Switching Gears Part 22

You appear confident, like you dont have any cares or worries, but deep down youre not. Ever since your Lucas died, you push people away.

I stare at him, trying to make sense of what hes saying. Its a truth I dont want to admit.

He squeezes my hand, and I pull it away. Why do you push people away, Emmy? Why dont you get close to anyone?

Im close to plenty of people.

Name two. He looks at me, his expression serious. Besides your brother and Kelsie.

I look away.

Tell me about him.

Who?

Lucas.

I cant.

I met him once.

When?

At that carnival fundraiser for him last year. He seemed cool.

He was.

So, tell me something about him. A nice memory. Talk about him. I want to know what he was like.

My eyes fill with tears, and I try to blink them back. Why does he want to know about him so bad?

Emmy.

I take a shaky breath. I dont know if I want to tell him, but it comes pouring out anyway. We grew up together. Me, Lucas, and his sister, Oakley.

He nods, but waits for me to continue.

We were inseparable. Lucas was two years older than me, and Oakley was a year. But it didnt matter. We hung out all the time.

Ive heard the name Oakley. People have talked about her at school. They said she just left town before graduation and never came back.

I dont want to know what everyones said about her. The good or the bad, so I keep talking. She graduated early. I pause a moment, gathering my thoughts. I used to watch Lucas play basketball in his front yard when we were growing up. He was good. On the school team and everything. He was basically one of those people who was good at whatever he tried. I played with him in his driveway sometimes, and embarra.s.sed myself, and hed come biking with me other times. Thats when I discovered mountain biking was the one thing he wasnt good at. I smile at the memory of him freaking out when I went down a hill faster than him. We hung out a lot after school, played video games, went to get shakes, but most days we just sat around talking for hours. He was there for me when I had bad days, and I was there for him when he did. The times where he broke up with girlfriends and the times I didnt get along with my parents. Like I said. We were really close.

When his cancer came back, he told me everything was going to be okay, even though we both knew he wasnt going to make it. I sniff, holding back tears. He should have been fine. He shouldnt have had to go through so much pain. Its not fair.

I stare at our hands entwined and then close my eyes. Coles not Lucas. Hes not Lucas. Hes not like him at all actually. But why do I feel like I can tell him things? Why do I think I can trust him?

Hes watching me. He doesnt bug me to finish, just sits there, waiting.

Its funny how life works out sometimes. Lucas and I never dated, but I always loved him from afar. He had girlfriends all through high school. How couldnt he, since he was so perfect. And Oakley wors.h.i.+pped her brother. They were best friends.

When he knew he didnt have much time left, he asked me to come to the hospital. He told me I swallow the lump in my throat and Cole squeezes my hand. He told me he loved me. That he was sorry he never acted on it earlier. That he regretted telling me so late.

I think of the moments we shared. The look on his pale face. The intense feeling of regret that I never kissed him or held his hand, and how we could have been together and happy. It was too much for my sixteen-year-old heart to take.

He died a week later. And everything fell apart after that. Oakley didnt talk to me again. Her parents separated and then she moved to California with her mom. I know she wasnt mad at me, but it still hurt when she left without saying good-bye.

Have you talked to her since then?

Yes. A few times on the phone, which is good. Shes doing well and just got engaged to a nice guy named Carson.

Isnt she our age? Thats super young.

Shes a year older than me. And yeah, its young. But when its right, its right, I guess. I wonder if Ill ever meet him. I hope so. Im happy for her. She deserves to be happy after all she went through with her brother.

She does. You deserve to be happy, too, you know.

I shrug. When I realized he wasnt going to make it, and especially after he pa.s.sed away, I stopped letting myself get close to people. I dont know why. It was a coping thing, I guess. If I dont get close, people cant hurt me, right? It kind of lingered and got worse as the year went on. Its one reason I quit the biking team. Not all, since you were a huge part of it. And Whitney joining. But yeah. There you go. Thats my story. I have issues, I guess. And now that my moms having problems My eyes widen and I stop talking. Why would I tell him that?

Your mom?

I shake my head. Nothing.

You can tell me, Em. You can trust me. I promise.

I know I dont want to get into that right now. Maybe some other time.

He smiles and squeezes my hand. Ill be here if you need me.

I know.

Im sorry for everything youve gone through.

I smile. Not your fault.

I know. But still, it sucks.

It does.

Hes quiet for a moment before he speaks again. My sister ran away from home when she was fifteen. I was thirteen. We were really close. Did everything together, believe it or not. When she was a soph.o.m.ore in high school, she got mixed up in the wrong crowd. Got hooked on some pretty bad drugs and things. Her and my parents fought all the time. Then one day, she just left. He shakes his head. I didnt see her for years.

