The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers Volume I Part 15

Far on the horizon six rainbows appeared, with an American Eagle at roost on the top one, and as the translucent pearl of the dawn shone between them, and a small pattern of blue sky with thirty-four stars broke out at one end, I saw--I beheld--yes, it ees! it ees! our Banger in the Skee yi!

The reason why the heavens took such an interest in the United States of America was the fact, that Captain Villiam Brown, of Company 3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, was to make a Great Expedition to Accomac County on that morning. Twelve years was the period originally a.s.signed, my boy, for the preparation of this Expedition; but, when the government heard that the Accomac rebels were making candles of all the fat Boston men they took prisoners, it concluded to do something during the present century. Villiam Brown was a.s.signed to the command of the Expedition, and when I asked the General of the Mackerel Brigade how such selection happened to be made, he said that Villiam was a.s.signed because there were so many signs of an a.s.s about him.

The General is much given to cla.s.sical metaphors, my boy, and ought to write for the new American Encyclopedia.

Previous to starting, Villiam Brown called a meeting of his staff, for the purpose of selecting such officers only who had slept with Hardee, and knew beans.

"Gentlemen," said Villiam, seating himself at a table, on which stood the Oath and a clean tumbler; "I wish to know which of you is the greatest shakes in a sacred skrimmage."

A respectable leftenant stepped forward with his hand upon his boozum.

"Being a native of Philadelphia," says he, "I am naturally modest; but only yesterday, when two rebels pitched into me, I knocked them both over, and am here to tell the tale."

Villiam Brown gave the speaker a piercing look, my boy, and says he:

"Impostor! beware how you insult the United States of America. I fathom your falsehood," says he, "by my knowledge of Matthew Maticks. You say that two chivalries pitched into you, and you knocked them both over.

Now Matthew Maticks distinctly says that two into one goes _no times_, and _nothing_ over. Speaker of the House, remove this leftenant to the donjon keep. He's Ananias Number 2."

The officer from Philadelphia being removed to the guard-house, where there is weeping and wailing, and picking of teeth, another leftenant stepped forward:

"I deal in technicalities," says he, "and can post you in law."

"Ha!" says Villiam, softly sipping the Oath, "then I will try you with an abstract question, my beautiful Belvideary. Supposing Mason and Slidell were your friends, how would you work it to get them out of Fort Warren?"

"Why," said the leftenant, pleasantly, "I'd sue out a writ of Habeas Jacka.s.s, and get the _New York Herald_ to advise the Government not to let them out."

"Yes," says Villiam, meditatively, "that would be sure to do it. I'll use you to help me get up my Proclamation."

"And now," says Villiam, dropping a lump of sugar into the Oath, and stirring it with a comb, "who is that air melancholy chap with a tall hat on, who looks like Hamlet with a panic?"

The melancholy chap came to the front, shook his long locks like Banquo, and says he:

"I'm the Press. I'm the Palladium of our Liberties--

"'Here shall the Press the People's rights maintain, Unawed by affluence and inspired by gain.'

"I'm the best advertising medium in the country, and have reptile cotemporaries. I won't be suppressed. No, sir!--no, sir!--I refuse to be suppressed."

"You're a giant intellek," says Villiam, looking at him through the bottom of a tumbler; "but I can't stand the press. Speaker of the House, remove him to the bath and send for a barber. Now, gentlemen, I will say a few words to the troops, and then we will march according to Hardee."

The section of the Mackerel Brigade being mustered in line against a rail fence, my boy, Captain Villiam Brown shut one eye, balanced himself on one foot, and thus addressed them.

"FELLOW-SOLDATS! (which is French.) It was originally intended to present you with a stand of colors; but the fellow-citizen who was to present it has only got as far as the hundred and fifty-second page of the few remarks he intended to make on the occasion, and it is a military necessity not to wait for him. (See Scott's Tactics, Vol. III., pp. 24.) I have but few words to say, and these are them: Should any of you happen to be killed in the coming battle, let me implore you to _Die without a groan_. It sounds better in history, as well as in the great, heart-stirring romances of the weekly palladiums of freedom. How well it reads, that 'Private Muggins received a shot in the neck and _died without a groan_.'

