The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) Part 5

_Enter Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs_. Flimsy.

La. _Toss_. Lord, _Flimsy_! was there ever an a.s.surance like my Lady _Rodomont_'s, to engross all the Fellows to her self.

_Flim_. For that matter, Madam, I cou'd dispence with 'em all, and as many more; but a Lady that declares against Marriage, to suffer such a Train of _Beaus_, shews her self superlatively Vain-glorious.

La. _Toss_. A vertuous Woman, that declares against Marriage, may as well declare against Eating and Drinking; all Women have Inclinations to Love; besides, _Flimsy_, Marriage is an Ordinance, and to declare against it, I take to be a very wicked thing; but if she has made a Vow of Chast.i.ty, she might release her Admirers to those Ladies that are willing the World shou'd continue peopl'd. My Lady _Love-gang_ swears she'll go live in _Scotland_ about it; my Lady _Dandler_ lays it so to Heart, I'm afraid she'll be silly; for my part, I bear it--not so patiently as Folks think.

_Flim_. They say, Madam, she has depriv'd you of some particular Lovers; I'd arrest her for 'em.

La. _Toss_. Sir _Harry Sprightly_ I have danc'd with; Brigadier _Blenheim_ too has handed me out of the Box, but when Lady _Rodomont_ arriv'd, they both flew from me like a parcel of Fortune-hunters from a reputed City-Heiress, when her Father breaks, and can give her nothing.

_Flim_. Here she comes, surrounded with _Beaus_, and I warrant, thinks her self as good as the Queen; if I were the Queen, I'd have her taken up for thinking so. Pray Madam affront her.

_Enter Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy, _follow'd by Sir_ Harry, _Collonel_ Blenheim, _Mr_. Nicknack, _Major_ Bramble, _several Fops and Footmen_.

La. _Rod_. Dear _Messieurs_! give me Breath: Not but a Croud of Beaus are very acceptable; but to press upon one too hard, is like a new Monarch just seated on the Throne, that's stifl'd with Court Cringes--Don't you think, Sir _Harry_, the _Italians_ that approach us at more distance, show greater Veneration and Respect.

Sir _Har_. Ladies in their High-Noon of labour'd Garniture, Are pleas'd, when we admire 'em like the Sun, Whom none directly looks at, But in the Ev'ning, as the Sun goes down, They're better pleas'd we shou'd approach 'em nearer.

La. _Rod._ O you malicious Creature! That Censure's from the Freedoms of the _French_: A Traveller shou'd humour Countries, Customs; in _Spain_, a modest Woman hides her Face; in _France_ we s.h.i.+ft our selves before our Valets; nay, shou'd much greater Freedoms there be practis'd, none but an _English_ Clown suspects our Vertue--_Collonel_, you're welcome to _England_; you have distinguish'd your self n.o.bly this Campaign; I hear at _Audenard_ you acted Wonders.

_Col._ Madam, When Kings command their Subjects to the Field, The Swords our Calling, and we fight for pay, And lengthen out a War to raise Estates; But when a Queen, whose matchless Virtue fires us, And whose obliging Goodness courts our Valour, We march with Pride, and unresisted Force, To spread the Empire of so bright a Mistress.

La. _Rod._ I find, _Collonel_, an _English_ Officer may be perfectly well-bred, but I attribute it to your success in War; you have taken most of the _French_ Officers Prisoners, whose Conversation has refin'd your Manners.

_Col._ 'Tis granted, Madam, their Conversation's wondrous _Degaugee_-- we'll take 'em to refine us ev'ry Year.

La. _Rod._ Sir _Harry_, what Diversions are a-foot; but _England_ is so phlegmatick a Climate, no Carnivals, nor Midnight-Masquerades, but Two and fifty Days lost ev'ry Year for want of b.a.l.l.s and Operas on a _Sunday_.

Sir _Har._ Our Nation, Madam's so far gone in Parties, That Faction's even carry'd to Diversions, One Party strives for Sense, and t'other Sound; The _Major_ here, I think opposes both.

