No Time To Wave Goodbye Part 3

Her child was a child who fell between the statistics-like Ben-except that Penny's little boy fell on the wrong side of the percentages.

The first thing that Penny asked him was, "Why? Why are you making a movie about families who never found out what happened? Why can't you do a movie about the happy endings? Your family was one of the lucky ones."

Vincent answered as honestly as he could. "Penny, to tell you the truth, I guess it's because we were lucky. It makes you wonder about the others. How their lives go on and what helps them be strong."

"They're not all strong," Penny said.

"I know," said Vincent. "But look. Your story didn't have a happy ending. But your work helps other people." And she had to agree with that.

Vincent told Beth that Grandpa Angelo had asked him the same question. Turning up the collar of his wool cardigan, Grandpa gripped his espresso cup and pushed the glider back as far as it would go. "So much grief, 'Cenzo. Your mama and papa and Nana and I waited so long. Now you would bring the grief back to us? To build a new house of grief? Pain already lives next door. Even now, I see your father's face sometimes and it's all there."

Vincent said, "The best answer is, I won't really know why I need to do this until I do it, Grandpa. I don't think it's going to be fun."

Over a period of months, long before he told even Grandpa Angelo and Candy what he was doing, Vincent and his business partner Rob winnowed down the possibilities. The choices were finally easy: It came down to a combination of the target families' poignant willingness and the chemistry between them and Vincent. Vincent went to Was.h.i.+ngton State; then to Durand, California, outside San Francisco; to Texas; to Wisconsin's Lake Madrigal; and to Chicago, to make sure he had a film, even before he approached Charley Seven for the money. He shot hoops with the d.i.c.ksen boy. He ate the Hutchesons' ranch eggs and sourdough and drank the Caffertys' endless cups of coffee-because these families drank more coffee than anyone except people at an AA meeting. He watched their television programs with them, knowing that they forgot the thread of a TV mystery during a commercial for cream cheese. Swallowing hard, Vincent let them show him home videos and family picture alb.u.ms. He admired first steps and cla.s.s graduation and candles on a Sweet Sixteen cake. They began to think of him as someone who could walk back in after getting something out of his car without having to knock. Vincent didn't really have as much of a way with people as Rob did. But he had intensity and he had the history.

He and Rob scouted out the best deals on used lights and cameras and found a Canon XL high-def, the boom, and the other mikes, while Rob began setting up a schedule to make sure they had cheap hotel rooms and good pasta. The quality of a film-any film, even The G.o.dfather-depended on the quality of the food.

And finally, the last piece fell into place.

To woo Ben, Vincent had to fight the pull of the restaurant, the restaurant, the restaurant-which was almost genetic. Back when his ma was basically living but brain dead, when she forgot what you said about ten seconds after you said it, Vincent's dad also was always gone-he had the restaurant to run to. For a while, an older girl cousin took care of them, and then Dad presumed Ma could, but he presumed wrong. Except for Ben, who was nurtured by George, the good-guy husband of his G.o.dd.a.m.ned kidnapper, the Cappadora kids lived on leftover bracciole and all the creative child care that Vincent could provide-which was not much, given how busy he was building his bookmaking operation.

Still, Kerry turned out to be a good kid and a great woman.

"Did Ben ask why you wanted to do this too?" Beth asked.

"Only about a thousand f.u.c.king times," Vincent answered and winced. "I'm sorry, Ma. I apologize for swearing."

"Accepted. What did you tell him?"

Vincent shook his head. How much could he say? Try the truth, Tom used to say; it catches people off guard. "I told Ben, 'What, do you think there's an excess of awareness about missing kids?' I reminded him that Candy looked right at him sleeping in Cecilia's mother's house and that if people thought more, if they knew how nuts Cecilia was, they could have brought him home after a week. A lot of s.h.i.+t would have remained out of the fan."

Beth winced. She looked out over the pristine and absolutely unused pool. Vincent went on, "What I really told him that was most important was that I didn't think every doc.u.mentary film has to be about politics. I said there was a strong emotional narrative in the reversed life these people have had to live...."

"You were right."

Vincent said, "Thank you."

"Your father will get over the financing thing."

"I couldn't ask you two," Vincent said.

"You could have asked us."

"I'd have had to tell you what it was about."

"You don't get enough from Tutu Amore 'chocolatto for lovers'? I love how they're swimming in chocolate in the commercial."

"That was risque when we made it," Vincent said. "And no. We don't get enough. Not even close."

