The Poems of Jonathan Swift, D.D Volume Ii Part 21

THE FAMOUS SPEECH-MAKER OF ENGLAND

OR BARON (ALIAS BARREN) LOVEL'S CHARGE AT THE a.s.sIZES AT EXON, APRIL 5, 17IO

Risum teneatis?--HORAT., _Ars Poetica_, 5.

From London to Exon, By special direction, Came down the world's wonder, Sir Salathiel Blunder, With a quoif on his head As heavy as lead; And thus opened and said:

Gentlemen of the Grand Inquest,

Her majesty, mark it, Appointed this circuit For me and my brother, Before any other; To execute laws, As you may suppose, Upon such as offenders have been.

So then, not to scatter More words on the matter, We're beginning just now to begin.

But hold--first and foremost, I must enter a clause, As touching and concerning our excellent laws; Which here I aver, Are better by far Than them all put together abroad and beyond sea; For I ne'er read the like, nor e'er shall, I fancy The laws of our land Don't abet, but withstand, Inquisition and thrall, And whatever may gall, And fire withal; And sword that devours Wherever it scowers: They preserve liberty and property, for which men pull and haul so, And they are made for the support of good government also.

Her majesty, knowing The best way of going To work for the weal of the nation, Builds on that rock, Which all storms will mock, Since Religion is made the foundation.

And, I tell you to boot, she Resolves resolutely, No promotion to give To the best man alive, In church or in state, (I'm an instance of that,) But only to such of a good reputation For temper, morality, and moderation.

Fire! fire! a wild-fire, Which greatly disturbs the queen's peace Lies running about; And if you don't put it out, ( That's positive) will increase: And any may spy, With half of an eye, That it comes from our priests and Papistical fry.

Ye have one of these fellows, With fiery bellows, Come hither to blow and to puff here; Who having been toss'd From pillar to post, At last vents his rascally stuff here: Which to such as are honest must sound very oddly, When they ought to preach nothing but what's very G.o.dly; As here from this place we charge you to do, As ye'll answer to man, besides ye know who.

Ye have a Diocesan,--[l]

But I don't know the man;-- The man's a good liver, They tell me, however, And fiery never!

Now, ye under-pullers, That wear such black colours, How well would it look, If his measures ye took, Thus for head and for rump Together to jump; For there's none deserve places, I speak't to their faces, But men of such graces, And I hope he will never prefer any a.s.ses; Especially when I'm so confident on't, For reasons of state, that her majesty won't Know, I myself I Was present and by, At the great trial, where there was a great company, Of a turbulent preacher, who, cursedly hot, Turn'd the fifth of November, even the gun-powder plot, Into impudent railing, and the devil knows what: Exclaiming like fury--it was at Paul's, London-- How church was in danger, and like to be undone, And so gave the lie to gracious Queen Anne; And, which is far worse, to our parliament-men: And then printed a book, Into which men did look: True, he made a good text; But what follow'd next Was nought but a dunghill of sordid abuses, Instead of sound doctrine, with proofs to't, and uses.

It was high time of day That such inflammation should be extinguish'd without more delay: But there was no engine could possibly do't, Till the commons play'd theirs, and so quite put it out.

So the man was tried for't, Before highest court: Now it's plain to be seen, It's his principles I mean, Where they suffer'd this noisy and his lawyers to bellow: Which over, the blade A poor punishment had For that racket he made.

By which ye may know They thought as I do, That he is but at best an inconsiderable fellow.

Upon this I find here, And everywhere, That the country rides rusty, and is all out of gear: And for what?

May I not In opinion vary, And think the contrary, But it must create Unfriendly debate, And disunion straight; When no reason in nature Can be given of the matter, Any more than for shapes or for different stature?

If you love your dear selves, your religion or queen, Ye ought in good manners to be peaceable men: For nothing disgusts her Like making a bl.u.s.ter: And your making this riot, Is what she could cry at, Since all her concern's for our welfare and quiet.

I would ask any man Of them all that maintain Their pa.s.sive obedience With such mighty vehemence, That d.a.m.n'd doctrine, I trow!

What he means by it, ho', To trump it up now?

Or to tell me in short, What need there is for't?

Ye may say, I am hot; I say I am not; Only warm, as the subject on which I am got.

There are those alive yet, If they do not forget, May remember what mischiefs it did church and state: Or at least must have heard The deplorable calamities It drew upon families, About sixty years ago and upward.

And now, do ye see, Whoever they be, That make such an oration In our Protestant nation, As though church was all on a fire,-- With whatever cloak They may cover their talk, And wheedle the folk, That the oaths they have took, As our governors strictly require;-- I say they are men--(and I'm a judge, ye all know,) That would our most excellent laws overthrow; For the greater part of them to church never go; Or, what's much the same, it by very great chance is, If e'er they partake of her wise ordinances.

Their aim is, no doubt, Were they made to speak out, To pluck down the queen, that they make all this rout; And to set up, moreover, A b.a.s.t.a.r.dly brother; Or at least to prevent the House of Hanover.

Ye gentlemen of the jury, What means all this fury, Of which I'm inform'd by good hands, I a.s.sure ye; This insulting of persons by blows and rude speeches, And breaking of windows, which, you know, maketh breaches?

Ye ought to resent it, And in duty present it, For the law is against it; Not only the actors engaged in this job, But those that encourage and set on the mob: The mob,[2] a paw word, and which I ne'er mention, But must in this place, for the sake of distinction.

