Hogfather Part 27

Together they managed to get the newcomer onto his feet.

"Toga, sandals...he looks a bit like you," said Susan, as the fruit victim swayed heavily.

"Was I that green color?"

"Close."

"Is...is there a privy nearby?" mumbled their burden, through clammy lips.

"I believe it's through that arch over there," said Susan. "I've heard it's not very pleasant, though."

"That's not a rumor, that's a forecast," said the fat figure, and lurched off. "And then can I please have a gla.s.s of water and one charcoal biscuit..."

They watched him go.

"Friend of yours?" said Susan.

"G.o.d of Indigestion, I think. Look...I...er...I think I do do remember remember something something," said the oh G.o.d. "Just before I, um, incarnated. But it sounds stupid..."

"Well?"

"Teeth," said the oh G.o.d.

Susan hesitated.

"You don't mean something attacking you, do you?" she said flatly.

"No. Just...a sensation of toothiness. Probably doesn't mean much. As G.o.d of Hangovers I see a lot worse, I can tell you."

"Just teeth. Lots of teeth. But not horrible teeth. Just lots and lots of little teeth. Almost...sad?"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"Oh, I...maybe I remember you telling me before you told me. I don't know. How about a big s.h.i.+ny red globe?"

The oh G.o.d looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "No, can't help you there, I'm afraid. It's just teeth. Rows and rows of teeth."

"I don't remember rows," said Susan. "I just felt...teeth were important."

"Nah, it's amazing what you can do with a beak," said the raven, who'd been investigating the laden table and had succeeded in levering a lid off a jar.

"What have you got there?" said Susan wearily.

"Eyeb.a.l.l.s," said the raven. "Hah, wizards know how to live all right, eh? They don't want for nothing around here, I can tell you."

"They're olives," said Susan.

"Tough luck," said the raven. "They're mine now."

"They're a kind of fruit! Or a vegetable or something!"

"You sure?" The raven swiveled one doubtful eye on the jar and the other on her.

"Yes!"

The eyes swiveled again.

"So you're an eyeball expert all of a sudden?"

"Look, they're green green, you stupid bird!"

"They could be very old old eyeb.a.l.l.s," said the raven defiantly. "Sometimes they go like that-" eyeb.a.l.l.s," said the raven defiantly. "Sometimes they go like that-"

SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats, who was halfway through a cheese.

"And not so much of the stupid," said the raven. "Corvids are exceptionally bright with reasoning and, in the case of some forest species, tool-using abilities!"

"Oh, so you you are an expert on ravens, are you?" said Susan. are an expert on ravens, are you?" said Susan.

"Madam, I happen to be be a-" a-"

SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats again.

They both turned. It was pointing at its gray teeth.

"The Tooth Fairy?" said Susan. "What about her?"

SQUEAK.

"Rows of teeth," said the oh G.o.d again. "Like...rows, you know? What's the Tooth Fairy?"

"Oh, you see her around a lot these days," said Susan. "Or them, rather. It's a sort of franchise operation. You get the ladder, the money belt and the pliers and you're set up."

"Pliers?"

"If she can't make change she has to take an extra tooth on account. But, look, the tooth fairies are harmless enough. I've met one or two of them. They're just working girls. They don't menace menace anyone." anyone."

SQUEAK.

"I just hope Grandfather doesn't take it into his head to do their their job as well. Good grief, the thought of it-" job as well. Good grief, the thought of it-"

"They collect teeth?"

"Yes. Obviously."

"Why?"

"Why? It's their job job."

"I meant why, where do they take the teeth after they collect them?"

"I don't know! They just...well, they just take the teeth and leave the money," said Susan. "What sort of question is that-'Where do they take the teeth?'" don't know! They just...well, they just take the teeth and leave the money," said Susan. "What sort of question is that-'Where do they take the teeth?'"

"I just wondered, that's all. Probably all humans know, I'm probably very silly for asking, it's probably a well-known fact."

Susan looked thoughtfully at the Death of Rats.

"Actually...where do do they take the teeth?" they take the teeth?"

SQUEAK?.

