Switching Gears Part 5

The worst possible things go through my mind. Cancer. Heart failure. Lung disease. Stroke. By the way Dads looking at us, its bad. But nothing prepares me for what he says.

He hesitates only a second before speaking again. Mom has been diagnosed with early Alzheimers Disease.

Its quiet. Dead silent. No one moves, no one speaks. I cant even think, let alone say something, and it takes me a few minutes to do just that.

Dad keeps talking, but I cant understand anything hes saying.

I open my mouth and close it and he stops talking and looks over at me.

Emmy? Are you okay?

Alzheimers? But shes so young! That cant be possible. Alzheimers is for old people. Like my grandparents. And they dont even have it. How could Mom have it? Its not possible. I dont believe it.

He smiles. I know. It is uncommon for someone her age, but not unheard of.

I look down at Gavin. His eyes are open and he sits up, but doesnt say a word. Just stares at the floor. For some reason I want to punch him. Make him do the talking instead of me, since every time I try to say something, emotion threatens to tear me open and let me bleed all over the floor.

Dads watching me, concern etching his features. We have some medication were going to start, so that can alleviate some of the symptoms, but we do have to be careful. Shes been in the early stage for a while now, but some of her symptoms are progressing into the middle stage, or moderate Alzheimers. Shes had some trouble remembering things, forgets where she is sometimes we need to work as a family to protect her and make sure shes safe at all times.

I glance at Mom as a tear slides down her cheek and know Im about to lose it.

She gives us both a shaky smile, all the while wringing her hands in her lap. Something Id never seen her do before. She was never twitchy or nervous like that. Im going to be fine, you guys. They said the full effects of the disease may take a long time. Years and years. Dont worry, okay? Im okay. If I do something out of the ordinary, talk to me. Bring me back. I know who you are and I wont forget you. She looks at me then, like shes talking to only me.

You didnt tell us, I whisper. Im hurt. Betrayed. My parents knew about this for months and never said anything? How could they do that?

Honey, she says. I didnt want you to worry. I still dont. Im still your mom. I love you both too much to"

You kept this from us for six months? I cant believe it. I thought we were a close family. We dont keep secrets like that. Why would they start now? What happened to break our family trust? Did I do something wrong? Did Gavin?

She sits up straighter and focuses on me. We wanted it to be the right time when we told you. But theres not really a right time for something like this. She twists her hands in her lap, over and over and over.

I stare at them. I want to reach out and grab them, hold them still. You could have told us right when you found out. Im shaking. Im not sure what Im supposed to think. I dont know what to say to them. I cant even look at them. Especially Mom. All I know is that I need to get out of here. Now.

I need to get some air. I stand and almost trip over Gavins legs. I gather my bearings and walk past my parents, even as Dad protests. I run to the back door. I fling it open and hear it slam behind me as I run down the back porch steps and into the yard. Im not sure where to go, so I run to the edge of the yard, sit down in the gra.s.s, and stare at nothing, breathing hard.

My bodys still shaking. Im fuming. Confused. Hurt. All my emotions are strung up in a knot in my chest and I can feel my heart breaking to pieces. I dont know how to stop it. I dont know what to do with it, so I sit there and shake.

The back door slams and someone heads across the gra.s.s toward me. Its Dad. I can tell by the way he walks. His right foot stepping harder than his left because of an old injury from his teen years. He hesitates only a second before he kneels down next to me and doesnt say a word. I feel his hand on my back and even though I try to fight it, try to ignore the fact that hes trying to comfort me, the tears come anyway. He puts his other hand on my arm and tugs. I only resist a moment before he pulls me into his chest and I sob like a little baby.

Its okay, Bug. He strokes my hair and hugs me tighter. Its going to be okay.

I dont answer. All I can do is continue to sob until I manage to get control of myself again. How do you know? How do you know its going to be okay?

I just do.

I pull away and look into his eyes. Dad has always been so strong. So wise. A perfect example of what a father should be. But in those eyes, I see doubt. I see the pain hiding underneath the surface. The reality of Mom losing her mind in the literal sense is hurting him, too.

Shes going to change. She wont be herself anymore. My mom. Shes going to forget us. Forget me. The one person I can always count on for advice about anything. Shes slipping away and I had no idea. I wonder how much shes already forgotten these first six months shes had this stupid disease. I admit I dont know a lot about it, but what I do know makes me shudder. People dont remember their own family members. Their spouses. Kids. No one. Sometimes not even their own names. I dont even realize Im shaking my head until Dad grabs my hand, drawing my concentration to him again. What am I going to do? What are you going to do? I cant stop talking now. Even though I wish Id just shut up. What are we going to do, Daddy?