I hear that some bailiffs and some justices Have strove what they could, all this rage to suppress; And I hope many more Will exert the like power, Since none will, depend on't, Get a jot of preferment.

But men of this kidney, as I told you before.-- I'll tell you a story: Once upon a time, Some hot-headed fellows must needs take a whim, And so were so weak (Twas a mighty mistake) To pull down and abuse Bawdy-houses and stews; Who, tried by the laws of the realm for high-treason, Were hang'd, drawn, and quarter'd for that very reason.

When the time came about For us all to set out, We went to take leave of the queen; Where were great men of worth, Great heads and so forth, The greatest that ever were seen: And she gave us a large And particular charge;-- Good part on't indeed Is quite out of my head;-- But I remember she said, We should recommend peace and good neighbourhood, wheresoever we came; and so I do here; For that every one, not only men and their wives, Should do all that they can to lead peaceable lives; And told us withal, that she fully expected A special account how ye all stood affected; When we've been at St. James's, you'll hear of the matter.

Again then I charge ye, Ye men of the clergy, That ye follow the track all Of your own Bishop Blackall, And preach, as ye should, What's savoury and good; And together all cling, As it were, in a string; Not falling out, quarrelling one with another, Now we're treating with Monsieur,--that son of his mother.

Then proceeded on the common matters of the law; and concluded:

Once more, and no more, since few words are best, I charge you all present, by way of request, If ye honour, as I do, Our dear royal widow, Or have any compa.s.sion For church or the nation; And would live a long while In continual smile, And eat roast and boil, And not be forgotten, When ye are dead and rotten; That ye would be quiet, and peaceably dwell, And never fall out, but p--s all in a quill.

[Footnote 1: Dr. Offspring Blackall. He was made Bishop of Exeter in 1707, and died in 1716.--_Scott_.]

[Footnote 2: Swift hated the word "mob," and insisted that the proper word to use was "rabble." See "Letters of Swift," edit. Birkbeck Hill, p.

55; and "Prose Works," ix, p. 35, _n.--_W. E. B._]

PARODY ON THE RECORDER'S SPEECH

TO HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF ORMOND, 4TH JULY, 1711

This city can omit no opportunity of expressing their hearty affection for her majesty's person and government; and their regard for your grace, who has the honour of representing her in this kingdom.

We retain, my lord, a grateful remembrance of the mild and just Administration of the government of this kingdom by your n.o.ble ancestors; and, when we consider the share your grace had in the happy Revolution, in 1688, and the many good laws you have procured us since, particularly that for preventing the farther growth of Popery, we are a.s.sured that that liberty and property, that happy const.i.tution in church and state, to which we were restored by King William of glorious memory, will be inviolably preserved under your grace's administration. And we are persuaded that we cannot more effectually recommend ourselves to your grace's favour and protection, than by a.s.suring you that we will, to the utmost of our power, contribute to the honour and safety of her majesty's government, the maintenance of the succession in the ill.u.s.trious house of Hanover, and that we shall at all times oppose the secret and open attempts of the Pretender, and all his abettors.

THE RECORDER'S SPEECH EXPLAINED BY THE TORIES

An ancient metropolis, famous of late For opposing the Church, and for nosing the State, For protecting sedition and rejecting order, Made the following speech by their mouth, the Recorder: First, to tell you the name of this place of renown, Some still call it Dublin, but most Forster's town.

THE SPEECH

May it please your Grace, We cannot omit this occasion to tell, That we love the Queen's person and government well; Then next, to your Grace we this compliment make, That our wors.h.i.+ps regard you, but 'tis for her sake: Though our mouth be a Whig, and our head a Dissenter, Yet salute you we must, 'cause you represent her: Nor can we forget, sir, that some of your line Did with mildness and peace in this government s.h.i.+ne.

But of all your exploits, we'll allow but one fact, That your Grace has procured us a Popery Act.

By this you may see that the least of your actions Does conduce still the most to our satisfactions.

And lastly, because in the year eighty-eight You did early appear in defence of our right, We give no other proof of your zeal to your Prince; So we freely forget all your services since.

It's then only we hope, that whilst you rule o'er us, You'll tread in the steps of King William the glorious, Whom we're always adoring, tho' hand over head, For we owe him allegiance, although he be dead; Which shows that good zeal may be founded in spleen, Since a dead Prince we wors.h.i.+p, to lessen the Queen.

And as for her Majesty, we will defend her Against our hobgoblin, the Popish Pretender.

Our valiant militia will stoutly stand by her, Against the sly Jack, and the st.u.r.dy High-flier.

She is safe when thus guarded, if Providence bless her, And Hanover's sure to be next her successor.

Thus ended the speech, but what heart would not pity His Grace, almost choked with the breath of the City!

BALLAD

To the tune of "Commons and Peers."

A WONDERFUL age Is now on the stage: I'll sing you a song, if I can, How modern Whigs, Dance forty-one jigs,[1]

But G.o.d bless our gracious Queen Anne.

The kirk with applause Is established by laws As the orthodox church of the nation.

The bishops do own It's as good as their own.

And this, Sir, is call'd moderation.

It's no riddle now To let you see how A church by oppression may speed; Nor is't banter or jest, That the kirk faith is best On the other side of the Tweed.

For no soil can suit With every fruit, Even so, Sir, it is with religion; The best church by far Is what grows where you are, Were it Mahomet's a.s.s or his pigeon.