Switching Gears Part 30

I lift my hand, frowning at the IV in it. I follow the little tube until it reaches the bag of fluid on a pole next to the bed.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Ive never been a fan of needles, and now ones taped to my hand. But honestly, thats the least of my problems.

I take a moment to access my injuries. My chest kills every time I breathe, but its nothing like the pain in the ambulance. Im guessing they blew my lung back up, but it still feels like its on fire. My head hurts. I reach my hand up and feel a bandage near my temple. St.i.tches again, Im guessing.

A monitor beeps next to me. I want to move. Change positions. Anything. But as I try to s.h.i.+ft and get in a more comfortable position, I remember my legs. They tingle. Like theyre asleep and trying to wake up.

I try to wiggle my toes, but fail. My foot. Nothing.

No. Please. I cant be paralyzed.

Nothing but tingling.

My eyes water, and I put a hand to my mouth to try to stop the sob that escapes anyway.

Someones foot hits the floor, and as my eyes adjust to the dark, I see Dads outline as he comes to my side. He doesnt say a word, just wraps his arms around me and holds me while more sobs wrack my body. The pain from his embrace is easy to ignore.

I cant get a hold of myself.

I dont know how long Dad sits with me. Long enough to soak his s.h.i.+rt and clog my sinuses. He hands me a tissue, and I wipe my eyes and nose. Are you okay?

I shake my head as best as I can. No. Im not okay. Cant you see Im never going to be okay again?

Were gonna get through this, okay, Bug? Youre going to be fine. I promise.

I close my eyes. He shouldnt make promises he cant keep. I cant be positive right now. My whole life has been torn to pieces because of a stupid bike race. If I hadnt won, I wouldnt be here now. Id be sulking in my bedroom. Letting Cole kiss me to cheer me up. Id be okay.

Wheres Mom? My voice is hoa.r.s.e, and I clear my throat.

Shes home. Sh.e.l.l be here in the morning when you go in for your surgery.

Surgery?

Honey, you have a collapsed lung and a spinal cord injury. Theyre not sure how serious yet, since the swelling is bad and they cant tell everything, but He trails off and clears his throat before continuing. Theyre going to try and fix it, but these injuries take time to heal.

I already know its bad, Dad. I cant move my legs. Tingling. Just tingling.

He sighs and the pain I see on his face makes me want to cry all over again. I know.

Will I walk again?

They dont know. Like I said. These injuries take time to heal. I dont think He trails off. Maybe you should get some sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow.

I want to know. Tell me.

Are you sure?

I ignore the question. What will the surgery do?

I dont know all the details, besides fixing your lung, of course. Once the surgery is over, and youve recovered well enough, well start physical therapy.

So I could walk again? Maybe?

He squeezes my hand. Maybe. Sometimes your spinal cord is in shock after you get in an accident like this. If the swelling goes down quickly, they can tell a bit more about how damaged it may be. But it may not be broken at all. Things might be okay. It could go either way, honestly.

I squeeze my eyes shut and tears slide down my cheeks. I never should have started mountain biking. None of this would have happened.

Honey. You love biking. Accidents happen. And it wasnt even biking that did this to you. The driver who hit you ran a stop sign. It wasnt your fault or Gavins at all.

Gavin. Where is he?

He hesitates. Hes having a hard time. Mom went home with him. Im sure h.e.l.l be right back here tomorrow.

Is he okay?

He nods. A few st.i.tches, but nothing major.

Cole and Kelsie?

Kelsie has a broken collar bone and Cole has some b.u.mps and bruises, but otherwise, theyre fine. Its a miracle you werent killed.

Im glad theyre okay.

A miracle I wasnt killed. But what about my legs? They werent saved. Why did it have to happen to me?

I regret my thoughts as soon as I think them. I wouldnt wish this on anyone else.

My mind wanders to all the things I wont be able to do anymore.

Walking.

Running.

Biking.

I bite my lip to keep from crying again.

Its okay, Bug. You can cry. Its okay to cry.

I know, I squeak.

Bad things happen sometimes. We dont know why, but they do. I know youll pull through this, and youll be okay. Youre strong.