_Bram._ So I do--What signifies a Comedy of Fools; han't we the Courts of _Westminster_ to divert us; and your Tragedies, where Kings and Emperors are murder'd; in a quarter of an Hour after they are at _Buxton's_ Coffee-House, playing at _All-Fours_; then your Singing-Op'ras, I hate your _Italian_ Squaling, like a Woman in Labour; and 'fore-gad, Madam, 'tis a most miraculous thing to me, that a Lady of your Experience, who has travers'd the World, and ought to know Nature in a wonderful Perfection, shou'd admire an Eunuch.

La. _Rod._ You shou'd have liv'd in former Ages, _Major_, when odious Tilts and Tournaments were in Vogue; our Pleasures are too curious for your Taste, I fancy the _Bear-Garden_ suits your Genius mightily.

_Bram._ Ay, Madam, there's Celestial Sport and Pastime; the Musick of the Dogs, the Harmony o' the Butchers, to see, a Mastiff tear a Bull by the Throat, the Bull once wounded, goring o'er the Ground, cants a fat Woman higher than the _Monument_--I love Reality in my Diversions; but at a _Play-House_ I never laugh'd but once, and that was at a most agreeable Noise the Footmen made in the Upper-Gall'ry.

La. _Rod._ Savage Creature!

_Nick._ Your brutish Temper, _Major_, wou'd make one fancy you were born in _Greenland_, and suckl'd by a _Wolf_.

_Bram._ Better be suckl'd in _Greenland_ than in _Ess.e.x_; a _Wolf's_ a n.o.bler Creature than a _Calf_; for now young Fellows are so nicely bred, so fondl'd, and so furbelow'd with Follies, they scarce retain the Species of a Man; for my part, I have Magick in my Looks, I have frighted a High-Priest into Quakerism; converted a _Jew_ to no Religion at all, and possess'd Squire _Lacy_ with a Spirit of Prophetick Lying; I can turn a Justice of Peace into a _Jack-Daw_, a Citizen into any tame kind of Beast, and an old fadling Judge into a fidgetting Dry-Nurse--But I find, Madam, you are got into a Beau-Chat, where my rough Language is as disagreeable, as martial Musick at _White_'s Chocolate-House; tho', were I a Lady of a great Estate, I'd show as great Sagacity in despising the Fops, and think my Fortune prodigiously repaid in the Affections of so renown'd a Person as _Major-Bramble_. [_Exit._

_All._ Ha, ha, ha.

La. _Rod._ Oh Mr. _Nicknack_! I hear the _Bauble-Frigot_'s in the River, I'm on Tip-toes to see what's imported: Are the Catalogues out yet?

_Nick._ Your Ladys.h.i.+p is set down for the whole Cargo, to select where you please, tho' the Ladies teize me as much for new Fancies, as your good for nothing Actresses do a Poet for Parts, at the disposal of a new Comedy; and I protest Madam, I find it as difficult to get Goods fast enough, as a Woman that Lies in ev'ry Year does to get G.o.d-fathers.

La. _Rod_. Pray, Mr. _Nicknack,_ what Demands have the Ladies made on you.

_Nick_ My Lady _Swine-love_ has bespoke a Dozen of _Bermudas_ Pigs; my Lady _Noisy_ a screaming Parrot; my Lady _Squelch_ a _Dutch_ Mastiff; my Lady _Hoyden-tail_ a Cat o' Mountain; Mrs. _Tireman_ a large Baboon, and Mrs. _Lick-it_ an _Italian_ Greyhound.

La. _Rod_. You have an infallible Snare for our s.e.x; but I wonder, Mr.

_Nicknack,_ how so refin'd a Merchant as you, can endure the smoaky Coffee-Houses, and the dirty _Exchange_.

_Nick_. Madam, I use _Robin's_, as nice a Coffee-House as _Tom's_, where no Smoaking's allow'd, but a little _Betony_ or _Colt's-foot_ to a few Hundred thousand Pound Men; as for the _Change_, I must own, _Dutch_-Shapes, and _Jew_-Faces are not so agreeable to look at, as the Beauties at _Hampton-Court_; and I wonder the better sort of Merchants don't walk above Stairs, that in a dead time o' Business, when we have little to employ our Thoughts, we may divert our Opticks with the pretty Sempstresses.

