Chocoholics: Love And Lists Part 10

"Come on, baby. Mama wants you to take it like a good boy," she coos.

"What?! No! That's okay. I don't need Mama to give me anything. Seriously, stop saying that!" Tyler says in a rush.

"Gavin, you should go and give us some time alone."

"NO! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME!" Tyler shouts, reaching his hands out to me.

Moving out of his reach, I walk toward the door with a laugh as my mom wraps both of her arms around Tyler and squeezes him tight. "Sorry, dude. This is something I definitely don't want to see."

As I open the door and step out onto the front porch, I've forgotten all about my disastrous evening with Charlotte, thanks to my mom. Maybe it's time to sc.r.a.p the list and just tell her how I feel.

I look back over my shoulder as the door closes behind me, and it's like something out of a horror movie. Tyler is screaming and flailing his arms all around and my mom reaches around from behind him, smacks her hand over his mouth, and pulls him back away from the door right before it closes.

"It was a disaster, Rocco. A total disaster," I complain with a sigh.

"I'm confused. How was it a disaster when you touched his p.e.n.i.s?"

I glare at Rocco and signal the bartender for a refill of my Moscato. This is going to take a lot of booze.

"I think I'm going to need you to start at the beginning because I really don't understand what the problem is. You've been following the list we made and things are moving along quite well, if I do say so myself," Rocco replies, giving himself a pat on the back.

I've done something stupid. Something really, really stupid and now that it's done, I can't take it back. And no, I'm not talking about shoving my hand down Gavin's pants last night. That wasn't stupid, that was genius. Contrary to popular belief, I've never touched a p.e.n.i.s before. Wait, that sounds bad. That sounds like everyone thinks I go around touching p.e.n.i.ses. No one thinks I'm a s.l.u.t. At least I hope they don't. But I'm pretty sure they think I gave up the goods to some idiot in high school that was in Gavin's band. Let me set the record straight hereI didn't. I just kind of sort of made people think that. And by people, I mean Gavin. I know, I know. I should be hanging my head in shame, but what the f.u.c.k was I supposed to do? Nothing else was working. I tried going out with a few guys, I tried kissing a few guys ... nothing got a reaction out of him. And telling a teensy, tiny, little white lie about losing my virginity only made him go straight into the arms of that wh.o.r.e, Sh.e.l.ly Collins. He took her to prom! It should have been me, G.o.d dammit!

s.h.i.+t, I'm getting off track here. I should probably do what Rocco says and start at the beginning. But the beginning was a really long time ago. I don't even remember when I actually fell in love with Gavin. It feels like forever. The problem is that we grew up together and our parents are best friends. Our families have always done everything together, and I'm like a little sister to him. I'm sure he still looks at me and sees a girl in pigtails that used to suck her thumb. That is NOT a turn-on. Wait, actually I think it is. I'm pretty sure they have p.o.r.n for that. And if I'm not mistaken, Rocco even put it on our list that I should dress up as a schoolgirl for Gavin. f.u.c.k. I probably should have started with that instead of the easy stuff like making him jealous and forcing him to look at my cleavage.

So, let's go back to the middle instead of the beginning. I met Rocco a few months ago at a sorority mixer, and he very quickly became one of my best friends. Obviously, he didn't understand why I turned down every single guy who asked me out, so I had to come clean with him. I had to tell him that I've been in love with my best friend practically since birth. One night over Pink Poodle martinis, Rocco started to make a list on a sc.r.a.p of paper from my purse of things I could do to get Gavin to notice me. One thing turned into twelve, and now here I am with a fake gay boyfriend, a few drunken kisses, and one sloppy hand job.

Gavin probably thinks I'm a drunken idiot. I've kissed him twice now after copious amounts of alcohol, and last night, I took the bull by the horns. Or the p.e.n.i.s by the base.

"Rocco, I can't rehash what happened last night. It's too mortifying."

Rocco puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, giving me a squeeze. "I know, sweetie. But I haven't gotten laid in months, and I need to live vicariously through you. Tell me everything."