Soldats! bullets have been known to pa.s.s clean through the thickest trees, and so I may be shot myself. Should such a calamity befall our distracted country, I shall _die without a groan_, even though I am a grown person. Therefore, fear nothing. The eyes of the whole civilized world are upon you, and History and Domestic Romance expect to write that you _died without a groan_."

At the conclusion of this touching and appropriate speech, my boy, all the men exclaimed: "We will!" except a young person from New York, who said that he'd rather "Groan without a die;" for which he was sentenced to read Seward's next letter.

The Army being formed into a Great Quadrilateral (See Raymond's Tactics), moved forward at a double-quick, and reached Accomac just as the impatient sun was rus.h.i.+ng down. With the exception of a mule, the only Virginian to be seen was a solitary Chivalry, who had strained himself trying to raise some interest from a Confederate Treasury Note, and couldn't get away.

Observing that only one man was in sight, Captain Villiam Brown, who had stopped to tie his shoe behind a large tree on the left, made a flank movement on the Chivalry.

"Is these the borders of Accomac?" says he, pleasantly.

"Why!" says the Chivalry, giving a start, "you must be Lord Lyons."

"What makes you think that?" asked Villiam.

"Oh, nothing--only your grammar," says Chivalry.

This made Villiam very mad, my boy, and he ordered the bombardment to be commenced immediately; but as all the powder had been placed on board a vessel which could not arrive under two weeks, it was determined to take possession without combustion. Finding himself master of the situation, Captain Villiam Brown called the solitary Chivalry to him, and issued the following

PROCLAMATION.

CITIZEN OF ACCOMAC! I come among you not as a incendiary and a.s.sa.s.sin, but to heal your wounds and be your long-lost father.

Several of the happiest months in my life were not spent in Accomac, and your affecting hospitality will make me more than jealously-watchful of your liberties and the pursuit of happiness.

(See the Const.i.tution.)

Citizen of Accomac! These brave men, of whom I am a spectator, are not your enemies; they are your brothers, and desire to embrace you in fraternal bonds. They wish to be considered your guests, and respectfully invite you to observe the banner of our common forefathers. In proof whereof I establish the following orders:

I.--If any n.i.g.g.e.r come within the lines of the United States Army to give information, whatsomever, of the movements of the enemy, the aforesaid shall have his head knocked off, and be returned to his lawful owner, according to the groceries and provisions of the Fugitive Slave Ack. (See the Const.i.tution.)

II.--If any chicken or other defenceless object belonging to the South, be brought within the lines of the United States Army, by any n.i.g.g.e.r, his heirs, administrators, and a.s.signs, the aforesaid shall have his tail cut off, and be sent back to his rightful owner at the expense of the Treasury Department.

III.--Any soldier found guilty of shooting the Southern Confederacy, or bothering him in any manner whatsomever, the same shall be deemed guilty of disorderly conduct, and be p.r.o.nounced an accursed abolitionist.

VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire, Captain Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade, Commanding Accomac.

The citizen of Accomac, my boy, received this proclamation favorably, and said he wouldn't go hunting Union pickets until the weather was warmer. Whereupon Villiam Brown fell upon his neck and wept copiously.

The Union Army, my boy, now holds undisputed possession of over six inches of the sacred soil of Accomac, and this unnatural rebellion has received a blow which shakes the rotten fabric to its s.h.i.+vering centre.

The strong arm of the Government has at last reached the stronghold of treason, and in a few years this decisive movement on Accomac will be followed by the advance of our army on the Potomac.

Yours, with expedition,

ORPHEUS C. KERR.

LETTER XXII.

TREATING OF VILLIAM'S OCCUPATION OF ACCOMAC, AND HIS WISE DECISION IN A CONTRABAND CASE.

WAs.h.i.+NGTON, D.C., December 16th, 1861.

After sleeping with Congress for two days, my boy, and observing four statesmen and a small page driven to the verge of apoplexy by the exciting tale called the President's Message, I thought it was about time to mingle with the world again, and sent my servant, Percy de Mortimer, to bring me my gothic steed Pegasus. After a long search in the fields after that chaste architectural animal, my boy, he met a Missouri picket chap, and says he:

"Hev you seen a horse hereabout, my whisky-doodle?"