The Fine Lady's Airs (1709) Part 8

_Lady_ Rodomont, _and Mrs_. Lovejoy.

Mrs. _Lov_. Why, Madam, shou'd your Ladys.h.i.+p keep so many Fellows in suspence, is it only to mortifie other Women, and maintain the Vanity of being universally admir'd; you won't marry, and yet love to be courted: In other matters your Ladis.h.i.+p's gen'rous enough, but as for parting with your Lovers, you are as stingy as the Widow _Sc.r.a.pe-all_, that lets out her Mourning-Coach to Funerals.

La. _Rod_. Cozen, we're alone, and I'll discover t' you the Soul of ev'ry Woman: Vanity is the predominant Pa.s.sion in our s.e.x, what Lady that has Beauty, Wit and Fortune, does not excel in Dress, brighten in Talk, and dazle in her Equipage; and Lovers are but Servants out o' Liveries: Who then that has Attractions to command, to sooth, to frown, to manage as we please, wou'd raise those crawling Wretches that adore us, that fawn and sigh, and catch at ev'ry Glance, but once embolden'd, as our Courage fails us, the flatt'ring Knaves exert their Sovereign Sway, and crush the darling Pow'r we possess.

Mrs. _Lov_. 'Tis their Prerogative to rule at last, our Reign is short, because 'tis too Tyrannical; we're pleas'd to have Admirers gaze upon us, they're pleas'd with gazing, 'cause they cannot help it; but yet they think us strange fantastick Creatures, and curse themselves for loving such vain Toys; for my part, I'm for ballancing the pow'r of both s.e.xes, if a fine Gentleman addresses a fine Lady, his Reception ought to be suitable to his Merit, and when two fine People get together--

La. _Rod_. What then?

Mrs. _Lov_. They ought to lay aside Affectation and Impertinence, and come to a right understanding i' th' matter.

La. _Rod._ But prithee, my Dear, what fine Things d'you conceive there are in Love?

Mrs. _Lov_. I wou'd conceive what fine Things there are in Love; in short, Madam, you may dissemble like the _French Hugonots,_ that were starving in their own Country, and pretended to fly hither for Religion: But I that have the same Circulations with your Ladis.h.i.+p, know that ev'ry Woman feels a _Je ne scay quoy_ for an agreeable Fellow; nay more, that Love is irresistable; how many Fortunes have marry'd Troopers, and Yeomen o'the Guard? We are all made of the same Mould; nay I heard of a Lady that was so violently scorcht at the sight of a handsome Waterman, she flung her self sprawling into the _Thames_, only that he might stretch out his Oar, and take her up again.

La. _Rod_. There are Women Fools to a strange degree; but have you, Cousin, seen any Object so amiable to merit that ridiculous Condescension.

Mrs. _Lov_. I have seen a great many young Fellows, Madam, and do ev'ry Day see more young Fellows that I cou'd like very well to play at _Piquet_ with; and if your Ladis.h.i.+p has sworn to die a Maid, recommend one of your Admirers to me, and it shan't be my Fault, if in a few Months I don't produce you a very pretty Bantling to inherit your Estate.

_Enter Major_ Bramble.

_Bram_. (_Aside_.) Now must I screw my self into more submissive Forms than a hungry Poet at the lower end of a Lord's Table, when he has more Wit than all the Company; muster up more Lies than are told behind a _Cheapside_-Counter, and talk to her of Agues, Agonies and Agitations, when I have no more Notion of Love, than a Lawyer has of the next World: Her Estate indeed wou'd put a Man into a Conflagration, but a fine Woman is to me like a fine Race-Horse, admir'd only by Fools, very costly, very wanton, and very apt to run away--Madam, your Ladis.h.i.+p's incomparable Perfections, which are as much talk'd of, as if they had been publish'd in the _Flying-Post, Post-Boy_, and _Post-Man,_ have stirr'd up all my Faculties to admire, ev'ry Part about you, and to tell you the Ambition I have of being your Ladis.h.i.+p's most devoted, humble Servant at Bed and Board.

La. _Rod_. A Man of your Character, _Major_, is seldom touch'd with a Lady's Perfections; our trifling Beauties soften weaker Mortals, you Men that bustle about publick Matters, whose fiery Souls are charm'd with Broils of State, retain no mighty Transports for our s.e.x.

_Bram_. True, Madam, Love's but an insipid Business; but I wou'd marry to keep up that fiery Breed; and your Ladys.h.i.+p having a more sublime Genius than the rest of your s.e.x, I thought you the properest Person to apply to, that with equal Pains-taking we may produce a Race of _Alexanders_, that shall rattle thro' the World like a Peal of Thunder, wage Wars, destroy Cities, and send old Women headlong to the Devil.

