Amusing Prose Chap Books Part 26

A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family, and when expressing the t.i.tle "Liberty of the Press in France," one of his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press meant? "I'll soon answer that question," said he: "You know when your mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the bread, b.u.t.ter, and sugar lies, then you have access--That's the liberty o' the press."

_Donald and the Laird._

A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. "Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly.

"Ha, mon," exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the thing, I could find in my heart to come down."

_How to read a Sign-Board._

A Highland Drover pa.s.sing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription:--

Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of Confectionery Goods sold down this entry, read it as follows:-- Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.

Scabbed b.i.t.c.hes, and all sorts of Confusionery Goods, sold down this entry.

_How to Escape Robbery._

A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed, determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see a horse without a rider?" when he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, "That's no a way to use a man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled it up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, "If you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!" They jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man called after them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o'

baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna ken what deadly weapons he carries."

_Daft Will Speirs._

Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular daily visit, met his Lords.h.i.+p, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge bone. "Ay, ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay, ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."

_How to find Work._

A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of his master, to which the boy replied, "He's awa to Glasgow to look for a job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it would be done."

_Will Scott._

A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till he was soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't pay't."

_Grave-Digger of Sorn._

The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrs.h.i.+re, was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him. "Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed," was the answer, "the yard has done nothing ava for us this summer,--if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks."

_Scottish Parrot._

A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be pa.s.sing over it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk flew with his prey. When pa.s.sing over a garden Poll observed his old friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie." Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure.

_The Restless Haggis._

Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Sat.u.r.day night Babie was making a Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come hame, for I believe the de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk as soon's mysel."

_Expense of a Wife._

An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife. He was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his parritch in the morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she wad mak my parritch, but the plague is, she wad be fair to sup the hauf o' them."

_An Honest M'Gregor._

Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), in the north Highlands, being at last overtaken by the grim tyrant of the human race, was visited by the minister of the parish, whose appearance, however, was by no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly exhorted the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and black catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise he would have a tremendous account to give at the great day of retribution, when all the crimes he had committed in this world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of his guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, be there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let ilka shentleman tak her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest man again."

_Negro and the Musquito._

A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless your heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn your foot."

_A Brush for the Barber._

A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow a few days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Twopence," said the Highlander. "No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that does not satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. "I'll gie you a bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again."

_The Kellochsyde Grace._

The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--"O Lord, we'r ay gangan, an we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive gude trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth Janet, rax by the spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be thine. Amen."

_New Method of Teaching Music._

A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to crack his mind with the names of semibreves, minims, crotchets, and quivers--"Here, Donald," said he, "tak your pipies, lad, and gi's a blast--so, very weel blaun indeed; but what is sound Donald without sense?--ye may blaw for ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae queer things on the paper maun help you--you see that big fellow wi' a round open face (pointing to a semibreve between the two lines of the bar), he moves slowly, slowly, from that line to this, while you beat ane wi'

your fit, and gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o'

him and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin four times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, after blackin'

his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, he'll trop eight times faster than the white faced chap that I showed you first. Now, whene'er you blaw your pipes, Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's legs are tied, the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure to dance."

_Long-Winded Preacher._

A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, chapter viii.

verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after two fellows going across the churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

_Distinction of Sons and Daughters._

About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether it was better for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They could not 'gree, but disputed it _pro_ and _con_. At last one of them said to Graham of Kinross (wha hadna yoked wi' them in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?"

Quo' he, "I had three lads and three la.s.sies; I watna whilk o' them I liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll ha'e my share o' the callants when they cam to suck their father."

_Patrimony and Matrimony._