"He says search him," said the raven. "Maybe they sell 'em?" It pecked at another jar. "How about these, these look nice and wrinkl-"

"Pickled walnuts," said Susan absently. "What do they do with the teeth? What use is there for a lot of teeth? But...what harm can a tooth fairy do?"

"Have we got time to find one and ask her?" said the oh G.o.d.

"Time isn't the problem," said Susan.

There are those who believe knowledge is something that is acquired-a precious ore hacked, as it were, from the gray strata of ignorance.

There are those who believe that knowledge can only be recalled, that there was some Golden Age in the distant past when everything was known and the stones fitted together so you could hardly put a knife between them, you know, and it's obvious they had flying machines, right, because of the way the earthworks can only be seen from above, yeah? and there's this museum I read about where they found a pocket calculator under the altar of this ancient temple, you know what I'm saying? but the government hushed it up...*

Mustrum Ridcully believed that knowledge could be acquired by shouting at people, and was endeavoring to do so. The wizards were sitting around the Uncommon Room table, which was piled high with books.

"It is is Hogswatch, Archchancellor," said the Dean reproachfully, thumbing through an ancient volume. Hogswatch, Archchancellor," said the Dean reproachfully, thumbing through an ancient volume.

"Not until midnight," said Ridcully. "Sortin' this out will give you fellows an appet.i.te for your dinner."

"I think I might have something, Archchancellor," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "This is Woddeley's Basic G.o.ds Woddeley's Basic G.o.ds. There's some stuff here about lares and penates that seems to fit the bill."

"Lares and penates? What were they when they were at home?" said Ridcully.

"Hahaha," said the Chair.

"What?" said Ridcully.

"I thought you were making a rather good joke, Archchancellor," said the Chair.

"Was I? I didn't mean mean to," said Ridcully. to," said Ridcully.

"Nothing new there," said the Dean, under his breath.

"What was that, Dean?"

"Nothing, Archchancellor."

"I thought you made the reference 'at home' because they are, in fact, household G.o.ds. Or were, rather. They seemed to have faded away long ago. They were...little spirits of the house, like, for example-"

Three of the other wizards, thinking quite fast for wizards, clapped their hands over his mouth.

"Careful!" said Ridcully. "Careless talk creates lives! That's why we've got a big fat G.o.d of Indigestion being ill in the privy. By the way, where's the Bursar?"

"He was in the privy, Archchancellor," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

"What, when the-?"

"Yes, Archchancellor."

"Oh, well, I'm sure he'll be all right," said Ridcully, in the matter-of-fact voice of someone contemplating something nasty that was happening to someone else out of earshot. "But we don't want any more of these...what're they, Chair?"

"Lares and penates, Archchancellor, but I wasn't suggesting-"

"Seems clear to me. Something's gone wrong and these little devils are coming back. All we have to do is find out what's gone wrong and put it right."

"Oh, well, I'm glad that's all sorted out," said the Dean.

"Household G.o.ds," said Ridcully. "That's what they are, Chair?" He opened the drawer in his hat and took out his pipe.

"Yes, Archchancellor. It says here they used to be the...local spirits, I suppose. They saw to it that the bread rose and the b.u.t.ter churned properly."

"Did they eat pencils? What was their att.i.tude in the socks department?"

"This was back in the time of the First Empire," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "Sandals and togas and so on."

"Ah. Not noticeably socked?"

"Not excessively so, no. And it was nine hundred years before Osric Pencillium first discovered, in the graphite-rich sands of the remote island of Sumtri, the small bush which, by dint of careful cultivation, he induced to produce the long-"

"Yes, we can all see you've got the encyclopedia open under the table, Chair," said Ridcully. "But I daresay things have changed a bit. Moved with the times. Bound to have been a few developments. Once they looked after the bread rising, now we have things that eat pencils and socks and see to it that you can never find a clean towel when you want one-"

There was a distant tinkling.

He stopped.

"I just said that, didn't I?" he said.

The wizards nodded glumly.

"And this is the first time anyone's mentioned it?"

The wizards nodded again.

"Well, dammit, it's amazing, you can can never find a clean towel when-" never find a clean towel when-"