Kokoro Connect Vol 5 Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Protagonist of This Story is…

When she had finished lunch with her friends and was on her way back to her cla.s.sroom, Enjouji s.h.i.+no spotted the silhouettes of Nagase Iori, Inaba Himeko, and Aoki Yos.h.i.+fumi in the courtyard. They were uppercla.s.smen belonging to the Cultural Research Club.

s.h.i.+no found an excuse and sent her friends back to the cla.s.sroom without her.

I should go and talk to them.

She thought that, but her feet would not move, as though they had sprouted roots into the ground.

If I stay here, without moving, maybe they will notice me –— s.h.i.+no thought, gazing off towards her three fellow students. Since they were quite a distance away, s.h.i.+no could not hear a thing they were saying.

It was always like this for her: holding onto this kind of feeling, placing herself in this kind of position.

But today, s.h.i.+no’s footsteps grew heavier and heavier because of something else.

Just as Kiriyama Yui, who belonged to the same Cultural Research Club as those three laughing together, walked straight past them.

Usually, Yui would join them and their conversation.

But she only gave a small nod of acknowledgement, and pa.s.sed them with her friends.

As though they were heading in completely different directions.

As though they were not friends at all, and merely familiar with each other’s faces.

Seeing this, Nagase’s expression became lonely. Inaba looked unusually despondent. But Aoki looked as though he had been cornered.

The uppercla.s.smen who normally sparkled with energy today exuded a heavy, acerbic atmosphere. Their bond that had once been the envy of many others had disappeared without a trace.

Their bond had not been severed — it had completely disappeared.

As Yui and her two friends walked towards s.h.i.+no, their conversation reached her ears.

“Hey, Yui. Did something happen with your club? Are you arguing with those people from the Cultural Research Club?”

“It… It’s nothing, Yukina. Nothing’s… happening at all.”

“That’s so~ suspicious~, you’re clearly avoiding Iori and Yaegas.h.i.+ and the others in cla.s.s as well.”

“You’re imagining things… Yeah. Hey, don’t worry about it… Please.”

“Since you’re pleading like this, Yui, I can’t help but… Aw. If there’s something bothering you, you’ve got to let me know… ‘kay?”

The girl met eyes with s.h.i.+no. s.h.i.+no had seen her before; she remembered her as someone in track and field, who had made trouble for the team during a marathon.

The girl seemed to notice s.h.i.+no as well; she displayed a white smile reminiscent of a toothpaste commercial. s.h.i.+no felt slightly moved.

But Yui—

—merely glanced at s.h.i.+no, then turned away as though she had lost interest.

Without breathing a word.

Without waving.

Even her face was placidly dispa.s.sionate.

It was as though they were not even acquaintances; merely pa.s.sersby on a busy street.

—

Earlier that day, Yaegas.h.i.+ Taichi and Kiriyama Yui had lost .

Why exactly had they lost them, and what had induced such a change? No one had done anything. But the reality that everyone needed to face was that Taichi and Yui had suddenly keeled onto the floor and developed retrograde amnesia.

Memory loss normally warranted rus.h.i.+ng to the hospital for treatment— But Inaba-senpai and the other three decided that there was no need, since the memories that had been lost were very limited, and— although they didn’t mention it— the three of them seemed to know the reason behind it all.

The two had forgotten — the existence of the Cultural Research Club, what had happened in the Cultural Research Club, the human connections that had formed in the Cultural Research Club… and so on and so forth. Everything that had to do with the Cultural Research Club had been utterly scooped clean from their memories.

In other words, they still remembered everything, except the Cultural Research Club. So Taichi and Yui’s daily lives were not affected in any way.

Even if the other three in the Cultural Research Club had lost that certain degree of familiarity with those two, they were in the same year together, and they had at least greeted each other several times, enough to call each other their acquaintances. Therefore, although their fellow cla.s.smates felt a little strangely about the whole thing, no one noticed any memory loss.

But s.h.i.+no and Uwa Chihiro, whom they only knew through the Cultural Research Club, had been completely forgotten.

It was something that couldn’t be helped.

s.h.i.+no recalled the situation update given to her by Iori, Inaba, and Aoki.

Taichi and Yui themselves were unaware of their amnesia.

To them, they had never even the according memories, let alone lost them.

But if so, how were they to explain the fact that they never remembered joining the Cultural Research Club?

According to them, Taichi thought he had joined the Professional Wrestling Club, and Yui thought she had joined the Fas.h.i.+on Club (Although… What would such a club do for activities?). They were completely comfortable with the world in which the Cultural Research Club .

Of course, with everything like it was, Iori, Inaba, and Aoki had no reason to be depressed. In order to retrieve their memories, the three of them had tried to tell the duo about what they had done together in the Cultural Research Club, shown them projects they had done together, and many other futile attempts that yielded nothing. Every time they tried, the duo would develop splitting headaches, so much that they would be unable to continue from pain.

If Taichi and Yui were exposed to any idea of friends.h.i.+p within the Cultural Research Club, or detected that they had “forgotten something” — in short, if they got any closer to the root of the problem, their heads would begin to burn with searing pain, rendering them completely unable to think any further.