Tutu Amore paid for how Vincent and Rob lived, which was decently, "drinking champagne on a beer gut," as Grandpa Angelo said, in a typical expression. When he said something vaguely insulting, he would tell you he didn't mean to "cast a.s.sertions." Vincent's house in Venice Beach had once been a garage, but all two rooms were his own. He had a mortgage. So what, he lived in a dump and dressed like a prince? Didn't all Italians do that? Italians in Italy? Didn't they put everything they had on their backs or on their tables?

"Tell me more about the Caffertys," Beth urged him. The past half hour comprised the largest sum total of sentences in sequence Vincent had spoken to her since he was sixteen.

"Ben got weird. He was fine until we got to the Caffertys' house. Then he stayed outside."

He didn't tell her that, half the time, Vincent wished he had stayed outside too. The night before he shot the Caffertys, two Benadryl and an Ambien hadn't made a dent in Vincent's chronic insomnia, which abated only when he slept at his parents' house. It was while he was with the Caffertys that the gut pain that bothered him for the rest of the shoot first began. It was just him and Rob and Ben with Charley Seven's bizarre nephew Marco, called Markey-the precondition for the loan. It wasn't until after they'd finished the interview that Vincent realized he had felt, the whole time, as though he was walking around the house of his early childhood, with the lumpy green sofa and the Wisconsiny checkered curtains, the things Pat and Beth had had before the restaurants got famous and they got what Ben called the Villa Cappadora in WASPville and did everything over in a variation of beige.

"Do you know Markey Ruffalo?" Vincent asked.

"Not really. Just to see. We know his sister, Adriana."

"The pretty girl. With the hair."

"Yes," Beth said. "That one. Who worked at the restaurant."

Beth got up from the bench and snapped a few more blown heads off the roses that circled the pool. She liked her roses, the only flowers she bothered taking care of herself. They'd gone on blooming through the long, warm fall. Then she sat back down.

"So ... about Markey.... What does this have to do with Ben acting weird?"

"He's nineteen. He wouldn't go to school. He wouldn't hold any job. So finally Petey sent him to work for Charley, who sent him to me because, I'm quoting here, Ma, not swearing, the kid's a.s.s was merging into the sofa in the office."

"I've been in that office," Beth said. "The one with nothing in it but a desk, not even any file cabinets ..."

"Yeah, and a c.o.ke machine with only one kind of c.o.ke?"

"Was Markey awful?"

"No!" Vincent said. "He was great! That was the thing. He never touched a piece of equipment before, but the light and the sound stuff ... he was like some kind of savant! He followed us into that dark little room with the camera on creepers and he somehow made it look like humans could live there."

Beth said, "Huh."

Vincent went on to describe Markey's bizarre combination of grace and cluelessness. The purpose statement specified a no-smoking-on-set shoot; and so there was Markey, smoking Marlboros one after the other, snapping the filters off and dropping them on the Caffertys' lawn as fast as Vincent could pick them up. He had to wipe the equipment with baby wipes every five seconds ... but besides that, he was totally invisible. Vincent said, "He didn't talk. Didn't have any facial expressions."

Beth added, "And there's nothing worse when you're trying to get something done and it's sensitive and somebody's standing there like ... talking on the phone and texting someone...."

"Yeah! Exactly! Do you even know how to text, Ma?"

"Actually, I do," Beth said. "Where was Ben all this time?"

"That was it. He just sat on the porch. And if Rob and I were the hors d'oeuvres, then Ben's the dessert, okay? And so finally I go out there and he gives me the finger. I'm like, 'What the h.e.l.l is that?'" The telephone rang, repeatedly and insistently, inside the house, but Beth waved away the glance Vincent shot at it.

"What was it?" she asked.

"He said it was the trampoline. He saw the trampoline and junk. He said it was then that he realized it was real. Like a real little kid. He said, 'It's like me, a.s.shole. Like a copy of our house. As if you didn't know that when you brought me here.'

"And I told him, Sam, you weren't even there. You don't remember the things you had when you were little. And he's like, ... first of all, you don't have a family, you are not expecting a baby. And second, you don't know what I remember." Vincent paused. He was sweating in the soft air. "So we did atmospheric shots for a while," he said. With the camera on creepers, they followed Eileen Cafferty into Alana's room. "Ma, the clothes in her closet were so little that they barely took up any vertical s.p.a.ce."

Beth found herself breathing harder. She remembered savagely tearing down folded little corduroys with Sesame Street characters on them, little dinosaur T-s.h.i.+rts-putting away the few things her friend Laurie had left behind when she came in and boxed up most of Ben's scattered belongings. While Pat and his family watched her in horror, Beth seemed determined to erase Ben after he was abducted.

