Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 14

Ryan was football, wakeboarding, s...o...b..arding, hiking. He was like the sky and mountains and energy. He loved That '70s Show, with Kelso as his favorite character. He wanted to teach high school history and coach the same sports that he loved.

Every day that he came, she knew it was unfair not to send him away.

"I don't want you to come back here," she finally said.

He acted as if he didn't hear her. They were watching movies on his laptop. At the end of a romantic comedy, she realized once again that the two of them just wouldn't work. She didn't want him with her out of pity or guilt, though sometimes when he was there and the hours pa.s.sed so quickly, she desperately wanted him to stay no matter the reason.

This will not work, she told herself. I knew it before, and I know it now.

But the next afternoon, he walked into the room with his backpack of fun stuff.

"Els, you have to see this new movie. It's French with subt.i.tles. Remember how you always wanted me to get more culture in my life? Well, since your accident, I've watched Chocolat, Moulin Rouge, Amelie, Across the Universe, and Sweeney Todd-wow, that was b.l.o.o.d.y. Moulin Rouge was awesome. Just don't tell the guys, or I'll deny it."

"We need to talk," she said. If she did it quickly, it'd be easier.

"I'm a little worried you won't be able to read the subt.i.tles on my laptop. Last night when I was practicing to see if I could read it aloud to you, well . . . let's just say it wasn't pretty."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm here to be your entertainment. Wanna see a magic trick?"

"No, I mean today is Monday. You should still be in basketball practice."

"We had a day off."

"They never give days off."

"Yeah, crazy, huh? Coach was sick."

Ellie didn't say more. The pain in her hip, shoulder, and neck had been nearly unbearable again. The doctor was weaning her to a lower dose of painkiller, which was easy for him and awful for her. The pain aggravated her nerves, making her easily irritated with anyone who came into her room. But she also knew the void left in the hospital room when her visitors said good-bye to her with their promises to return. Ellie wished to tell every one of them to go away and never come back-it was harder to have them leave than to never have them come at all.

Ellie closed her eyes against the pain. Ryan was setting up the computer on the bed tray. She groaned, and he jumped back.

"Are you okay?"

"I need the nurse," she muttered, and Ryan was quickly out the door.

He came racing back into the room. "She'll be here soon. Should I call someone else? What can I do?"

There was panic in his voice, and she closed her eyes again, squeezing them shut and trying to escape. Pain wrapped around her till she thought she couldn't survive it.

She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes, it was nighttime and Ryan was gone. She was too worn out to care.

"Ryan quit the basketball team," Megan said when she came by after school the next day. She set her books down on the table.

"He what? He can't." Ellie tried to sit up. Seeing Megan's books reminded her that she was getting further and further behind.

"He did."

"That's his only chance of getting a scholars.h.i.+p."

"He doesn't care. He might take a year off and work at his uncle's auto body shop."

"Why would he do that?"

"He wants to be near you."

Ellie sighed. The time had come. "When he gets here, I better talk to him alone."

Chapter 12.

THE OUTSIDER.

The Anonymous Blog about Life at West Redding High February 2

Back by no demand whatsoever, except my own.

I'm probably writing into the air, which would be good since I'm about to insult you. Yes, YOU.

This blog began to provide the view from one senior's life who wasn't popular, a jock, or an academic. So yes, it was often a place of criticism and a bit of ridicule toward certain students. And it was fun. No one was permanently injured. However, I missed taking a hard look at the out crowd itself, which was wrong and prejudiced. I'm all about bipartisan criticism. And so I've been looking. The stoners, goths, emos, punks, gang-bangers, nerds, and whatever other groups there are out there, I just have to say-you're all stupid. I've discovered of late that people are stupid. The in crowd and the out crowd, all of you.

Not just stupid, but idiots! Myself included.

Ryan tried his usual diversion from serious conversation. Ellie reached for his hand, wis.h.i.+ng for more strength to squeeze it harder, to make him understand that she meant it this time.

"This is a waste of time," she said. "Listen to me, please."

"Whose time? Not mine, I've got all the time in the world."

"You need to get back on the basketball team."

He sat in the chair beside her and leaned back with his hands behind his head. "Too late. I burned that bridge," he said, then cringed. "I mean, uh, I closed that door."

"It's okay to use the word burn in front of me."