Because of that, Taichi and Yui forgot everything to do with the Cultural Research Club, and went on with their normal student lives.

“Although you guys aren’t going to believe this, and might not accept that we don’t plan to send them to the hospital, we feel that it’s wrong to keep you and Chihiro in the dark…” Inaba explained slightly uneasily, representing the three uppercla.s.smen of the Cultural Research Club. But s.h.i.+no faced them and said firmly:

“I believe in you guys.”

She couldn’t not believe in them for this matter.

But it was too late. Whatever she couldn’t not believe in, had long pa.s.sed away with the flow of time.

Since she hadn’t done anything, in a certain sense, it could be said that this all had nothing to do with her.

But under certain circ.u.mstances, non-partic.i.p.ating bystanders were in themselves harmful. Therefore, without a hint of doubt, she had committed a sin.

It was she, who had destroyed that once idyllic world.

She was, a useless moron who served absolutely no purpose.

—

In the morning, s.h.i.+no plucked up her courage and approached Chihiro. She would not run away this time.

I’ll definitely, definitely do it right his time. — s.h.i.+no vowed silently. You can do it. This was her duty. She must do it right.

“Chi, Chihiro-kun…”

She was turning a new leaf.

She was already determined.

There was no one else in the hallway; Chihiro turned his head wordlessly.

“Hmm…”

Chihiro’s expression turned violent, startling s.h.i.+no, who inadvertently let out a whimper. His eyes were darkened with black circles, he stared straight ahead, his face was frail and weak; he looked ill, even dangerous.

Chihiro had been haggard recently, and now, he looked at the end of his rope.

As to the reason —

“T-The senpais have fallen into a very messy situation.”

This elicited no reaction whatsoever from Chihiro, who stared directly at s.h.i.+no, his eyes lacking even the smallest bit of anger.

“… Uh, um, I think that their ordeal this time was definitely not accidental… Right? Because nothing is an accident, so there must be some reason. I didn’t mean that… Uh…”

What was she saying? She didn’t even understand herself.

“Wh-what I mean is…”

She swallowed slowly.

Chihiro was motionless, like a corpse.

“These things…”

Can’t be afraid. Must step forward.

s.h.i.+no’s eyesight heated up.

“Does Chihiro-kun have anything to d-do with it…?”

To “that guy”—

There should have only been that false “guy”, if he really existed.

Chihiro’s face turned green, surprise and fear mixing and working horribly in his complexion.

Seeing him like this, s.h.i.+no understood everything. was not a dream or hallucination at all, or anything false. It was no longer a subject that had nothing to do with her.

It was now, that the reality that dawned upon her.

“… Ha-ah? What, what are you saying?”

There was a long pause; s.h.i.+no broke the silence incoherently.

“I’m saying that… Taichi-senpai and Yui-senpai’s amnesia, has to do with ‘that guy’… And it has to do with Chihiro-kun, and that’s the reason…”

“What’s the reason?”

Chihiro’s eyes widened, his pressuring stare at s.h.i.+no increasing in intensity.

His white face was very frightening; it was mixed with what felt like danger continuously seeping out of his body. s.h.i.+no couldn’t help but recoil.

“Hey, Enjouji. Spit it out, what – is – the reason?”

His stare was not normal at all. The abnormal Chihiro’s face drew suddenly close.

Whatever Chihiro was thinking of doing now, she could not fathom.

“Do you, also know about ‘that guy’?”

Will her own memories be sliced away?

As soon as this thought flashed through her mind, s.h.i.+no’s body and brain tensed up.

Don’t know. Don’t know anything. Didn’t see anything. Didn’t hear anything. Don’t wanna be a part of it.

“That, that guy is…?”

Her mouth moved by itself. She was the one who brought up the topic anyway.

s.h.i.+no forced a laugh.

In order to get away, s.h.i.+no plastered a laugh onto her face.

Don’t think of anything, let this be the end.

She was always like this, like a conditioned reflex carved into her soul.

Attached to it, seeped into it, unable to shake it off.

To Chihiro, what kind of unsightly manner did she have now?

Chihiro opened his mouth.

“It’s nothing, isn’t it?”

Abandoned.

Rejected by Chihiro, by the world.

“You, don’t know anything either, do you?”

No, she wasn’t rejected by a stranger —

“You don’t know, do you?”

Interrogated by Chihiro like this, s.h.i.+no could only nod her head yes.

At this moment, she was completely out of her own control.

She was only following the waves of this world, moving like a puppet.

“Exactly, right?”

Chihiro grinned treacherously. As though declaring the end of the conversation, he turned around, ready to leave.

Watching Chihiro’s back, s.h.i.+no suddenly regained control of herself.

What was she doing? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be determined.

Although it was probably too late, s.h.i.+no still ran after him:

“Chi, Chihiro-kun!”

“… What?”

“Um, um… — Oof?!”

A ribbon on her uniform was seized; Chihiro pulled her right up to him.

s.h.i.+no stared into Chihiro’s wild, bloodshot eyeb.a.l.l.s.