La. _Rod_. I mould rather chuse a peaceful Race, whose Virtue shou'd prefer 'em to the State, where Wisdom, like a G.o.ddess, sits triumphant, to awe, to charm, to punish and reward, and check the Fury of such headstrong Coursers.

_Bram_. A Race of Side-Box-Beaus, that love soft easie Chairs, Down-Beds, and taudry Night-Gowns; I admire those renown'd Emperors, that chop Peoples Heads off for their Diversion, and the glorious King of _France_, that makes his Family Kings whenever he pleases; that gives People yearly Pensions to bellow out his praise; whose Edicts fly about like Squibs and Crackers, and as much laughs at Parliaments and Councils, as a Wh.o.r.e of Distinction does at the _Reforming-Society._

La. _Rod_. Such Princes are meant Scourges to the Earth; no Mortal's fit for absolute Command; Men have their Pa.s.sions; Monarchs are but Men, and when Love, Jealousie, or Fear possess 'em, the Tyrants spurn, and rack their guiltless People, who tamely bend, and court their fatal Madness; our happy Realm knows no Despotick Sway; not only Kingdoms here, but Hearts unite, the Sov'reign and the Subjects bless each other; a Const.i.tution so divinely fram'd; such gen'rous Concord, such resistless Harmony, that Nature wonders at her own Perfections; a Climate and a People so serene!

_Bram_. Look you, Madam, I'm no more an Enemy to the Government than to your Ladis.h.i.+p: Your Ladis.h.i.+p has a good Estate, Estate, and your Person is mightily dish'd out, fine and lovely and plump, therefore if your Ladys.h.i.+p thinks fit to marry me, and the Government to give me a Place of a Thousand a Year, I'm an humble Servant to both, otherwise I wou'dn't care three Whiffs o' Tobacco, if the Government sunk, and your Ladis.h.i.+p were blown up in the Clouds.

La. _Rod._ Plain-dealing, _Major_, ought to be inestimable, especially in a Statesman, but you needn't give your self any trouble about me, you're not a Creature tame enough for a Husband: The Lion that's us'd to range the Woods, if once ensnar'd, grows ten times more outragious. What think you, Cousin, shou'd we entangle the _Major_.

Mrs. _Lov._ We must never come near him, Madam, for I'm afraid he'll devour us all.

_Bram._ Devour you all, Mrs. _Oatcake_, a Man must be d.a.m.nable hungry to feed upon your Chitterlings. [_Aside._] Now have I a good mind to hire two or three honest Fellows to swear her into a Plot, have her Estate confiscated to the Government, and get a Reward of half of it for so serviceable a piece of Loyalty and Revenge; but to mortifie her more compleatly, I'll go make my Addresses to the Divine Lady _Toss-up_.

[_Exit._

_Enter_ Nicknack.

_Nick._ [_Aside._] Were it not to improve my Int'rest with the Ladies, I wou'd forswear all manner of Bus'ness, and grow perfectly idle, like a Dancing-Master's Brains. I have been squeez'd up at the _Custom-House_, 'mongst _Jews_, _Swedes_, _Danes_, and dirty _Dutchmen_, that were entering Hung-Beef, 'till I'm only fit to tread _Billingsgate-Key_, and address those shrill Ladies, whose _Italian_ Voices ev'ry Day charm the Streets with the deaf'ning Harmony of _Place_, _Flounders_, and _New-Castle-Salmon_--I was afraid, Madam, having not seen your Ladis.h.i.+p these four Hours, you had quite forgot me.

La. _Rod._ That's impossible, Mr. _Nicknack_, I never see the pretty _Monkey_ you brought me, but I have the strongest Idea of you imaginable; but have you imported no greater Curiosities, a _Monkey_ of one sort or other is what most People have in their Houses. I'd have a s.h.i.+p range the World on purpose to find me out some agreeable strange Creature, that was never heard of before, nor is ever to be met with again.

_Nick._ A Creature, Madam, which some People think unparallell'd, it may be in my, Pow'r to help your Ladis.h.i.+p to, but 'tis a sort of Creature that's always sighing for a Mate, if your Ladis.h.i.+p likes it as well as some other Ladies have done; if I know the Creature, 'twou'd laugh and toy, and kiss and fawn upon your Ladis.h.i.+p beyond all Womankind.

La. _Rod._ Pray, Mr. _Nicknack_, what Species is it of?

_Nick._ Of Humane Species, Madam, your Ladis.h.i.+p shall examine it, but the Ladies turn it into what shape they please, an _Ape_, an _a.s.s_, a _Lizard_, a _Squirrel_, a _Spaniel_; most People say 'tis a _Man_, but the Merchant that brought it from the _Cyprian Groves_, calls it a _Desponding Lover_.

La. _Rod._ A _Desponding Lover_, Mr. _Nicknack_, is indeed a very strange Creature, but 'tis no Rarity, I'm pester'd with 'em at all Seasons, they are continually intruding like one's poor Relations, more pragmatically impertinent than one's Chaplain, and, were it possible, as impudent as one's Footmen.