His blue eyes swim with emotion and he squeezes my hand. Were going to support your mother and treat her like we did before we found out about this. Shes still here. Shes fine. She understands whats going on, so we need to be here for her every step of the way when things start changing.

Shes never going to be the same, is she?

Dad gets very serious and looks me straight in the eye. No matter what happens with your mother, sh.e.l.l always be the woman I fell in love with. He puts a hand on his heart. Always.

CHAPTER 5.

After talking to Dad, I retreat to the garage to work on one of my fixer-upper bikes. I need to clear my head. Do something instead of think and worry about Mom. The reality of it all is too much for me to handle right now. I cant accept it. Not yet. Maybe the doctor made a mistake.

First Lucas, now this? Why? Why is this happening to me?

I grab my hairspray bottle and spray a stream of it onto the bikes bare handlebar to attach the new grips I bought. I slide the right one on and then the left, making sure theyre where I want them. I wheel the bike to the backyard and let it sit in the sun for a while. Hopefully theyll be good and dry by the time I get back from my ride.

After the events of this morning, I have to go for a ride. I dont want to sit around and sulk the rest of the day, and Im kind of looking forward to getting away from my family for a while. Think about happy stuff. Avoid all thoughts of Lucas and especially Mom.

Right.

I run downstairs and change into my biking gear, taking extra caution to avoid Mom. I know sh.e.l.l want to talk, but Im not ready. Sh.e.l.l understand. I hope.

I sneak back upstairs, notice my stomach rumble, and grab an apple from the kitchen before I head back outside.

Im going for a ride, I yell, hoping someone heard me. If not, oh well. I already told Dad I was going riding earlier.

Thoughts from the mornings conversation come rus.h.i.+ng back in as I put my gear in Dads car, and my eyes water as I hook my bike up to my spare bike rack. The fact that my parents didnt tell me about Mom for six whole months makes me so mad. I dont understand why they kept it from me. Or Gavin. Id never keep something like that from them. There was a reason they did, Im sure, but even if they tell me that reason it wont take away the hurt.

Were family. Why keep life-changing things from family? Were supposed to be there for each other to help get through things. Obviously my parents feel differently.

My hands hurt from working on my bike, but I shake it off and get in the car anyway. I try to tell myself to enjoy the mountain and not worry about anything else. Block out the c.r.a.p life throws at me and Ill be happier. Pretend everythings fine, even when its not.

My new motto.

Think about something else. Think about something else.

Cole pops into my head. Which isnt ideal, but better than the former. I do need to strategize, so I tell myself to make a plan. What would he do? Hes the master biker. And hes offered to help, but I wont swallow my pride and ask him for help. Yet.

So, if Im going to beat Whitney in our race and then in the Back Country race, the first thing I need to do is get rid of my distractions and focus. Im going to need every bit of strength I have.

Dont think about Mom. Dont worry about Dad. Lucas is gone, so he shouldnt be a distraction still. Yet, he is. But not anymore. Ill forget about him, too. Block him out.

Distractions gone.

I dial Kelsies number since I dont really want to be alone. Shes probably in her pajamas still, but shes always up for a bike ride. I debate on telling her about my family and decide against it. I need some time to deal.

h.e.l.lo? she answers with a yawn.

You awake?

Kind of.

Well, Im coming to get you. Were going biking.

Now? Do you know what time it is?

Yes. And I promise well go slow, since your knee is hurt and all.

She sighs. Do you really need me to go? Im still in bed.

I hesitate and cant believe Im going to verbalize my next thought. Ill owe you a shopping trip. Any time you want to go. And I wont even complain.

I hear her gasp. I never offer to go shopping with her. I loathe shopping. And she knows it. Ill be ready in five. She hangs up and I smile.

Two minutes later, Im sitting in her driveway. She looks like shes saying a few choice words as she makes her way to the car. I get out and help her put her bike on the rack and we both get back inside and head for the trail.

Youre up bright and early, she says, sipping on a green smoothie. Her light hair is in a really messy bun and it looks like shes wearing the tank she slept in.