“Shut up, don’t speak that name.”

Detecting danger in front of her, s.h.i.+no nodded frantically.

Chihiro’s fistful of ribbon was injected with raw strength. Her neck was painfully constricted. Scary. Tears slid from s.h.i.+no’s eyes.

Her own tremors were pa.s.sed onto Chihiro’s fist. She shook, and shook… No? The one shaking was… Chihiro?

She was being threatened while grabbed at her chest. Chihiro was grabbing at her chest while threatening her.

But, Chihiro’s fist, seemed to be a plea for help.

For some reason, this bolstered s.h.i.+no’s courage.

She pushed a step forward.

“Chi, Chihiro-kun… I must confess… I, too! I’m the same as Chihiro-kun, I’ve seen — Oof?!”

“I said, don’t speak his name!”

She was frightened. This was scary. Don’t do anything that scary.

“Aahh… Uahh…”

Tears gushed. Breathing was hard. She wasn’t constricted to the point of choking, but normal breathing was hard. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, her rhythm of exhalation, her method of inhalation, was all in shambles.

Chihiro violently threw his hand away, spat “Stay away from me”, then turned and left without looking back, leaving s.h.i.+no behind, who had trouble breathing for a long while.

From then on, no matter how many times she tried, Chihiro ignored her.

Enjouji s.h.i.+no had once encountered in Gotou Ryuuzen’s body.

That was a certain day: while she was walking her dog, she was suddenly spoken to.

The other person was attracting her with an inexplicable force.

The one in front of her was not Gotou Ryuuzen, but someone using his body — a situation hard to believe.

The other person said, that he could bestow a certain power upon her.

If she had that power, she could manipulate the five uppercla.s.smen of the Cultural Research Club however she wanted.

She was disturbed and repugnant. Yet the other person explained that, Uwa Chihiro was in the same situation as she was.

Since it frightened her too much, s.h.i.+no had refused him and escaped in a panicked state.

It must have been a daydream, it must have been fake — as though she were unwilling to accept reality, s.h.i.+no closed her eyes. Something like that could not exist in the real world.

She was unable to do anything in this circ.u.mstance. If she had not been able to pull through, she would have collapsed. Don’t push something dangerous like that onto me!

— Therefore, s.h.i.+no had treated everything as if nothing had happened.

She declared it all a lie, and chased it out of her world.

But, Chihiro had given an answer to that guy that was jarringly different from hers.

And then— something happened.

Since she had not the capacity to explain exactly what, s.h.i.+no did not know what kind of power was planning to give out.

What was she to do? — s.h.i.+no was unable to make a calm decision. In order to solve the problem, she must understand everything through Chihiro first.

Solve, huh?

Imagining the word tumbling from her lips was laughable.

No matter what she did, the end result would not change at all.

Enjouji s.h.i.+no was a mere accessory in this immense world.

She had really tried today. Really fought today.

But it was true; it wasn’t possible.

After school that day, there was a mandatory Sports Festival practice…

s.h.i.+no and everyone else arrived on the field wearing exercise uniforms, and saw Inaba, Nagase, and Aoki already standing there. They seemed to be constantly together nowadays.

“Hey, senpai. About today’s activities…”

“Sorry. We’re not meeting today, either.”

Inaba said shortly. She looked nervous and jittery.

“… Ah, um, it’s not your fault, so don’t look all depressed, okay? But let’s stop club activities for a while. Sorry about that.”

Inaba said gently, remembering that she usually took her own anger out on others.

“Ah, uh… hmm. Is that so…”

“We’re sorry, s.h.i.+no-chan.”

Nagase gave s.h.i.+no a hug, softly comforting her. It was a departure from her usual upbeat self

“I just wanted to ask you again; nothing strange has happened to s.h.i.+no-chan, right? There’s no one around making any suspicious movements, is there?”

“… No, there’s nothing wrong…”

That should count as the truth. Not to mention that she herself was a victim.

Inaba and the others were still extremely concerned for Chihiro and s.h.i.+no — who should be the ones hurting, instead of anyone else.

They were too, too kind. Tears beaded in s.h.i.+no’s eyes; her chest stabbed with pain.

Keeping her knowledge of and Chihiro from Inaba and the others — that was deceiving and cheating them.

No matter how she thought about it, s.h.i.+no didn’t think that they would believe her story about . Not to mention that himself had warned her: “It’d be best not to tell other people about me and stuff like that… or their own good…” — It was a good idea to avoid blurting it out. It would be better to first inquire Chihiro, who seemed to understand everything better.

If she wanted to put in her own effort, she could not add to their burden.

s.h.i.+no took a step away from Nagase’s soft chest.

“… Even though it really sucks that we can’t have our activities, we really don’t have a choice in this situation.”

s.h.i.+no said to the ground, avoiding their eyes.

The three of them apologized to s.h.i.+no; she answered with a small smile: “It’s okay.”

Where and how was she okay? She wasn’t sure about it herself.

Yaegas.h.i.+ Taichi and Kiriyama Yui appeared on the path.

The two of them walked over, shoulder to shoulder.

