The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers Volume Ii Part 23

"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' cried Don Philip, vainly endeavoring to conquer his mirth, while Lisette rolled on the floor in a paroxysm of laughter.

"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. 'Look there! My horror, detestation, abhorrence--_a baby!_ Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the cursed little fiend! Oh, oh, oh!--diablo!'

"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'

"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, seduced! Stab me, shoot me, make a b.l.o.o.d.y corpse of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your wife an orphan!'

"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into the apartment and holding up her hands in wild astonishment.

"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing out his hair by handfulls. 'It's a baby!'

"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette was obliged to go to her a.s.sistance, while Don Philip approached his enraged friend and succeeded in soothing him.

"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to punish the perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The baby is a poor innocent little thing, and Lisette will attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby!

Now, Don Bobadil, repress your emotions.'

"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband with alacrity, a.s.sisted by Dame Margy, who was fully revived, and our hero burst into tears.

"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, that I am, what shall I do? That infamous woman will be here in a moment, and I know not how to act. Oh! curse that baby!'

"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent Lisette, after whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately left the apartment. 'Don Bobadil, you must a.s.sume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave Philip and me to account for your supposed absence, when Donna Leonora arrives.'

"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned with a promiscuous a.s.sortment of female garments, and before our hero had time to resist, he presented the appearance of a stout old lady.

'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an immense bonnet and veil upon his head, 'you must pa.s.s for Dame Margy, and leave me to settle with your cruel mistress.'

"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, Don Bobadil accepted in silence, especially as the sound of approaching footsteps fell upon his ear, as they tumbled him to a distant seat.

"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as two figures, deeply veiled, entered the apartment.

"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And where is Don Bobadil?'

exclaimed Leonora, clasping her hands.

"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her with much dignity, 'as the friend of Don Bobadil Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he has discovered ALL, and left Madrid forever.'

"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a breath.

"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'

"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant dropped their veils and sprang to the side of the chest.

"'Why!--what--who has done this?' exclaimed the fair Jewess, quivering like an aspen leaf.

"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'

"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that chest! I am cheated, deceived, ruined!'

"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, no longer able to restrain his rage, and darting toward her. But he stepped upon his skirts, and pitched headlong to the floor.

"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.

"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats under his arms, and tearing off the veil that concealed his face. 'Behold! false one! behold! Don Bobadil Banco!'

"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'

"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. Take that wretched baby to its father, or I will strangle it before your eyes.'

"'By the G.o.d we all wors.h.i.+p, I swear I never saw the child before!'

exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly upward.

"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with it, and Bobadil stood like one thunderstruck; but soon a new expression fell upon his countenance, and he turned gravely to the duenna.

"'Perhaps _you_ own the--the baby!'

"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste creature, rus.h.i.+ng from the room like a ricochetting shot.

"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said Leonora, calmly.

"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally exonerated her from all blame; yet there was the baby, screaming l.u.s.tily, and no other valuables were found in the chest.

"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, 'I judged too quickly; but then I took those gaudy robes from yonder chest, and--_who owns the baby?_'

"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, turning toward the door, 'you have adopted this plan to rob me of the little fortune I possessed. I would willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say you become a better man.'

"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of doubts and fears; and the lady was about departing, when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and prevented her.

"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone far enough--_I own the baby!_'

"'Lisette speaks truly, and _I am the baby's father!_' said Don Philip, grasping the hand of our perplexed hero.

"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his sword.

"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her handkerchief.

"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have heard my story,' replied Don Philip, coolly placing his arm about the waist of his Lisette.

'This lady,' he continued, 'is my _wife_, and has been such for two years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it should not reach the ears of my family until I had arrived at man's estate; but when you determined to take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. While you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I brought my wife and _baby_ hither, wis.h.i.+ng to surprise you at your return. I found your chest filled with the riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged its contents for those of our own. Knowing your hostility to babies, I placed the young _Bobadil_ in your casket also, and had you taken notice of small things, you would have observed that I left the lid partly open. It's only a reminiscence of college trickery, my dear Bobadil, and if it has given offence, behold the culprit at your feet.'

"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring glance of Lisette, completely overcame our hero's resentment, and he extended his hand in all gentleness; then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:

"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's frolic, and there should be no anger between us. I do dislike babies so much, that the sight of one makes me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope you will forgive me.'

"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that he soon stood face to face--I mean lips to lips--with her.

"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with solemnity.

"How this proposition was received, may be a.s.sumed from the fact that Dame Margy soon locked up an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted when he awoke next morning; how the families of our friends received the news of their scions' marriages, and how the young gentlemen felt themselves, are matters not explained by history; but it is certain that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again in want of ducats, and it is also certain that if any one wished to see an angry man, he could be gratified by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, and asking in mysterious tones--'_Who owns the Baby?_'"

At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, my boy, we "adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.