I know. My fingers curl around the steering wheel and I focus my thoughts on the road.

You okay? Usually you give me a heads up the night before if you want to go for a ride. Is it a code red or code blue?

I smile. Red for broken heart or boy problems, and blue for family problems. Blue.

Ah. She nods and sips her smoothie. Bad?

Bad enough.

Want to dish yet?

Not yet.

Fair enough.

The dirt parking lot is full of cars already, but I find a place to park. The only bad thing about the summer is how busy the trails are. Especially in the morning. The morning is the perfect time of day to ride. Not too cold, not too hot. But since everyone knows that, it can get crowded. I glance around at the cars again. Well have to do a quick ride today, which is fine. I told Dad as much.

After we get our bikes ready, we head up the trail.

This particular trail is narrow most of the way through. Some of the trees even hang so low that we have to duck as we ride under them. And when theres someone coming the opposite way were riding, we have to be really careful when we pa.s.s each other. You dont want someone falling off the side of the trail and rolling down the mountain.

Ive seen it happen before and it wasnt pretty.

There are always more walkers on Sundays. Not sure why. Couples, groups, a few walking alone. The ones walking alone I like to stay away from because theyre usually with dogs.

Im not a big fan of dogs, especially in the mountains. They like to chase things. And those things are usually bikes. Im typically okay with them, except for the people who walk their dogs without leashes. Ive gotten chased, growled at, snapped at, and almost bitten more times than I can count, and usually the owners just smile and laugh as they apologize.

I dont think its very funny, but whatever.

We ride for a while, enjoying the quiet, not pus.h.i.+ng ourselves too hard, until we reach my spot.

Ive been stopping at my spot since I started riding two years ago.

Its a giant, gray boulder that we have to jump to pull ourselves up onto. The view is amazing from here. You can see everywhere in the Ogden Valley below. A bunch of trees stretch out for about a mile, which then turns into houses peppered all across the valley, with roads in perfect squares as far as the eye can see. The roads let up around the Great Salt Lake if you look to the left of the valley, with Antelope Island looming in the distance. My favorite time of day to be at this spot is when the sun sets and it touches the water, but I dont come up too often around sundown.

I pull out my phone and take a picture. Can you imagine what this would look like around Christmastime? I wish I could afford a snow bike. Id ride up here all the time.

Dont doubt it. Kelsie yawns and wipes some dirt off her shoe. Even after having only five minutes to get ready, she looks gorgeous as usual. Her hair may be a little windblown and messy, but her blue eyes are bright and her face doesnt show a trace of sleepiness. Me on the other hand I bet wed be able to see my house from here. Blinking like crazy with a zillion lights, Kelsie says.

I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. Your dad is so awesome putting that display together every year.

Its awesome, yes, but sometimes its annoying. Especially when the lights keep flas.h.i.+ng through my window every night. Makes it hard to sleep.

Whatever. When I slept over last year in December, you were out in like two seconds.

She shrugs. I guess I got used to it. She stomps her foot against the rock were sitting on and mud flies everywhere. Stupid mud.

I told you to watch out for that puddle, didnt I?

Yeah. She frowns. So, a code blue, huh?

I shrug, wanting to tell her the truth, but not wanting to at the same time. Im not ready yet. So, I take the easy way out and think of something else to tell her. Still the truth, just from another day.

Yeah. Its nothing. You know how my parents get after me about me going biking all the time. It was one of those arguments. I force a smile as the lie rolls off my tongue.

Sorry.

And I think Im just nervous for my race against Whitney.

Dont worry. Youll kick her b.u.t.t.

Ha!

You can do it. Youre just as good as she is.

Come on, Kelsie. You know I have no chance. Shes beat me every single time weve raced. And dont tell anyone I said that. Ever. Its not something Im happy to admit.

She laughs. Oh, I know.

Even though Id like to say Im better, I know Im not. Ive heard she has sponsors looking at her. Real sponsors. Id kill for something like that. I shouldnt have challenged her. What was I thinking?

She deserved to be challenged. And the only reason she has sponsors looking at her is because her parents are rich. Or maybe Cole has something to do with it. They seem to stick together, those two.

I know. Theyre both rich, but theyre both good. Its annoying. I frown and flick a little rock into the trees below us. Have you seen Whitney climb? Shes awesome. I get so tired going uphill.

Yeah, but you kill it on the downhill. She laughs. When there arent huge rocks, I mean.