The Lovers Assistant Part 4

_Venus_ had now kept her Word to _Paris_, and given him the Beauty she had promised, not as a Bribe, but as a Gratification for his having made an Award in her Favour, in the famous Cause between _Juno_ and others against _Venus_, in _Trover_ for a Golden Apple; which was referred to him at the a.s.sizes at _Ida_.

_Paris_, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. _Helen_, than he immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.

Upon this the _Grecians_ entered into an a.s.sociation; and several n.o.blemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose Turn it would be next.

Lieutenant-General _Achilles_, who was to command a large Body of Grenadiers, which the _Greeks_ call _Myrmidons_, did not behave handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself at the House of one _Lycomedes_, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.

_Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle._

_What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count _Hector_ is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head in?_

_For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate Trinkets from a Fist able to wield _Harry_ the Fifth's Sword._

It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of 'Squire _Lycomedes_, performed this Feat, Miss _Deidamia_, one of the Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her Maidenhead.

He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.

When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you must remember the Story, for it was in the _Trojan Alamain_) the young Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her so.

_Ah! little _Mia_! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?_

To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pus.h.i.+ng Man can do unto them.

As for those pretty Master-Misses, the _Adonis's_ of the Age, who confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls; believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the Question.

If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.

Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that Favour.

_Jupiter_ himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never heard of any Girl who courted him.

But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according to the Poet,

_Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue._

A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.

It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of _Platonic_ Friends.h.i.+p.

I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the _Platonic_ Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.

And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would have you delicate.

A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well battered with Winds and Waves.

Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.

But let the Soldier of _Venus_ look fair and delicate; nay, if your Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be imputed by every young Girl to Love.

Young _Orion_[51] with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves, being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love of _Nas_ upon the Countenance of _Daphnis_[52]; two Lovers very famous in Antiquity.

Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will bring this about.

Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees you, may cry, _There goes a Lover_.

And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply observe it to you? But in Reality all Friends.h.i.+p and Integrity are nothing more than Names.

Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your Rival.

It is true there are some old Stories of faithful Friends: _Patroclus_ never made a Cuckold of _Achilles_; and _Phaedra's_ Chast.i.ty was never attempted by _Pirithous_.

_Pylades_ loved _Hermions_, who was his Friend's Wife; but it was with the pure Love of a Brother: And the same Fidelity did _Castor_ preserve towards his Twin-Brother _Pollux_.

But if you expect to find such Instances in these degenerate Days, you may as well have Faith enough to expect a Pine-Apple from a Pear-Tree, or to hope to fill your Bottle with _Burgundy_ from the River.

I am afraid we are grown so bad, that Iniquity itself gives a Relish to our Pleasures; and every Man is not only addicted to his Pleasures, but those are the sweeter, when season'd with another's Pain.

It is in short a terrible Case, that a Lover ought to fear his Friend more than his Enemy. Beware of the former, and you are safe.

Beware of your Cousin, and your Brother, and your dear and intimate Companions. These are the Sort of Gentry, from whom you are to apprehend most Danger.

Here I intended to have finished; but one Rule more suggests itself.

You are to note then, that there is a great Variety in the Tempers of Women; for a thousand different Women are to be wooed a thousand different Ways.

Mr. _Miller_ will tell you, that the same kind of Soil is not proper for all Fruits. One produces good Carrots, another Potatoes, and a third Turneps. Now there is as great a Variety of Disposition in the human Mind, as there are Forms in the World: For which Reason a Politician is capable of accommodating himself to innumerable Kinds of Tempers: Not _Proteus_ could indeed diversify himself more Ways than he can.

Nay you may learn this Lesson from every Fisherman; for some Fish are to be taken with one Bait, and some with another; others will scarce bite at any, but are however to be drawn out of the Water by a Net.

One good Caution under this Head, is to consider the Age of your Mistress: Old Birds are not taken with Chaff; and an old Hare will be sure to double.

Again, consider Circ.u.mstances. Do not frighten an ignorant Woman with Learning, nor a poor Country Girl with your fine Cloathes; for by these Means you will create in them too great an Awe of you. Many a Girl hath run away frighted from the Embraces of the Master, and afterwards fallen into the Clutches of his Footman.

And here we will now cast our Anchor, having finished the first Part of our intended Voyage.

_FINIS_

FOOTNOTES

[Footnote 1: Here _Ovid_ uses the Examples of _Automedon_, who was the Coachman of _Achilles_; and of _Tiphys_, who was Pilot or Steersman to the _Argonauts_.]

[Footnote 2: This is a literal Translation; by which it appears this barbarous Custom of whipping Boys on the Hands, till they look as if they had the Itch, was used by the _Roman_ Schoolmasters as well as by ours.]

[Footnote 3: The Original introduces _Achilles_, who was the pupil of _Chiron_.]