“Taichi…!”

“Yui…!”

Inaba and Aoki suddenly looked disturbed. Nagase silently clenched her fists.

Watching Inaba and the others, s.h.i.+no turned to look at Taichi and Yui, and her own heart began to hammer relentlessly.

The two of them, who were supposed to have lost their memories and become strangers to each other, were walking shoulder to shoulder.

Just like they were good friends.

s.h.i.+no’s mind crackled with antic.i.p.ation.

Could it be, that everything before had been nothing at all —

Taichi and Yui noticed Inaba and the others.

The two of them suddenly looked irritated. Taichi instantly spun to his right, and Yui spun to her left.

Taking the long path, they went around s.h.i.+no, Inaba, and the others, heading for the middle of the field.

The pentagon had not revived after all.

Taichi and Yui were willingly avoiding everyone else — this reality pierced their hearts like a thorn.

“Tai… chi…”

Inaba mouthed, her right hand reaching after him.

Her once affectionate lover was now intangible, or even responsive.

Everything ceased to exist.

Inaba crumpled to the ground.

“Inaban?!”

Nagase hurried to support her.

“… Ah, sorry… Just a little dizzy.”

The hearts that struggled to keep Inaba and the others together were reaching their limit. Their hearts, were beginning to collapse.

I can’t watch this anymore — s.h.i.+no averted her eyes.

The uppercla.s.smen of the Cultural Research Club were cornered without a plan — something like this was impossible. She refused to believe it.

Even if she was unable to do anything, the senpais should be able to fix everything. That had to be true.

Was this her destiny?

Because something like that — she couldn’t do. It simply wasn’t possible.

That enviable pentagon. Including herself and Chihiro, it would become a heptagon. Would she be upsetting the balance? — s.h.i.+no had once worried. But she soon found that she could finally deal with the issue.

But now, this heptagon had collapsed. With two of them gone, there were only five left. Without Taichi and Yui, who had been replaced with Chihiro and s.h.i.+no — there were only five of them left.

This was unbelievable; she had become a part of the pentagon that she had so admired. But this wasn’t what she had in mind — definitely not.

Yamabos.h.i.+ High School’s Cultural Research Club — it was as though this place were rejecting everything other than the pentagon. Everything was like natural selection: when two members entered, two members would exit.

Has the world decided on such a rule for the Cultural Research Club?

She was letting fate guide her along. She was losing to this world. She did not want to lose — but—

s.h.i.+no hung her head, avoiding everyone’s gaze, and fled the scene.

The Sports Festival practice began. Everyone began to divide into practice groups for the Cheering Compet.i.tion.

The Green Team that s.h.i.+no and Inaba’s belonged to completely fell apart in their practice.

The first, second, and third years of the Green Team were supposed to perform different movements, so they were separately instructed. Yet the teams of first and second years were practicing so poorly that they were unsightly.

The biggest reason for that was that Cla.s.s 1-B, which s.h.i.+no belonged to, was not motivated at all.

Today, during an earlier practice session, Inaba, who usually practiced as the finisher, moved exceptionally slowly today, and Aoki, who usually served to raise collective spirit, looked continuously bewildered – adding fuel to the fire in an already messy situation.

“We’ll start with the gymnastics group —” “Let’s put some more energy into that—”

But no matter how hard the second year students tried, the cool, enthusiastic atmosphere among the first year students did not budge. They were like a group of wriggling zombies.

“I can’t do it.” “So hot…” “Why the h.e.l.l are we doing this?” “Don’t give a d.a.m.n about the Cheering Compet.i.tion…”

Resentful voices intertwined in the air. Although each individual comment was hard to make out, when they were combined together, it seems as though a thick package of malice was being unleashed towards the second years. The atmosphere grew heavier by the second. In this suffocating scene, s.h.i.+no’s own mood began to decline.

Even though she was not the target of attention, s.h.i.+no’s stomach began to writhe horribly.

I hate this feeling.

I want to leave.

s.h.i.+no’s thoughts were likely marred by that ball of malice. That is, she was also an aggressor.

She had thought herself an observer all this time, while in reality, she had become an aggressor long ago.

She had noticed it long ago, but had ignored it, and the ball of malice became heavier and heavier.

Everyone was doing it. She was not doing it on purpose. She couldn’t help it.

So, she was not at fault.

s.h.i.+no’s line of sight landed on the person who was clearly supposed to be the compet.i.tion representative, yet whose movements were apathetic and unmotivated —

Uwa Chihiro.

The murky aura exuding from his entire body was an inescapable, all-consuming, continually increasing darkness that seemed able to devour everyone around him.

She had failed to recognize the danger that the Cultural Research Club faced. The true reason of everything that had happened, the source of all malice, was all Chihiro. It was all Chihiro’s fault. This was the truth.

But—

She had thought herself an observer all this time, while in reality, she had become an aggressor long ago.

—

I hate myself.

With the Sports Festival practice finally over, s.h.i.+no changed into normal clothing and came to the rooftop of the east school building, reflecting on her day. She couldn’t help but feel dejected.

