Discworld - The Fifth Elephant Part 43

"Ankh-Morpork! Mister Civilized! Where are your weapons now, Ankh-Morpork?"

It was Wolfgang's voice. Vimes peered around the snowdrifts, which were already filling up with violet shadows as the afternoon died.

"I got two of you!" he shouted.

"Yes, they will have big headaches later on! We are werewolves werewolves, Ankh-Morpork! Quite hard to stop!"

"You said that you-"

"Your Mister Sleeps could run much faster than you, Ankh-Morpork!"

"Fast enough?"

"No! And the man with the little black hat could fight fight better than you, too!" better than you, too!"

"Well enough?"

"No!" shouted Wolfgang cheerfully.

Vimes growled. Even a.s.sa.s.sins didn't deserve that kind of death.

"It'll be sunset soon!" he shouted.

"Yes! I lied about the sunset!"

"Well, wake me up at dawn, then. I could do with the sleep!"

"You will freeze to death, Civilized Man!"

"Good!" Vimes looked around at the other trees. Even if he could jump to one, they were all conifers, painful to land in and easy to fall out of.

"Ah, this must be the famous Ankh-Morpork sense of humor, yes?"

"No, that was just irony," Vimes shouted, still looking for an arboreal escape route. "You'll know when we've got onto the famous Ankh-Morpork sense of humor when I start talking about b.r.e.a.s.t.s and farting!"

So what were his options? Well, he could stay in the tree, and die, or run for it, and die. Of the two, dying in one piece seemed better.

YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL FOR A MAN OF YOUR AGE.

Death was sitting on a higher branch of the tree.

"Are you following me, or what?"

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASE 'D 'DEATH WAS HIS CONSTANT COMPANION'?

"But I don't usually see see you!" you!"

POSSIBLY YOU ARE IN A STATE OF HEIGHTENED AWARENESS CAUSED BY LACK OF FOOD, SLEEP AND BLOOD?.

"Are you going to help me?"

WELL...YES.

"When?"

ER...WHEN THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR. Death hesitated, and then went on, EVEN AS I I SAY IT SAY IT I I REALIZE THAT THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR, HOWEVER REALIZE THAT THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR, HOWEVER.

The sun was near the horizon now, getting big and red.

Racing the sun...that was another Uberwald sport, wasn't it? Be home safe before the sun sets.

Half a mile or more, through deep snow in rising ground...

Someone was climbing up the tree. He felt it shake. He looked down. In the cold blue gloom, a naked man was quietly pulling himself from branch to branch.

Vimes was enraged. They weren't supposed to do this!

There was a grunt from below as the climber slipped and recovered on the greasy wood.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING, IN YOURSELF?.

"Shut up up! Even if you are are a hallucination!" a hallucination!"

There must be something something about werewolves he could use... about werewolves he could use...

You have a second's grace when they were changing shape, but they knew he knew that...

No weapons. That's what he'd noticed in the castle. You always always got weapons in castles. Spears, battleaxes, ridiculous suits of armor, huge old swords...Even the vampire had a few rapiers on the walls. That was because, sometimes, even vampires had to use a weapon. got weapons in castles. Spears, battleaxes, ridiculous suits of armor, huge old swords...Even the vampire had a few rapiers on the walls. That was because, sometimes, even vampires had to use a weapon.

Werewolves didn't. Even Angua hesitated before reaching for a sword. To a werewolf, a physical weapon would always be the second second choice. choice.

Vimes locked his legs together and swung around the branch as the werewolf came up. He caught it a blow on the ear and, as it looked up, managed another blow right on the nose.

It gave him a ringing slap and that would have ended it, except that it also pulled itself a little farther up the tree and brought itself in the range of the Vimes Elbow.

It justified the capital letter. It had triumphed in a number of street fights. Vimes had learned early on in his career that the graveyards were full of people who'd read the Marquis of Fantailler. The whole idea idea of fighting was to stop the other bloke hitting you as soon as possible. It wasn't to earn of fighting was to stop the other bloke hitting you as soon as possible. It wasn't to earn marks. marks. Vimes had often fought in circ.u.mstances where being able to use the hands freely was a luxury, but it was amazing how a well-placed elbow could make a point, possibly a.s.sisted by a knee. Vimes had often fought in circ.u.mstances where being able to use the hands freely was a luxury, but it was amazing how a well-placed elbow could make a point, possibly a.s.sisted by a knee.

He drove it into the werewolf's throat, and was rewarded with a horrible noise. Then he grabbed a handful of hair and pulled, let go and slammed the palm of his hand into its face in a mad attempt to prevent it having a second to think. He couldn't allow that-he could see the size of the man's muscles.