The bartender sets down another gla.s.s of wine in front of me, and I grab it, taking a huge gulp before beginning.

"So, you know that I went to Gavin's place last night so he could get his mind off of his dad being in the hospital. And of course, since I had a few beers, I had the courage to actually ask him about that kiss last week," I start. "As soon as I asked him, he got up from the couch and said he had to do something really important for work."

"Let me stop you right there. What was Gavin wearing?" Rocco asks.

I scowl at him and smack his arm. "Cut it out. It's bad enough that you drool over him every time you see him. What he was wearing doesn't matter."

To be honest, though, I really can't blame Rocco for drooling over Gavin. He is definitely drool-worthy. Gavin is six feet tall and the hottest guy I've ever seen. I don't even know when it happened-when he turned from annoying little boy to hot as f.u.c.k. It's almost like he went to sleep one night as a little kid and woke up a man-a man with a great body and a gorgeous face with a dimple in each cheek that is to die for. He has short brown hair, chocolate brown eyes, and sometimes if I'm lucky, day old stubble that I want to lick.

Rocco shakes his head sadly at me. "It ALWAYS matters, Charlotte. I need to get the visual correct if I'm going to help you. Was his T-s.h.i.+rt molded to his well-defined chest? Did his jeans hug his scrumptious a.s.s? Was he wearing that cologne that smells like a crisp fall day?"

Rubbing my fingers against my temples and closing my eyes, I ignore Rocco's stupid questions. Why the h.e.l.l did I think it would be a good idea to enlist my gay friend to help me out with this?

"If you want me to tell you what happened, shut up. This is serious. I touched a p.e.n.i.s for f.u.c.k's sake! I touched GAVIN'S p.e.n.i.s! In all of our talks about this stupid list, we never discussed the specifics. Like how to give a proper hand job. It was probably the worst thing he's ever experienced. How am I ever going to face him again?" I whine.

"Stop being so dramatic. It couldn't have been that bad. If you touch the p.e.n.i.s, the p.e.n.i.s will be happy. I did have one guy, though, who would only touch my p.e.n.i.s with his thumb and forefinger. Like he was trying to milk a cow. I'm not saying I have a ginormous p.e.n.i.s or anything, but it's definitely bigger than a cow's teat. Tell me you didn't milk his p.e.n.i.s," Rocco begs.

"It probably would have gone better if I had. He actually said 'ouch' and 'be careful.' I think I pulled too hard."

"What the f.u.c.k were you doing with his d.i.c.k? You know those things need to stay attached, right?" Rocco questions me in horror.

"SHUT UP! I told you, I have no f.u.c.king experience with this s.h.i.+t. I just reached in and started yanking on it."

"I think my b.a.l.l.s just ran away in fear. Oh look, there they go, right out the front door. GOOD-BYE, BOYS!" Rocco shouts with a wave to the door of the bar.

"I hate you. I really hate you," I complain.

Rocco laughs and pats me on the back. "No you don't. You love me. You're just so cute when you get mad. I promise, no more comments about your inadequate d.i.c.k handling. Carry on."

I down the rest of my gla.s.s of wine and take a deep breath, determined to get through this horrific story quickly so I never have to speak of it ever again.

Getting up from the couch, I walked into the kitchen to see what was taking Gavin so long. I heard whispering coming from the other side of the fridge, so I headed in that direction. I really should have stopped after three beers. Alcohol gave me liquid courage, but I maybe had a bit too much at that point. All I could think about was ripping Gavin's clothes off of him.

I heard Gavin say b.a.l.l.s and figured he was on the phone with work. Is it weird that I'm strangely turned on every time Gavin talks about what he does for a living?

Walking around the edge of the fridge, Gavin looked up at me in surprise with his phone still pressed against his ear. He didn't say a word as I moved in closer to him, but I saw his eyes flash back and forth between my b.o.o.bs and my face. Sweet! Maybe the list Rocco made was actually working. Showing more cleavage was a great idea after all. Wait. What if he wasn't looking at my b.o.o.bs? What if he was looking at a mole I have on my chest? Did I have a mole on my chest? Son of a b.i.t.c.h, what if it was a hairy mole and he was so overcome with disgust that all he could think about was this f.u.c.king mole?! Or it could be food. Oh holy Jesus, what if I had a piece of leftover pizza stuck to my chest? I could play it off, tell him I put a slice of pepperoni there so he could lick it off.