Im not.

You are.

I stare at the ceiling and dont say anything else. Dad pats my hand and gives it a kiss. Ill let you get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow. He moves away, and I hear him get comfortable on the couch again.

Im sorry, Daddy.

Dont you dare be sorry. You didnt do anything wrong.

I know that, but it still hurts. The tears start again and they last until morning.

CHAPTER 36.

The anesthesia wears off again, and I blink a few times to get the blurriness out of my vision.

You okay, honey?

Mom. Shes here, just like Dad said she would be. I glance over as she grabs my hand. She smiles, and tears once again fill my eyes. Mom. Youre here.

Of course Im here.

I thought Id never get to talk to you again.

She squeezes my hand tight. And I thought Id lost you.

I give her half a smile. I dont know what to say. How to act. I almost died in a horrible crash, yet here she sits. Shes looking at me like she always has. With love. She knows me. She loves me. She remembers me still.

At that moment, I realize how stupid Ive been. Selfish, even. Putting my own needs before hers. Even if Im still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she has an incurable disease, shes still here. Shes still my Mom. And Im going to live every day like its the last thing sh.e.l.l remember. Because thats all Ill have when shes gone. Memories.

I stare at our hands and take a deep breath. I have so much to apologize for. Im so sorry, Mom. Im sorry for everything. I was just so scared. I dont want you to be sick. I dont want you to to forget me. I choke on the last word, and the tears fall freely.

She brushes my hair out of my face. Im scared too, Emmy. You have no idea how bad. She wipes a few of her own tears away and hands me a tissue. But we just keep going. Keep moving and well be okay. Both of us.

I know.

I want you to know that my mind isnt gone yet. I have little memory lapses, forget stupid things, but my memories are still there. My brain still works. I know who everyone is, I remember things back when you were a baby. She leans forward, her dark eyes bright. Im not going to forget you. I promise.

Dont make promises you cant keep. We both know she wont remember me as the years go by, and I guess I dont have to worry about that for a while. But still. The thought of that day coming fills me with dread.

She frowns, but the tenderness of her expression lets me know how much she means what she says. I wont forget you. As long as you help me remember, theres no way I could.

Ill try my hardest.

Just dont ever avoid me again, okay? Ive missed you more than youll ever know.

Ive missed you, too. I squeeze her hand again. I love you, Mom.

Love you, too. She leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. You just get better, okay? Then well talk more. I have a lot to tell you about the medications Im taking, which are helping so far. And I really want you to come to a doctors appointment with me. So you can ask questions. Okay?

Okay. And Im serious.

And dont forget our girls nights. No blowing me off ever again.

Never again.

She smiles. Well have to do something extra special when you get out of the hospital.

Deal.

She stands and heads toward the door. Gavins been waiting to see you. Im going to send him in, okay?

Okay.

Shes gone for a second, and the door opens. Gavin walks in, a b.u.t.terfly Band-Aid above his left eye. He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me. His eyes are red and swollen, and I have to think really hard to remember the last time I saw him cry. Besides last night.

Gavin, I say and reach my hand toward him.

He doesnt take my hand, just puts his head in his own hands and starts to sob. Im so sorry, Emmy. So, so sorry.

Gavin, please. Its not your fault.

He wipes at his eyes. I should have been paying attention. I should have"

Someone else ran the stop sign, Gav. It wasnt your fault.

Still. I was driving. And now look at you. Your legs I try to be brave, even though Im having a hard time convincing myself of it. Im going to be fine.

Im sorry, Emmy, he says again. He leans forward, grabs my hand, and puts his forehead on my bed. I place my free hand in his hair, and he sobs until he doesnt have any tears left.

CHAPTER 37.

When youre in the hospital, the days blur together. Theyre long and boring and, to be honest, the hospital food sucks.

Can you feel this?

I glance at the doctor at the end of my bed. Hes putting hot and cold packs on my legs. Warm.

He nods and smiles. Great. This? He set the pack on my s.h.i.+n, and I feel the cold seep through my skin.

Cold.