"Yeah, I know. It's just that it sounded strange when I said it. But it's too late for basketball. I don't even like the sport that much."

"You love every sport."

"Not lately."

"Why not?"

He looked at her, then away. "It just feels meaningless or something. And I want to see you more."

She nearly laughed-or was it that she nearly wanted to cry, for both of them? "You can't even look at me."

He leaned forward, grabbing her hand. "What are you talking about?"

"You can't even stand to look at my face for more than half a second."

He shook his head over and over again. "No, it's not like that. It's not like that at all."

She had to end it. It was better for him, and it was better for her. She felt such turmoil over his coming, such guilt over wanting him here. A swift, clean break would be best. It would hurt both of them, but it needed to happen. Ryan would never end their relations.h.i.+p, no matter how bad it got for him. How did a guy break up with his disfigured girlfriend?

"I'm breaking up with you," she said.

"Do you know why it's hard for me to look at you?"

"I don't want you to come back here."

"It's not because of how you look."

"This will be better for you. And it'll be better for me."

"Better? How?"

Ellie closed her eyes. She hated how she was lying in a bed like a wimpy, pathetic weakling. Wasn't it obvious that he'd be better, that she was letting him off the hook?

"I can't look at you because this is my fault."

"No, it's not. So if guilt is keeping you here, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. We had that fight. I hurt you. We could go around and say that you shouldn't have been drinking that night, and I shouldn't have left with Stasia. We could say so many things. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't do this to me."

"But I should never have . . ." And Ryan broke down, his head on the edge of her bed just like when she was in the burn unit.

"It's not your fault. It isn't."

"I need you, Els."

She shook her head. "I'm the last person you need."

He stood up then, turning away from her and wiping his face with his arm. She knew this might be the last time in a long time that she saw him. Impulsively, she wanted to take everything back and to hold on to these moments with him forever.

"I wish this had happened to me instead of you," he said. "I'd do anything to take this away from you."

Ellie didn't know what to say to that at first. "Ryan. I think we hold each other back from what we're supposed to do."

A light turned on in his eyes. The realization that she didn't want him. That he was being rejected, and all the rejection she'd given him finally hit home.

Ryan carefully touched her chin, and she saw a tear stream down his strong, masculine face.

"I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved another person. I was myself with you. But you didn't take me seriously. Everyone thinks I'm just some jock, the stereotypical guy. And I played the part; there's no getting around that. Until I was with you.

"But you never let yourself really see me, or believe in me. Maybe you're too afraid to see how much I love you and to believe in it. You wanted to break up with me that night, I knew that. And I can't keep forcing you to be with me. But I'll always love you, Els. Always."

He let go of her chin, packed up, and walked out without another word.

Megan could see that her sister wanted out of the hospital. Needed was perhaps the more accurate word. She'd overstayed her visit. And it had become less like a place of healing and more like a prison with the confined room, bland food, visitations, and daily torture treatments.

"Who's the hot doc?" Megan asked as she pushed Ellie's wheelchair down the hallway from PT back to her room. It annoyed Megan that Ellie had to ride like an invalid, though her sister probably couldn't walk far with her leg in pain.

Ellie shrugged. "I don't know. I don't want to know."

Megan hated having to cheer people up. She didn't do it well. "So what, you're finished with guys?" She'd seen Ryan at school earlier in the day. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten in a week.

"Guys are the farthest thing from my mind," Ellie said. "I caught up with 'The Outsider' earlier today."

"Oh, it's back on?" Megan said as they wheeled into the elevator.

"Yeah, big surprise," Ellie said. "I'm glad you decided to keep writing it."

The elevator doors closed, and Megan stared at her sister. "You think I'm the writer of 'The Outsider'?"

"You need to push number 2," Ellie said with a slight smile.

Megan pushed the b.u.t.ton.

Megan realized her sister wasn't just inquiring; she was convinced. What was the use of denying it? "How did you know? When did you know?"

"Um, back in September when you mentioned all the people you hated. And you called me a perky zealot." Ellie closed her eyes for a moment, which meant she was struggling with pain. The PT sessions usually aggravated something.

"You've known that long?"

Ellie nodded. "Even though you can't stand me, I am your sister."

"That's true," Megan said, and the doors opened to their floor. They pa.s.sed an old man in his hospital gown, walking down the hall with his IV cart.