I decided to do the most logical thing and just pretended like I didn't have a hairy piece of mole pepperoni sticking to my t.i.ts.

Gavin slowly lowered the phone from his ear and continued to stare at me without saying a word.

"Are you done with work stuff?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"We kissed the other night."

Might as well divert his attention from my pizza b.o.o.bs.

He nodded again.

f.u.c.k! Why won't he just say something! At this point, I might actually prefer it if he points and says, "HOLY MOLEY!"

I tried again. "What were you feeling when we kissed?"

I leaned in closer, hoping to distract him by my proximity. It didn't work. He looked away from my face and right down the front of my s.h.i.+rt.

"I HAVE NUTS!" he shouted suddenly.

Glancing down, I realized he was unzipping his pants. Well, this escalated quickly. I guess we can ignore the talk and just go right for the good stuff. I wrapped my hand around the back of his head and pulled his face to mine, slamming my lips against his.

I took my other hand and quickly tried to shove it down the front of his pants, but with my eyes closed, I misjudged where I was going and punched him in the stomach.

"OOOF!" he blurts against my lips. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have unzipped my pants. I have no idea why I did that! Don't hit me again!" Gavin said in a rush.

s.h.i.+t! I don't want him to think I'm offended!

"I totally didn't mean to do that. I'm going to stick my hand down your pants now," I warned him.

"Oh my G.o.d," he mumbled as I cut him off with my lips and slid my hand inside his boxer briefs.

Oh f.u.c.k. I'm touching his p.e.n.i.s. My hand is on his p.e.n.i.s. I was so excited I didn't even realize how hard I was squeezing his p.e.n.i.s. And thinking about it just makes me squeeze it even harder.

"Ouch!" Gavin winced and pulled away from my mouth.

Instead of letting up, I jerked in surprise when he shouted, bringing his p.e.n.i.s with me. So basically, I was choking the life out of this thing and trying to detach it from his body. WHAT THE f.u.c.k AM I DOING?!

"It's okay. It's fine. Just be careful," Gavin said before pulling me back to him and kissing me.

Be careful. I can do this. Just pretend it's a cat. Nice kitty. Nice, soft kitty.

Gavin pulled away again and I growled in frustration. I wanted his lips on me and he kept moving them.

"You're petting my p.e.n.i.s," he stated.

Well, I WAS until you stopped me. QUIT IT!

"Stop talking," I told him.

I couldn't think when he talked. The sound of his voice made me feel all warm and gooey, and I wanted to do this right. I wanted him to feel good and maybe realize that by touching his p.e.n.i.s, I love him.

Picturing every p.o.r.n I've seen in my mind, except that weird one that Aunt Jenny showed me with people dressed up as Smurfs, I wrapped my hand around him and started moving it up and down slowly. Gavin groaned and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wall.

I realized that we were wedged between the fridge and the counter, and it wasn't the most ideal location to be doing this, but I didn't care. This is happening right the f.u.c.k now.

Leaning forward, I placed my lips on his neck and let my tongue taste his skin. He groaned again and I picked up the pace with my hand, moving it up and down his smooth shaft.

I wondered if that s.l.u.t Brooklyn really did all the things she said she did with him? I wanted to cut that wh.o.r.e for ever laying a finger on my Gavin. I didn't realize I was channeling my anger to Gavin's p.e.n.i.s until he whimpered in pain. Dammit. Focus, Charlotte! There are better ways to mark your territory than by dismembering the man you love. Securing my lips to his neck once again, I nibbled and bit his skin before sucking it into my mouth.

There, take that, you s.k.a.n.ky piece of tras.h.!.+ He's mine!

"Oh s.h.i.+t, Charlotte. Slow down," Gavin begged, wrapping one of his hands around my wrist and sliding the other into the edge of my jeans by my hip.

