Dolly Reforming Herself Part 30

CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand._

_Criddle._ I've found him, sir--

_Matt._ Rather mouldy, eh?

_Criddle._ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.

[_Begins to dust the box carefully._

_Matt._ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.

_Harry._ How?

_Matt._ You've had no occasion to use him lately.

_Criddle._ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it._] There he is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.

_Matt._ Where did you find him?

_Criddle._ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my hand behind, there he was!

_Harry._ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance._] Yes, I remember!

_Matt._ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds out his hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box._ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding it carefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box a shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more violently; it rattles again._] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he get into the wine-cellar, Harry?

_Harry._ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one morning--nothing serious----

_Matt._ No. When was that?

_Harry._ March, wasn't it?

_Dolly._ May, I think----

_Harry._ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled at Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so I thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.

_Matt._ [_Gives it another rattle._] Well, here he is, turned up just at the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs.

Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a sovereign for each of you.

CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_ CRIDDLE.

_Pilcher._ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing his parcels._] My New Year's gifts to a few of my paris.h.i.+oners!

_Dolly._ New Year's gifts!

_Pilcher._ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her._] Happy New Year, Mr. Barron!

[_Shaking hands._

_Matt._ Happy New Year!

_Pilcher._ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods._] My dear Mrs.

Sturgess! [_Shaking hands._

_Renie._ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last night!

_Pilcher._ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.

_Harry._ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well----

[_Gives himself a shake._

_Pilcher._ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!

_Lucas._ [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year!

_Pilcher._ I heard you were wounded----

_Lucas._ Oh, that's done with.

_Matt._ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest----

_Pilcher._ Inquest?!

_Matt._ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and----

[_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.

_Dolly._ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. n.o.body's character is dead here.

_Matt._ I hope not! We shall see----

_Lucas._ Uncle, you don't really mean----

_Matt._ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid any awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his claims to my contributions----

_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose of bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it a shake; his features a.s.sume a pleasant smile._] It seems to have proved a very wholesome household regulator.

_Harry._ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours before I put in a sovereign.

_Pilcher._ A sovereign?

_Harry._ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little tiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn't I, Dolly?----

_Dolly._ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!

_Pilcher._ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again._] I won't say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to liquidate them." [_Gives the box another rattle._] The box must have been in pretty constant use since----

_Harry._ Ye-es.