” 

“Wut?” 

I finally get Lothario’s claws under control and instruct, “Out the door, turn left an’ go to the end. There’s a three-storey building wit’ a string o’ red lanterns—the most famous brothel in town. If you keep goin’ in you’ll see the male brothel. Tall’uns, short’uns, fat’uns, skinny uns, whatever you want, they’ve got. Don't you worry. I’ll hook you up, brother. It’s on me—I can get you 20% off.” 

I give him a hearty clap on the shoulder too to show him what a good-hearted, generous friend I am and instantly I feel his weight leave a bit. 

What a smart guy. He gets it already. 

Considering this, I let go of his hands and roll over. I mumble as I drag the blankets along, “I won’t get in the way o’ the long night that lies ahead o’ you…just don’t forget t’ shut the door on yer way out…ah, tired…” 

I yawn but a palm unexpectedly sc.r.a.pes loudly across my face. I snap back up but he’s already standing, pulling his robe on and watching me with a face like thunder. 

Any sign of sleep disappears instantly. I sit there with my hand on my face, not sure what to do. His highness’s face is stormy and his lips are twitching. His whole body is tense save for his wildly rising and falling chest. It’s as if he’s trying to suppress extreme anger. 

Wh-what? 

I only thought what you were thinking and worried about what you were worried about. I won’t laugh at you even if I know about your little secret. It’s not even rare for royalty to have male lovers. 

So why did you have to hit me? 

He scowls and then whips around, not forgetting to slam the door shut. 

Bang! Dust collected on the door ledge comes fluttering down, and even the candle flames shake. 

“Weirdo.” 

Only after a while I put my hand down and collapse on my pillow.