Hogfather Part 22

AND YOU WILL OF COURSE BE GOOD FOR ANOTHER YEAR?.

The tiny remnant of basic n.o.bbyness wanted to say, "Er, how exactly do you define 'good,' mister? Like, suppose there was just some stuff that no one'd miss, say? Or, f'r instance, say a friend of mine was on patrol, sort of thing, and found a shopkeeper had left his door unlocked at night. I mean, anyone could walk in, right, but suppose this friend took one or two things, sort of like, you know, a gratuity gratuity, and then called the shopkeeper out and got him to lock up, that counts as 'good,' does it?"

Good and bad were, to n.o.bby's way of thinking, entirely relative terms. Most of his relatives, for example, were criminals. But, again, this invitation to philosophical debate was ambushed somewhere in his head by sheer dread of the big beard in the sky.

"'s," he squeaked.

NOW, I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE?.

n.o.bby gave up, and sat mute. Whatever was going to happen next was going to happen, and there was not a thing he could do about it...Right now, the light at the end of his mental tunnel showed only more tunnel.

AH, YES...

The Hogfather reached into his sack and pulled out an awkwardly shaped present wrapped in festive Hogswatch paper which, owing to some slight confusion on the current Hogfather's part, had merry ravens on it. Corporal n.o.bbs took it in nervous hands.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?.

"'nk you."

OFF YOU GO.

Corporal n.o.bbs slid down gratefully and barged his way through the crowds, stopping only when he was fielded by Constable Visit.

"What happened? What happened? I couldn't see!"

"I dunno," mumbled n.o.bby. "He gave me this this."

"What is it."

"I dunno..."

He clawed at the raven-bedecked paper.

"This is disgusting, this whole business," said Constable Visit. "It's the wors.h.i.+p of idols-"

"It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm double-action triple-cantilever crossbow with a polished walnut stock and engraved silver facings!"

"-a cra.s.s commercialization of a date which is purely of astronomical significance," said Visit, who seldom paid attention when he was in mid-denounce. "If it is to be celebrated at all, then-"

"I saw this in Bows and Ammo! Bows and Ammo! It got Editor's Choice in the 'What to Buy When Rich Uncle Sidney Dies' category! They had to break both the reviewer's arms to get him to let go of it It got Editor's Choice in the 'What to Buy When Rich Uncle Sidney Dies' category! They had to break both the reviewer's arms to get him to let go of it!"

"-ought to be commemorated in a small service of-"

"It must cost more'n a year's salary! They only make 'em to order! You have to wait ages!"

"-religious significance." It dawned on Constable Visit that something behind him was amiss.

"Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?" he said.

Corporal n.o.bbs looked blearily at him through the mists of possessive pride.

"You're foreign, Washpot," he said. "I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch."

The oh G.o.d blinked.

"Ah," he said. "That's better. Oh, yes yes. That's a lot better. Thank you."

The wizards, who shared the raven's belief in the essential narrative conventions of life, watched him cautiously.

"Any minute now," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes confidently, "it'll probably start with some kind of amusing yell-"

"You know," said the oh G.o.d, "I think I could just possibly eat a soft-boiled egg."

"-or maybe the ears spinning round-"

"And perhaps drink a gla.s.s of milk," said the oh G.o.d.

Ridcully looked nonplussed.

"You really feel better?" he said.

"Oh, yes," said the oh G.o.d. "I really think I could risk a smile without the top of my head falling off."

"No, no, no," said the Dean. "This can't be right. Everyone knows that a good hangover cure has got to involve a lot of humorous shouting, ekcetra."

"I could possibly tell you a joke," said the oh G.o.d carefully.

"You don't have this pressing urge to run outside and stick your head in a water b.u.t.t?" said Ridcully.

"Er...not really," said the oh G.o.d. "But I'd like some toast, if that helps."

The Dean took off his hat and pulled a thaumameter out of the point. "Something happened," he said. "There was a ma.s.sive thaumic surge." happened," he said. "There was a ma.s.sive thaumic surge."

"Didn't it even taste a bit...well, spicy?" said Ridcully.

"It didn't taste of anything, really," said the oh G.o.d.

"Oh, look, it's obvious," said Susan. "When the G.o.d of Wine drinks, Bilious here gets the aftereffects, so when the G.o.d of Hangovers drinks a hangover cure then the effects must jump back across the same link."

"That could be right," said the Dean. "He is, after all, basically a conduit."

"I've always thought of myself as more of a tube," said the oh G.o.d.

