Watashi wa Teki ni Narimasen! Chapter 58.2

Published at 30th of April 2020 06:30:44 PM
Chapter 58.2
Denied Thoughts
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Part 2/2

Perhaps my thought was quite apparent on my face, Reggie added .

“I am not giving in to despair . Instead, I am a little bit… relieved . It’s like someone told me that it was fine for me even if I don’t run anymore . ”

His calm expression didn’t change . But his composure caused my heart to be in discord . I was so scared since it seemed like he decided that he didn’t want to ‘run’ anymore, and I couldn’t find any words to respond .

“To me, death is something close by… ever since I was a child . ”

Still, Reggie continued to speak .

“At first, I thought that I didn’t want to die due to my instinct . That’s why I pretended that I liked my grandfather—who abandoned my mother—on the surface . I acted like a child who had no interest to the throne . As I pretended that I hadn’t noticed anything, I managed to survive through everything . However, at the time I thought of ending everything because of how troublesome it was… I met you . ”

“Was it… when you came to the church school to pick Alan up?”

Reggie mingled with the party that came to pick up Alan, as he was pretending to be an attendant .

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“I guess I was bored . I had Aunt Beatrice let me accompany the team to pick up Alan under the pretext of a recreation, but she surely hadn’t thought that it was to give me the chance to observe the outside world along the road . ”

“Outside… Isn’t the prince allowed to go outside?”

Even if I was ignorant of the ways of the world, I chose to accept Reggie’s proposal to be hired at Alan’s place because living alone would be harder . If it was Reggie… I wonder if he would be able to roam around the world alone .

“I had never thought of my livelihood . After all, someone would definitely come and try to kill me if I were to go out of the palace alone . ”

“Then, leaving means suicide…”

“That’s right,” Reggie confirmed my words that I muttered .

“I was even glad if everything could just end . That’s why, when I saw you trying to escape even if it meant creeping in like that, I thought I was seeing myself doing what I wanted to do through you . ”

Thus, Reggie was kind to me from the very beginning .

Even when Alan and Cain-san showed their disapproval towards me—who was a complete stranger—at first, only Reggie was willing to accept me . And that was because he projected himself onto me—the version of himself that was doing what he wanted to do, something that he couldn’t actually do in reality .

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“Unlike me, even when you were powerless and knew that you were drugged at that time, you didn’t cry on the spot just like what normal girls would do in that kind of situation . You were thinking on how you could continue living… Looking at you, I finally realized that I was tired of living like this . That is why I thought of helping you,” Reggie said .

I wonder if looking at someone you helped would make you think that you also wanted to help yourself .

After that, Reggie averted his gaze from me .

“I thought that perhaps it would be less painful if I tried living for someone else, like you . But you didn’t want to be docile and be the protected party all the time . I was confused on what I should do . For example, would it be fine if I were to confine you? My mind kept looking for many ways to keep you from flying . There were times when I thought of executing some of them . ”

…His words were really scary, but I remembered that he had said something similar to it before . So, he was seriously planning on locking me up, huh? …I thought it was only a joke .

“But Reggie, you didn’t do that in the end . ”

Reggie also didn’t interfere in the decision to let me partic.i.p.ate in the war after I became a magician .

“In the end, only you get to decide on how to live your life . ”

Reggie answered without any hesitation .

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“We were similar on how our lives were decided by other people all this time . That’s why I don’t want to s.n.a.t.c.h away the freedom you’ve gotten after deciding to live a life of your own after escaping . ”

He then added, “It’s also my choice to not be saved . So, Kiara, please respect my decision . ”

“But…”

To think I can’t save him…

Even though I aimed to become a magician in order to help Reggie and the margrave who had helped me, even though I decided on joining the war despite being afraid of killing someone… If I were to be deprived of my motive to save him… . I don’t know what I should do . I feel like I was tossed into the darkness where I couldn’t even see my feet .

“I knew that I should be there to lead the army . However… Since it is fine even if I am not there, I want you to prioritize your own safety above mine, since you are important to ensure Alan and the others’ victory . ”

“There’s no way it’s fine even if you are not there!!”

I reflexively inched my body closer to Reggie, placing both of my hands on the bed .

“Everyone doesn’t want you to die, Reggie! Why would you say something like that?!”

“You are right… I thought that you, Alan, and the others would surely say that . But, practically speaking, it would be more beneficial for you to survive rather than me, as your presence can guarantee a victory where not many of our allies die . Also, if you were gone, it would remarkably increase my probability of dying . ”

Trying to compare his own death with our allies’ deaths, huh?

As I guessed the implication of his words, I felt as if my heart was freezing .

I don’t want to kill anymore . But I don’t want to see any allies getting killed too . The two of them formed a conflict of interest . So, at the very least, I was trying to bury the enemies in order to let them have a respectful end . However, I don’t want to think of the need to do something like that for my allies .

Reggie then added, as if trying to corner me who was troubled over it .

“If you still want to insist, then I have no other choice than to give you an order as the prince . I can understand how a magician should try to save the one they are working for . It is allowed within certain degree . However, your value as a magician in a war is too precious . Even my knights will prioritize you in the worst case . I have already told Wentworth about the order of priority . ”

No one can disobey a prince’s order . Even if they are working hard for the prince, if there comes the scenario where Kiara might become the victim, they will change their priorities there .

I can’t save Reggie .

Is it because I have become a magician? But if I didn’t become a magician, I couldn’t do anything .

Kiara was completely denied, and so she could only hang her head down at a loss .

“…I understand . ”

Even if she could only say that as an answer, Kiara’s thoughts on what she could do continued to go around in circles within her mind .

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