Sir _Har_. When Business is at an ebb, what occasion have you to be there.

_Nick_. Only the Hopes of bubling you Beau-Baronets, that come thither to show your Equipage, and laugh at Men of Business, where we invite you to Dinner at _Pontack's_, drink heartily about, and then draw you in for a thousand Guineas on some publick Wager,--Tho' really the greatest Misfortune that attends a Merchant is an indispensable Necessity of being ev'ry Day at Change; for shou'd the least Ill-news happen, and a Merchant absent, whip, they protest his Bills, report he's in _Holland_, when, poor Soul, he's gone no farther than to the _Sat.u.r.day's_ Club at _Black-heath_ Bowling-Green.

L. _Rod_. I think you have Travell'd tho', Mr. _Nicknack_.

_Nick_. To _Leghorne_ and _Smirna_, Madam, instead of _France_ and _Italy_, where I had like to have had a Scimiter in my Guts, by an impotent old Turk, that spy'd me glancing at his Wife, when he had a hundred and fifty besides, and was past the use of one of 'em.

_Col._ Were you never at _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_?

_Nick._ _Virginia_ and _Barbadoes_, Collonel, I never did any thing to deserve Transportation; perhaps, when the War's over, some of your Livery that have been us'd to Plundering abroad, and can't leave it off here, may after a Ride or two to _Finchly Common_ have occasion to visit the Plantations. I own I have Correspondents at _Barbadoes_, now and then, to import a little Citron Water for Ladies that have a Coldness at their Stomach, and a Parcel of _Oroonoko_ Tobacco, to oblige some West Country Countesses.

L. _Rod._ Is not that my Lady _Toss-up?_ I shou'd hardly have known her, but by her down-right English Air--why no body minds her--Sir _Harry_, give the Lady a Pinch of sweet Snuff.--[_Aside_.] She's horridly concern'd at my Attractions, yet too proud to shew it, and looks as disconsolately gay, as a Maid of Thirty at the Wedding of her youngest Sister; how I love to mortify these Creatures.

L. _Toss._ [_Advancing to Lady_ Rodomont] I find, Madam, by your Ladys.h.i.+p's Appearance and Conversation you have been a very great Traveller.

L. _Rod_. By your Ladys.h.i.+p's Appearance, I find you're a very great Stranger both to Conversation, and your own Country.

L. _Toss_. Is Travel, Madam, essential to a Lady's Education, or does it only serve to heigthen her a.s.surance?

L. _Rot_. Some Ladies, Madam, are so plentifully stock'd by Nature, they want neither Art nor Travel to improve it.

L. _Toss_. Tis much then your Ladys.h.i.+p shou'd encourage Art or Travel, where Nature has bestow'd the largest Share, but I wonder not a Lady shou'd be so studious to accomplish her self who so fondly permits a Crowd of Followers.

L. _Rod_. A Lady, Madam, is seldom concern'd at another's Followers, but when she laments the loss of 'em her self, and if the Fops that flutter about me, give you any Disorder, I can easily resign 'em to your Ladys.h.i.+p.

L. _Toss_. By no means, Madam, that wou'd be to rob your Ladys.h.i.+p's Cozen, there, who is equally ent.i.tul'd to your Cast off Lovers, and your old Cloths.

Mrs. _Lov_. Her Ladys.h.i.+p's Cozen, Madam, wou'd no more accept of any Lady's old Cloths, than of your Ladys.h.i.+p's Face.

L. _Toss_. Nay, Madam, if her Ladys.h.i.+p's a'ground, your Face may put both s.e.xes out o'Countenance. [_Exeunt Lady_ Toss-up, _and Mrs._ Flimsy.

L. Rod. _Tho' minor Beauties at a_ Venus _rave, Spight her the more, the more her Charms inslave; As 'mongst the Stars the Moon maintains her Place, She Bridles in her Air, and Triumphs in her Face._

The End of the Second ACT.

ACT III. SCENE I.