The werewolf reacted, instead.

There was that sudden moment of morphological inexact.i.tude. A nose turned into a muzzle while Vimes's fist was en route, but when the wolf opened its mouth to lunge at him two things occurred to it.

One was that it was high in a tree, not a tenable position for a shape designed for fast-paced living on the ground. The other was gravity.

"Down there it's the lore," Vimes panted, as its paws scrabbled for purchase on the greasy branch, "But up here it's me me."

He reached up, grabbed the branch above him, and kicked down with his feet.

There was a yelp, and another yelp as the wolf slid and hit the next branch down.

About halfway toward the ground it tried to change back again, combining in one falling shape all the qualities of something not good at staying in trees with something not good at landing on the ground.

"Gotcha!" screamed Vimes.

In the forest all around, a howling went up.

The branch he was clinging to...snapped. For a moment he hung by the gloomy trousers of Uncle Vanya, caught on a snag, and then their ancient fabric ripped off him and he dropped.

His progress was a little faster, since the falling werewolf had removed a lot of branches on the way down, but the landing was softer because the werewolf was just getting to its feet.

Vimes's flailing hand grabbed a broken branch.

A weapon weapon.

Thought more or less stopped when his fingers closed. Whatever replaced it in the pathways of his brain was gus.h.i.+ng up from somewhere else, thousands of years old.

The werewolf struggled up and turned on him. The branch caught it across the side of the head.

Steam rose off Sir Samuel Vimes as he lurched forward, snarling incoherently. He smacked the club down again. He roared. There were no words there. It was a sound from before words. If there was any meaning in it at all, it was a lament that he couldn't cause enough pain...

The wolf whined, stumbled, rolled over...and Changed.

The human extended a bleeding hand toward him in supplication.

"Ple-ease..."

Vimes hesitated, club raised.

The red rage drained away.

In one movement, changing from man to wolf as it moved, the werewolf sprang.

Vimes went backward into the snow. He could feel the breath and the blood, but not the pain- No talons ripped, no teeth tore.

And the weight was lifted. Hands pulled the body off him.

"Bit of a close one there, sir," said a voice cheerfully. "Best not to give them any quarter, really." There was a spear right through the werewolf.

"Carrot?"

"We'll get a fire going. It's easy if you dip the wood in the fat springs first."

"Carrot?"

"I shouldn't think you've eaten. There's not much game this close to the town, but we've still got some-"

"Carrot?"

"Er...yes, sir?"

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing here?"

"It's all a bit complicated, sir. Here, let me help you up-"

Vimes shook him off as he tried to help him to his feet.

"I got this far, thank you, I think I'm capable of standing up," he said, and forced his legs to support him.

"You seem to have lost your trousers, sir."

"Yes, it's the famous Ankh-Morpork sense of humor once again," growled Vimes.

"Only...Angua will be back soon, and...and..."

"Sergeant Angua's family, Captain, are in the habit of running around the woods in the snow stark bol-stark naked!"

"Yes, sir, but...I mean...you know...it's not really..."

"I'll give you five minutes to find a clothes shop, shall I? Otherwise-Look, where the h.e.l.l are all the werewolves, eh? I was expecting to drop into a heap of snarling jaws, and now you're here, thank you very much, and there's no werewolves!"

"Gavin's people chased them away, sir. You must've heard the howl go up."

"Gavin's people, eh? Well, that's good! That's very good! I'm pleased about that! Well done, Gavin! Now...who the h.e.l.l is Gavin!"

A howl went up from a distant hill.

"That's Gavin," said Carrot.

"A wolf? Gavin's a wolf? I've been saved from werewolves by wolves wolves?"

"It's all right, sir. When you think about it, it's not really any different from being saved from werewolves by people."

"When I think about it, I think perhaps I was better off lying down," said Vimes weakly.

"Let's get to the sleigh, sir. I was trying to say we have got got your clothes. That's how Angua tracked you." your clothes. That's how Angua tracked you."

Ten minutes later Vimes was sitting in front of a fire with a blanket around him, and the world seemed to make a little more sense. A slice of venison was going down well, and Vimes was far too hungry to bother much that the butcher appeared to have used his teeth.

"The wolves spy on the werewolves?" he said.

"Sort of, sir. Gavin keeps an eye on things for Angua. They're...old friends."

The moment of silence went on just slightly too long.

"He sounds like a very bright wolf," said Vimes, in the absence of anything more diplomatic to say.

"More than that. Angua thinks he might be part werewolf, from way back."