Feeling the cold wind on her alone, s.h.i.+no gazed afar to the sports field.

Alone, she could finally let out a sigh of relief. The roof occasionally had some people on it, but they were preoccupied with themselves, and no one paid attention to her. Perfect. Although the sky was gray and overcast, the summer weather had no intention of abating.

s.h.i.+no leaned on the railing and sighed softly.

She was too ashamed, which was unlike herself.

She had clearly made the decision to make an all-out effort. But even as she thought that, unconsciously, she had returned to her usual hopeless way of thinking.

She was supposed to be determined. She was supposed to be turning over a new leaf. That morning, she clearly still had that strong desire.

— Even so, her determination had lasted merely half a day.

She had been driven by a mission, she had decided to solve her problem with her own strength, yet somewhere down the line, once again, she had pushed everything to other people.

Until today, she had lost count of how many times it had happened.

She had been inspired many times by novels, manga, movies — she had challenged herself many times, she had told herself, “You can’t keep doing this.”

She wanted to be more open. To become good at sports. To get better grades. To make more friends. To have a more interesting life. To be loved.

She wanted, to be happier.

She wanted to change herself.

She had to change herself.

She wanted to try and take a step forward.

But, s.h.i.+no had followed her own ideals and taken one step, two steps, three steps, then stopped. Having stopped dead in place, she fell back to square one.

— It was as though, in this world, she was destined to stop in place, no matter how much she tried to advance.

Why was she unable to change herself?

She had tried to go forward.

Entering high school and joining a club adequate for high school life was already a magnificent adventure for her. In an effort to move closer to her desired image, s.h.i.+no had also tried to get close to the people who weren’t completely on the same dimension as her.

She had tried to go forward.

Although she was scared beyond belief, she had also directly faced .

She had tried to go forward.

To break that situation, she had even gone up against the aggressive Chihiro.

But even if she went forward, she eventually crashed and burned.

She had really tried. She had really given it her best effort.

Hey, was she really a good-for-nothing sack of s.h.i.+t?

Completely useless, completely unhelpful.

She had no meaning in this world.

From behind the railing, s.h.i.+no looked over the view. To melt into the wind, become a blood-red flower, and wipe away all the cares of the world — What on earth was she thinking? She needed to have restraint in her jokes. Slightly frightened, s.h.i.+no backed away from the railing.

Just then, she saw —

Nagase seemed to be in the courtyard. s.h.i.+no squinted her eyes, focusing. Oh, not just Nagase; Inaba and Aoki were also there. It seemed that the three of them were discussing something.

Separated from them by a faraway s.p.a.ce, s.h.i.+no overlooked their three silhouettes.

Looking at them from far, far away, the senpais that usually seemed amazing looked no different than other people. If there was a G.o.d, every living being probably looked like this to him.

If that were true, then all human action and desire would be nearly meaningless.

Born according to fate, yet unaware of it, so one competes with it; originally supposed to conform to the long river of life, yet always going against the river current, inviting pain and suffering.

If she lived out her life without caring for anything, what exactly —

Then, in the world below her, Nagase and the others seemed to finish their discussion, and the three of them left each other.

Did they suddenly decide on something, or were they talking about something else?

Regardless, Inaba headed towards the north school building, Nagase headed towards the east school building, Aoki headed for the school gate, and the three of them went their separate ways.

Tiny humans moving in a straight line on the ground.

Tiny humans walking filled with purpose and strength.

Tiny humans — no, they were not tiny at all.

The three of them, were huge.

Why she felt this way, s.h.i.+no could not understand. If she were honest, as they got further and further away, they should look smaller and smaller.

But their bodies looked bigger and bigger, s.h.i.+ning brightly.

Why.

Why.

Who will tell me.

Who will tell me how to be like them. What their secret is.

— Just to do that.

She had joined the Cultural Research Club just to obtain that secret, didn’t she?

Didn’t she just pluck up her courage and take a step forward?

s.h.i.+no recalled her feelings back then.

She had taken the first step. Yes — she could do that sort of thing.

Even though it wasn’t the second or third step — hadn’t she already taken the first one?

Then let’s do it again.

Even for someone as stupid as her —

s.h.i.+no took another step forward.

Racing down the stairs, penetrating the corridors, s.h.i.+no walked towards Clubroom 401.

I must take that small step, I must change myself — s.h.i.+no repeated her mantra.

But this was not okay as it was. She must become much more a.s.sertive — so she needed to go to the clubroom, no matter what. Only there, she could recall the courage she had once summoned, recall the numerous things that the senpais had taught her.

s.h.i.+no stepped onto the stairs of the clubroom building.

Her ice-cold heart began to fill with fuel and erupt in flames, as though she were ama.s.sing energy for a fierce battle.

— All this time, this situation has repeated many times, hasn’t it?

The malicious part of her heart whispered.

— And, you’ve never once succeeded, have you?

This time, this time will be different!

— “This time will be”, hmph, how many times has this phrase appeared in your life?

Yeah, I’ve said it many times. And I know that the results of “this time” have never arrived. Even so, I must declare it. I know.

