Dolly Reforming Herself Part 33

_Lucas._ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself on the back.

_Matt._ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance, you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of them at the same time----

_Lucas._ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this----

_Matt._ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the straight----

_Lucas._ Oh no I didn't.

_Matt._ I want to know----

_Lucas._ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes any further.

_Matt._ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S _shoulder._] Give me your word of honor----

_Lucas._ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't think you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet a lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my resolution, and there the matter ended.

_Pilcher._ I think I may claim a victory here.

_Lucas._ So please put in your sovereign.

_Matt._ [_Very seriously._] If you will give me your word of honor that you have absolutely broken off----

_Lucas._ Yes, yes, of course I have.

[MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER.

_Pilcher._ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory.

[_Taking out watch._] I must hurry off to the White House and see what they're doing there. [_Rattling the box._] Excellent results! So excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's gift.

[_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels._

_Dolly._ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?

_Pilcher._ [_Opening his parcel._] To you and your husband. To your husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little short of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest of us--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all been watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box._] My household regulator! [_Giving it to_ DOLLY.

_Dolly._ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of the parcel._] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's sake. Harry! For you, dear.

[_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table._]

_Dolly._ You call it the household regulator?

_Pilcher._ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its use will become very general throughout the diocese.

_Dolly._ You think it will work well?

_Pilcher._ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller, according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands._]

Good-bye, Professor.

_Prof._ I should like to make that point clear with regard to free will----

_Pilcher._ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we might argue it out----

_Prof._ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you----

_Pilcher._ Delighted!

[_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY.

_Prof._ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come with us----

_Renie._ But I've already been walking----

_Prof._ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep out in it all the day long----

_Renie._ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I suppose?

_Prof._ As usual. Come along.

[_Exit._ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR.

_Lucas._ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!

_Matt._ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!

[_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS.

_Lucas._ [_Suspicious, holding back._] I don't know that I care--we went there last year----

_Matt._ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.

[_Drags_ LUCAS _off_.

_Pilcher._ [_Has been gathering up his parcels._] Well, good-bye!

Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously._] Three splendid victories for free will and moral resolution!

[_Exit, rattling the box._

_Harry._ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?

_Dolly._ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.

_Harry._ You might let me see the little oddments----

_Dolly._ I will. [_Suddenly._] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!

_Harry._ What?

_Dolly._ I never wrote the geyser bath people!