"No, no, she's right," said Ridcully. "When he drinks, this lad here gets the nasty result. So, logically, when our friend here takes a hangover cure the side effects should head back the same way-"

"Someone mentioned a crystal ball just now," said the oh G.o.d in a voice suddenly clanging with vengeance. "I want to see see this-" this-"

It was a big drink. A very big and a very long drink. It was one of those special c.o.c.ktails where each very sticky, very strong ingredient is poured in very slowly, so that they layer on top of one another. Drinks like this tend to get called Traffic Lights or Rainbow's Revenge or, in places where truth is more highly valued, h.e.l.lo and Good-bye, Mr. Brain Cell.

In addition, this drink had some lettuce floating in it. And a slice of lemon and and a piece of pineapple hooked coquettishly on the side of the gla.s.s, which had sugar frosted round the rim. There were a piece of pineapple hooked coquettishly on the side of the gla.s.s, which had sugar frosted round the rim. There were two two paper umbrellas, one pink and one blue, and they each had a cherry on the end. paper umbrellas, one pink and one blue, and they each had a cherry on the end.

And someone had taken the trouble to freeze ice cubes in the shape of little elephants. After that, there's no hope. You might as well be drinking in a place called the Cococobana.

The G.o.d of Wine picked it up lovingly. It was his kind of drink.

There was a rumba going on in the background. There were also a couple of young ladies snuggling up to him. It was going to be a good night. It was always a good night.

"Happy Hogswatch, everyone!" he said, and raised the gla.s.s.

And then: "Can anyone hear something?"

Someone blew a paper squeaker at him.

"No, seriously...like a sort of descending note...?"

Since no one paid this any attention he shrugged, and nudged one of his fellow drinkers.

"How about we have a couple more and go to this club I know?" he said.

And then-

The wizards leaned back, and one or two of them grimaced.

Only the oh G.o.d stayed glued to the gla.s.s, face contorted in a vicious smile.

"We have eructation!" he shouted, and punched the air. "Yes! Yes! Yes Yes! The worm is on the other boot now, eh? Hah! How do you like them them apples, huh?" apples, huh?"

"Well, mainly mainly apples-" said the Dean. apples-" said the Dean.

"Looked like a lot of other things to me," said Ridcully. "It seems we have reversed the cause-effect flow..."

"Will it be permanent?" said the oh G.o.d hopefully.

"I shouldn't think so. After all, you are are the G.o.d of Hangovers. It'll probably just reverse itself again when the potion wears off." the G.o.d of Hangovers. It'll probably just reverse itself again when the potion wears off."

"Then I may not have much time. Bring me...let's see...twenty pints of lager, some pepper vodka and a bottle of coffee liqueur! With an umbrella in it! Let's see how he enjoys that, Mr. You've Got Room For Another One In There!"

Susan grabbed his hand and pulled him over to a bench.

"I didn't have you sobered up just so you could go on a binge!" she said.

He blinked at her. "You didn't?"

"I want you to help me!"

"Help you what?"

"You said you'd never been human before, didn't you?"

"Er..." The oh G.o.d looked down at himself. "That's right," he said. "Never."

"You've never incarnated?" said Ridcully.

"Surely that's a rather personal question, isn't it?" said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

"That's...right," said the oh G.o.d. "Odd, that. I remember always having headaches...but never having a head. That can't be right, can it?"

"You existed in potentia in potentia?" said Ridcully.

"Did I?"

"Did he?" said Susan.

Ridcully paused. "Oh dear," he said. "I think I I did it, didn't I? I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers, didn't I...?" did it, didn't I? I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers, didn't I...?"

"And you created him just like that?" said the Dean. "I find that very very hard to believe, Mustrum. Hah! Out of thin air? I suppose we can hard to believe, Mustrum. Hah! Out of thin air? I suppose we can all all do that, can we? Anyone care to think up some new pixie?" do that, can we? Anyone care to think up some new pixie?"

"Like the Hair Loss Fairy?" said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. The other wizards laughed.

"I am not not losing my hair!" snapped the Dean. "It is just very finely s.p.a.ced." losing my hair!" snapped the Dean. "It is just very finely s.p.a.ced."

"Half on your head and half on your hairbrush," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

"No sense in bein' bashful about goin' bald," said Ridcully evenly. "Anyway, you know what they say about bald men, Dean."

"Yes, they say, 'Look at him, he's got no hair,'" said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. The Dean had been annoying him lately.

"For the last time," shouted the Dean, "I am not not-"

He stopped.

There was a glingleglingleglingle glingleglingleglingle noise. noise.

"I wish I knew where that was coming from," said Ridcully.

"Er..." the Dean began. "Is there...something on my head?"