— So, you’ve given up already?

I’m not going to give up even if it’s like this. The moment I give up is the moment everything truly ends.

— Over time, all of your effort that doesn’t bring results is wasted; the true “beginning” that you’re looking for will never come, will it?

Maybe, that’s true.

— You know that this time, it could end in the worst possible scenario, don’t you?

Ahh, that’s right.

She was very much aware that she had committed an unforgivable sin against Taichi and Yui and caused Nagase, Inaba and Aoki inexpressible grief.

Her footsteps slowed on the stairs. Her body began to feel heavy. She was, once again, going to stop in her tracks.

But — !

The three people who were even more despaired than her — They were, still fighting.

Even though the sun seemed to occasionally disappear behind a cloud, but it still can s.h.i.+ne upon the world — they s.h.i.+ned like the sun.

So she also had to give it her all.

Like Icarus chasing the sun.

There was one step left, there was really only one step left. It was finally, finally the end.

Repeating the mantra she had recited countlessly in her heart, s.h.i.+no encouraged herself.

She felt a bit like crying. But she must drive her feet and climb up. She must not stop.

Even if she cannot do it —

Even if there wasn’t a possibility —

Even though she was unable to change anything —

Even if she became embarra.s.sed beyond belief, she must continue like this.

After today, into the future, no matter when.

Starting today, starting now, everything started at this moment.

Then she would completely change — who she was.

Yaegas.h.i.+ Taichi stood in the doorway of the clubroom.

Normally, s.h.i.+no would step forward with all her might yet eventually return empty-handed and alone, but this time would be different — or perhaps it was better to say that this time, she had completely risen above that situation.

Because Yaegas.h.i.+ Taichi was here.

Seeing Taichi, s.h.i.+no’s body seemed to overflow with strength. Was this not the feeling of fighting alone, but the feeling of two people joining hands?

Nonononononononono, before that—

Taichi, who was supposed to have forgotten the Cultural Research Club, had somehow returned to the clubroom. Had he recovered his memories? If that was true, then that would be great.

Feeling s.h.i.+no’s eyes on him, Taichi spun around.

Taichi and s.h.i.+no’s eyes met, as both of them reflected in each of their retinas.

“Oh, are you from this club? I’m sorry. Although I don’t really know anyone here, I don’t know why, but I really wanted to come… I don’t quite understand it either… People in my cla.s.s always tell me I’ve lost my memories… Ah, I’m sorry, I forgot that I just — UWA?!”

“TAICHI-SENPAI —— !!!”

In a mult.i.tude of emotions, s.h.i.+no burst into tears and flew towards Taichi.

Taichi looked both scared and flattered to suddenly be hugged by a crying girl he didn’t know. This would be bad if someone saw them — Taichi brought s.h.i.+no to the roof of the clubroom. Very few people usually went onto the roof, and today was completely silent.

“Ah, um… Sorry about that.”

s.h.i.+no hurriedly bowed in apology to Taichi, making an effort to calm herself. She had lost her cool way too quickly.

“It’s, it’s nothing… otherwise I would have reported you for hara.s.sment…”

Even though he was hugged, Taichi looked quite cautious. The atmosphere suddenly became apologetic between the two of them.

“No no, Taichi-senpai did nothing wrong…”

“No, no, what kind of reasoning is that…”
“No no…”

“No, no…”

“… Hey, let’s not turn this into prayer time.”

“Ah, yes! Ri-right, Taichi-senpai!”

Taichi finally put a full stop on their dry courtesy talk contest. He was Taichi-senpai, all right.

“… I just want to confirm, do you know me?”

After such a long time, she had finally heard Taichi’s voice once more. The sound of Taichi-senpai talking to her seemed to fill her with a calming charm, making her want to enter heaven — but this wasn’t the time. Begone, distractions!

“Mhm, yes.”

“I’m very sorry… I don’t remember you. What’s going on between us…?”

“Um… we don’t exactly know each other very well, it’s just that I know Taichi-senpai. Ah, I’m Enjouji s.h.i.+no from Cla.s.s 1-B, please take care of me.”

“Enjouji… huh. Nice to meet you.”

Their relations.h.i.+p, which had once been zero, was restored. This feeling was something else. Inaba had once feared that s.h.i.+no would be twisted into the whole situation as well, and advised her “stay away from Taichi and Yui for now”. But this is an unavoidable accident, right…? Please forgive me, Inaba-senpai.

“But, why are you crying, Enjouji?”

Checkmate.

“Um… Uh, um…”

Recalling what Iori had once said to her, “Taichi can be very probing sometimes. Inaban’s turned into a strange Dereban beast Because of that. s.h.i.+no-chan should be careful too.”

“Uh, uhh… How do I put it…”

“Although I don’t know you well, Enjouji knows me, right? That makes us connected in some way, so if there’s anything that ever bothers you, I’ll help you with it.”

Taichi said unhesitantly to the person in front of him whom he was seeing “for the first time”.

As expected, even though Taichi-senpai had lost his memories, he was still amazing.

There was no way she could be like him. Someone she chased no matter how hard she tried, and eventually — earned.