Vincent told his mother about postcards from Alana's grandma that were stuck around the mirror. Her doll was missing one shoe. She had written down the words to an old Disney song, but written them down wrong: I know you. You walked with me once upon a bridge ...

"Do you remember how Ben used to sing some old song the wrong way?" Vincent asked.

Beth said, "If a bunny catch a bunny ..."

"What is it really?" Vincent asked.

"I can't sing but it's really ... um, if a body catch a body, coming through the rye. Everybody has somebody, nay they say, have I. But all the girls they smile at me when coming through the rye," Beth sang softly. "Why?"

"They said their little girl used to sing some Disney song. Over and over. Like Ben did. That's all. Anyhow, they took us out to the yard with the huge trampoline and told us Alana got it for her sixth birthday, the last birthday before they lost her." Beth was quiet. "They said she always made Adam, that's the little brother, jump too high ... he was four then."

"I yelled at you for doing that," Beth said.

Vincent played the track in his head, Ben, don't be a baby! You big baby! I won't let you fall if you jump ... and Ma saying, Vincent! He's too little for that slide! Stop it! You were scared to death of that slide when you were three....

"Then, we went back to the living room...." The Caffertys had held a picture of the little girl, grinning with big, white teeth that looked oversized in her face. Eileen must once have looked this way. In the photos, Alana's big eyes were touched with eye shadow, her outfits carefully put together. Eileen had herself been a gymnast-first an Olympic hopeful, then a few seasons high on the ropes with Cirque du Soleil, then a coach at her own gym. She didn't coach anymore.

Now, Eileen Cafferty stayed home, writing endless letters in support of early-alert technology for missing-child cases.

Her husband, Al, was as big as she was tiny, a thickly muscled, blond man whose face didn't seem to match his Irish last name. Al's guys did most of the work now at his construction firm. He went to the office twice a week. He worked out at the gym. He slept. Among the decks of photos picturing Eileen with Alana were a few of her brother, Adam. He wore hockey gear, or held a baseball or a big brown trout. But there were no more family Christmas pictures, fireplace or tree-farm snaps of two kids in matching sweaters they must have hated. Something had seeped out of the Caffertys, the Hutchesons, all of the families: It was as though they'd lost some kind of affective pigment. Their lives ground forward only because people had to breathe and eat so that their missing child wouldn't come back to find them dead.

"They didn't come to the screening," Beth said. "Well, she didn't."

"She just had a baby," Vincent said. "Al didn't think she could. Sari Hutcheson just plain didn't come. I was surprised that the Whittiers' girl, Blaine, did. She was ... it was funny ... it was like she was worse off than the father when we were there."

Even the Whittiers, though, as self-possessed as they were, still searched Vincent's eyes for hope. At least the mother and sister did. So did Rosa and Ernest Rogelio, Luis's parents. Vincent was once removed from Ben, the full-solar-eclipse being. They didn't know the fine print and didn't care. There was Ben, who came back. That was all they needed to know, forever and ever, amen.

Should he tell his mother more? About his own nightmares, which had come back full-strength-nightmares he hadn't had since he was a teenager? Vincent decided to stick to the facts. His mother was still so fragile, bright and busy but so thin and all on-purpose. He had no idea what Beth really thought. Like, should he tell her about what Al Cafferty said about the phone number, about how people used to call them all the time? He knew she would want to know. But would it turn the knife?

Al told them, "We got sick of the crazies that come out at the full moon. We got ourselves unlisted now. But we still advertise. We still offer a reward for information."

Vincent had remembered his mother slamming down the phone, uttering words that, at age eight, he understood as "You funning buster!" Wearing pajama pants and his father's old s.h.i.+rts, with unwashed hair and greasy skin, she'd occasionally had the fegato to tell the cranks off. Other times, she didn't pick up. She sat on the sofa, her green eyes wide, her hands limp around Kerry's little tummy, where Vincent had ritually placed them. He heard one time what they said: I saw your little boy with a good family. Not like your G.o.dless family. He's better off because you left the church, Elizabeth. You're on G.o.d's s.h.i.+t list, Beth. You and your Dago husband. You deserve this.

Who was it who talked about crank callers in the film? Penny? He wasn't about to mention it now. He'd already given his mother worry for ten lifetimes with all he'd done-not just the Ben thing but after Ben came home, for years, up until ... now. But he longed to ask, how had she hung on to even strings of her mind? How had she forgiven Vincent for being such a p.r.i.c.k, for hating her? Vincent had hated her. Dad took a powder for the restaurant-first Uncle Augie's in Madison, then their own. Mom had the phone calls, the psychics, the endless letters, cards decorated with the Holy Cross or puppies or rainbows, the Protestant zealots, and the tipsters. She had Vincent, terrified, jumping up and down like a Jack Russell terrier trying to get her to see him, then stealing lunch cards and pencils, then cash and candy, then booze and cars. And Kerry, a confused and messy little ragam.u.f.fin ... and Candy.