I ignored his warning and moved my hand harder and faster, up and down his length. He tried to hold my wrist tighter to get me to slow down, but I wasn't having any of that. His hips thrusted into my hand, and it was the hottest thing I ever felt.

I am NOT stopping.

"Charlotte ... Jesus ... .I'm gonna ... oh holy s.h.i.+t f.u.c.k ..."

I felt his fingers graze the skin of my hip, and I wanted more than anything for him to just dive right in like I did with him. I wanted him to touch me, but I was pretty sure he was beyond rational thought right now. His fingers tangled into the fabric of my thong resting on my hip, and he clutched it so tightly the fabric ripped.

He's going to come! I'm totally making him come! This is the best day ever!

"Okay, so aside from the fact that you pet his d.i.c.k like a cat, I don't see what the problem is," Rocco says when I pause with my story. "You might be surprised to know that I've had my d.i.c.k pulled by a few of the ladies back in the day. You're not the only one who has no idea how to use one of those things. At least you got the hang of it."

"Sure, I got into a nice rhythm and he finished pretty fast. That was awesome. But in p.o.r.n, they don't tell you what to do when it's all over. The scene just ends and there's no cleanup involved," I complain.

Rocco stares at me for a few minutes and then the light bulb comes on and his eyes widen.

"Oh dear G.o.d. What did you do with the j.i.z.z in your hand? Charlotte! What did you do with the j.i.z.z?!"

Biting my lip and squeezing my eyes closed so I don't have to see Rocco's face, I blurt it out quickly.

"I pulled my hand out of his pants and then sort of whipped my hand in his general direction to get it off. Then I just turned and walked out of his apartment."

Opening my eyes, I see Rocco with his hand over his mouth trying to contain his laughter.

"Oh no you didn't. Oh, Charlotte. You Spidermanned the one you love."

"Ava, are you home?" I shout into my parents' house as I walk through the front door.

Moving into the living room, I see a flash of naked, white a.s.s streaking down the hall to the guest bathroom and Ava rearranging her skirt on the couch. Not one piece of her long, dark brown hair is out of place, and she looks like she just stepped off the pages of a fas.h.i.+on magazine. Her make-up is flawless and her blue skirt and matching tank top are perfectly pressed. Not at all what someone should look like who was just doing what I KNOW she was doing.

"Oh my G.o.d. Ava! Were you having s.e.x on mom and dad's couch? That's disgusting. I sit on that couch," I complain.

She rolls her eyes. "f.u.c.k off, t.w.a.t. I laid a blanket down."

Glancing underneath her, I see the blanket in question.

"Son of a b.i.t.c.h! That's the comforter from my bed!" I yell with a stomp of my foot.

"Ooooh, the older sister. This is like a p.o.r.n dream come true. Can I be on the bottom?"

My head whips around to the door of the hallway and I see Tyler standing there b.u.t.toning his s.h.i.+rt.

"Oh my G.o.d. I'm going to have to burn that blanket now. And the couch."

Tyler finishes with his s.h.i.+rt and walks over to the couch, plopping down next to Ava and throwing his arm over her shoulder.

"Don't worry, Charlotte, I only got a little Tyler juice on your blanket. It's all good."

Ava shoves Tyler away from her and gets up from the couch. "I'm finished with you. You can leave now."

Tyler pouts and stares up at her. "Babe, that wounds me. I'm delicate after my run-in with Claire the other day. Be gentle."

Ava rolls her eyes and walks over to the door, opening it up and pointing outside. "Aunt Claire made you wash her kitchen floor with a toothbrush and mow the lawn with a pair of scissors. Go away or I'll make you gargle toilet water."

Tyler stands up and saunters over to her. "Ooooh, kinky. I like that. Until next time. Unless you gave me the clap. In that case, call first."

Tyler whistles as he walks out the door and Ava slams it shut behind him.

"I cannot believe you had s.e.x with that thing," I tell her as she comes back into the living room.

"You should be thanking me right now, you wh.o.r.e. I took one for the team to see if I could get any information on Gavin after you threw a web of spooge on his s.h.i.+rt," she complains.