“This time” she must break the cycle.

Her wishes to change herself, what she wished to change — s.h.i.+no began pouring out all of her frustrations.

The details need not be rehashed, but although s.h.i.+no spent a bit of effort thinking about how to express herself, Taichi finally understood what she wanted to say.

“No matter how hard you try to take a step, and no matter how many times you do it, it still won’t work. How exactly should you change yourself — is that what you’re saying?”

“Yeah… it’s just like that… Ah, but rather than questioning myself if I can change, I should say that I really just want a result…”

If she thought about it, the tables have turned: the one she was supposed to save had become the one saving her.

“A result… huh.”

“… I’m, I’m useless at many things. I’ve really achieved nothing. Even though I try, compared with others, I’m completely out of their league in terms of capability… I don’t belong anywhere.”

“Why do you feel that way? Even if you say that, Enjouji, there has to be somewhere you belong, right?”

“Th-there’s really nowhere I belong! Because, those amazing people are unreachable. They’re really, really amazing.”

“Man~, are there really people that amazing?”

“Yes. For example, a senpai I know who’s very kind, and is the kind of morally strong person who will say ‘I want to help you’ to someone he meets for the first time without without hesitation… Ah!”

d.a.m.n! How could I describe someone right to their face?! If he realizes that, I’ll be in big…

“Ohhh, what a great person.”

“And he’s also very slow!”

It was great that Taichi was this slow. Saved by the bell.

“And I’ve heard of something else — one of the prettiest girls in the school and another smart and pretty girl fought over him, but in the end he chose one of them over the other and lived shamelessly ever after with her.”

“d.a.m.n, he’s an enemy to all guys. I should find some opportunity to teach him a lesson.”

“I think so too.”

I really do.

“Um… so, he’s such an amazing person. I can’t ever hope to match him.”

“No, wait a minute. That person’s abilities have nothing to do with Enjouji’s abilities, do they?”

“Th…they don’t, but I’m also… inadequate in many other ways.”

“I say, Enjouji, how on earth did you come to the conclusion that you ‘don’t belong in this world’?”

“Huh? Um… Look, I’m stupid, bad at school, bad at exercise, I turn everything I touch into a disaster, I’m indecisive, and I fail as soon as I get nervous… that’s me, anyway.”

Her own words managed to bring herself down again.

She truly was, useless.

Taichi was probably very confused on how to help her. He probably thinks that helping her would come to no avail —

“What, that’s all?”

Taichi said something completely unexpected, causing s.h.i.+no to suspect that her ears had malfunctioned.

“Um… hmm. This… isn’t… this isn’t just ‘that’s all’! How is it even close to ‘that’s all’?”

“W-well… to put it bluntly, you’re stupid, bad at school, bad at exercise, turn everything you touch into a disaster, indecisive, and fail as soon as you get nervous — right?”

“What do you mean, ‘only’?! I think most of those are pretty lethal mistakes!”

“Don’t get that emotional so quickly… but yeah, that’s the truth, right?”

“Ah, um, uh… Yes, if you put it that way.”

“All of what you just said; I think none of it qualifies to be the reason that Enjouji ‘does not belong in this world’.”

None of it, qualifies the reason, to not belong in this world.

“B-but…”

“Even if you add those on, there’s no way you can be useless, is there?”

That was true. She had taken once her first step. So she wasn’t totally useless. She could only blame her own perseverance for not holding out after that.

“I think there are other things that are truly important.”

And I believe that everyone has those other things. — Taichi added.

“But… but, there are lots and lots of people better than I am, who can effortlessly do stuff that takes me a long time…!”

s.h.i.+no felt that she could no longer control her mouth.

“What good is a person like me?! S-someone like me, a good-for-nothing accessory… What should, I do—”

“Enjouji is no accessory. You are an outstanding protagonist.”

“P-protagonist?! Someone like me can’t be a protagonist!… But if I really was, then what a boring story that would be.”

“But it would be a story that only Enjouji could control as she wishes!”

A story that only Enjouji s.h.i.+no is qualified to lead.

“And don’t you think, a person as normal as can be, who actively completes her own magnificent story, is actually pretty interesting?”

The magnificent tale of a normal person.

A wonderful story indeed.

But the protagonist of that story definitely did not become active for no reason.

“So he just needed to take action.”

— Or rather, he took a brave action.

From somewhere unknown, came the “click” of a disengaging lock.

How amazing — something, she didn’t recognize. Completely different from before, there was a feeling that she could definitely do it “this time”.

Had she not been struggling over and over just for this moment? s.h.i.+no thought.

Come, my self-awakening.

Begin, my self-revolution.

“… Wait, a second. Did I just… say something really embarra.s.sing? I’m actually not that kind of person… No, it feels familiar… Who did I learn this spiel from…?”

Taichi shook his head in disbelief, his face ashamed.

Even if he lost his memories of the Cultural Research Club, everything he had absorbed from it was still there.

“Taichi-senpai’s pretty c.o.c.ky. You’re pretty popular with the girls, aren’t you?”