Maybe Candy's friends.h.i.+p, like a lighthouse, was how Vincent's mother had managed not to lose her mind altogether.

"How did you finally get Ben to come in?" Beth asked, interrupting Vincent's thoughts.

"He just did finally. I was about to give up. And I said, Al and Eileen, this is my brother, Sam Cappadora," Vincent said. "And you can imagine how they took that. The name-switch thing."

"Yes," Beth said. Her skin seemed to grow taut. A pause lengthened like a penny dropped into a deep well. "What did they say?"

Vincent answered slowly. "Eileen asked, wasn't your brother Benjamin? And Ben told them he ... he didn't remember the time he had that name. He was more comfortable with Sam." Vincent watched his mother. "He said ..."

"Yes," she said. "I know what he said. Ben said his dad called him that."

"And ... well, you can imagine."

"I bet Mrs. Cafferty said something like, that must break your mother's heart," Beth said evenly. Vincent bit his lip. Eileen had said that, word for word.

"So then we moved on...."

"You don't have to protect me, Vincent," Beth said. "If you wanted to protect me, you shouldn't have made the film at all. I don't mean that as a put-down. I know he told them about George. He must have. And that he calls us Pat and ..."

"Well, right. Anyhow, Ben ignored the list of questions. Ben asked, was Alana a gymnast? And, wouldn't she be at the perfect age to compete nationally now? And I thought, great! When we leave, these people are going to get out some clothesline and hang themselves in the garage! But Al said that was just what he thought ..."

"I remember," Beth said, snapping her fingers. "Someone wanted their own little champion. Or maybe they had a child who died ... like Cecil."

"Ah, yeah," Vincent said, who now wanted not just to leave, but to sprint across the yard like Carl Lewis. He got up and brushed off his pants. "I'm cold. Are you cold?"

"I'm fine," Beth said. "The pictures of that little girl. You nailed that, Vincent. His face and then that great bit of the little girl performing." She meant the footage of Alana's floor exercise to the old song "Happy Talk," from South Pacific.

"Ma, these gymnastics meets and beauty pageants and stuff for kids, they're like a farmer's market for pedophiles. You know? Buy a wristband and pretend you're somebody's uncle, and take your pick. That's what I think happened to Alana. Somebody remembered seeing a white van with some kind of painting on the side." Vincent paused. "White vans. The vehicle of choice for serial killers. And they told us about one time they might have gotten an authentic call. Someone called and they heard the background noise, like a meet, an announcer and all that, and someone said something that sounded like 'Mama,' and they thought it was Alana."

"That must have been h.e.l.lish. At least that never happened to us."

That you know of, Vincent thought, thinking of the years he'd sat astride his bike, watching Ben whack the puck in his driveway. And he had left out the part about how he couldn't swallow when Eileen told them that Adam, the little brother, used to sneak in and sleep in Alana's bed. He'd left that part out of the film, too. When he heard the Caffertys say that, Vincent nearly lost it. He was eleven years old again, asleep in Ben's bed with Ben's misshapen toy rabbit, Igor, stuffed carefully under his stomach so that Dad wouldn't see it and think he was a sissy or something.

"She said she wouldn't want to be alive, except that they were having the baby, and Ben said, I told my mom once that there were things worse than dying."

"Ben did say that. And he's right. Dying is an answer. That was a question."

Vincent thought of the last moments, of all saying, One minute we had all the time in the world. Next minute, no time to wave to her.

That was when Vincent thought of the t.i.tle ... no time to wave goodbye. Or had he always known it? He turned to his mother, but she had silently gotten up and motioned for him to follow her inside.

He wondered if he had gone too far.

He caught up with Beth halfway across the backyard. They began to laugh as they remembered his bagel, which Beth said must have the consistency now of a hockey puck. And casually, as though she did this all the time, Beth took Vincent's hand.

CHAPTER FIVE.

"I've spent my life finding creative ways to get out of hosting parties," Beth said. "And this will make, what, five in a year? The wedding shower, the baby shower, the movie party. You do it."

"My house is too small," Candy said.

That much was true. Candy had added on to her little Baltis brownstone after she adopted Eliza, but the whole place was still the size of a very austere, timelessly fas.h.i.+onable camper. "I don't see why there has to be a reception for everything anyhow."

"Eliza would absolutely kill me if there was no reception after Stella's christening. She's the queen of receptions."