Im sorry. Have you seen her since then? I cant imagine something like that happening to Gavin.

He shrugs. Shes in rehab right now, doing better I think. She doesnt contact the family very often. Theres still a lot of tension between her and my parents. I just wish I could have done something. Anything to help her make better choices than she did. I mean, I wasnt a saint, but she knew better. She knew what drugs would do to her and she still did it. She was such a good girl.

Sometimes people make c.r.a.ppy choices, but it doesnt mean theyre bad. It just takes them a bit longer to realize their mistakes and get back on track with the rest of us.

I know. Learn from our mistakes, I guess.

Yes. And Im not saying Im perfect. We all have things we need to work on. Some are just different than others.

He squeezes my hand. Thanks. For that.

Youre welcome.

As we sit there together, I feel safe. Like weve made some progress on the whole trust thing. I do trust him. And even though I miss Lucas and thought I knew what love was when I was with him, I cant help but feel like Im going to be okay. That Ill figure things out and let people into my life again.

When Oakley and Lucas left, they left two gaping holes in my heart. Holes I didnt think could be filled again. But Kelsie stepped in and took care of one. Maybe Cole will fill the other.

For right now, though, as I sit next to him and lean my head on his shoulder, all I can think of is how happy I am that he didnt give up on me. And hopefully Ill continue to let him in.

CHAPTER 23.

Instead of my alarm going off the next morning, Moms knock wakes me up. Hey, Emmy. Im heading to work and wanted to make sure you were feeling okay. She motions toward the st.i.tches in my head, and I nod.

Im fine. I blink a few times, trying to wake up, and as I take in her appearance, I frown. She looks tired. There are splotches on her face, too, like shes been crying. As I think back on my conversation with Dad about her putting in her two weeks, Im positive she has been. She loves her job. Im sure shes having a hard time with this decision.

It makes me feel ten times worse that Ive been avoiding her.

Those flowers are beautiful. Did a boy give them to you?

I glance at my nightstand at the daisies Cole brought. Maybe.

Looks like this ones a keeper.

Sure. I really dont want to discuss Cole with her right now because I dont know what he is to me. Or what I want him to be.

Good. Do you have any plans today?

I might go biking. On what, Im not sure, since my stupid wheel is broken.

Go with someone, please. I dont want you to get hurt again with no one to help you.

I sigh. I know.

She comes into my room and sits on my bed. It looks a little better in here. She cringes as she sees the pile of clothes stacked in the corner.

It looks the same. I think.

Yes, pretty much. She laughs and so do I.

You should be used to it by now. Ive been this way my whole life.

She pats my arm. It doesnt mean you cant change.

I know. I really should work on being cleaner. My biking stuff is all organized and perfect, but for some reason I cant get a hold of keeping my room clean. I think I take after Dad.

She laughs. Of course you do. She stares at my posters on the wall and, for a moment, I feel like everythings fine. Shes still my mom. She still knows who I am. My world isnt cras.h.i.+ng down anymore. So what do you want to do for girls night next week?

I shrug. I dont know. Maybe see a movie? That might be nice.

Shes silent.

Mom?

Silence again. She is still staring at one of my posters.

Mom, I say again, getting out of bed and crouching in front of her. Mom. Are you okay?

She blinks and stares at me a second before looking around. Oh. Yes. She looks around like shes seeing me for the first time. Yes, Im fine. Sorry, I just lost my train of thought for a second. She chuckles. What were we talking about? She hesitates. Girls night, right?

Yes. I said we should go see a movie or something.

That sounds great. She stands.

I bite my lip as she puts a hand on my shoulder. Youre sure youre okay, Mom?

Yes. Dont stay in bed all day, okay?

Okay.

As I listen to her retreating footsteps, I take slow, deep breaths and as soon as I shut the door I pick up the closest thing to me and throw it across the room.

I cringe as the gla.s.s in the picture frame shatters all over the floor and I stand there, breathing hard until I realize what Ive done. I take a few careful steps, hoping I dont step on any gla.s.s, and stare down at the now crinkled and bent picture on the floor. The broken frame lies on the picture and covers Moms face. All I see are Dad, Gavin, and myself staring back at me.

It may as well be my soon-to-be future.

Without Mom.

CHAPTER 24.

Determined to do something besides think about Mom, I decide to fix my bike. I clean up the gla.s.s mess in my room, get ready for the day, and go shopping. After a quick stop at the bike shop, the second-hand store, and about a hundred bucks later, I have a new rear derailleur. But unfortunately no new wheels.

My music blasts in the garage as I work on my Gary Fisher, and I dont even notice the huge truck pull into my driveway until Coles tapping me on the shoulder.

I about jump out of my skin. Holy"