“C-c.o.c.ky?!” Even if I’m popular there’s no way that — but I’m not popular with girls.”

“I’m pretty entranced by Taichi-senpai’s voice!”

“Are you even listening to me?!”

Taichi’s helpless expression was too funny; s.h.i.+no sputtered with laughter.

What an amazing guy. It was her first time receiving so much courage from someone else.

After giggling for a bit, s.h.i.+no suddenly asked with a serious look:

“… Even for some as boring as I am, can I do well too, Taichi-senpai?”

“No matter who, as long as they want to, there’s nothing that can stop them. That’s what I believe.”

Hmm.

“If you think about ‘doing something’, you need to personally believe that it is possible. If there’s something that’s truly impossible, no one would attempt it, right?”

Y-yeah! Amazing insight!

Inexplicably, she felt that she understood. She actually understood.

Thinking about it, it was great that she had joined the Cultural Research Club.

“I… I’ll do my best.”

“Really? I’m glad that I could help you.”

The two of them were wrapped in a warm atmosphere. If I could stay here forever, then I would be happy — s.h.i.+no thought. But of course, that was impossible. She must take the first step.

And Taichi and Yui relied on her to save them.

“Thank you for discussing this with me. I have something I need to do now, so I have to go.”

s.h.i.+no sincerely thanked Taichi, and turned her back to him.

The doorway stood a few meters ahead of her.

The moment I step out of that doorway, everything will begin — s.h.i.+no warned herself.

But once Taichi was out of her sight, and no one remained in her eyes, s.h.i.+no suddenly became anxious.

Was she really going to be okay? Can she break out of the endless loop of “this time”?

“… Taichi-senpai. Can you tell me ‘s.h.i.+no, do your best’ again? I have one last request.”

s.h.i.+no asked Taichi, without turning around.

“Ah, uhhh… s.h.i.+no, do your best.”

“All RIGHT!!! Thank you for your great voice!!!”

s.h.i.+no took a step.

One step, two steps, three steps — four steps.

“Hm… I think, Enjouji, that you will definitely be a very interesting character.”

—

“This time” was the true decision.

… Honestly, this thought had appeared many times in the past.

If she strongly believed that every time, she could gain strength.

But those decisions had been abandoned halfway through.

No matter whether she was determined, no matter how she prayed from the bottom of her heart, nothing came to be.

There existed people who had the ability to concentrate their inner thoughts and achieve great feats. Compared with them, there was too little of herself to mention.

Completely useless.

She was someone who was stupid, bad at school, bad at exercise, turn everything she touched into a disaster, indecisive, and failed as soon as she got nervous.

Those who still were a gap away from the amazing ones must succeed “this time”.

This was the

Changing her own world was not something she could just improvise. She needed to do it thoroughly.

If she wanted to be the top in her studies, then why was she not taking step after step to get there?

If she wanted to excel in physical exercise, then why was wasting all this time away?

A very plain person who started out at an appropriate point and would chase his goal step by step would be very amazing — but that was the right path to take.

But what about people without abilities or skills?

I can’t do it, so I’ll give up — that kind of mindset was wrong.

If I can’t change myself, and there seems absolutely no possible way to — then I’ll throw everything into disorder and take an alternative action.

For example, taking my homework and locking myself somewhere excluded from the outside world.

For example, partic.i.p.ating in a triathlon, and training day and night deep in the woody mountains.

For example — directly confronting the monster-like being that was like a legend, like a dream, supernatural, superhuman — .

When she thought about it, the words that Taichi had given her were really just words. They could not bring her instant results, nor could she instantly absorb them.

If they were just words, if they were only phrases, she was already familiar with a lot of them from watching television and reading books as she grew up.

But these things, to her, were but false objects… No, that sentence wasn’t quite correct. She should have said, .

In the end, a language will always be unable to surpa.s.s its own boundaries. It was nothing more than the order of words. The one with the power to realize them, was herself.

This time, she would try it practically.

Because of words that came out of the mouth of someone she respected.

s.h.i.+no buried that notion in her heart.

Out of the hazy sky, a few drops of rain landed.

s.h.i.+no ignored them and walked straight ahead.

Maybe this will attract his attention. But it would be very easy, like talking to Chihiro. They were practically on the same level.

If she was no better than anyone, she needed to pluck up her own courage for things that were mere trifles to other people. So even if she achieved “a mere trifle for other people”, she would be satisfied.

Because she was used to low standards and expectations, she would be satisfied with herself when she overcame the smallest hurdles; her body had atrophied to the point of utmost laziness.

No, she could not become accustomed to those standards and expectations.

If people used to burning out wanted to change themselves, they needed to be dramatic and forceful.

had once said — if you change your mind, and desire , then just come over, and shout my name. You only need to do that, and I will open a new door for you.

The location was a natural park near the school.

Open a completely new door for me, just like I want.

I want to change the world.

I want a dramatic change.

I want to change myself.

Taking a deep breath, s.h.i.+no summoned the loudest voice she could muster, and screamed:

“COME OUT HERE, — !!!”

Her own world, if only she took a dramatic action, can be changed in an instant.