_Nick._ But a sincere and constant Lover your Ladis.h.i.+p must allow a Rarity.

La. _Rod._ [_Aside._] I must humour this Fellow's Vanity; he'll make an admirable Tool to plague the _Collonel_--I understand you, Mr. _Nicknack_, you have so pretty a way of discovering your self, 'twou'd charm any Lady, and truly I see no difference between a Gentleman educated at _Merchant-Taylor's-School_, and one at _Fobert_'s; only at our end o'the Town, there's a certain Forwardness in young Fellows, that a Boy of Fourteen shall pretend to practise before he understands the _Rule of Three_. But what you tell me is a thing of that weight, it requires mature Deliberation, a Conflict with one's self of a whole Age's debating: Marriage, 'mongst the vulgar sort, is a Joke, a meer May-Game; with People of Rank, a serious and well study'd Solemnity.

_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I'm in no very great haste, I am perfectly of your Ladys.h.i.+p's Opinion, and can't think there's so mighty a Jest in Matrimony as some People imagine; like a Country Fellow and a Wench, that will jig it into Church after a blind Fidler, and are never in a dancing Humour afterwards. People o' Quality are more apprehensive o' the matter, and have a world o' business to do, we must first be seen particular together, to give suspicion, and create Jealousies 'mongst the rest of your Admirers; then it must be whisper'd to the Countess of _Intelligence_, to carry about Town, or the Tea-Tables will drop for want of t.i.ttle-tattle; and afterwards your Ladys.h.i.+p's absolutely denying it, confirms ev'ry body in the truth of it: As for Cloaths, Equipage and Furniture, they are soon got ready, and if your Ladis.h.i.+p dislikes living i'the City, we'll take a House at _Mile-End._

La. _Rod_. The City, Mr. _Nicknack,_ A very considerable Place! I have had n.o.ble Suppers there. Suppers dress'd at _Russel_'s in _Ironmonger-lane_, and have brought away Fifty Guineas at _Ba.s.set,_ when at this end o'the Town I have lost three times Fifty for a sneaking Dish of _Chocolate_.

People too may talk of their want of Sense, but the suppressing _Bartl'mew-Fair_ was a thing of that wondrous Consultation, it shews the Citizens have prodigious Head-pieces.

_Nick_. Your Ladis.h.i.+p has a just Notion of the City. I have read sev'ral Acts of Common Council, that have really a world of Wit in 'em; but I'm afraid, Madam, _Collonel Blenheim_ has so far ingratiated himself with your Ladis.h.i.+p, I shall have a troublesome Rival to deal with.

La. _Rod_. Not in the least, I admitted him only as a Visitant, but at present I must be more particular with him; he's of late grown a little irreverent towards our s.e.x, and I must check an insolent Humour he has got of despising Matrimony; he'll be with me instantly, I'll dispose you, that you may over-hear all, how I'll turn and wind him, cross him, humour him, and confound him; when you think it proper make your Appearance, and we'll both laugh at him.

_Nick._ If your Ladis.h.i.+p pleases, I had rather laugh in my Sleeve, for those bl.u.s.tering Officers, that are us'd to destroy whole Batallions, make no more of murdering one Man, than an Alderman does of eating up a single _Turkey_.

La. _Rod_. Never fear him, Mr. _Nicknack_.

_Nick._ Nay, Madam, I have been Collonel i'th'_Train-Bands_ these seven Years, and therefore ought not to want Courage; and tho' I never learnt to fence, there's an admirable Master teaches three times a Week, at the _Swan Tavern_ in _Cornhil_. [_Exeunt_.

Mrs. _Lov_. Now will I be Spitchc.o.c.kt, if she han't an Inclination for the _Collonel_, to coquet, and flirt and fleer, and plague half Mankind, only because they like her, may be what you call a fine Lady, but in my mind she has more fantastical Airs than a Kettle-Drummer. [_Exit._

SCENE, _a Room in the_ Rose-Tavern.

_The Bell rings_.

[_Bar-keeper without_.] Where a Pox are you all; must Company wait an Hour for a Room?

[_A noise of Drawers_.] Coming, coming, coming, Sir.

_Enter a Drawer with Lights_, Shrimp, Knapsack, and Master _Totty_.

_Draw_. Please to be here, Gentlemen?

_Shr_. What's become of your Beau-Drawer, that wore a long _Spanish_ Wig, lac'd Linnen, silk Stockings, and a Patch?

_Draw_. He happen'd, Sir, to make bold with a silver _Monteth,_ and is gone for a Soldier--What Wine are you for Gentlemen?

_Shr._ [_Aside to the Drawer_.] D'you know Sir _Harry Sprightly,_ Friend?